Monday, July 16, 2012

Missing Piece

Sometimes I wonder why we clicked. Z and I are two very different people. Unfortunately, two things in common, egoistic and short tempered. I remembered our first few months of relationship we’d quarrel endlessly, but then again, those were one of my best memories with each other.

I love how we’ve both come this far. Three years down this road had not been easy. Here’s a tip, don’t threaten to end it. You’ll hurt each other more than you thought you have.  That’s something we both agreed not to do to each other. We are pretty comfortable where we are right now; close friends may even laugh and pass us off as old married couple.

What I miss most are those times we strive to make memories as if it was just us against the world. I miss the times we spent in Nilai walking down the lane to that roadside Economy Rice stall or that time we spent making recordings and laughing at each other.

Some claim that I am young and I expect all these petty things out of a relationship. To me, these are the things I’d like to carry with me as we share our mugs of coffee in a rocking chair when our kids have their own kids and all we have left to do, is to sit back and watch the sun go down.

A friend asked me if my current boyfriend is for real. I asked her, "What do you mean for real?" and she replied, "Someone you've decided to walk down the aisle with?" I smiled and shrugged, "Hah, we'll see what happens I guess?"

When I was in Primary School, I attended piano lessons and my teacher had always had a mug which she keeps her pencils on the table, I managed to find a picture of it. Believe it or not, I always stared at the words when I was forced to focus on my Theory homework. In due time, I actually lived it.

After so many years, and of course a year of hurt and complicated past relationship, I've learnt to lower my expectations in relationships. Often reflecting Mom and Dad, I never dared to hope. Guess that's why I never dared to hope anything out of us but to only pray and ask God to tell me what's next. I truly feel free writing about it here! :P Simply because he doesn't read my blog nor have a link to it! :P Guess I never dared to give it to him nor did I think that he would be interested. 

So after that day, I asked myself what is he in my life?

I want to be that missing piece in his life and I pray that he is the missing piece in mine. I dare hope I find someone that looks forward to snoozing that alarm clock with me and does whatever it takes to make the other person happy. I am very grateful to have this not-so-easy-to-please man in my life, because somehow he balances my world again. I'm definitely not an easy pleasing person as well!  Despite all the compromise we make for each other, we make it work. Not forgetting the few huge "hurricanes" we encountered with each other and we strive past it. 

What I pray now is that we strive for more memories ahead as we embark on the 4th year together. I want this jigsaw puzzle to be more than just a thousand pieces but so much that it contains a lifetime of story and that we hold the missing piece to each other.

Truly touched by David Choi’s original music, Missing Piece tonight. Have you found your missing piece? How do you know if they are the one? =)


Sunday, July 15, 2012

He Reigns!

Christian WallPaper.Com

After months of turmoil and fresh stabs to my heart and soul, I am drawing myself closer to Him each day. Today was yet another day that I managed to have a meal with my Dad. I have no one to thank but the Almighty because it is only with His power that I am able to hang on to the situation and try my level best to salvage what’s left between us. It has not been easy for the past few months with Dad inviting me to meet more often than we had for the past seven years since the divorce.

At first it was extremely difficult with the piece of news that I now know about his new family. I remember running to my Pastor and say, “Pastor, how can he seem to be happier than I am? How can this happen? Did Jesus bless him with kids? But that was his mistress that hurt me and mom!”

I remember my Pastor gave me the diplomatic answer any pastor would have. “We never know what God has planned/in mind” I carried with me that sentence throughout the few months crying and trying to hide the news from Mom. Mom now knows but I know she hasn’t seen past what I have now.

I take the opportunity to thank God each time I have a successful meet up with Dad. It has never been easy, some times past hurts strike me so bad that I’d stop at the side of the road just blank. I guess when the divorce was fresh, I never had the time to stop to let emotions hit me and now I am paying the debts for it.

Just when I thought I was full of hurt and anger, I find each meet up to be more peaceful as the ones before. My Dad for the first time has begin to text me ending with ,”Love you”. I never had the thought of saying it back but I do hope some day I would. For now, I enjoy every piece of life together that we have missed. I know some people may feel like I have accepted his new family and his faults, it’s not entirely so. I now understand that God is asking me to look at him as my father, the one who has been my Earthly father and nothing else.

