Monday, September 29, 2008


I had some time off today and happened to chat with an old chap of mine on MSN. We were merely catching up till he touched that scar of mine again. After so long.... I thought I was over it but I guess I did not after all. It was that disgusting feeling again. The thought that made me feel that I am nothing but a pile of crap.

I don't like the way I feel or have been feeling, and believe me, I've tried my best to change my ways and my thoughts and the way I see things these days, I'm much of a changed person that I don't even know who am I anymore. But it's for the best is it not? People like the new me better.

I don't want to hate you. I don't, at least I tell myself I don't. Well... it's more of a confusion really. You came into my life when I was at that dirty patch....... you responded to my despair and in a way helped me out of that mudpile and got me to where I am now. But I just wished you'd never have gotten into my mess, I wish I never let you in at all. Because you made me think that I'm not what he claims I am, you made me believe in myself but to what extent?

In the end, as nice as you are to me now, you are becoming more of the reflection of that shadow that has caused me so much pain. You raised doubts in me that make me hate myself for being me even more. I can't help but think that you said those words at that point of time merely to make me feel better and to merely lighten the situation a little. I really don't know, and I really am tired of thinking, my mom thinks I'm crazy nowadays, for I would sob endlessly shutting my ears with my hands and begging for the voices in my head to stop talking, stop telling me things I don't want to remember.

In a way, I wish I never let you cheat me into where I am now, I don't even know for sure whether you lied, but if you hadn't, I doubt I'd be a confident person as I am now, it's a situation where I'd neither lose nor win, it's really unfair. And it makes me sick, the question, "is that person a true friend to you?" I can never answer that, and I don't ever wonder to think about the answer to it. You know it's a scar, to certain extent, you made me feel alive and better after much bitterness I have suffered, and you still are concern that I will not suffer that bitterness but sometimes, I can't help but get the feeling that you believe what he thinks of me too. I can't help it, I wish there'd be a way to stop the voices from telling me this.... I hate it.

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