It's finally 2013. Despite the usual, "This is my 2013's resolution" that I think many are busy listing down within the first quarter of the year, I now look back on the year 2009 when I first stepped into Grace Family Sanctuary, Banting.

I've grown up in White Fields Assembly, an independent branch from the FGA group and all my life I have never thought of moving on to another church. With unforeseen circumstances in life, I have moved on and finally met someone that I love and cherish who has also invited me to GFS in the earlier days of our relationship together.

I remember first stepping into the church feeling uncomfortable being a stranger, a new comer. Seriously detested the "welcome card" and to my horror, our dear Pastor Vic, whom I now have grown to love and respect, welcomed me in his Sunday Service greeting. The next thing I knew, a swarm of people came up to me and shook my hands, greeted me as though I was some very important person who just happened to stumble upon this place.

After several church hunts, mistakes that I have made in school, Christian fellowship, and college, the last thing on my mind was to serve. I told the Lord I was never going to be ready any time soon. Lo and behold my sweetheart told Pastor that I could sing. Could I? I hesitated but agreed to do so anyway.

With many ups and downs in my earlier days in this church, I've learnt so much through hardships and laughters. Some mistakes I carry with me in my faint memories that will sometimes still send goosebumps to my cheeks recalling the embarrassment of my idiotic actions. I still react that way sometimes, sometimes I even blame myself for those who left church. I always felt what I was doing was not good enough and that I have progressed too slow.

I've shown my ugliest sides to these people in this community. They've been there for me. Advised me. Lectured me. Given me a chance to learn an opportunity to serve. Nourished me. Guided me. Influenced me into who I am today. Friends I never thought I deserved. Friends I call brothers and sisters who I care about so dearly now. Up till this day, I have no idea what made me stay. The initial reason would be that very man I adore. But when I ask myself, is that all there is? I know there is more to it. This is a church that I've come to grow on to love and cherish and to serve my services. A training ground for me.

Every Sunday, in fact, every day of my life I am still trying to detect my mistakes. My wrong choice of words. My worry that I will offend someone, worried that my serving is not good enough, not pleasing enough. But I've come to realize again and again that the Lord has always been there for me, picking up the pieces and taking whatever I have to offer, bringing me forward further and farther. I've never took a moment in life often enough to sit and look back and notice the handiworks the Lord has done for me in my life, all the little miracles. This is something that I'd like to change as I step forward each day. Giving thanks and counting my blessings. And in these past 3 years my urge to serve has grown and grown.

I've not blogged in ages. Really. I don't even know why I still blog. But sitting down tonight reminiscing on those earlier days in GFS, I just want to thank the Lord for bringing me this far. Thinking back, at first I felt it was all a joke traveling this far for a service. Traveling the distance and leaving my comfort zone. I still complain from time to time. I am human after all, I get tired just like everybody else. But nothing is impossible in Him. Even when my faith had been shaken many times, I really thank Him for nurturing me into this woman that I am today. I hope you guys experience what I am experiencing right now. Like a whoosh of blessing, God's comfort and warmth surrounding you. Oh how He loves us indeed!

Sometimes I wonder why we clicked. Z and I are two very different people. Unfortunately, two things in common, egoistic and short tempered. I remembered our first few months of relationship we’d quarrel endlessly, but then again, those were one of my best memories with each other.

I love how we’ve both come this far. Three years down this road had not been easy. Here’s a tip, don’t threaten to end it. You’ll hurt each other more than you thought you have.  That’s something we both agreed not to do to each other. We are pretty comfortable where we are right now; close friends may even laugh and pass us off as old married couple.

What I miss most are those times we strive to make memories as if it was just us against the world. I miss the times we spent in Nilai walking down the lane to that roadside Economy Rice stall or that time we spent making recordings and laughing at each other.

Some claim that I am young and I expect all these petty things out of a relationship. To me, these are the things I’d like to carry with me as we share our mugs of coffee in a rocking chair when our kids have their own kids and all we have left to do, is to sit back and watch the sun go down.

A friend asked me if my current boyfriend is for real. I asked her, "What do you mean for real?" and she replied, "Someone you've decided to walk down the aisle with?" I smiled and shrugged, "Hah, we'll see what happens I guess?"

When I was in Primary School, I attended piano lessons and my teacher had always had a mug which she keeps her pencils on the table, I managed to find a picture of it. Believe it or not, I always stared at the words when I was forced to focus on my Theory homework. In due time, I actually lived it.

