Well......it was the holidays.... so for a kick start, my girlfriends ---- MANDY AND XIN YI. (yep, Mandy, I'm announcing your names out loud!) lol.

Where was I? Oh right... we the girls, la femme... muah... *winks* HAHAHAHA headed off to Port Dickson, Glory Beach Resort for an evening. J hung out with us too, sometimes I wondered if he had fun on this day 'cos he was the only boy. But it was fun for me though.

The entrance of the "glory" beach...still standing huh? Wait till we bombard it. :P

Of course, you'd think we'd be so mean and just have ONE boy on our outing without supervision? Wakakakakakaakka!! My dear mommy!!

Yes, ladies, my car's sexy. Live with it :P (kidding!)

I think Mandy was trying to emphasis the dirt on my car instead :(

Yeah, charlie's angels come on!

(gosh i'm so sweattttttttt)

Well, xin yi and I was standing there to plot some payback pranks on ahem....you know who...the only XY. HAHAHAHAAH


So what else did we do??

And there it was! Payback!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeee.......though I must say, Xin yi wasn't helping much on the victim, she was torturing me instead. heheheeheh

We decided that J needed baptism and of course I was the only "eligible" one to carry out this ceremony. LOL!!

Ah......he ran away, typical him. But did you have to run in such a Bollywood drama way? People think otherwise you know??!!!

She decides to pose part time since they were hiring.................


This woman is great! She can be vain.............. HAHAHAHAHA.....i love you chic!

Ah.... though they were not hiring, she insists on creating a job position on her own...

Okay, I'm not five but I just enjoyed doing that. I made them out of the trash bin in my car! heeh

I decided to test on my FIFA kick... ^.^


You think I'd let him go at just that??

Look at my laughter ? That's pure happiness in torturing someone.. gee

And X marks the spot and I ain't telling you where was it.. *innocent look*

Yup, your butt's dirty dude... clean it!

I told you he was a pervert!! Look at him! Its pure proof!!

Yeah, hide your face you fraud!! *winks*

I begged him over with my puppy face (*vomits*)

To slap him! *slap* woohoo!! salute me!!

Love me, my victory! Hahahahahahaha

Ah...Mandy and I...just the two of us, we can make it if we try...just the two of us~~

I decided to ask her how she felt...about the whole trip.


But before I tell you what she said, Please, allow me to pose a lil... :P

Xinyi and I.......

This woman kept teasing me and J...... sweat!

She made me puke!

See?

One whole pond ah!

Sweat...

=.=

Okay, everyone's been asking me what's up with me blog these two months. I know, its pretty dead right? Sorry, I have been rather busy trying to put my life back in order after my you know what busy schedule towards the second half of this year, hence, I shall try to update my blog as fast as I can before the year 2008 comes to an end. Don't worry, I keep a written journal these days, so nothing is missed out, not forgetting my candid snapping skills is still up and going =p

You don't care how its like,
Bet you don't even know how its like,
To be treated like trash,
Though you spent all your cash,
Then something new comes up in your life,
You appreciate it as though its your new wife,
Finally I realise,
That you don't treat me the same no matter how you emphasize.

You finally changed after HUGE,
But not when I've tried to help after five months,
I'm very happy for you,
But it's always about you,
Sizing everyone ahead,
Leaving me the only maid,
Yes, I feel like a babysitter,
Waiting on you,
Putting my life on too much a hold,
I cannot wait anymore,
I gotta go.

I've finally gathered my wits,
To walk away from you,
Yet you still say that I need,
That prayer you boast about,
Damn you human,
Have you not seen the picture yet?
The truth that made me let all I've strived for go?

Well xy, remember you asked me if I felt it worth it after 5 months? Well, I really don't think it is. I'm hurt. I did as I said I would, it's the end of this so-called "training" journey. Am extremely tired of it. The Kidz Explosion party tomorrow, hah, I remembered it so well when he attended Jon's church with me. He promised to help me with the sandwiches and that he'll be free on that very day to attend it. And as usual, he breaks promises like candies. I only told him half of my feelings tonight, I kept the other ugly half, because he's never sensitive enough to understand. I assume and I think I'm right, that everything in my world is nothing to this person. Well, he will always be him, and nothing can change him. Whether he deserves whatever he has or not, I no longer care, because I'm letting everything go. I'm so tired of wanting so much and gaining nothing. 3 loaves of bread for tomorrow, marking three words = It is over.

It's a picture to burn, and I'm terribly confused. I will never know whether I'm doing the right thing after striving so long for something good. But, these four days, it has been a living hell thinking about this friendship and it still is... this person..... will never weigh importance for me as equal as how he weighs other people in his world. No, we're not dating, that's what I've been telling you guys, but I just wished that he'd have cherished a friendship out of all these.

I wished but gained nothing.

Nel Amor Guilio Cesare,

V'adoro, pupille,

saette d'amore;

le vostre faville

son grate nel sen

Pietose vi brama

il mesto mio core,

ch'ogn'ora vi chiama

l'amato suo ben

-Cleopatra-

Well, guess I've been preparing for the biggie on Sunday a little too much. Then when I heard it was cancelled I was pretty disappointed. I mean, it took me a whole load of courage to embrace myself for that walk if you know what I mean. I really wanted that day to determine if I was really okay with myself and facing that part of my depression. Sigh...... not forgetting the Saturday night, was another hectic and confusing outing. Perhaps I've been overly excited with the little gathering and was too exhausted when the big one came at nightfall. Went home with a terrible headache.....

That night, no sleep at all, mere wake all night till the sun rose. I finally drifted off to sleep, missing any church on the contrary...

Then a situation of communication error yet with her again. I seriously hate it when it happens because it seemed nothing but ridicule to me. We know each other fairly well yet we drown ourselves with endless episodes of miscommunication. Sometimes I wish I'd just call her more often and tell her most details myself. But again, I remembered what D said last time, that I'm too clingy sorta thing and that he can't be there all the time. That's when I pulled back on calling her, I didn't want her to be walking out on me too if I bugged her too much.

Well, guess I have problems in maintaining a friendship what more a relationship. Hah! Alas! Life is nothing but mere trouble for me when it comes to relationships of any sort. I seem to be uncontrollably cranky whenever I'm disappointed... I hate having to be human sometimes. The necessity to do the right moves ........ and then getting into the wrong moves...

Sigh, these holidays have been an entirely long and slow paced one, I had my ample rest but have not been able to fulfill my thoughts of endeavouring stronger friendships. In addition, family relationships is also another obstacle I've yet to encounter. Ah..... another day, another sun, another cloud, another disappointment with no one else but myself.

I'm just disappointed I haven found out whats wrong with me yet.

I hate cold nights, they remind me of you too much. The damp weathers we shared...
I read many many novels enough for me to be the next rising author, they all told me the same thing. I'd get hurt then someday when I grow up I'll meet the right one. But will I? I won't know, all I know is that it seems like the end of the world to me whenever I'm not out socializing....not having a stage to act upon as a "normal" girl..... I hate it whenever you're not here with me on such nights. You never will again, but will you give me the key to set myself free to this torment of your haunts though you're never in my world after so long?

You told me the other day that I affected your ability to love. You also said you chased after quite a few girls and that every other men would agree with you about me. Well, I wouldn't know who's right and who's wrong. 'Cos to you its just revenge, it always is and always will be. You said everything you had was destroyed because of me, but after all that's done, you broke mine as well...where's the logistics in that? When you went out with those girls, wouldn't it have gone across your mind that I'd be waiting on you faithfully and loving you every moment around the clock whether or not we barely meet?

