Its tonight that I decided to blog again..too much confusion to pull through and too much to think. I've struggled through an entire semester of this business programme in KDU, and truth be told, I suck at it and I can't help hating it as the day goes by. I have great friends in class, Soony, Jeff and the gang... funky people not to mention helpful too..I won't forget the day I frantically parked my car at the college entrance just to rush in to pass up my assignment and Jeff rushing out just to repark it for me. LOL...

As the days go by, I dreaded to go to class, I became more depressed, and soon I hated to go out of my room, all I wanted was to sleep and gloom in depressing songs on my playlist. I needed a change, I never knew I needed one till I was down with high fever and was suspected for dengue last 2 weeks, when my sister Jo was with me, so much for having fun with me in PJ, she ended up nursing me all night for a week. It was one of those evenings that she told me, "Maine, stop lying to yourself, this is not your kinda thing and you know it, look at you, juggling business and music, not sleeping, not resting and not even living a human being's life.......when will you acting that you are okay?"

I'm not. But what choice do I have? All my life my priority is to provide for mom. I have always pushed everything and everyone I ever loved and adored aside for the family's sake. I thought that was my destiny. Till then I realised, I really cannot cope with this course. I don't understand anything at all and constantly relied on Soony to help me with it....

I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I decided to go for Mass Comm... so I made a mistake in my choice the first time, why dad, why? Why do you always have to give me hell? I'm the only one who still loves you, the only one who never cast you out of my phonebook....the only one who still respects you....sigh

I drove home after my procedures at college, with all the financial aids I need to attempt in hope for some aid, I needed a break, I drove to a nearby mamak stall for roti pisang...of all days, they didn't have any today. I wondered on the streets for half an hour, and ended up buying 9 ice cream, went home shoved them in the freezer and took a nap. I got downstairs and realised the maid chose today to clear out the freezer and melted all my ice creams. That's it people, I don't have anyone to share my joy and pains with here in PJ, haven't you gotten enough of me?

Keith,Soony and Jeff tried to console me online and via cell..can't help it babe, you are such a nice friend, the only one who sticks with me in this course..or rather I stick with you..LOL...and Jeff, you're a funky man :P and I ain't gonna call you "kor kor" Baby...thanks for being there even though you are trying very hard to enjoy your hols and get out of this sickening depressed mode of mine LOL..

Karen...thanks for being there to the tip top max... you are always the one searching and researching to make my life easier and help me through storms...love you =)

I was just drifting into LA LA land while sitting in the dining area just now, I started sobbing, I told myself, I quote Kevin Quah, "I refuse to cry" but some things are easier said than done...

I drove up to PJ again last night feeling rather contented as I've gotten my laundry done from the laundromat's and of course, had some light tong sui before dropping off my boyfriend at NUC..

Went straight to bed after my arrival and the unloading took the last bit of my energy. Till I woke up this morning and was getting ready for class, my mom texted me by saying "Hey did you take your jeans with you, its not here." DING DING DING! I didn't bring a single pair of jeans or anything proper to wear with me to college. @_@

Make shift fashion is what I have to bear with for the rest of the week. Fondling about my Sunday wears and my casual Tees...trying to make something relevant to wear to college. Sigh!

Well, wish me luck that I'd fit into my brother's jeans tonight LOL!

I miss you,

I hate the fact that I have to count 6 days till I see you again,

I hate you,

You always seemed OKAY no matter how we are,

I adore you,

The passion you have for God and the things and people you cherish,

I need you,

Every second, everyday,

I breathe you,

Nobody I want but you to wake me in the morns and tuck me in the dark,

I rely on you,

No matter how tough life can be I just need to dial your number,

I tear for you,

Everyday whenever I stare at our picture in my purse,

I smell you,

Of Armani and Romance but most of all.. the aura of love you bring,

I cherish you,

For the joy you gave me and the path to God you encouraged me to come back,

I feel you,

Of every hug and every embrace,

Most of all,

I love you,

Every heartbeat and every rise and fall of my chest,

No matter how far we are, or how many quarrels we have,

I love you.