After so many years, and of course a year of hurt and complicated past relationship, I've learnt to lower my expectations in relationships. Often reflecting Mom and Dad, I never dared to hope. Guess that's why I never dared to hope anything out of us but to only pray and ask God to tell me what's next. I truly feel free writing about it here! :P Simply because he doesn't read my blog nor have a link to it! :P Guess I never dared to give it to him nor did I think that he would be interested. 

So after that day, I asked myself what is he in my life?

I want to be that missing piece in his life and I pray that he is the missing piece in mine. I dare hope I find someone that looks forward to snoozing that alarm clock with me and does whatever it takes to make the other person happy. I am very grateful to have this not-so-easy-to-please man in my life, because somehow he balances my world again. I'm definitely not an easy pleasing person as well!  Despite all the compromise we make for each other, we make it work. Not forgetting the few huge "hurricanes" we encountered with each other and we strive past it. 

What I pray now is that we strive for more memories ahead as we embark on the 4^th year together. I want this jigsaw puzzle to be more than just a thousand pieces but so much that it contains a lifetime of story and that we hold the missing piece to each other.

Truly touched by David Choi’s original music, Missing Piece tonight. Have you found your missing piece? How do you know if they are the one? =)

                                                                                                

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After months of turmoil and fresh stabs to my heart and soul, I am drawing myself closer to Him each day. Today was yet another day that I managed to have a meal with my Dad. I have no one to thank but the Almighty because it is only with His power that I am able to hang on to the situation and try my level best to salvage what’s left between us. It has not been easy for the past few months with Dad inviting me to meet more often than we had for the past seven years since the divorce.

At first it was extremely difficult with the piece of news that I now know about his new family. I remember running to my Pastor and say, “Pastor, how can he seem to be happier than I am? How can this happen? Did Jesus bless him with kids? But that was his mistress that hurt me and mom!”

I remember my Pastor gave me the diplomatic answer any pastor would have. “We never know what God has planned/in mind” I carried with me that sentence throughout the few months crying and trying to hide the news from Mom. Mom now knows but I know she hasn’t seen past what I have now.

I take the opportunity to thank God each time I have a successful meet up with Dad. It has never been easy, some times past hurts strike me so bad that I’d stop at the side of the road just blank. I guess when the divorce was fresh, I never had the time to stop to let emotions hit me and now I am paying the debts for it.

Just when I thought I was full of hurt and anger, I find each meet up to be more peaceful as the ones before. My Dad for the first time has begin to text me ending with ,”Love you”. I never had the thought of saying it back but I do hope some day I would. For now, I enjoy every piece of life together that we have missed. I know some people may feel like I have accepted his new family and his faults, it’s not entirely so. I now understand that God is asking me to look at him as my father, the one who has been my Earthly father and nothing else.

I remember reading a novel by Jodi Picoult on Mercy, I’d like to quote a passage here:

“She looked down. Somewhere, under their spread hands, was a stain. But as things stood, Cam was right. From this angle it could not be seen”

In short, the wife was trying to decide whether or not to accept her husband again after adultery. He stained a glass with grape juice and she tried very hard to remove it. But together they covered it so that at an angle it would not be seen.

I love my Mom, and I understand what she’s been through. But as a child, I have decided to face the Commandments I have learnt throughout Sunday School, “Honour your father and mother”

With the example on grape juice-stained-glass, I believe this is how God sees us past our sins. I’m not saying that He has forgiven Dad, that’s up to them to settle, but as for me, I now see the King of Glory, and the love of God is now my calling. I have decided to let go this burden that I am holding no matter how difficult this road to recovery will be, I choose to surrender to Him. I pray in due time, He will open my eyes further to see that marriage is a blessing, and whatever happens down the road is all crafted by His hands.

Each meet up with Dad, I thank Him again for giving me this opportunity before it’s too late.

I am truly inspired by this song, You Reign by Hillsong. I’d like to quote some parts of the lyrics here:

“What was Your last thought, as You drew Your last breath, where the victory was Yours for us to see”

Till Jesus’ last breath, He thought of love, I’d like to continue to grow on this seed of love in me, I am so tired of all the self-battles and torments. I want to live to see Him reigning over us! I want His Love to be my calling.

I hope when times get rough, I’d remind myself with this post and to continue to march forward! I pray that some day, all my open wounds would be stitched up entirely.

Image courtesy of Wallpapers789.blogspot.com

This new song has been flooding the mainstream radio stations lately. Somehow felt that it relates to me. Well, there’s high chance that I’m just cultivated into thinking it relates to my phase in life right now but anyways, who knows, eh?

