Monday, April 26, 2010

You and me

I have always been a thinker. I always am a fighter. I always needed my plans to be as bulletproof as possible, and often re-plan just so I won't miss out any unexpected changes that may take place.

When I met you, I lost myself in you, you gave me the joy I always hoped to have again. A hand to hold throughout the sunset and a listening ear to all my joys and pains. The moment chemistry sparked, I told myself I 'm not going to let this- us go. Thus, we clicked.

The stubborn me, needing to know if this relationship is bulletproof. I tested us in any bitchy way I can be. I needed to know if you'd still stand by me. You did. You made me see a different side of love, that this may just be different, that this may just be it.

Over the times, I've done my mistakes and I apologize. But looking at us in a third party's point of view, I'm nowhere fitted in your likes and dislikes. Staring at you, smiling with such joy with another, doesn't make me feel jealous. Just made me realize even more that I am not capable of it.

I don't want to continue in this illusion that we may work, we could work, we'll probably work. I don't want to be the one in a bucket of tears when it's all been said and done. I gathered my wits to put a checkmate to this, but I often chickened out and emotionally let the thoughts of not having you in my arms again slap me out of such courage.

It hurts me that you'd refuse to listen to my heart cries and claim to not have anything to do with it. It hurts me to see that you'd voluntarily listen and help others who need such company. I miss the times when we'd talk all night long on the phone and on the web. Does this mean we're only meant to be best of friends? Does this mean you're meant to be so near yet so far? What can I do to have your heart?

I long to be safe in your arms and secured with your love.
I looked upon heaven and pray that Father would show me which path to take and how to go through each and every day with such pain and yet at the same time such love from you.

Or maybe I'm just a loser in relationships.