LOL, first of all I don't even know if there's such word? But what I've gotten to realize lately being in PJ is that, I'm no longer as hearty as I used to during my holidays. I remember the times when I used to be in college for Pre-U, it was hell trying to feed a spoonful of food down my throat. During my holidays, when I met Keith, through dates and outings I gained appetite, and with the outings with friends, I finally understood the joy of eating. It's not the food that mattered, it's not the taste, it's not the price, it's the people you eat with. Now that I'm alone again, I no longer eat as much as could have. The only times I eat well is when my brother and Amelia takes me out or with Kevin, Grace and the rest of the GFS gang... gee @_@

Stepping into this horrible looking building, I ask myself, what am I doing in a Business course? Then I looked beyond and tried figuring other paths that I might have taken if given a second chance. The answer was direct, I wouldn't have chosen another path either ways. The amount of uncertainties in every course brought me to the wisest thinking that is to choose on a course I believe I can survive with in this world...

Moving up to my rented room in PJ wasn't a very nice experience. To me, it was the start of parted commitments my boyfriend and I shared. It was the start of no matter how detailed you plan something, there will always be changes due to difference in geography. No matter how much you want to have your first times in things with your lover, it may not always come true. So yeah, I moved up with my brother, Amelia and Mom.

Packing and unpacking really drained my energy and did nothing to boost up my spirits for another start of 3 years in education...

Today I met a new friend. Through all the difficulties I went through trying to find where's my class? Who's my lecturer, where's the staff room, where's the freaking faculty?!!! I met Soon outside of Mr Lim, my head of programmer's office. In desperation I did not have a choice but to ask anyone out there at that time what's next. Having to travel up and down of Seremban, it sucks.

Amazingly, she was an easy person to tag along with. Friendly, and smart, now that I've gotten to know her, she loves Math and Economics. Well, Economics reminds me of Karen, and she's from North side too, Ipoh. Geez.... is this deja vu? KAREN!!! =P

But yeah, we made pretty good friends, and I think we're coming to a point where we might just be able to share anything and everything to each other xD

We laugh, we joke, we live life. This is yet another breaking point of mine. Sometimes I wonder when the ugly side of the world would end for me. Sometimes I choose to take it up and say it helps me be a better person. Choosing a degree of my second choice, not able to do something that I truly love, it's the same as my mom having to choose between having to continue having a husband and not. We make so many decisions in life, how many decisions out of the many are the ones we truly intended and dreamed for?

I've always wanted to be a musician as a profession. Yet the many obstacles in life make me do things that aren't the always what I wanted. Tears come and go, as I grow older, tears continue to come occasionally as such tonight, but when you dab a Kleenex on your cheek, you ask yourself, what good is there to cry? Then I ask myself, what is the point of blaming others for something I don't get to have rather why don't I choose to live life as it gives me and make the best out of it?

It is easier said than done. Trust me, I know it. What choice do I have? I sit down and ask myself, is Business degree what I want? No. But can I afford music degree? No. Which one gives you higher chances on putting food on the table for your mother? Which one gives higher opportunities to end your mother's misery as fast as you can? At the age of my final teen years, I have to make decisions as though I am already a family person. Life is just getting harder by the day, happiness is by me through and through but it is not the most of it, there are consequences to phase once one is done, all I care is to do what my mother dreams of me to be, and what I can do for her to enjoy a taste of luxury for a final years in life.

It is indeed very difficult for me to love someone, I have managed to do so for now, it has been very difficult for me to forgive someone, I have managed so, it has been very difficult for me to love a choice of career that is not my first love, I pray to God that You will show me how to love it and how to enjoy it for the rest of my life. My prayer remains the same every night, that may God grant my mother a life of enjoyment, and that He may give me the courage to continue the race for my mom till the end...

I am very scared to move to KL, I don't know anyone and so forth, I don't want to be apart from home, I don't know how long mom and grandma would live. I envy those who have both parents and those who can afford whatever they want. I have pulled through so many obstacles, I must say this is one big one that I am about to face.. and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough.

Sometimes I wonder why do I do this? Why make my life a living hell and rush over one after another task over and over again? Why not just have small dreams that I can achieve with the optimum amount of effort any normal human being would give? But no, I always choose to the extreme...

I find myself often risking through exams and competitions etc, with just limited time and resource. Yes, at times I do succeed, heck, at most times to be frank. But then again, how often would this succession last? I tell myself that I cannot take each task as gamble, as a fate game... because there are people who are relying on me for whatever achievements that I should be getting.