Anyhow, just want to share the stages of relationship that I have recently come to senses with. I’ve recently been thinking about it and I have found a video by the WongFu Productions that best describes it, well, almost. Should you think my two cents is too long a read, I guess this video relates to most of you.  Take note, I did not just begin writing about the stages just because I watched the video. These are my thoughts in a relationship I’d like to pen down in hope I’d think otherwise in the future. Again, to those of you who are reading this, please, do not take it personally. I am not talking about you or myself. Or maybe if I am talking to myself, you will never know. That’s the fun of this site; nobody should know what fiction is and what is not.  So please, don’t spoil the fun. J

Stage #1 Boy meets girl

I guess this is the story where most that made it to their wedding days would be proud to share during their wedding toast. The classic story of boy meets girl and girl meets boy. From personal experience, this was the best moment for me; I tried to describe the feelings. But it was really hard not to quote Katy Perry, it was indeed, fireworks.

Stage #2 The Courtship

During the courting phase, we would somehow feel our heart flutters whenever we are out on a date with a knight that MAY BE just the one for us. I mean, we watch it in movies, right? My advice, a girl should have had it all before this phase ends, she should just demand the rights to more memories and more attention and more effort before the guy pops the question, “Will you be my girlfriend?”

Stage #3 Honeymoon

I suppose this is the stage where every couple enjoys or hopefully still enjoying. As for the men, it’s like getting a jackpot. The girl of their dreams is finally intertwining their hands together. I enjoyed my three months the most. I was a bad tempered woman but I was loved and cared for tremendously. I never knew how to appreciate it, until today. If you have no idea what this phase means. I guess you would know if you paid attention to how many hours you are hanging on the phone talking to that someone. You would know it, if you realized how many thousands of text messages you’ve sent to each other and some, maybe most of it are just one word answers and smiley faces because you are always at lost for words and you have to re-read your text several times just to know it’s to the right person.

Stage #4 Comfort Zone

It is sad that the honeymoon stage has to end. I’m sure many couples would agree with me that there should always be a way to turn back time and enjoy the first few stages again. Well, if you put effort in it, I don’t see why not. Comfort stage is not always bad, I mean it’s like what Serena would say on Gossip Girl, ‘’The three month mile stone, walk him through it” What she meant was, the fireworks were meant to dim a little, so you could see each other’s true colors. I guess this is the part where it terrifies a couple. One may be overly bad tempered and the other, has the ultimate ego that is almost indescribable? Just saying, again, not pin pointing anyone. But if you feel the same way, hey, put your hands up!

Stage #5 Tolerance & Compromise

Ah… the title says it all. Tolerance. Actually I beg to differ why Comfort Zone and Tolerance should be in two separate stages. I believe they are both related because there is no way one can go on in the comfort zone without learning to tolerate. However, back to my point, tolerance is a stage where you try to absorb and embrace each other’s flaws. Now this is not the time to be practicing your flair in flirtatious words to keep each other interested, but rather, learn to understand and help each other to keep that fire burning for each other despite the flaws that are slowly uncovering their nakedness.

Stage #6 Crossroad

I have no idea what to call this stage at first but I suppose Crossroad fits the puzzle. If a couple fails to tolerate each other or rather, to hold on to that seed of love that brought them to each other, they will be stuck in a phase where its either you break up, or you accept each other and get married. Now, hey, get married? Isn’t that nice?

Marriage is not a game of monopoly where you decide you should get there just because your dice tells you to. Marriage is a life-long commitment with its famous yet obvious quote, ‘till death do us part’

Marriage is a blessing when got bring two people together to do greater things-Jayeslee said this on Sonia’s wedding video, in which I fully agree with. Before we say our ‘I do(s)’, we ought to make sure. And take my word for it; you wouldn’t want your kids to suffer when things go down the wrong way.

What stage am I now? That’s for me to know. What stage are you? Be true to yourself. Sometimes deluding ourselves that the comfort zone would be a little bit more bearable isn’t that true. Sometimes it’s time to let go, but before you do, ask yourself, is that seed of love truly lost?

On another note, sometimes one tries so hard to save what she had before, but her partner wouldn’t. Should she let go? But she’s the only one who sees the seed while the other still comfortably sited in the comfort chair?

Sometimes, we’re just too close to love someone, you know?

Points to ponder in life indeed…

Picture from www.123rf.com

I never knew it would hurt that bad to talk about it. I thought I would have put it all behind me by now. But it still hurts like a fresh wound. That very day when you walked through that door with her in your hands. I couldn't set my eyes on her. At that moment, all I ever thought of what mistakes I would've done to deserve all these. Where was the love at home? When did it start going out the window?

