Garments

I drove up to PJ again last night feeling rather contented as I've gotten my laundry done from the laundromat's and of course, had some light tong sui before dropping off my boyfriend at NUC..

Went straight to bed after my arrival and the unloading took the last bit of my energy. Till I woke up this morning and was getting ready for class, my mom texted me by saying "Hey did you take your jeans with you, its not here." DING DING DING! I didn't bring a single pair of jeans or anything proper to wear with me to college. @_@

Make shift fashion is what I have to bear with for the rest of the week. Fondling about my Sunday wears and my casual Tees...trying to make something relevant to wear to college. Sigh!

Well, wish me luck that I'd fit into my brother's jeans tonight LOL!

I do, cherish you

I miss you,

I hate the fact that I have to count 6 days till I see you again,

I hate you,

You always seemed OKAY no matter how we are,

I adore you,

The passion you have for God and the things and people you cherish,

I need you,

Every second, everyday,

I breathe you,

Nobody I want but you to wake me in the morns and tuck me in the dark,

I rely on you,

No matter how tough life can be I just need to dial your number,

I tear for you,

Everyday whenever I stare at our picture in my purse,

I smell you,

Of Armani and Romance but most of all.. the aura of love you bring,

I cherish you,

For the joy you gave me and the path to God you encouraged me to come back,

I feel you,

Of every hug and every embrace,

Most of all,

I love you,

Every heartbeat and every rise and fall of my chest,

No matter how far we are, or how many quarrels we have,

I love you.

Heartiness

LOL, first of all I don't even know if there's such word? But what I've gotten to realize lately being in PJ is that, I'm no longer as hearty as I used to during my holidays. I remember the times when I used to be in college for Pre-U, it was hell trying to feed a spoonful of food down my throat. During my holidays, when I met Keith, through dates and outings I gained appetite, and with the outings with friends, I finally understood the joy of eating. It's not the food that mattered, it's not the taste, it's not the price, it's the people you eat with. Now that I'm alone again, I no longer eat as much as could have. The only times I eat well is when my brother and Amelia takes me out or with Kevin, Grace and the rest of the GFS gang... gee @_@

Uni Life

Stepping into this horrible looking building, I ask myself, what am I doing in a Business course? Then I looked beyond and tried figuring other paths that I might have taken if given a second chance. The answer was direct, I wouldn't have chosen another path either ways. The amount of uncertainties in every course brought me to the wisest thinking that is to choose on a course I believe I can survive with in this world...

Moving up to my rented room in PJ wasn't a very nice experience. To me, it was the start of parted commitments my boyfriend and I shared. It was the start of no matter how detailed you plan something, there will always be changes due to difference in geography. No matter how much you want to have your first times in things with your lover, it may not always come true. So yeah, I moved up with my brother, Amelia and Mom.

Packing and unpacking really drained my energy and did nothing to boost up my spirits for another start of 3 years in education...

New friend found

Today I met a new friend. Through all the difficulties I went through trying to find where's my class? Who's my lecturer, where's the staff room, where's the freaking faculty?!!! I met Soon outside of Mr Lim, my head of programmer's office. In desperation I did not have a choice but to ask anyone out there at that time what's next. Having to travel up and down of Seremban, it sucks.

Amazingly, she was an easy person to tag along with. Friendly, and smart, now that I've gotten to know her, she loves Math and Economics. Well, Economics reminds me of Karen, and she's from North side too, Ipoh. Geez.... is this deja vu? KAREN!!! =P

But yeah, we made pretty good friends, and I think we're coming to a point where we might just be able to share anything and everything to each other xD

New Life

We laugh, we joke, we live life. This is yet another breaking point of mine. Sometimes I wonder when the ugly side of the world would end for me. Sometimes I choose to take it up and say it helps me be a better person. Choosing a degree of my second choice, not able to do something that I truly love, it's the same as my mom having to choose between having to continue having a husband and not. We make so many decisions in life, how many decisions out of the many are the ones we truly intended and dreamed for?

I've always wanted to be a musician as a profession. Yet the many obstacles in life make me do things that aren't the always what I wanted. Tears come and go, as I grow older, tears continue to come occasionally as such tonight, but when you dab a Kleenex on your cheek, you ask yourself, what good is there to cry? Then I ask myself, what is the point of blaming others for something I don't get to have rather why don't I choose to live life as it gives me and make the best out of it?

It is easier said than done. Trust me, I know it. What choice do I have? I sit down and ask myself, is Business degree what I want? No. But can I afford music degree? No. Which one gives you higher chances on putting food on the table for your mother? Which one gives higher opportunities to end your mother's misery as fast as you can? At the age of my final teen years, I have to make decisions as though I am already a family person. Life is just getting harder by the day, happiness is by me through and through but it is not the most of it, there are consequences to phase once one is done, all I care is to do what my mother dreams of me to be, and what I can do for her to enjoy a taste of luxury for a final years in life.

It is indeed very difficult for me to love someone, I have managed to do so for now, it has been very difficult for me to forgive someone, I have managed so, it has been very difficult for me to love a choice of career that is not my first love, I pray to God that You will show me how to love it and how to enjoy it for the rest of my life. My prayer remains the same every night, that may God grant my mother a life of enjoyment, and that He may give me the courage to continue the race for my mom till the end...

I am very scared to move to KL, I don't know anyone and so forth, I don't want to be apart from home, I don't know how long mom and grandma would live. I envy those who have both parents and those who can afford whatever they want. I have pulled through so many obstacles, I must say this is one big one that I am about to face.. and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough.

8 days

Sometimes I wonder why do I do this? Why make my life a living hell and rush over one after another task over and over again? Why not just have small dreams that I can achieve with the optimum amount of effort any normal human being would give? But no, I always choose to the extreme...

I find myself often risking through exams and competitions etc, with just limited time and resource. Yes, at times I do succeed, heck, at most times to be frank. But then again, how often would this succession last? I tell myself that I cannot take each task as gamble, as a fate game... because there are people who are relying on me for whatever achievements that I should be getting.

Back to back piano practice for 3 whole weeks without fail is really wearing me out. At times I cry by the piano after throwing my book across the hall and ask myself what a clown am I trying to become? What kind of joke am I trying to do on the exam day knowing there's no way of making my way through Grade Eight and I'm just gonna make the examiner pissed at me and probably mock me. But whenever I think of okay, let's give up now, say bye-bye to ABRSM and just continue with whatever I'm doing...

Then it struck me that I cannot possibly do that because mom paid and still paying RM 300 every month and RM 500 every month for my piano fee and new piano installment. The fact that she worked so hard to pay off my needs...I just know that fail or pass, I gotta keep pushing on.

I struggle for hours daily on the piano...I don't know where am I getting from here... I stay away from everyone to retain focus. I pray to God that He'd continue to show me the way because right now I'm living on thin line faith and I don't even know where to go from here with the exam kicking in within 8 days. Even my piano teacher gave up on me. I rely on nothing but words of comfort from friends and seek peace from God...I only pray I can continue to strive on till July 30th 2.32 pm and not let my mom's little spark hope get to waste. I'm sick of delaying this, altering that, I just want my life to keep going and in completion of all my dreams. No more sacrifices, I need my life back.