Back to back piano practice for 3 whole weeks without fail is really wearing me out. At times I cry by the piano after throwing my book across the hall and ask myself what a clown am I trying to become? What kind of joke am I trying to do on the exam day knowing there's no way of making my way through Grade Eight and I'm just gonna make the examiner pissed at me and probably mock me. But whenever I think of okay, let's give up now, say bye-bye to ABRSM and just continue with whatever I'm doing...

Then it struck me that I cannot possibly do that because mom paid and still paying RM 300 every month and RM 500 every month for my piano fee and new piano installment. The fact that she worked so hard to pay off my needs...I just know that fail or pass, I gotta keep pushing on.

I struggle for hours daily on the piano...I don't know where am I getting from here... I stay away from everyone to retain focus. I pray to God that He'd continue to show me the way because right now I'm living on thin line faith and I don't even know where to go from here with the exam kicking in within 8 days. Even my piano teacher gave up on me. I rely on nothing but words of comfort from friends and seek peace from God...I only pray I can continue to strive on till July 30th 2.32 pm and not let my mom's little spark hope get to waste. I'm sick of delaying this, altering that, I just want my life to keep going and in completion of all my dreams. No more sacrifices, I need my life back.

Everybody's changed. Frankly, I thought whatever we did last year would make a difference, and things would be better this year. Yet, things are like worse than before. I'm 19, and I'm older by 2 years. Sometimes when D greets me in the morning with the blunt, "what are you doing here" hurts me. I do understand that he meant that out of care but its just a little piercing sometimes. Now that I'm about to leave school, problems just rise and it creates a very upsetting moment for me to be leaving school. It's just so painful to see that whatever I've tried to do with them last year did not make a slight difference at all and despite of that it deteriorated the situation.

How much do they want this? Again I ask, why is serving Him different within school compound and the church you individually attend to? What if He was different that way too? Wouldn't we all have doubts in Him too? To those who battled with me last year, now that she's not exposed the full truth about what took place, have you no dignity for yourself and for those who fought with you to explain to the innocent minds about what TRULY happened?

I know CF has changed my whole life thoroughly and forever. In fact, it has changed me more than how going to church on Sundays has. I believe, I've learnt to be a better person ever since. But to watch them making a fool out of this CF hurts me so much. Do they not regret when they finally leave school? That they have done nothing but to disappoint the Almighty? Have they REALLY put in enough effort to try to make a change? Is that the best they can come up with?

I'm not saying that I am very eligible person and a person who always excel. I've had my falls too. In fact D is one of them who had been through my period of failure and depression. This is the same thing that has happened to the CF, aren't you going to stand up and do something about it? Is rebellion really something necessary? For mere past vengeance and her misunderstandings that has led to this? Is this true? Or is there more to it? Then why don't you guys make her see what we saw, or are you telling me YOU DID NOT SEE WHAT I HAD INTENDED FOR YOU LAST YEAR?

Holding a position so high up, reminds me of the priests in the temple in the Bible. Are you mere statues? Or are you going to use that authority God has given you based on Luke 10:19? Or you enjoy the fame and doing nothing? Isn't it time to see this CF grow? See that LOVE PAYS WITH HOPE? Isn't it time for you to reach out to those who need you the most? That listening ear that once we gave each other last year? What has happened to that bond? What has happened to unity? What has happened to doing stunts together?

I don't want to see the teacher like this. I don't want to see everyone moving like snails. I don't want to see us not being on front line to fight for Him. Why should we fight among ourselves?? But then again, this is WHAT I SEE, WHAT I WANT, and I am not the DIRECT contact of the current CF... I prayed so hard, pleaded to God to show them the way or tell me what is it that I can do...but I'm just so lost.