You were so proud when you introduced her. Like she's your gem, the love of your life. What about what we had? Didn't we go through thick and thin to be where we are today, where you are today? I had to smile, I had to look so carefree. The look I gave and always would have gave ever since the day you walked out my door. That one thing I vowed to do when you decided to pack your bags and leave, I swore I'd never cry for you. I pretended you never had an influence in my life.

I remember that fine day, I woke up, I fell off the stairs, I sprained my foot and I was wailing so loudly. You came up to me and told me to shut up. From then I knew, the man who would carry me to bed was never there anymore. From that day I knew the torch I always carried for you, was switched off and will never be lit again. 

My feelings aside, you hurt your love of your life. How she suffered, how much pain she had to go through and for me to be with her reminding her of you with my presence each and every day. I hated myself. I hated the truth that I live your blood. I was ashamed of myself, my body, my name. But I couldn't hate you, no, I never once did. I still loved you but you never knew. You always thought I was after your money. You always thought I'd give in as long as you given me money and the things I wanted. There was only one birthday you actually tried to think of what I would like. Only one. The rest? It was all money. I never liked the things I bought with that money. They meant nothing to me.

I miss those Christmases we used to have. You'd take me out for my favorite meal. You'd be so excited to open the presents I got you. How you fumbled with the wrapper, you were never a patient person. Can love evaporate in time? Can it be forgotten as we grow older? Could it be transferred to another person, a sudden desire to love another person and not the ones you once loved?

She look like me you know. The eyes, the smile, the dimple. But I was never perfect for you, was I? I was never good enough for you. You told me you regretted not spending time with me. You told me that day. Isn't it 6 years too late? Where were you when I was heartbroken from broken relationships? Where were you when I didn't know what to do with the only one I have close to me when she was hurting? Where were you when I needed prayers? 

Now that I'm older. The walls I built around me becomes thicker, more complicated. Sometimes I don't understand why I'm here. Sometimes I wonder when the end will come to all these misery. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to give her the love you used to give her. I try and try again but it will never be the same. You took a piece of her heart away when you decided otherwise. You are so happy when I introduced you to the love of MY life, but did you know how hard I struggled to try to love? Did you know what I had to go through to trust someone else? Did you ever know how much I loved you? How for once, I wished, you'd just come back to us, and tell us everything will be alright, that nothing has changed. But till today, I'm just some one's daughter, who's pa forgot to pick her up from school anymore.

Image courtesy of Weddings-paradise.com

I've been watching a lot of romantic movies and proposal videos on Youtube lately. Not that I'm getting married anytime soon nor been proposed to yet, just feeling a little bit in the moment... Thus, here's what a young girl like me would dream about, silly me I know! But can't help it! :D

As much as I appreciate spontaneity, I would still want the proposal to be recorded-lah! :P So I have something to share with my kids when its their time! Hehe! * dreams *

I guess I've always been brought up simple, I don't need a fancy restaurant, but I've a fetish for table cloths, so a nice cosy place for dinner would be great!

I guess it's too much to ask but there are two main things that I'd really love to have for my proposal. Being a musically inclined person, I believe in expressing oneself through music. If my partner-to-be would sing me a love song, it would be so wonderful. I once fell in love with a man who sang me a really cheesy song by Adam Sandler. It's the heart that matters, and I know he meant every word of it...

Supposedly getting down on one knee gesture is the classic way of proposing. Personally, I take it as a sign that my soul mate is willing to let down his ego and guards and to open up his heart to love wholly. I don't fancy a huge diamond ring with the "4C" requirements but rather, the prepared heart to begin a life's journey with me.

On a separate note (has ZERO involvement to the proposal setting), despite my wild attitude and obviously over mediated person, I'm still very much a conservative girl. It would mean the world to me, if my partner-to-be has approached both my parents for permission. I always believed in parents' blessings, and that would lift the weight off my shoulders. However, most from our generation these days, often assume that marriage is only about "us against the world". To me, the world does revolve around us somehow, you can't deny it, and we should always honor the Commandment, "to honor our parents"

Image courtesy of Artofmanliness.com

Lastly, it would touch me deeply, if he were to recite the verse:-

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
It does not seek its own, does not take into account a wrong suffered;
Does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails, but now faith, hope love...
Abide these three;
But the greatest of these is love.




1 Chorintians 13:4-7,13.

Image courtesy of Wholeheartedministries

I once asked a man, why he knew he loved me. He opened the Bible and said, when he asked God about me, He gave him this verse, and that would be the most beautiful vow of all. 

 Picture taken at Central Park, BU, PJ.