I don't think you'll ever know how it hurts and how has it affected a person's life. I won't ever know if I'll be loved properly in the future, because when night falls I fear to even look at myself, you won't understand how that feels.... to actually once belonged to someone else. I wish you'd listened to me when we had a chance to try again. What's the point of knowing that I was telling the truth now when it's all destroyed?

I won't know if I'll ever step out of this because of all I know, I keep falling back into this pit. Girlfriends support me as I stumble, but how long would they stick with me and be patient with my pathetic torn life? Why wouldn't you believe me when I told you I was yours alone?

But its no longer the time to question whys.. 'cos I know that from that day forth, whenever I stepped out of the KTM and make my walk to the bus station, the form who once took me in his arms and claimed me his possession will never be waiting at the other end. I prayed alot since, I prayed that I'll get over it, but I see no end of it just yet, the big L, seems to be freaking me out whenever people show me care instead. I guess, I'm just sick of hearing people talk about you, siding how upset you are and how abused you are, because no eyes have seen my part of the story yet...

Time flies so quickly, I just couldn't believe my eyes we are now in the twelfth month of the year. Despite the rough edges and winding corners, we are where we are right here right now. Legal babies we are many, shallt not I forget the girlfriends who stood by me through the stormy seas when my journey with a few loved ones left my door. I never really planned a birthday for this someone before, somehow this time, her birthday seemed to be rather a necessity to plan for. Yes, I am rather mischevious and cheeky by nature as we can see with M's birthday this year, but this time, I don't know if I should broaden by actions, but oh what is there to lose?

Being eighteen isn't entirely awesome for me really. Turmoil here and there tires me down and sometimes I must admit that I hate to be old. However, I noticed and am sincerely touched by those who will be with me and forever will be in hope, and so, I really pray to God that she will find this little planning an enjoyable one.

With our shoulders heavy with work, responsibilities and commitments, there is little that I know of this special someone and the rest of those who's birthdays have passed. I am trying to know and find out hoping to at least strike a few corrects keeping her happy for this birthday. My birthday party was a blast, but the days that follow was aghast, some experience I'd kill to forget... I want all my buddies birthdays to be happy this year and nothing but jolly with lolly, and lucky she, she will celebrate it with some holly.....

I'm rather anxious and nervous not knowing what's good and what's best. But I just hope that in time as the countdown gets nearer to this little lunch date, she will be rest assured that this is a promise I keep in me that ~~ She will be loved. Allow me to finish by crossing my heart to seal that promise embedded.

It wasn't that long ago,
That we spoke rather often,
Twas then it was all over,
All opportunities were used up,
Then there was nothing left to be endavoured...

Once then you're a fool,
But twice, I'm the real fool,
Faced life changing events without you,
Though taken with courage,
I sigh with relief without full satisfaction,
Because I wish I could share it with you,
Till there come a time,
When I cannot any longer..

Misty mornings,
Blazing noons,
Wet and damp evenings,
Left me hot and cold,
Shivering and shuddering,
Reading pages through blurry eyes,
Teardrops pouring with the rain,
No one would understand the pain...

The warmth of your presence,
Enlightens the ambience,
We used to ignore all consequences,
Exploring and improvising without limitations,
When will we restore,
And grant me that secure,
I shall not want to be apart,
For I am stumbling and with a longing heart,
I miss you.

Alas! The art of hypocracy has been revealed!
The bitterness obtained from the poison of his tongue,
As he puts his evil vision into words,
Oh! A disgrace to mankind,
A young boy, a chap yet to see the world,
So sadly, he has become the potion of Romeo and Juliet,
Causing nothing but mere pain and scrutiny.

Repent a lesson I shallt not dare teach,
For the words that speaketh through one's lips,
Should bear the fruit of that tree,
A lesson simple yet so difficult to follow,
Leading many to a road all so narrow,
The wrong road taken by this young fellow.

Once we forgiven,
Twice we voiced our disapproval,
Thrice he entered his own deathbed,
Sacrificing that one bit of treasure we all must have,
Dignity,
Integrity,
Morality,
He shall never have till this day forth.

The tongue is so useful yet so blissful,
May we all watch our prima donna-itis self,
That we do not hurt others,
A lesson I yet to master myself,
But may this version of the accult Casanova be extinguished.

I don't know what I ate wrong, I don't know what happened...

It's my fifth time to the loo.... T.T

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna cry.......!!!!!!!!

There's so much to do with so little time. I really intended to rest and enjoy my holidays, but I find myself working far harder all over again equally as how I did for the past four months. Rather grateful I am for J to help me in my tasks but I'm rather upset to know what lies ahead that I need to complete. Too many responsibilities, too many promises that I have made. I regret it now, but it is too late. I seem to be working my death now...

1. Move piles of clothes back into cupboard in mom’s room
2. Clear off brother’s cupboard top, and stack up his boxes up there
3. Fix up one 3-tier shelf next to the computer table
4. Clear the big red basket at my room door and decide what to put in it
5. Put up new curtain at brother’s room
6. Clear first 3 shelves in white cabinet near glass door
7. Move DVD player to mom’s room
8. Go to computer shop to find out Printer prices
9. Put Ian’s book to photocopy
10. Figure a way to keep my undergarments so mom can have her box back
11. Clean the balcony
12. Fix back brother’s bed mattresses
13. Put a new rack in the toilet
14. White cabinet from brother’s room put at car porch
15. Plug in speakers ( to take from Michelle’s home) to the computer
16. Store in story books and unused books into the store room
17. Move back TV cabinet things to its places

Today I went to Jon's church for youth service. That BFL that man! He text me the other night saying there was some guest speaker coming or something? J tagged along too. Yep, Jon was the worship leader and he was the "guest speaker" Hahahahahaha

But he looked so cute when he was trying to share a topic on LOVE. Let's see how many things he tricked me: -

1. Text me and told me to bring my friends cos its gonna be a gathering.
2. Guest speaker ------------ aha...yeah right..
3. Try out on the keyboard. -----I became the pianist for his worship impromptu.

OKAY, yes, we did have fun and learnt 1 Chorintians 4:13

In the middle of the service, Hau texted me and invited me for steamboat dinner. LOL, so much for wanting to go home early to rest my headache. How can I decline an opportunity to fellowship with my girlfriends? Trailed their car from Kemayan Square to Lobak. Yup, we ate from 6.30pm till 10.00 pm. Mom's very happy to hear that I guess, Maine finally ate!! XD

One funny thing which I don't think I'll ever forget was this... J gave me a goodbye hug as usual, nothing indifferent to me as that's how I socialize with my friends and a few of the junior's committee...... in the process I spotted queer eyes from my back mirror. When Hau hopped in the car to guide me, she said, "Hi, Charmaine, can I ask you a question?"

Guess what I said?

"No, we're not dating"

She said, "Oh okay...ahah you know what I wanted to ask"

Who wouldn't? hahahahahahahahaha.... !!!