Dear Father, I really want this Seremban to have a revival among the youths. They are the hope of our generation. Lord, I pray that you would open the eyes of their heart and let them experience your pain, and let them know what you want them to do...and Lord, if there's anything you want me to do, I'd do it for you,Amen

I hate tears,
Tears are like the most painful thing in the world,
I teared so much that it hurt to tear more,
My eyes are swollen,
My thoughts are blue,
I lie in bed all day,
Hoping there would be a way,
It's just so painful,
But the tears just keep coming,
Flowing rivers streaming down,
Endlessly, bitterly,
My hands bruise from my clenching and unclenching,
My body shiver every time I recall the pain,
My tongue is scald without the need for heat,
My soul is dead and cold,
Rivers of tears would soon turn into blood

The days drag on miserably.
I'm in so much pain,
Though I'm not wounded,
I wonder why am I so depressed,
A type of life that does not resemble me,
I heart for joy and happiness,
But it seems too far out of my reach,
Don't know why you didn't come,
Don't know why it is not mine to own...

I wish I knew how you feel, I wonder if you know how I'm feeling too. The times we shared is what I recall. I don't know what made everything go wrong that we barely spoke nor kept in touch. I tried, I called and I text. Coming up with the lamest and silliest questions I could ever think of just to hope to hear your voice or to have my phone buzzing with your text message. You used to care so much even when we quarreled you'd call me back endless times begging me to hear. We used to stay up together to complete our revision even though we were miles apart. I got so comfortable with you that you're the first person on my mind every time I have something to share. Your care used to be so warming that it would last me for days. Now we barely smile, we barely talk what more hug?

Having you away and being inconsistent puts an ache on my nerves. Then when we finally meet, the pain being there far too long explodes the moment I set my eyes on you. I wonder if you ever do notice me around. Maybe you would when I'm gone. Every night I struggle to do what we both promised we would do at 11pm. Every time I pray I feel so alone not knowing if the commitment still exists. You said you carried my letters everywhere, I wish I had one too. These days we quarreled so much I feel cold when I'm with you... you've not hugged me for close to two months and seeing you these days you're like a total stranger I don't know how to respond.

The last message you text me was for work. Correct me if I'm wrong because I feel that I'm nothing but work whenever we come together. Is it true that because they don't understand us and stopped us makes you feel that it is logical for you to stop too? What about me? How would I feel? Sometimes I wonder if you would ever realize. I wish you knew how much I missed you, I wish you would be there for me as you've always been. Sitting at the corner of the room reminds me of how warm it was when you were here. I wonder by the time you really have time to think of me, where would we be on this face of the earth?

You used to accompany me till I fall asleep...now you're the reason why I can't bear to shut my lids at night...

I'm really happy with my music progress. Yesterday I sat down and just put myself in the position picturing I am performing with 3 other bandmates to sing Lion Sleeps Tonight. Just a blank paper and mechanical pencil infront of me and walahh.. I got it! I'm so happy... the pictures that ran across my minds were confusing... A bar... drunkards... girl strolling at the garden whistling.. mother singing to the baby.. a girl fearing to love again..it's just all it.. :D

"Hust my darling" reminds me when mom used to calm me down when I cried over G in the middle of the night... ".....don't fear my darling" tells me that everything's gonna be alright. Believe it or not, I wrote whatever I felt... and how my lifestyle is.. especially the "awimmoweh" resembles my busy schedule..on going never ending... and after the choir, it marks an end of my not letting go... "ahhhhhhhh (soprano) " my life slows down to a paceful tempo.. where normal human beings could breathe in.

Many many reasons why I came back for the choir. Guess that's just me... not wanting to see the cf fall...not wanting to see anyone disappointed, stuff like that. But this time, my coming back, I'm happier. I had cooperative people. They are more humane, and I enjoy my work, really. The challenges of music, voice difficulties... obstacles of coordination. It feels like paradise whenever I work with so many voices.

Exams are nearing, and their competition too. Everything marks an end... everything is about to end. My life is about to end. I told my sis that we both ought to go on a vacation after my exams. I confessed to her that I may be strong and tough but losing him has been haunting me ever since he left. My life is a drama and it's not OK to pretend I'm OK all the time. So yeah she's taking me to Langkawi after my exams. She understands me best cos she's been hurt the same way at the same time too. But she's found her new love. Mine's yet to come. A new life is going to begin very soon... I don't want to forget those who are involved in my current life, especially D, J, and many others... I just want to forget the painful past and be able to admit that "the lion sleeps tonight" and will never wake again.

No it's not okay,
I cannot be a fool,
Please do not make me call you again,
It torments me even more,
I am recovering very well,
So hush my darling,
Don't remind me darling,
That you are not my baby.