5 days passed and he finally called. I am somehow afraid of technology. Through the Internet I know what he was doing and everything else. This is not about a cheating partner! But it would've been simpler if it was.. This is about me not being able to tap into his life, understanding and even joining him in doing what he likes or enjoys. To me, there are still too many gaps in this relationship that leaves me on the dotted line of insecurities.

I am not an expert in relationships. But after two years of being with someone, I would really expect to know more about that someone by now. Am I having high expectations? I really don't know, as far as I'm concerned, I don't think so. I want to be that someone in his life that when he thinks or hears about me, there's a sparkle just like how I would have for him in return. Forgive me if I sound as though I am trying to conquer his life, but I just want to matter.

I can feel the walls of our relationship cracking little by little everyday. But all I do is look forward to the more opportunities that we can spend time with each other. I'm not really sure if it is wise, but I was hold on to the fact that there is something called love that brought us together. Question is, is it still there or are we just lying to ourselves? If it's a lie, I really don't want to step out of this lie, if it is reality, I really am afraid of this reality.

I probably don't make sense at all in this post, but these are the questions that have been clouding me for several days now. Ever since I completed my internship, I just had so much time to think and to decide what I want to do in this new year, but matters like this, I can not afford to make a mistake. Am I in love or have we fallen out of love or have I been the only one falling in love every day?

Is a relationship really all about the 3 month mile stone where the honeymoon period ends and everything becomes dull and routine-like? Will I be able to commit my life to someone whom I seem to have run out of topics to communicate with? Or am I getting bored of this safe relationship and yearning for some hot juice drama?

It is all so blurry, thick and messy like a puddle of mud. I truly care for this person but I am unsure if it is a right choice. I am sick and tired of trying to have him be accepted by the family.

Most of all, I am tired because I feel all alone even though I am not alone. I feel loved yet unloved at the same time. I feel cared but abandoned.

I danced, I laughed, I smiled,

Your gaze was locked with mine,

Those were the days when you knew you fell in love,

Those were the days I knew you fell in love...

The endless hours of conversation,

It felt like there's no tomorrow,

The skyrocketing phone bills,

Our furious parents,

We couldn't care less,

Those were the days...

You held my hand for the first time,

We walked into the night and sat by the swing,

We watched kids pass by,

We witnessed the glorious sun go down,

And as the moon rise up,

We were with each other,

Those were the days...

Two years have gone by,

You are still by my side,

But that hand that once held me,

Is not the same as how it once felt,

The endless conversation,

Has found its ending,

And I have failed to find the beginning,

To even try to begin with...

However, some things have always kept us together,

I will never know whether it is by the power of the Almighty,

But I am here still because I am certain of my own heart,

That I have fallen in love with you since the day you wrote to me,

And I have loved you even more each day...

I wish you would come back to me,

The whole of you, not just the tangible you,

I pray you'd see it in my eyes that my heart aches to be loved,

And that I want to grow old with you,

I yearn for a little more comfort from you,

To end my misery of having you as mine,

But not quite mine...

Met up with a close friend of mine yesterday. If you have been following my blog since early 2008, then you should know the infamous, D by now. D came back from the States a few weeks ago and we finally had the chance to catch up, if you're reading this D, thanks for the coffee and yes I am still not used to Starbucks. Haha! :P

Good ol' D, always giving me space to share my thoughts and feelings, it wasn't long till we started talking about someone whom I use to know pretty well. Somehow it got me thinking tonight, of some things I have shared with this person. He used to be someone I could share my worries with when we were still in school and soon, one thing led to another. Unfortunately things turned ugly and we are no longer in touch. I remembered during those messed up times, there were exchange of words that one may not be able to move on...

However, I want to give credit to my darling even though he may not be perfect too, one thing that he did that made me realize for the past 2 years, is that when he set his eyes on me, he set his priorities straight too. I was once very insecure between him and his best friend, and he did all he could to assure me. That was something that we couldn't have back then, I always felt insecure. Its so different now with darling.

The future may seem shaky for me and my darling right now, but I sure am very glad that Z came into my life. Though I moved on pretty well before I met him, whatever we shared and still share is really so different, so fresh that I have no room to keep the past in mind. I thank God for taking control of things in my life, and knowing what's best for me. Even if there comes a day that we both may fall out of love (I hope not), I am just very contented with the memories I have of us in my heart and mind at this present state.