But hell yeah, I had fun with my girlfriends tonight. I love you girls :-

1. Hau Eng Huan
2. Mandy Low Man Yee
3. Chong Xin Yi

xoxoxo

I hate it when he mentioned the three years,
Because it only brings back all the memories,
All the pain I have suffered along the way,
And to know that he wants more out of me,
To know that I will be disappointing him again,
Worst of all,
To catch glimpses of him,
Watching me,
Watching him sink lower,
With horror of disappointments,
For I carry with me,
A treasure that he wished he had,
Only to see me put to waste...
I loved him so,
Far worse, I love what he thought me very much,
But everytime I try to reach the stars,
I fall lower than the ground I stand upon,
I wasted 3 years of his time,
3 years of his presence here for me when I was down,
3 years of him replacing my hurt with notes and dynamics,
3 years of wanting me to please his ears with my melody,
3 years of needing to prove to him that I have a promise to keep,
3 years only to know that,
I am nothing whatsoever he wanted...

As brave as I can be,
But when he sat me down sternly.
I revealed my cageless heart,
That I am nothing but a cowardice behind that mask,
The truth that spoke through my eyes tonight,
Showed him how weak I actually am,
The moment he noticed,
My trembling hands as I held my scores.

Its not that I have not tried,
Nor is it that I have not put enough efforts,
He's right yet again,
For it is not the fault of my voice,
But the fault of my soul,
I have yet to communicate,
Music and my soul together as one,
And everytime I look over my book and notice the player,
I fall even lower,
To know that my guardian is no longer there,
And will not be there to tell me how to sing,
Nor to give me that very prayer I badly need.


This torment I have tonight,
Is far harder to overcome than I thought,
As the eleventh hour strucked on the wall,
I dabbed my handkerchief on my tear stained cheek,
For it is indeed a nightmare,
To be afraid of something I love and cherish,
And to face something that makes an impact in my life,
With people who will not understand me...

The long conversation we had tonight,
Made me realise that I have taken many for granted,
Sadly its too late now for me to make ammendments,
For my time has come to face that stage,
A stage in which I will act upon,
With strangers I will not understand,
And floweth my vibrato moderato forte...
Within the four walls of that solemn hall,
Leaving behind me,
Nothing but the echoes of the una corda by the pianist...

Yup, my vocal exam is just one and a half days away. I seem to be proceeding with my daily routines rather fine but I know that I'm freaking out like mad on the inside. Sigh, I really don't like this feeling, I mean, I enjoy singing but then... I seem to be so stressed out when it comes to classical. Perhaps its really not my thing even though I may have the high notes in me.

No idea how am I going to pull through it, I have yet to put in more ornaments, dynamics and the tempo of the songs. I'm trying to cope with everything and more things in these two days and at the same time saving my voice from any harm and threat till the day of the exam.

Nothing much to talk about it though, but rather, I'M FREAKING OUT!!

I'm really upset tonight, because its not that I didn't try my best, in fact, I was so ready to show them what I prepared, but its all gone now. The moment I stepped in, she gave me a friendly wave, hah, unfortunately it worked the other way around. I begin to tremble. The exact feeling I had when I met people before campfire this year, only this time, the door slams behind me, and my teacher takes the seat of the judge.

I looked at my page of the book. Funny why I still looked at it, cos that day when D called and say I ought to prepare for my exams, I made very sure I memorised everything before I left home this morning. But when I found my page, it felt as though I've never learnt italian before. I tongue twisted my way through... here's an example:

"In the scented bud of the morning O, where the windy grass went rippling far..."

but I went...

"Into scented bud O of the morning, where the rippling grass went windy far..."

I hate myself. Especially for the song Sebben Crudele. My advantage was my fluency in Italian.. but I ruined it. The ornaments I prepared to make it more my song, to make it more my composition, more style to it, as required by the examiner......my teacher prepared me simple ones, but these few days, I worked out better ones to make myself stand out. Bull..... I sounded far worse than a six year old singing with a cough.

Alas, the Broadway song......shall we dance? Quoting D : My arse.......
I imitated the voice of "Anna" very well and impressive to have my teacher talk about it so much... but I saw him sink into his chair and watch me in disgust.

The pianist, I bet she thinks I'm horrible too. We didn't even look at each other after that. It was all too ugly. I hate myself so very much. The fire didn't rekindle, it fused. I bet D agrees with that too.

I practiced with a determination,
I rejoiced as I captivated my sister's attention,
I memorised every word and every note,
I even found time to re-decorate apart from what he gave me,
I've plough through every piece,
I've sung to a near ace,
In the car,
In the toilets,
In front of my friends,
At home,
I headed out to rehearsal with confidence,
But when I stepped into the room,
And faced her face to face,
I somehow lost my grip,
It was as though I was never told she would replace,
I tried,
Believe me when I said I did,
I moved from one corner to the other,
I screamed,
I breathed,
I focused,
No matter how well I sung in my solitude,
Despite my hopes and dreams to please him,
Regardless of my promise to my dear friend that this would be,
One hell of a rehearsal,
It is indeed,
The gates of hell has opened,
Because I have never failed this bad before,
Especially when I've really worked it all out,
Something I decided to go for,
An achievement,
In which I will never grasp,
For the truth be told,
I am nothing but a lousy singer,
A disgrace to the most honoured Caladra,
Leaving a spit on my face by the producers of Broadway themselves,
For having the sheer guts,
To even hope,
To even have that slightest thought,
And belief,
That I could actually sing,
I earned myself tonight,
A title,
I am indeed,
A lousy singer...

You told me once,
That you might be like him,
I never took heed,
But as four months passed,
I finally realised the truth,
The honesty you presented me,
The very first time you met me,
That my presence here,
Is to be at your service,
Nothing more.......
Nothing less....
Demands I am not allowed to speak of,
But to meet yours,
I am appointed to instead,
That's how I'm feeling inside,
When you treat me like this,
Because I've told you how I felt about these days,
I just wished,
We drew the line clearer,
'Cos now I feel used.

This song made me come back for them... I gave them this song to remember, well, I hope they'll take time to really listen to every word, every intensity, and know why we did so much. :)




"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side...
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me!
I can only imagine. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus?
Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!


I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Son!
I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'?
Will I be able to speak at all?I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!! Only imagine!!!I can only imagine.
I can only imagine, when all I do is forever, forever worship You!I can only imagine."

I don't know how you do it,
But you do it so well,
You rip open that stitch,
Dig out my ugly flesh along with some capillaries,
Wonder your hands in that bloody wound,
Pushing and pulling,
Every ounce of my blood drip off your fingertips,
Every pound of my flesh is brutally ripped out,
You can be so emotional,
Yet so cruel,
The evil desire of yours,
To know and to feel every part of me,
Every part of my thought, my heart, my feelings,
Till you are satisfied and contented,
You leave me bleeding to death,
I mean nothing to you the minute you got what you wanted,
You just walk away pretending that nothing has ever taken place today.

5 things that is running through my mind right now.

1) My Vocal Exam
2) My ex who text me just now.
3) Our trip to Eagle Ranch
4) Jieg being 20 km away from me
5) My really messy room.


It's not really a tag, but I'd still do it anyways, Karen? You're tagged! lol

We've just been introduced,

I do not know you well,

But when the music started

Something drew me to your side.

So many men and girls,

Are in each others arms-

It made me think we might be

Similarly occupied.

Shall we dance?

On a bright cloud of music shall we fly?

Shall we dance?

Shall we then say "Goodnight and mean "Goodbye"?

Or perchance,

When the last little star has left the sky

,Shall we still be together

With are arms around each other

And shall you be my new romance?

On the clear understanding

That this kind of thing can happen,

Shall we dance?

Shall we dance?

Shall we Dance?