Don't strum that guitar,
Don't hum a single tune to me,
What's not for work,
Lay it off far from me,
Leave, get out,
All you memories,
All the things you said,
Promises you broke.

Yes, my license is expiring,
And I can't wait for it to expire,
Before my feelings for you aspire,
For that will be another dread to pay,
I wanted so much out of us,
That made me still remain at where I am now in life,
Tried to move on but still standing here.

So go find your new love,
May it blossom well,
I only want you to be happy,
But please do not torment me,
I am nothing but someone whom you mistrust,
I want nothing but my own life back,
And only hope for pure love to return someday.

You make things so hard for me,
Some days you are just so close,
Other days you are just like everybody else,
I adore you a great deal,
But I'm just so sick of trying,
It's always me disappointing you than making you proud.

It's not that I do not understand your theories,
It's just that I'm too tired to practice it,
Whenever that happens you tell me to leave,
So what if I want to take my own sweet time to learn,
I'm just a man with two hands and feet,
I get tired too,
Just like you.

You keep asking me why,
You demand for an explanation for every failing attempt,
You said I do not require your approval,
But you sure as hell act like one,
It's not that I don't have proper support to sing all ten notes,
In fact, I can sing 20 or more,
But do you really want to know why I cannot?

It's the thought of worrying whether each note suits your liking,
Whether it is with enough support as required by you,
Is it with enough melody to that one particular note as how you like to hear,
Your thoughts,
Your liking,
Your comments,
Your decisions,
That's what's been affecting me lately.

So don't tell me I don't need your approval,
Because I've been worrying,
And pushing myself hard for your demands,
Trying to fulfill each and every of your command,
Learning not to say no to whatever you want,
In hope to get your nods more than you disapprove,
I'm just doing what I thought you would want to see,
Now I don't know what am I doing,
Nor what you would want to see,
So tell me how can I even sing a single note without knowing its purpose or path?

We celebrated earth hour at the Lake Gardens. Just the few of us, gathering about in a circle lighting up candles and making jokes out of nothing. The starving ones were munching away on the take away A&W orders. Seeping in the night's breeze I somehow felt that it was gonna be a great night...

After lighting up the candles, we snapped several photos of each other for remembrance. Then sitting down again, I suddenly suggested that we ought to play truth or dare. We spinned the lighter each time the question is announced.

It was then Vincent's turn to come up with a question and he asked. "Who was it that you passionately kissed before this" Darn, the lighter shot at me.

Gripping my wits, I honestly admitted that I only kissed one person and that person was Guy.

Alright, so the next question went on and on and on... till Joyce came up with a question, "What's the biggest decision you have made" Somehow we all agreed to answer it together.

When it was my turn, it's as though reality hit me. That is to finally realise and admit that the biggest decision made in my life was him after all. "That is to wake up the next morning and to know that my ex is never going to love me again"

Somewhat a moment of realization that despite the many months of hardwork, spooning myself with more workload and not allowing myself to stop, its just then I had the courage to gather my wits to not only tell my friends he's gone...but also to myself that he's gone.

Xy said I was rather sporting to be able to answer those questions. But to me, its not about being a sport in such situations..It's about me waking up from torturing myself in a daze, in a dream, a fantasy not wanting to allow myself to adapt to the new chapter of life without him.

Seeing him these days makes no impact on me, but sometimes I do wonder what if things were different back then... But then again, with only 3 weeks left for me to be in school and complete my mission, I couldn't care anymore. Life's starting to shine for me, and if he truly loved me before, he would've trusted me despite words of others and be with me till now.

The game got more intimate, we started answering questions that were rather kept to ourselves... but it was nice. We got to understand each other even better and know what we've gone through though we may not speak of it much. Earth Hour tonight was the best thing that's happened though many of us didn't really want to go at first.

To Anna, XinYi, Azlin, Vincent and Joyce, it was a great night. It wasn't just switching off our switches for an hour, but rather we gained an hour of understanding and friendship enrichment.

As the candles lit to its very core, we stared at the lake together in one accord and know that nothing beats our friendship despite how difficult life may get.

I did not sleep for a night on Thursday. How can I after that horrible argument? It was seriously poop. Took up half my focus which led me to force myself to stare straight into my law notes for my exam. Friday morning looking at my law paper and I was like @.@ but I did what I could. Answered it as fast as I could and got the heck to choir.