As for that someone I used to know, I pray that you will find love and that it will all work out for you. I still care and I always will, thank you for being a good friend when I needed one back then. I hope that one day, you can leave all the hate and anger behind and remember some of your old friends, and I sure would like to be one of them. :)

This is a night for me to again, count my blessing. I am very blessed with a pretty lame but loving darling, and a buddy who still listens to all my crap after all these years. :P

Today I was having dinner with a close friend of mine. We chose to dine at Lavender's. As we entered the restaurant, I fell in love with the decoration and settings of the place. It wasn't long till I started thinking to myself, how great this place would be if I were to be proposed to here. I suppose my imagination went wild after watching quite a number of romantic movies. But then again, as I look at my relationship with my other half at present, this is what I really hope to have one day.

The journey with each other have not been the least easy since the beginning. I guess this is what people meant by opposite attract. It's been over two years now, and in 3 months we would be approaching our 3rd year together. As I watched these movies, I wondered, will I have my happy ending some day? Perhaps 5 years down the road as I read this post again, I'd feel all foolish and immature but this is what I'm feeling right now, a 22 year old girl on her 3rd year relationship.

But I know no matter how much I want this happy ending to happen, God is in control, and that if it is His will for us to be together till the end of times, I'm sure he'll work something out between the both of us. It is indeed very difficult for me to put my whole trust in Him. I really love this man, and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. The flaws we each have, they come in between us without fail. The more we tolerate, the harder it becomes. There are times when I felt that I have sacrificed too much for us. There are times that I just felt like giving up and move on with the things I love in life. But I'm still holding on to the words my loved one once said, "I love you, and no matter whether you can sing or not, I still love you." Simple words, but they meant a lot to me. And I hold them dearly to my heart.

What the future lies remains unclear, but I do pray that we both pray to Him to continuously bless us and teach us to appreciate each other and to love each other more. I pray that someday, this little happy ending of mine would come true. Silver and gold I don't require, but a loving family is what I pray for. Even though mom and dad are divorced, but they gave me a loving family for the past 15 years of my life, and I'd love to give that to my children and theirs their own too.

Let's hope this happens some day! :)

Growing up isn't the easiest part of life but I don't suppose anyone is given a choice. For the past few months of internship and my last semester, juggling it all was my life's worst nightmare. I've come so far and this is the end of my semester, and somehow I felt that I did not do my best for my last two papers. I wish the fire in me did not die just a few days before having it all, but it's too late to turn back time now. I can only pray that my results are acceptable for the degree that I have always wanted...in which now, I'm not so sure if I want it anymore.

Despite what I have not learned throughout these past few months, but what I have learned, would be that life is a game of gamble. I have come to realize that in this world, you don't get candy for free. Every thing has a price to pay. Throughout my experience, a taste of what my career would be in the near future, debts are a high price to pay, and debts are the way to get around things. It isn't always on your side to play the "friend" card to get your way through.

I suppose this blog post is rather vague. But what I am trying to say is that I guess I have grown up a little more now. As I step into the world of adulthood, it scares me some times to actually realize what an animal world we live in. As cruel as it sounds, I sometimes fear because you'll never know who is truly your friend. I've been through the most difficult times in the past few months, and it was something that I would never forget. To actually go through so much emotional stress that it has became physical.

As we grow up, there are more responsibilities that we carry on our shoulders, and it's never easy. There's no turning back. When I stepped into the world of lies, my skin turned white out of shock. I once stepped into a world that I had to surrender my soul to the Devil. The Demons in there were out there to get you, watching you, and just waiting for the right time to get you. But I must say that God is amazing. The many fire pots I was put into, He saved me. Even though I never thought I would know myself again, I got out of it and I survived. He taught me that growing up is not going to be a joyride. It's going to be quite a ride, rather. And tomorrow, I have another battlefield to finish to pay off my "debts", one of the things I learned, is to never pull out that "friend" card just because I can. And as I walk out there to sell my soul to the Devil the second time, I hope that I would read this post again some time later and know that I survived yet again by the grace of God and that I would have grown up a little more again.

Image retrieved from: http://www.thelocalpoker.com/wp-content/uploads/14_4_orig.jpg

Life is very much like a round of poker, and Aces don't always come your way. Just don't meet the Joker.

photo taken by me! =)

God's faithfulness are new every morning. Flowers wither but His love and faithfulness never will! I've been through a lot ever since I left Seremban, and ever since dad left. No matter how hard the road have been, despite the many times I thought that I wouldn't make it, I made it through a number of things through His strength. I'm almost through this huge mountain, Lord, I will trust in You!

photo taken by me again! =)

I thank God for giving me this wonderful church to serve in. Despite the distance, I believe He has a plan for me. This church has been a training ground for me to get back on my feet and continue battling spiritual warfare. Lord, thank You for letting me serve You. This is my first church that I've served in for a good two years after 3 years of church hopping. And not forgetting, that the Lord has blessed me with my other half. Thank you Jesus!

photo taken by me :P

I lost some friends, and I met some. I know that the Lord has never forsaken me. I'm very blessed to know the above two. Despite our differences, we actually got along pretty well. It has been a great blessing with their willingness to help, comfort and sharing and not forgetting the countless fits of laughter. Thank you girls for being there for me. :)

A friend who would send me everywhere and wouldn't mind dipping her feet into slimy waters.