You told me you don't anymore,
I swallowed those hurtful words,
And with the help of my friends,
I moved on in life,
I am nothing but pure contentment,
With whatever I have,
Whatever I achieved,
Then you go and come around,
Saying you wanna be friends again,
Thinking that you really meant it,
Till today you told me what you intended,
You loved me still that's why you came back into my life,
You ignored my question,
Pretending you never said that sentence,
I don't know what to think,
I only know that you're unfair,
Because you hold on to the grudge of something I did,
Whereas I have showered you with love more than whatever I've done,
You had your mistakes too,
Hurtful ones with other girls,
Funny they never mattered to me,
Because I loved you so,
As of now....
You scare me,
For who you are,
For who I loved,
I hate that I love you so.

My journey has just begun,
And this journey will last only seven days,
Will I succeed in achieving something that I've had a passion,
But yet deny it out of fear and discrimination,
Or will I fall, fail due to my fraility...

I've made a decision to give it a shot,
The moment I made that decision,
I told him,
That watchful eye that faded 5 months ago,
In hope that he will keep watch for me,
I know I am not in the position to,
But I had to try,
Because at this point of time,
I have no one in hope for me,
I have nothing to hope for,
I have no one to turn to...

Thank you, dear you,
For telling me I would be in your prayers,
Because you're the only one who understands,
How I've been feeling and how I truly feel,
I am nothing but sorry, and regret,
For hurting you previously,
But you have given me hope,
With that simple sentence...

I pray to God tonight
That all the prayers I'll be receiving,
Will be heard by Him,
Because I really had no intention to sloth,
But rather I made a decision to push everything aside,
To what my heart told me to do,
Just that I never expected it to last for 4 months...

Now I'm on my own again,
Yet, much stronger and in hope,
I still fear their fall,
Funny thing is,
Why do I still worry and think about them,
Now that I have a time bomb in front of me?

I can only imagine what would life be,
The day I see them pass me by,
All grown up,
But coming back to do what was done this time...

As for my voice,
I made a decision to try this Tuesday,
Because of what I sang on Saturday,
And Sunday,
I meant every word I sang

My father I adore you,
May you not ever leave me,
Because you mean more than music to me,
You are my melody,
And it was my desire and still is to do what I did,
I want to sing to You,
That you'd be my vision and focus when I stand on that stage,
That you'll grant me that faith.

Looking at the slideshows we did to wrap up the camp, I found myself in tears. Because despite of all the hardships, here we are, completing the camp, which marks my end, of aiding my friends to strive for something I strived for during my times. There had been many reasons why I came back... but they never did settle as a reason rather than the strongest reason that is to serve Him.

I made a decision to come back because I know I can never wipe out my past, and I can never stand up again ever since that phase of broken heartedness. I came back to make a change in that environment, to tell myself, that the world is much nicer if I make it so. But then again, I never would have came back if Jieg never gave me the call for help when he started adding me online. I never would have came back if I never spoke to friends and teachers whom I've been neglecting since the day I left school.

I made a promise last year, that I am to come back if CF needed me no matter what. I never fulfilled it until I really did so four months back. It was a big step, a vast change and many adjustments had to be made that affected my future. Now, after the camp, my life has just hit me back and slapped me repeatedly accusing me for abandoning it too long. It's very difficult for me to climb up that mountain where I was 4 months ago, but I have to I guess, because now that these friends of mine have spreaded their wings, they no longer need me, nor require my services.

I have never been a very very nice senior. I know that myself, I apologize for I am rather emotional when it comes to them not doing what I would've done if I were to be in their shoes. It just hurts so bad to see them stand in restlessness and despair. And it hurts me far worse to see them let it go, something I've been trying so hard to make a difference since I was 16.

I loved every moment of it, but with my added on presentation slides with the snapshots I captured throughout this 4 months, it will be a memory for me that I will never forget. But I hope my presence and this phase of my return shall be forgotten by them soon enough, and may they realise that these has all been their doings and not mine. Because in the end, if they had not done something, whatever that I had strived for meant nothing. For they are the current vision and the eyes of the eagle, it is their choice and decision to soar up, not mine. I am just nothing but a passer by.

If given a choice to turn back time, I would've done the same decision again. If given a choice to do it again next year, I would, in fact, I've moved out of campus accomodation, to fully spend my time in Seremban, hoping that there'll be more opportunities for me to help and serve in. Maybe not these friends, I'm sure they are sick of me already, maybe others who wouldn't mind a stranger coming in and making big changes and being bossy and then disappear like the wind...

Perhaps its because I can see the signs of her aging face..
I never really noticed how old she has become as I grew up these years,
How I used to hate her when she was the uncool woman, always the one out of date and embarrasses me in front of me and my friends,
Then how she worked her way through to understand me when I turned 14.
Replacing my father's position, being both parent at the same time to ensure I don't lose out on any bit of love,
She tries her best to be fair to us four,
But I don't think we ever really noticed...

No, it's not like a wake up call today or whatsoever, its just that today I'm just so tired in running this camp.
Because I noticed coming back to CF has been the highest price I can never be able to pay.
Never will I forget how my mom rushed to cook just to send me back to school for something that has nothing to do with her...
Then my demand increased, they needed the car to the campsite...
Mom took the bus home from school...
Why did I let that happen?
I hate myself so much for that.

I have become just like that man who left her three years back,
Working her out without a limit,
Not caring how she felt...
How we fought when I couldn't get what I wanted.
I feel so unworthy today,
Because I thought I was serving, but instead,
I think I'm just being disobedient...

She went to work in another state,
Just because she knows she can't afford to pay for my final semester,
She hated her work there,
But she stayed on,
I thought I could make her feel better by telling her I have a business for her,
Cater for the camp, and get out of work there early by 4 days...
Lose the money there,
Get it here,
Be close to me,
And be a part of my work like how she always wanted to.
But here I am today,
Telling her, Mom, I'm sorry but I don't think you can cater anymore...

But she still rested my mind saying
"It's okay, I need a break anyways..."
I hate it when she pretends to be alright when I know she's disappointed,
It just reminds me so much on how hard she tried to put up a brave front three years back,
Till one very morning she just broke down hugging me and cried on my shoulders...

I made a vow that morning that I will never want to disappoint her,
But I seem to be doing so,
Over and over again,
With my studies,
My music,
My promises broken...

Again will I say, I hate that man who told me to come back for this camp... because he caused me so much to pay.
I don't know how else to feel nor do I know what should I do,
Because even the day when mom was to leave to work,
I was on the phone with the CF president because he wanted me to have lunch with the guitarist.
How my mom cried,
How she was upset,
Because she felt like she lost a daughter...

Yet before she left,
She told me to take care and do my best,
She said she believes that I will achieve in whatever I do.

She risked it all for me,
She lost so much,
Energy,
Hope,
Dreams,
Desires,
Needs and wants,
She still respond to me optimistically and gently,

Which makes my heart break even faster,
Making me doubt my return,
Because I wish I spent the past four months with her instead..

My life is falling apart,
I,
The child she has the highest hope on,
I hate myself,
There's no point for tears,
I don't know what is there to blame on,
But my mere stupidity and naiive soul,

I'm only sorry for her,
And to disappoint the lady,
The teacher who prayed for me when I was watching my dad leave,
The Ms Ng who listened to me instead of the others who gossiped,
I owe it all to her,
A spiritual mother..

I owe it all to my mother,
To my spiritual mother,
I never knew the price was indeed so high,
Where I am now still working my way through
Every penny every cent I owe...

You flipped to that page again tonight,
When you text me to ask me why,
I forgive you for what you've done,
But why now and not then?
Because the hurt you gave me then,
Not anyone could pay that price..