After sending them to where the place of camp were to be, I headed off to find a spot to nap. Couldn't drive no more, too risky. Sadly, I couldn't sleep. My mind was just too jammed up with everything. Xy text me and asked me out to pasar malam. On my way to her place, I started trembling and I took the short cut, you know the one near STM? yeah... so many humps and I kinda lost control there for abit. Got to her place and we headed off to pasar malam. While we were strolling, I started sweating like a sick puppy. Didn't buy much though, didn't feel like eating anything.

Xy and I headed to this Chinese shop we always go to. I had some satay, ah, finally some food in my tummy. Headed home and I sprawled in bed till today morning. Got up to prepare to start on my assignment but, after my bath I felt horrible, took a pill and went to bed. Gosh, I was shivering like mad. Slept for about four hours? Getting up and falling off again and again...

Came down after awhile, thats when mom was like pretty upset. She said, "I watched you last night when I came over to take your books and things away from your face, your lips were blue, you looked dead, what on earth happen to you?"

I can't say anything now can I? Accept looked at her @.@

She left the room saying, "I regretted giving you that nude lipstick, cos I thought that was your real lip color all along till last night"

Sweat........ why was she upset for? I didn't know I was sick till then... =.=

Today's choir practice wasn't that smooth. I couldn't play the songs impromptu. I didn't expect to be a stand in pianist. But I was really impressed by Peggy. She woke up late yet she rushed the heck out of her life and got to the meeting. Peggy, if you're ever reading this, you're the best! I've never met a leader like you. :)

After choir was over, I was really drained, and still am actually. I've not slept since yesterday from 5am till now its nearing today's two pm. I moved into my room last night, I think I need to spend a few nights alone to just be with myself. I asked Ying kuan and Pauline whether they know how to get to where they had to go, they looked so blurr. Gawd, how can they even let two poor young girls figure their way like that? But I had fun sending them to their destination, they are very nice people.

This morning I drove off to college without sleep. I guess I really slept off at one point while driving, cos the next thing I knew the truck opposite of me was flashing his lights and honk the heck out of me. Then after that its as thought I didn't know what was brakelight? Cos the car in front was stopping and I kept going. geez.....

After dropping the two babes off, I was washed out entirely. I parked my car and I remember what they said "Remember to eat! To save your hair!" LOL!! Reminds me of my ex room mate.. "Kate moss!! Eat ah!" but these days, I prefer to be hungry. I'm not a lunatic, I mean it... I know when I'm depressed and when I need help. But for now, I'm okay with it. It keeps me alive.

They used to wander,
Trying to make everything better for those in need,
Didn't know it would be thought by others,
That these eyes are in their way,
These eyes are stopping them,
These eyes are creating hate...

I met you today,
I'm done with pretending,
My throat burnt struggling to make a sound,
I stared throughout the night yesterday,
My lenses fitted me with piercing pain,
They are all red and painful,
Their master forcefully irrigating their nerves,
But no one's going to know,
When you look into my eyes now,
Cos you wont see anything,
And I wont let you see anything

She said we'd patch up,
The other she said I should've released my anger physically,
He said he doesn't know,
He said, she said,
But I said,
I don't know what you want,
And I will never know,
Because you think of me otherwise,
Before we could even communicate,
So I chose to leave,
Virtually,
Eventually,
Physically...

But no one would have a glimpse at those eyes again.

As I stared at my empty tissue box,
And as I read his messages,
It's just so hard to make him understand,
What I really felt,
I walked out of his home,
Being all so subdued and so numb,
Yet when I got home I wanted to give it another try,
I wanted to fix the problem and not let it be at stall.

But you cut me off before I could say anything,
You don't even know what am I upset about,
You won't take a minute and read what I wrote,
I only begged you to stop giving me itsy bitsy promises,
Which I would hold on as tight as possible,
I never said you were a fool,
A fool I am for trying to patch things up,
As it leaves me lying in my own pool of tears.

Never did I compare you with others,
You thought I did all the time,
If I was so great, then who is the Almighty to compare,
But tonight will be the night that I know how you felt about me,
Tonight is the night I ever cried till dawn for being misunderstood yet again,
It's about time I faced reality that I no matter what I do,
He'd think of me otherwise even if it was out of care.