A friend who would jump, run, squeeze for my photo shoot requirements! Sweats and trips but never complains :)

 Of course, not forgetting the one, I've truly been blessed with for the past two years and still counting...

<3

Despite the many troubles we've faced, it all depends on which road we decided to take, and the consequences we have to face. The journey mom and I have been through and still going, wouldn't have been possible without His love and guidance. And I am very blessed to have a mother who understands, cares, and lets me tease like a friend! Hehe!

We're almost there, mee!

A friend of mine shared this video with me last night :

I've been through a lot, despite the hurts and disappointments, I am truly blessed. :)

Here's a verse that I would like to share on this occassion,

"Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He saveth them out of their distresses.
He sent His word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. KJV Psalm 107:19-20" 

P/S: I know my photography skills still suck, but I'm tryinggggg!!


Count your blessings! =)

A friend of mine told me, that she didn't want to sacrifice her time participating in any sidekick roles for a play. As I was hearing this, I reflected on a lot of things. Back when I first came to Banting, I felt that every one's wasting my time. I felt that I deserved better. Then when my pastor gave me a chance to serve, I felt that they should all listen to me when I coach voice, because I'm doing it for free. It wasn't long till I got into trouble, misunderstandings and arguments with the ministry. I was pretty disappointed because I felt that I did not fit in with the crowd. I even stopped serving for a couple of months because I thought that this church wasn't meant for me anymore.

As I spent those few months down there as part of the congregation, I realized how great our God is, He can make use of us anytime and also use someone else whenever we think we are too great for something. When I stopped coaching voice and serving, the team went on week after week. Then I realized that I'm not so great after all.


You know, sometimes we tend to overlook the minor roles in life. I met another pastor's daughter last week and I asked her, 'Do you serve in your church?' she humbly replied, 'Yes, I'm just an usher' In most churches that I have been to ( I'm not generalizing) , most pastor's kids have a certain responsibility or role to play in church. But this is my first time hearing a Pastor's child saying, "I'm just an usher". I was touched by her humbleness to serve in such manner, a person who did not want much of a name but just humbly serving God by welcoming people at the door every Sunday.

It was then I figured, it's not the talents that God has given us made us great, but its the heart that we have, that servant heart to serve Him and His people. We can have all the talents in the world, but if we think too much of ourselves and our sacrifices, we are not serving in proper manner. It's just when Jesus took those beatings for us before He was nailed upon the cross, what if He thought of Himself being a Son of God and did not deserve such sacrifice? If the lady thought much about her sacrifice, then she wouldn't have broken her most expensive alabaster jar to wash Jesus' feet. Our Father takes into account of every little thing we do despite how small the role may be. Thank You Father for enlightening me once again. :)

Nightmares and morningmares,
You can attack me whenever you want,
But you'll never succeed,
Because my God is great and the Almighty,
What do you have to compare to rule over me?
You may whisper words in my mind and heart,
Whenever I'm alone I know you are near,
But the one next to me isn't you,
My Abba Father is always next to me,
Always IN me.
So get out of my house,
Get out of my head,
Get out of my mind,
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,
The Lord who has loved us enough to give up His own son,
I rebuke you, evil one,


Dear God,
Whisper me sweet words of comfort and strength,
I know You'll never leave me,
I know there would only be one pair of footprints in the sand,
You will be carrying me home and to safety.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. It is not His will for us to know what He has planned for us in our lives. We have to seek Him at all times and carry on this journey called- life along with His guidance. It has been years of pain and turmoil. Arguments and bitter tongues that numbed my brain and soul and to the very core of my heart.

Till I see Him face to face, it is my destiny to hand my future in His hands. I encourage all of you, to not carry your burdens alone. I have done so for many years now, and I am older than my age. When I sang this song last week- "Till I see You" by Hillsong, I felt a load of burden in my heart. It was so heavy it was suffocating. I could not sing, it was as though you were living but you are actually dead. I felt restless and I could not sing. I felt heavy.