We doubted each other,
I will never know how and why,
Now we are talking,
I don't want to get too close,
Because you still make my knees weak,
If you knew the true me,
I'd still be yours...

Amazing how you could smell another's hair,
'Cos I could swear you said mine was what you wanted,
Giving me hopes and dreams,
That was far higher than the sky,
Leaving me to fall lower than the gates of hell,
I hate that feeling you give me,
That hot and cold,
Need me then you don't,
'cos I really needed you,
Till I was on my knees begging,
With bleeding lips...
But you turned and said
Nice to meet me anyways...

Don't tell me how hard it had been,
I know better,
'Cos you said you were mine,
But you never stayed,
You collapsed that part of my world,
In which I've turned off the lights now,
I don't think I ever want to turn it on again...

Don't question me now,
Because you only make my body sick,
Everything I am now,
Is because of you,
You're like a chemical,
Poisoning me little by little,
Till every joint and every pore,
Turn blue....
Till I am cold and frozen,
With eye lids that will never shut again.

My head hurts..... I don't know what to say...
I'm sorry guys.

Is the camp really screwed?
I really don't know. I seriously hate the fact that there's nothing to be done in the end but to go on with the fiasco of the camp and let CF die. I mean, 46 members was a very encouraging number. But, one by one people drop out in the last week before the camp....

I guess, the journey for CF is about to an end...

I don't know what else to say and I don't know what else to expect. I only will hate and can only blame the person who caused me so much pain for bringing me back into this.

Darn exhausted today when I came back, cos I'm falling ill. I can feel it. Gonna need proper rest this weekend. Heh...yeah right as if anyone would let me. I was pretty tension when I was about to start worship today, dude, I'm no leader. Thank God they tolerated my fussiness and annoying attitude and hair pulling scenes.

Never did I imagine I had to lead B's worship. I've been preparing mine all week but never hers. Yikes, I thought... but oh what the heck eh? I'm really really grateful I had everybody's co-operation. Thank God.

I don't know if I've served the purpose that is to show B how it's done but I really felt like me when I did it. And the musicians and vocals were awesome....this people are undeniably talented. The way worship was brought up and quieten down, I don't think I've experienced that in a very long time.

It doesn't matter how well a person leads but rather how does the person relate to his or her team. That's something I learnt that I must master in order to gain better team work spirit.
I love them. :)

The feelings are rather uncertain, alike waves, slapping the sides of the beach, and moving backwards to the sea over and over again. The heat is penetrating but somehow the uncertainty gives me a dose of fear but at the same time, a dose of tranquility.

I hadn't been back at that place in days. But communications these days were no hindrance for any news to be left unknowing. This is when I picture myself as the blind, not being able to see how they are but I can only see their situation through what I hear and how my heart feels from it. That is one type of music I've always loved.

They are striving hard, I can imagine, beads of sweat flowing down the feeble leader trying to seek for a solution that seemed so near yet so far. I can sense, the tension, the pressure on the shoulders of his assistant, waving away with his hand when he thinks about it but it comes right back into his mind shortly after that. The team, two girls, two very lovely girls. One, after hearing the ugly comment from me, she attempts to make a difference by promising more and more. I can picture her arranging and re-arranging a shelf but still fail to make up her mind because there is just too many things going on in her life at this very moment. Too many events. As for the latter, she has the wisest opinions amongst all of them but keeps her lips pressed firm, unspoken till she's questionned.

I hear they gather together themselves, and pray to the Almighty. I could see a sligh shade of the evening glow shine upon them, there was a spark of unity in them but will it burn? I pray it would. Prayers aren't merely words, their hearts,souls and mind should be united as well and together cry out to Him. They finally "gave themselves no rest" though the clock may be ticking fast in their world, but slow in mine........... it is never too late.

I noticed a smirk of satisfaction as I gaze upon my reflection. Are they finally stepping over the hedge and noticed and feel and know and understand how I have been feeling and still am feeling for the past four months about them and about this event? Sometimes I wonder why do I do what I do, but I will never have the answer to it because it's something in me that tells me it is a command not a thought.

Where I am standing now on this stage, I have been crying out for them, these people who are supposed to be leading, they are my main purpose of crying without fail. The world around them are dimmed, because it is up to them to share the light. My committee are only few, our hands and feet can only reach out to a certain extend. It's somewhat I quote, "pick up your bed and walk" There is no time to regret, there is no time to turn back, rather, save yourselves and your neighbours from more disappointments, but rather, hold on, strive harder and call the shots.

The opportunity costs of getting us here and now no longer mattered. It will only come into place if you let all else fail. Put a price to the efforts made, don't make us regret because it was not mere concern that made us dip our foot in but rather, the friendship, the love, the need and the hope we had throughout the past 7 months of our lives after we left school that we intended to share with you, your youthful souls.

The door keeps slamming, I have warned you so, so embrace yourself and not walk away from that door and seek for a window instead. God has made you who you are and commanded His authority upon you and there is no shame when it comes to Him. Seek Him more, cry out to Him as how I have cried out for you. Don't give up, no, its not time yet to be six feet under my dear, and even if there'd come a chance you should, I would lay my body before yours does.

Sometimes things are easier achieved if we just surrender it to God, no, that doesn't mean we should sit down and fold our arms across but rather, pray before we speak to every individual about our purpose, pray before we walk out of that class, pray before we pray together as a team, pray before we even decide to lift a finger for anything. Sounds tedious? Well, God is a jealous God, there's no such thing as ONE PRAYER THAT SAYS IT ALL.... be in detail, He will open more doors for you.

You don't really have much choice now that you see the walls are closing in. I've been feeling that way ever since my return. I have fallen weak along the way but you guys are the angels I have never met. No, its not just my saying, many have said the same. I wish I was like you guys back then when I was still at school. But my time was then and gone, my team will only return for this one glimpse that feels like hell though just 9 days away but we should all together leave an imprint of the struggle we struggled for God.

I may be very engrossed with this, but I admire and adore every individual you. Drown in tears and let Him save you. Try and fail rather than protect yourself and regret later. Sixteen years of life is just the beginning, I'm only two years away, and life is already a bumpy journey the minute I stepped out of school. Hold on, and not be whom I've been, tired, alone, heavy yet weary. Smile, though you may be disappointed now, just smile and think positive, think success, you won't know what's next in line if you do so.

Don't wait, pick up the pieces, make something out of them.

Isn't it simple?

1. Don't just pray, but cry out to Him
2. Smile though your spirits are weakening

Strive, before the sun goes down. :)

“ By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. —John 13:35 ”


Tis the season to receive catalogs in the mail. Every trip to the mailbox ends with an armload of slick holiday catalogs. Each one claims to offer me something I need—immediately. “Don’t wait!” “Limited offer!” “Order now!”
The lure works. I open the pages to discover what I didn’t know I needed. Sure enough, I see things that suddenly seem essential, even though a few minutes earlier I didn’t know they existed. Manufacturers use catalog illustrations to create desire for their products.
In a way, Christians are God’s catalogs. We are His illustration to the world of what He has to offer. His work in our lives makes us a picture of qualities that people may not know they need or want until they see them at work in us.
Jesus prayed that His followers would be unified so the world would know that God sent Him and loved them as God loved Him (John 17:23). When Christ is alive in us, we become examples of God’s love. We can’t manufacture love. God is the manufacturer, and we are His workmanship.
As you browse holiday catalogs, consider what the “catalog” of your life says about God. Do people see qualities in you that make them long for God?