I want to post this because I want to remember the sentences that I had spat in my face today.

1. when I mentioned to have a slot for Saturday >>> "She's desperate"

2. when I mentioned a performance >>> " You're mean"
" You're harsh"

3. when I voiced the injustice >>> "What difference does it make even if I come to practice tomorrow?"

4. when I announced I would like to retire and was stating problems >> "I thought you said you retired?"

Seriously, from the two main people I cherished and loved, I hope you know how hurting you are yet again and disrespectful and inconsiderate.

A little add on to that particular someone, don't tell me lies just to pacify me for that one moment. Don't tell me you'll tell D to do etc, etc, etc, and you'll be there for me. And after when I asked you again for reassurance, you twist and turn your words and pretended the promises you made never happened. I'm not a kid J, I'm not, so quit being a jerk and be a man. I'm not a barbie doll. You lied more than once, and you're testing my relationship with you. I'm a person who hates crying, but you certainly succeeded in making it a habit for me. And I was right, you should've stayed ten yards away from me. You're just you, and you'll never change, you always overlook at other people's feelings and not bother thinking about how they would face after that. Let me repeat who am I to you for real, I'm just trash to you, J. Admit it.

Today, I've decided to let the conductor do it on his own. I came up with a little white lie and told him I would not be coming. Yep, they wasted half an hour and ignored the poor boy. However, those reading this blog may not agree with the wasted half an hour part but take it or leave it, you know that's not how it would've been in the usual days despite the amount of people present.

Okay, after much confusion and frustration, we got the choir working. I was quite disappointed because I wanted to start on the Medley today but then all these unnecessary stuff just kept popping up. Alright, I was still satisfied with the progress. Got to lunch, hah! That's when forget anemia or whatsoever, they just wiped out all the blood in me.

I don't really want to get into details about it but I am sick and tired of their selfishness. Really, of all people going against me, are those whom I spent months toiling with and getting crap from them till the day they made success in November 15th 2008. Respect? Forget it. I've never done anything that unorganized before. I could've sworn I made sure I informed all the necessary committees that may be clashing with my practices. I certainly did not train that particular committee to do whatever they just did today.

I wanted to lecture Jieguan. But what's the point? It's done. You won, all of you. I'm tired of fighting, I fought for you last year, and I am facing my consequences now. Yet, I thought that this is a blessing from God that despite what I have to face this year, with my insane schedule, I get to do what I love doing, music. But what is it to them? They just think its funny to come and go anytime they liked. Typical of them.

My mom said something really true that night. "Maine, you're not doing this because its a job you hired with your certs or education, you're doing this because you love music, but look at you, I see you getting heartbroken more than you gaining the sense of satisfaction that you should be getting"

I want to say, I'm tired. I would use the word "resurrect" because no one has seen how I speed on the highway yet. But I have been doing that for the past few months last year. I faced life and death alone. But doing it for choir now, it was fun, its something I love doing. Music is my life, I breathe music. But there is no music when the people making music treats you like trash.

I really love plunking notes for the past few weeks figuring out here and there. I love what I did, I love what we all had, I love tackling a person's problems, I love having to understand their difficulties in grasping melodies, I love being nothing but the person who finds the root of the problem and providing a solution for music. Tell you the truth, when they sang in harmony, it was pure, clean, fresh, air.

But a choir is not a one man show. Same goes to those who were involved in the camp last year, there's no one man show in anything like this. But look at the decisions you guys are taking?

You know whats funny? I had a friend who said he didnt want me to go through what hell I've gone through last year this time. I was really touched by his words because I thought he understands. Sadly, the person who said it, is the right arm of the people who are causing me endless episodes of upsets. Did you really mean what you said? Or you merely meant it out of a gesture of mannerism and whatever I felt and faced is just nothing to you?

Sometimes, there are people in this world that would just not stop lying to you. They think lying to you is making you happy for that moment. Well, what happens after that moment? The truth of course. On Tuesday, I had a very successful choir practice, really, I was very impressed with the attendance and the cooperation I had. I slept in class, got down to get coffee during class break and strived through the rest of the day. On Tuesday night, I got worried, what if they forget the parts again? No, I cannot let this happen, they are always losing it after getting that little progress. I called Peggy and she called the rest of the part leaders to arrange a small meeting for the next day.