As I sang it again and again, I asked God, "God!! Where are You? Help me!" I cried out to Him in my heart. And then it was as though it was just a bad dream, the heaviness in my heart left me. I knew at that point that I was given a lesson to be still and know that He is our God Almighty. And we cannot do all things without Christ, because it is Christ that will strengthen us. (Philippians 4:13 )

It is indeed a storm that I am facing in reality. A storm that I doubt my faith in the sea. Just as the fishermen woke Jesus up because they had such little faith in the sea despite the fact that Jesus was with them. God uses different people in different situations. I've had friends who were with me in the past recent years, that have left me now. But I know He has plans for me and my family and the promised freedom is on its way.

With what little faith I have I say, give glory to Him. Give honour to Him; because the branch that you want to hold on to in times like this, would be the hand of God.

Let us trust in Him and live a child in awe of Him each day. Have a great week ahead! :)

I've always been living in an unfair world. Well. I guess I made myself think that the world was unfair to me. As those of you who may have already known me, I carry with me lines and bulging eye bags of fatigue from worry and stress. Not forgetting that permanent frown I have across my forehead. I recently met someone, at first, I felt so irritated because she talks a lot about the past and I said to myself, I've got too much to worry about my future and the things that may take place the very next day, I don't have time for this.

But soon as I sat down to recall everything that she- Cindy has said to me in the few days that we have gotten close, it's like child's play, we met in a "sandbox" (college) and soon enough we were sharing Barbie (topics) and just somehow clicked. I soon got to realize that she's patiently reminding me that the world doesn't have to be that pitch black and cold all the time. Sometimes we just gotta learn to let go.

I could see the scars all over her face and I know she's been through her share of nightmares. I truly am happy and sometimes envious to see her at ease while I'm still battling with mine. But somehow I'm glad that she shares her past with me giving me courage to push on forward. Ever since Karen left, I never really had anyone to talk to about my feelings, and yes sometimes I really do feel like a turtle, it is so tiring to carry such a hard shell on my back when I'm really just so vulnerable on the inside.

When this new friend of mine told me that she's really looking forward to a long lasting friendship (she's been previously hurt by friends on several episodes) it somehow freaked me out a little because I've come so far in this journey alone. I once had a friend, and I depended too much on him that he had to leave me half way in hope that I would learn how to be independent. It has been so long since I have shared my emotions to anyone.

When I sat back and looked at all I have with me now, I realized how much I have neglected the people around me. I have been so headstrong with things in life, that I have failed to see past their needs. I was watching Glee just now, and when Rachel sang "The Only Exception" by Paramore to her boyfriend, she confessed that she should not have tried to control every inch of the relationship. It struck me that I am tired because I try to control everything on my plate.

I came home today, and I read the daily bread on Facebook. I thought I'd share with all of you,

“ Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. —Luke 12:32 ”

 I realize now that I have been very much a hypocrite. Sharing and telling that we should give all glory to Him, I have neglected the one simple thing He told us to do, "Cast all worries on Him" I pray that this renewed joyful heart would last, I pray that I will not turn back to look at the past when things don't go my way, because I know when I ask of Him, I will receive, maybe just not NOW, but I will when it is time.

Weird, I have no idea if I made sense in this post, but, yeh, mixed feelings. :)

I love you, big guy <3

I’m still living in denial.

I told myself that I’d get over it

I told many others to get over it too.

The show must go on

And thinking about you just ain’t helping

If it’s true that we are our own teachers

I pray we all have the courage to go on

That every time we sing

We wouldn’t wait on you to correct us

That every time we sing

It’ll be our best

I told myself I’d write something about you

I’ve failed to do that so far

Cause every time I think of you

I hate the fact that you’re gone

I hate the fact that you made so many promises with us

And just left us all hanging

I know you didn’t mean to

I know it wasn’t your intention

You just got called Home sooner than you expected

When we heard what you’ve done throughout your lifetime

You’ve made us wish we knew you earlier

You’ve made ME wish we could turn back time

I get up in the morning

Wishing my Monday classes are still on

In fact, something inside me still tells me

That this is just a joke

That it ain’t real

You said I was dependent of you

Well you didn’t give me time to grow out of it

You said you’d put me through competitions

But you never saw me through any of it

I know as time passes,

You’ll be just a memory in my mind

The father figure I’ve had,

The father figure I’ll always have,

The guidance I had not only for voice

But in life.

I’ll write about you someday

Someday when I can think of you

About the times we shared

About the achievements we achieved

Without so much hurt

Without that sting in my throat

Without that burn in my chest

Without that dampness on my cheeks