I don't want to do this anymore

I can no longer differentiate what's right and what's not

Why do you hate my care?

Why do you not treat me like a human being

I don't know how else to please you

But my breaking point yesterday

Was when I recalled

How I begged you to pray for your people

I had to beg you to pray

You should know who you are

See my brokenness

When I begged you to come

When I begged you to pray

When I begged you to hear

I'm no beggar

But you made me one.

....................................................

As for you,

I became your best friend,

But that doesn't mean you turn to me

For every little thing you do

I forever will love you

But you never thought of me

You never noticed how tired I am

And how I cried when you don't learn

All of my hope for you...

I am hurt

Because I can no longer help you

I have reached my limits,

When you tell me you can't and you cannot,

How easily you forget God

to not ask Him for strength.

I wish I could be you,

Do nothing and just say I cannot.

...................................................................................

As for you,

I miss you so much,

Because I want you to hear me out,

You care for them but you forgot how I strived,

When will you come back and give me that support I need?

I am so broken that I don't see what else is ahead

I turn to you

But you just go further away from me

We were in this together

Where did you go?

..................................................................................

You,

You're a devoted worshipper,

You have a voice so sweet,

But you forgot your priorities,

You worried about what the world thinks,

But not Him,

You refused to ask Him to guide you,

You say you cannot satisfy all of them,

What about me?

I live to satisfy all of them,

Think about me will you ever?

...................................................................................

As for this man,

Who came by to help me,

And help the rest of them,

I am ever more grateful,

But I just hope you know what you're getting into,

Looking at how hurt I am yesterday,

You should know by now,

All my delight is in ruins,

They may be prepared physically

But how are they spiritually?

...................................................................................

As for myself,

All of my strength is used to the max,

I hope I have done a fairly well job,

Even though I will still be the blame for every little thing,

I apologize for my return if I have caused you annoyance,

I can only thank you,

For sticking with me till this far,

I have nothing left to say,

But only a wilting shoot,

Awaits for them to think of me...

Today, I had quite a day with the CF dudes, not forgetting the Mewahans attended and the extended help. It didn't go very well, but its was pretty satisfactory to all of us. But I just want to express my feelings and thoughts about someone who was or should I dare say, is still going through this camp with me?

He and I, we came back with an objective, a mission and a vision yet, along the way, I felt him slipping away. I struggled to push that thought to the back of my mind but today I just can't, the image of him just kept running across my mind. I'm so tempted to ask him what's going on but everytime I dial his number on the phone, I hesitate to go on because I don't think I'm prepared to hear whatever he has to say.

I miss him. Really. I do. I miss how fired up he used to be for CF and how he'd call me, D, and J just to catch up on how things are. Now.... I don't know where is he, how is he, what's going on in his life. It just feels as though, I do not know him anymore. Is this another phase of life where another person walks out on me? I don't know.

The news I had yesterday about grandpa, the problems that had been occuring with the CF lately, my exams and stuff like that........ I wish he cared. I never needed him to come all the way back to help me out physically or anything like that but rather, to be the listener he always had been for me when my parents got divorced or when I had a breakdown in other things. Was it something wrong that I have done? Well, even if I did, I guess I will never know.

I must admit that I am a disappointment to this brother of mine, for I am a failure. Along the way, I thought whatever I did was right and would bring us the outcome we both thought of. Now, my hands and feet are tied and bound to the grounds, I can do nothing no longer, and only surrender everything to God and fate and life and whatsoever. I feel abandoned in this event, I just needed him to care and not just care about the event but rather, care about me, and not be like the rest of them who pass me by......not realising how tired I am and not acknowledging me as a human being.

I want to call you..... but our friendship is so close yet so apart. I can only say I'm sorry, because I am a failure. And I don't know how long I can pull through these two weeks on my own now that you're not here......or er.....inconsistent... I just needed some support. But if I have disappointed you so badly then, I'm sorry, S. Maybe I shouldn't have been the one to share that vision after all.

I thought I would have a chance to know you,
But you contributed to my bitterness,
I only met you once,
And it wasn't very nice,
If I had came up to you,
The days when you were breathing,
Would that have made a change between us?

Somewhere deep inside me,
I hate you,
Because I deserved love from you,
But when I got the news,
Thinking I could fight back those tears,
Since there was no reason to cry,
I still felt that ache,
Even though we never started off right.

I begin to understand,
That all hurts and wrongs should never be kept,
When you're dead and gone,
The emptiness inside is far worse than the grudge,
I pray to God to help you,
No matter how much they hate you,
I still think you should've been saved.

As your body lowered down to six feet under,
You carry with you your past and regrets,
So is the two you owed your love and loyalty,
I played no role in it,
But I still wonder if there had been a chance of turning back,
If there'd be a chance,
To save your life.

I cried for you,
I had that scarce love for you,
You are still my family no matter what you did,
There is no point to list down your faults,
No one would care anymore,
You have paid all your debts in full,
The minute you breathe your last breath.

Wishing there had been another way to this,
I begin to wonder why you did so last time,
I wish I had a better way of knowing you,
And having a warmer closeness with you,
I know your departure must have been a torment,
Not forgetting your last few years of hell,
By the women you thought you deserved,
I can only feel sorry,
May you rest in peace...

I cried my heart out after the UPM performance, because it hurt so much as I watched the soloist take the stage. It wasn't fair. Looking back, how my mom hurt because I literally abandoned the family... how my music just fall apart one after another... how I lost myself, how I forgot everyone but only them. Never will I forget, my friends, teasing me ..."who's on the phone now? Jie guan? Darren? or Jonathan?....when will you have time for us?"

Though the term tease was used, it hurt me very much everytime it was mentioned. Coming back to CF was something so very beautiful and hopeful in the earlier chapters of it. I remembered the words Shaun and I shared, we're here to assist them. But look at me now, look at where I am, look at where I stand in the midst of them?

My life just seem to fall into pieces as the days go by. That night, it was my worst night. That look of disappointment from my teacher, was all it takes to break that last piece of my heart. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to love, and to make music. I gave my all for a bunch of wanderers, heart brokened, and faithless souls...

But the more I guide, the more I do the work, the more I cared, the more they left it to me, the more I taught, the more they refused to learn, the more I want to show them how I feel, they showed no sense of interest at all in how I feel. It was after all a one man show.

Darren once proposed...... not really once, more than once, to postpone the camp. But the fundamental fact that we all know, is that it will never happen at all if there's no one here anymore at that time....

I don't want any recognition. But I'm just so upset to see why they failed to see how much faith I have in them, how much love I have, how much I have done, and how much it takes to try.

That night I felt really stupid, as honourable as it sounded of being a person of selfless faith, I wished I was selfish after all. Because I'm just taken for granted every night every minute everyday. Nobody would care when its all been said and done, nobody would care what I have lost for their gains. Or if all else fails, what I have lost for their light effort in the importance of this.

I lost the closeness towards my family. I hated to see mom cry for such reasons. I hated to see my sister left alone when she needed me most. I hated to see my grandma not being able to have a quiet dinner with me because I'm so busy on the phone..

I lost my music. I hated to see myself quitting piano. I hated to see my vocal teacher upset with me. I hated myself for not having time to enjoy what I love.

I lost my church. I jump around for work..... where's my true self for God?

I lost my friends....

I lost my grip

I lost everything..................

Is it still worth it?

I don't know.

