He Reigns!

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After months of turmoil and fresh stabs to my heart and soul, I am drawing myself closer to Him each day. Today was yet another day that I managed to have a meal with my Dad. I have no one to thank but the Almighty because it is only with His power that I am able to hang on to the situation and try my level best to salvage what’s left between us. It has not been easy for the past few months with Dad inviting me to meet more often than we had for the past seven years since the divorce.

At first it was extremely difficult with the piece of news that I now know about his new family. I remember running to my Pastor and say, “Pastor, how can he seem to be happier than I am? How can this happen? Did Jesus bless him with kids? But that was his mistress that hurt me and mom!”

I remember my Pastor gave me the diplomatic answer any pastor would have. “We never know what God has planned/in mind” I carried with me that sentence throughout the few months crying and trying to hide the news from Mom. Mom now knows but I know she hasn’t seen past what I have now.

I take the opportunity to thank God each time I have a successful meet up with Dad. It has never been easy, some times past hurts strike me so bad that I’d stop at the side of the road just blank. I guess when the divorce was fresh, I never had the time to stop to let emotions hit me and now I am paying the debts for it.

Just when I thought I was full of hurt and anger, I find each meet up to be more peaceful as the ones before. My Dad for the first time has begin to text me ending with ,”Love you”. I never had the thought of saying it back but I do hope some day I would. For now, I enjoy every piece of life together that we have missed. I know some people may feel like I have accepted his new family and his faults, it’s not entirely so. I now understand that God is asking me to look at him as my father, the one who has been my Earthly father and nothing else.

I remember reading a novel by Jodi Picoult on Mercy, I’d like to quote a passage here:

“She looked down. Somewhere, under their spread hands, was a stain. But as things stood, Cam was right. From this angle it could not be seen”

In short, the wife was trying to decide whether or not to accept her husband again after adultery. He stained a glass with grape juice and she tried very hard to remove it. But together they covered it so that at an angle it would not be seen.

I love my Mom, and I understand what she’s been through. But as a child, I have decided to face the Commandments I have learnt throughout Sunday School, “Honour your father and mother”

With the example on grape juice-stained-glass, I believe this is how God sees us past our sins. I’m not saying that He has forgiven Dad, that’s up to them to settle, but as for me, I now see the King of Glory, and the love of God is now my calling. I have decided to let go this burden that I am holding no matter how difficult this road to recovery will be, I choose to surrender to Him. I pray in due time, He will open my eyes further to see that marriage is a blessing, and whatever happens down the road is all crafted by His hands.

Each meet up with Dad, I thank Him again for giving me this opportunity before it’s too late.

I am truly inspired by this song, You Reign by Hillsong. I’d like to quote some parts of the lyrics here:

“What was Your last thought, as You drew Your last breath, where the victory was Yours for us to see”

Till Jesus’ last breath, He thought of love, I’d like to continue to grow on this seed of love in me, I am so tired of all the self-battles and torments. I want to live to see Him reigning over us! I want His Love to be my calling.

I hope when times get rough, I’d remind myself with this post and to continue to march forward! I pray that some day, all my open wounds would be stitched up entirely.