Monday, October 27, 2008

All out of love

I cried my heart out after the UPM performance, because it hurt so much as I watched the soloist take the stage. It wasn't fair. Looking back, how my mom hurt because I literally abandoned the family... how my music just fall apart one after another... how I lost myself, how I forgot everyone but only them. Never will I forget, my friends, teasing me ..."who's on the phone now? Jie guan? Darren? or Jonathan?....when will you have time for us?"

Though the term tease was used, it hurt me very much everytime it was mentioned. Coming back to CF was something so very beautiful and hopeful in the earlier chapters of it. I remembered the words Shaun and I shared, we're here to assist them. But look at me now, look at where I am, look at where I stand in the midst of them?

My life just seem to fall into pieces as the days go by. That night, it was my worst night. That look of disappointment from my teacher, was all it takes to break that last piece of my heart. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to love, and to make music. I gave my all for a bunch of wanderers, heart brokened, and faithless souls...

But the more I guide, the more I do the work, the more I cared, the more they left it to me, the more I taught, the more they refused to learn, the more I want to show them how I feel, they showed no sense of interest at all in how I feel. It was after all a one man show.

Darren once proposed...... not really once, more than once, to postpone the camp. But the fundamental fact that we all know, is that it will never happen at all if there's no one here anymore at that time....

I don't want any recognition. But I'm just so upset to see why they failed to see how much faith I have in them, how much love I have, how much I have done, and how much it takes to try.

That night I felt really stupid, as honourable as it sounded of being a person of selfless faith, I wished I was selfish after all. Because I'm just taken for granted every night every minute everyday. Nobody would care when its all been said and done, nobody would care what I have lost for their gains. Or if all else fails, what I have lost for their light effort in the importance of this.

I lost the closeness towards my family. I hated to see mom cry for such reasons. I hated to see my sister left alone when she needed me most. I hated to see my grandma not being able to have a quiet dinner with me because I'm so busy on the phone..

I lost my music. I hated to see myself quitting piano. I hated to see my vocal teacher upset with me. I hated myself for not having time to enjoy what I love.

I lost my church. I jump around for work..... where's my true self for God?

I lost my friends....

I lost my grip

I lost everything..................

Is it still worth it?

I don't know.

I just wish they would do something because everything I do is for them for the sake of God.
Where is their self will and the purpose of being a committee in this.

How many times do I have to be broken.....just for the sake of their revival, something not my own but theirs??

Or will it be true that they don't give a damn about God, about family?

Don't say it's up to me...don't say I chose this path, because everything I did, I did it out of love, I gave every ounce of it to all of you, neglecting those loved ones I should be loving instead.

The many times I wanted to walk on them..... something holds me back. The strong desire to leave them is always taken away by something so strong within me, giving me unfailing hope and faith and patience for them.. but when will it happen?

I'm all out of love, because there is nothing left to be said. There is no hope anymore in me, I strive no more, you take control of how much you love Him. If you can't even do this, despite the fact He died for us, then........ I'm sorry.

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