I just wish they would do something because everything I do is for them for the sake of God.
Where is their self will and the purpose of being a committee in this.

How many times do I have to be broken.....just for the sake of their revival, something not my own but theirs??

Or will it be true that they don't give a damn about God, about me........my family?

Don't say it's up to me...don't say I chose this path, because everything I did, I did it out of love, I gave every ounce of it to all of you, neglecting those loved ones I should be loving instead.

The many times I wanted to walk on them..... something holds me back. The strong desire to leave them is always taken away by something so strong within me, giving me unfailing hope and faith and patience for them.. but when will it happen?


I'm all out of love, because there is nothing left to be said. There is no hope anymore in me, I strive no more, you take control of how much you love Him. If you can't even do this, despite the fact He died for us, then........ I'm sorry.

This feeling she has,

The wounds she carried throughout childhood,

Flesh and blood covered the scars,

Her smile in disguise of her disappointments,

But as night falls,

She sleeps in fear,

In the night's cold without the most important warmth every child needs.



The one who brought her to the world,

The soul who connected hers before birth,

The embrace of seven months,

Interdependence of two lives in one body,

Leaving them both further more apart as the days come by,

Waking every morning with tear stained cheeks.



Her hollow laughter,

Her selfless heart,

The sweetness of her voice,

Tender fingers...

But a pair of slouching shoulders,

Marks the weight of the baggage she carry within her,

Through the days of her life.



The missing piece in the puzzle of her life,

Makes all the difference,

Relieves the chill down her spine,

Everytime she sees others who are joyful,

Holding hand in hand,

Loving so unconditionally,

But as for she,

She received nothing but a road so long a journey,

Where she walked with cuts and bruises,

Where she's left with no hope but only the desperateness,

To see the dim light of her life, come to an end.



I don't know how can I console her weak heart,

How to give her something I myself wished for,

But to only live in disappointments,

And to only dream of hope,

Having faith in a dead end,

Not knowing if that door of that important someone would be opened,

Not knowing if the reality of having shared the same heartbeat with meant something..



Does our breath mean anything to the one who breathed into us?

Our very first few steps,

Our rise and fall,

Nothing else nor anyone mattered as much in both of our lives,

As children,

As a wondering soul,

Wanting nothing but only that love.



Will you know how important you are,

How terrified we get looking through those dark cold eyes,

Not having that warmth from you,

Making me wish I never left your womb,

Because that was the only time you truly loved me,

Steady feet..... not wanting to break me.



I'm broken,

But still hoping,

Because I love you,

I want your love mom,

When will you love me,

Acknowledging me as a part of you...

Because I am nothing without you.

In the confrontation between the stream andthe rock, the stream always wins - notby strength but by perseverance." - H. Jackson Brown

Tonight's the UPM performance. Somehow I really don't want to go for it. It feels far worse than how I felt back when I played the piano for him in Glad Tiding's.

I don't seem to sing like how I would when I perform. Dolce seems to be a whole new meaning to me....... cos I make it sound so cruel. So much for sweetly....

I'm losing grip of my singing again. Mom called me last night, I told her I'm considering burning my vocal exam fees too. She said it's up to me. I know she's upset but I just don't know how else to go about it.

I need to find a way out of this. I'm drowning again...

I hate myself.

Well, I love Shaun!!!! weeeeeeee.... What a way of declaring my love for him. hahaha, shucks. Glad to see most of the things done lately. And D keeping his word for now about working his ass off. :)

My exams!!!! Well, I'm bucking up even more today. Not planning any outings. Just MGT MGT MGT MGT till I surrender myself. (p/s: MGT's Business Studies)

J's sick. Shucks, poor fella. Still calling me and coughing away and staying up. Need to give the bugger a slap to make sure he gets some rest. Mirroring my superwoman stunts is suicidal.

Yup, I walked out of my vocal class again. Well, I'm a person who don't waste any time. Since I don't remember the notes, I'm going home.

I sent my car to the car wash! Ten bucks. Foine, I'm too tired to wash so yea, lucky you people get business from me at 7.45am in the morning. hmph!!

I scolded Gracie yesterday night in public. She caused me a lot of trouble thanks to her absurd lifestyle of meeting up with men. She enjoys being a drama queen faking that she's in trouble and in a state of danger just to find her skimpily dressed and in an intimate position with a boy she's not met for a very long time. She made me drive out all the way and involving Kit Sing since it wasn't safe at such an hour at night, for stupid reasons. Enough is enough girl. Get a grip or get gone. I'm still considering whether I should expose her doings to her mom. I hate it when she uses my name saying I'm hanging out with her when I'm so not. It's unfair, the last time something happened, I got scolded by dad due to Uncle D's phone call complaining that I spend a lot of time with her outside with weird freaks.

I have a reputation, my integrity, not forgetting my dignity. I'm sooooooo at my breaking point with her. She's so vulnerable yet idiotic at times. I don't know what I can do to help her and at this point of time, I don't have the time, energy, effort, and money to do so. I need to aid those who appreciates help and progress from it first.

But I must express my gratitude to Kit Sing being willing to come out at such a short notice and so late at night. As we both know, that boy she met is no lousy "aqua", he ain't good, and it doesn't take a straight A student to notice that.

Well, I attended the UPM final rehearsal today at 7pm. Sad thing is, I seem to have lost my soul to sing for the choir this time. I mean, I knew it was gonna be hectic schedule at this time around but I took it up thinking mom would come watch. But now...... mom ain't coming.

J said he'd come. Promised me a month ago. Then last night he said he wants to go for choir farewell or something. Then D... sigh, he doesn't give me the answer like how he did for Glad Tidings anymore. Bro can't make it since he's moving to Johor soon. So it's just a performance for no purpose. And most ironically, the featured song would be Distant Land........ yeah, darn distant.

Disappointed? Damn right I am. But what can I do about it? I have no rights to force people to do what I want. I can't always have what I want.

I literally mimed my parts. I don't give a damn even if I know the songs. 'Cos I see no purpose anymore.

Ten things I like about you huh, Karen? No probs!!!!

1. You listen to my EVERY STORY. hahahahaha..... especially when I was crying over D and G previously. Thanks!!

2. You are a replica of me now!!! muahahaahah (evillish) We are twins of nutheads who laugh berserkly and insanely and GILA!

3. You teman me go poop in the toilet cos I'm scared. hehe *malu*

4. You force food down my throat despite my misison and vission to be aneroxic like Kate Moss. I still don't know why I don't eat by the way.....sigh

5. You make me sing !!!!!

6. You can't stop talking............ I try so hard to stop you but when you actually do, I'd like some noise. LOL!

7. You are soooo vain!! Just like me.

8. You are in love!! wakakakakkakaa........... I like it when you are. cos you're so....... restless. :P

9. You keep giving me reasons on boys who might like me. Awww.... you make me feel so wanted. wahahahahahaha

10. You are my roomie, through hardships and fun, we are great together. I quote : just the two of us, we can make it if we try~~~

"If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" - John Wooden

My room mate listed down TEN THINGS SHE LIKES ABOUT MAINE.

Please read it on http://oi-spattergroit.blogspot.com

Yes, I'm so vain at this point, but quoting Karen : SO WHAT?

Waakakakakkakakaakakak

I had lunch with a bunch of people I've been really close to lately. B!! ah, it's been so long since I've managed to get a hold of her to actually say a proper greeting. Busy woman she is. I'm looking forward to more lunches with her alone now that her exams are over and done with. Missing those times we shared our stories and *blush* scenes. Hahaha..