I remember reading a novel by Jodi Picoult on Mercy, I’d like to quote a passage here:

“She looked down. Somewhere, under their spread hands, was a stain. But as things stood, Cam was right. From this angle it could not be seen”

In short, the wife was trying to decide whether or not to accept her husband again after adultery. He stained a glass with grape juice and she tried very hard to remove it. But together they covered it so that at an angle it would not be seen.

I love my Mom, and I understand what she’s been through. But as a child, I have decided to face the Commandments I have learnt throughout Sunday School, “Honour your father and mother”

With the example on grape juice-stained-glass, I believe this is how God sees us past our sins. I’m not saying that He has forgiven Dad, that’s up to them to settle, but as for me, I now see the King of Glory, and the love of God is now my calling. I have decided to let go this burden that I am holding no matter how difficult this road to recovery will be, I choose to surrender to Him. I pray in due time, He will open my eyes further to see that marriage is a blessing, and whatever happens down the road is all crafted by His hands.

Each meet up with Dad, I thank Him again for giving me this opportunity before it’s too late.

I am truly inspired by this song, You Reign by Hillsong. I’d like to quote some parts of the lyrics here:

“What was Your last thought, as You drew Your last breath, where the victory was Yours for us to see”

Till Jesus’ last breath, He thought of love, I’d like to continue to grow on this seed of love in me, I am so tired of all the self-battles and torments. I want to live to see Him reigning over us! I want His Love to be my calling.

I hope when times get rough, I’d remind myself with this post and to continue to march forward! I pray that some day, all my open wounds would be stitched up entirely.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Dry Season

I'd never miss a chance of a good cuppa and a good book and some peace and quiet =)

My holidays are finally coming to an end. I truly fear the amount of workload and stress that I am about to face. At least back when I was working as an intern, I always had my brother to help me cover up my butt whenever I screw up. But this, this is gambling with my grades. There’s no turning point, no extra mile that you can choose to take to pay back for the lost grades. It’s now or nothing. My semesters are all 5-6 months long, I try my very best to balance it all between church, family, friends and of course Z. It’s never been easy, but I don’t want to give up either one.

My church is currently going through a season. People are coming and going and of course, being in the worship team, it has never been easy. I’m always inspired by Z, how he cares so much for the church and makes sure he serves as many times as he can. Sometimes I worry for him, he’s like this never ending battery that just keeps going no matter what happens. I remember coming to this church the first time when we first started dating, I really couldn’t see what he sees in the church. Surprisingly in due time, the bond with the church just grew on me. I remembered that at first, I told myself, I wanted to go to this church because that’s where Z would be, and if we were to ever get married, I want my submission to him begin now, not later. At least I can get used to it, you know?

Now it’s all me, Z has made me see that going to church as a couple don’t mean much unless you’re married. God still sees us as an individual. I begin to serve, and I begin to get involve, I wanted to understand what was so interesting. After getting to know the people here, I truly fell in love. It no longer meant this is my boyfriend’s church. But this is MY church too.

I do feel tired, traveling up and down every weekend and juggling visits to my hometown in Seremban. But I believe the dry season is about to come to an end if we persevere and march on in the Light of God. I believe that a new bud is about to blossom into a beautiful garden. I pray that as my semester begin, my fire to serve will not die down. Sometimes after staying up till the wee hours in the morning, I often struggle to get out of bed and act all childish whenever it’s time to get dressed to leave. I mean hello! I slept at 4am and I get up at 6am?! Z would always just answer me, “It’s up to you, but I don’t want to be late for practice”

Sometimes it ticks me off seeing him getting all punctual LOL! But it’s now coming to an end of my third year here, getting myself out of bed, serving with him having faith in him as well as having faith in the Him that is going to bless the land of Banting! Amen!

On a very personal note, I fall in love with Z every time I watch him serve along with me, I don’t know why, but I did ask for a man who loves Him as much as I do. And I am glad I am in this church with him. 

I believe we are all coheirs with Christ and we can stomp through any battle through His strength, the more I feel weakened, the more I charge forward. I used to think of convenience, and easy routes, but I know I've been called onto places to serve or contribute in whatever means I am capable of. How do I know this? Because the joy I receive afterwards makes it all worthwhile...

Just want to encourage you guys to check out the song Break Every Chain, and yes, through His Name, we can do all things!