As for G, well, I don't really know her yet, but I can see that she's quite a sweet person and can be fun to hang out with. I shall be looking forward for our future lunches as this would turn into a weekly practice from now on.

The night before I called J up. I told him not to force D. It's his choice. Don't bother reminding him nor begging him. Life's not supposed to be like that. I'm glad J listened to me. But when I was at lunch, I did feel a little bit disappointed because D promised that he would not bail out this time.....

It was then D arrived. To be honest, I enjoyed his presence throughout lunch. Very friendly, very himself, very the three months ago person. How long would that last? I don't know, but I can only cherish every moment he's like that. He really made my day.

As for J, it's amazing that he's been taking notes on how I hang out with my friends. But I don't think he can catch up much with it especially money will run out like water. LOL! Good effort though, and sooner or later, things may just turn out to be better than before. I'm pleased to know that he finally understood that its not the other person to be blamed but look at yourself and make that change.

TCL, no idea much about him. But I want to know him. I hope he gives me a chance to. The other two boys who came. Well, frankly, I still can't get their names right, pardon me. But the prefect, he's been going to the library with me and J. He's such a gentleman in everything *blush* hehehehe.... the other boy.... exchanged a few sentences but more to come I hope?

I had a jolly good time even though I got carried away and forgot to eat. The aftermath was a disaster as not eating since my exams gave me a horrible horrible gastric. It wasn't the gastric that hurt as first, till my teacher made me sing with more support from my abdomen, that was .......... !@#$%

hahahaahhaha

How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? ........ My heart churns within Me, My sympathy is stirred... ----- Hosea 11:8


Is there any human feeling more powerful than that of betrayal? Ask a high school girl whose boyfriend has dumped her for a pretty cheerleader. Or tune your radio to a country-western station and listen to the lyrics of infidelity. Or check out the murders reported in the daily newspaper, an amazing number of which trace back to a quarrel with an estranged lover.


In the Old Testament, God through Hosea’s marriage demonstrates in living color exactly what it is like to love someone desperately and get nothing in return. Not even God, with all His power, will force a human being to love Him.

Many people think of God as an impersonal force, something akin to the law of gravity. The book of Hosea portrays almost the opposite: a God of passion and fury and tears and love. A God in mourning over Israel’s rejection of Him (11:8).


God the lover does not desire to share His bride with anyone else. Yet, amazingly, when Israel turned her back on God, He stuck with her. He was willing to suffer, in hope that someday she would return to Him.

Hosea, and later Jesus, prove that God longs not to punish but to love. In fact, He loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us.

I believe this is something I've been trying to explain to those I've been with so much for the past three months..........and I think it's something I've accepted and learnt to appreciate God's love. I understand that love cannot be forcefully implied and the greatest challenge, is to love someone who keeps saying No, who keeps rejecting, who keeps putting you at dead end, who keeps driving you nuts, who doesn't seem to deserve your effort and care and love at all.

I pray that God will continue to give me patience and perseverance as I continue my work.

No, I'm not trying to be God, but I think this verse from the Bible made me know that I'm not entirely stupid hanging on with a bunch of lunatics. Because God made us all in His own creativity, and He must have meant something to have made us in our own ways. And I think it's about time to stop saying sorry for not doing something, but rather, start doing something and take this opportunity to serve Him even though it may seem small or not utterly important.

Everything begins from the first step. If one cannot even tolerate, work it out, strive for a dying society, then I don't think we are worthy enough to be serving at the sanctuary. Because we have made judgement before God can even judge us.

If He could've have faith in us, I don't see why we can't.

Really, stop trying to think you're just a jerk and something's wrong with you. Stop folding your arms across your chest and wait for the outcome to prove that you're correct but rather, work your ass off, hell yeah, work your ass off for Him, even if it doesn't work, your treasures are stored in Heaven. And by right, if you keep thinking about the outcome, you do not have faith in Christ.

I think it's about time I throw this question to you. Are you really concerned about the outcome, or are you concerned about your dignity and ego that may be bruised if all else fails?

I miss my brother,
Bernard,
Because I hate what I've been going through,
So much joy,
Flooded with so much pain,
Disappointments,
And too much expectations,
No, I don't mean that I can tell him everything,
But spending time with my bro can cure a whole lot of these.

I remember he told the boy who kept calling me,
For phony reasons to get a grip,
I remember he stopped many other phony idiots,
I remember how he came up with ideas to fix me and my girlfriend back,
I remember how he took me out for a ride just to cheer me up.

I stay up all the time,
Whenever I know he's coming home,
Because I'm just so tired of my life,
And I just want to be close to my brother,
He may not be there every minute every day,
At least I know he's the one I can call on,
As how I hurt today.

No matter I'm right or wrong,
He takes me into his shelter,
Regardless whether he can provide me the best,
He always does whatever he can,
I just wish I could call him today,
Because I really want to talk to him.

My head hurts so much,
I'm so tired of making everyone happy,
Only to get myself hurt,
I don't know how my world will be,
When my brother leaves even farther,
Then he already have.

I won't know who to call on,
And who to run to then,
The assurance that he's door will always be open,
Will be shut,
For a reason none of us could change,
But the fact that it's the cruelty of the world,
Who insist that we should be apart.

I'm just so upset today,
I'm just so very very upset,
I'm upset with everything and one thing,
I'm upset and I don't know what to do,
And the only person I can think of,
Is my brother.

A friendship taken on another level.

Someone you can trust thoroughly, I can no longer trust,

It's too different when that friend of yours is nothing like how he used to be,

Especially when he thinks he knows everybody when he actually don't,

And even if he says he doesn't take any sides,

But it's plain evidence that he does.

Nothing else can be done when people change,

They just ain't the same anymore,

To only save myself from more hurt and more disappointments,

He's just somebody I once knew and once confided to,

Because I don't think the old body will ever return,

So I learnt.


I was just reading my blog posts from the beginning, brought back so many memories. They'll just remain in the recycle bin. Isn't that what you want?

Supposed to go home today for vocal class at 7pm, but I got a replacement from Ian on Wednesday 6pm instead. So, I've got nothing doing in Seremban till Wednesday.

My first paper is on Wednesday!!! I'm freaking out, and so darn not prepared.

The first thing I'd want to do after I hand up my paper on Wednesday is to go home!!!!!!!!!! Miss my granny.

I worry about her most. I got Mandy to help me take a look see while I'm away. I thought J could help too but I don't think he can anymore. Sigh............

I don't know what else to do! Distance mattered. Money mattered. Granny oh granny... take care of yourself then. I'll be home soon and so sorry for not coming back tonight. She cooked my favourite yong tau foo some more.. *sobs*

Yesterday, three siblings.......me, bro and Jo, we departed from home together. That scenario was a little bit sad. It's funny, to finally realise how growned up we are now. Loading our cars with bags, the evening sunlight shone on us...... saying bye to Granny and locking the doors. Brother will always say : Take care of yourself, and behave! Drive carefully.

Jo and I would say, "bye buntut" to each other..

As we grow older, we'd want to achieve more things. We'd want to go far, but when there are times to think about stuffs, it's family that we miss most.

We got into our cars and departed separate ways. Same highway........... but different exits.

Same family................. but different places.

Especially mom who's now working in Puchong for a month. Conversations with us would be a difficulty as her work is rather demanding.

Michelle, now that she's got herself a new status in life, going through a new phase, won't be seeing much of her I guess.

Geez........ life~~~~