I asked her later that night if everybody agreed. She said yes, I was more than happy when I heard Sheryi would be joining us too. I met Jieguan online. He said hopefully he can come and stuff...then I told him if its transportation and disturbing his mom I would gladly pick him up from home despite the distance. The conversation ended there which was then Darren came online. He had a shock that Jieguan agreed to my meeting because the cf was having one too at the same time frame. Okay, I didn't want to jump into conclusions so soon, so I called Jieguan and even texted him but to no avail.

Wednesday, my schedule was supposed to be like this :

8am-10am --- Class
10am-12pm--- Break
12pm-2pm--- Class
2pm- 3pm--- Teaching

because I thought everybody agreed, it turned into this:

8am-10am--- Class
10am-12pm--- Teaching
12pm-2pm--- Class
2pm---Go back to Seremban for meeting

Which of course, I was half an hour late for my afternoon class...

I got to Parkson where the leaders were supposed to meet. Jieguan told Peggy he is very busy and will come later. I glanced at my watch and it was already 3.02pm while the meeting was supposed to be 2.30pm.

Talk about respect. Pooh!

I've never been so hardworking before. *sobs* There's just so much to do and I'm not doing enough with the time I have. And that's just my studies in college, not forgetting my vocal and piano lesson which I am starting to slack these days. I find that I am procrastinating but I'm not entirely sure if that's what I am really doing because nothing seems to be lazy on my list so far and the only time I lay still is when I'm just too tired that I gotta sleep.

There's got to be a way out of all these juggling. I've not been practicing my piano and I am so dead, I've not memorised a single song I promised. I've not completed a single Economics assignment what more begin my revision? Shucks....there's just too much to do. I regretted delaying my Law assignment for so long. Here I am now, quarantined myself for 8 hours in the college library just to do nothing but my assignment and my one weekend late business tutorial. I need to practice my piano exam pieces and my voice is so horrible since that bad inflammation and I've yet to work it out to sing properly again.

What have I been doing? I don't know. I always have something to do. But I admit that the previous weekend you know the one with the Monday holiday... I really took that weekend off to sleep. Yes, I finally slept. And last weekend, well I watched Dragonball on Thursday, Love matters on Friday and spent time with mom on Saturday. Is that procrastination? You tell me :-s

I'm so dead, I feel like dying. My hands ache from all these load of writing. LOL and I'm typing right now. I'm so bored of looking at words. And I have a test this Friday. My mom asked me this morning, "You said you're happy being so hectic, are you still happy now?" Well, I am tired and in trouble, alot of trouble in fact, but am I still happy? Yes I am. No doubts about that. Why? I don't know. I chose my round of fun, I chose my round of hell. So I had fun, now I face hell. It's a cycle ain't it?

Well, wish me luck that I'll survive! Toodles!

1. Clear the mess on my bed.
2. Sort out paper files
3. Store clothes into wardrobe
4. Clear study table in mom's room
5. File up business past year papers
6. Print out economics past year papers
7. Print out recent law notes
8. Do laundry
9. Sweep bedroom
10. Record parts for choir
11. Complete law assignment
12. Memorise O mio Babbino Caro
13. 2 lessons this week for Andrea
14. Practice pieces and UPM scores
15. Economics Assignment
16. Extra choir practice on Saturday
17. Help Ps. P on Saturday afternoon

Eeeeeeeeeee I'm going to die!!!!!!!!!!! I regret procrastinating for the past one weekend. *sobs*

Tonight I came home after another long day of working with the choir. Hell yeah, so much for telling me to shut up, everyone just went haywire. It's as though, it's a fun thing? And then I realised, that I was wrong. It is my job, yes, but it's just an activity to them. So yeah, I shouldn't compare them with professional work.

First thing's first, they are awesome people, they make music with the bits and pieces of everybody's random talents and combine it together, it's just amazing when it comes to working out parts. We'd get all headache-y and then annoyed and stuff and joke about. That's life, I like that.

The first thing I did when I got home just now was to play up everything we worked out just now. I admit that I am a lousy pianist, so I had to work out every chord, I'm not as talented as those I worked with today. Sigh! I really admire their skills... But as I worked for about an hour, it sinks into me that it may have been because of me, that I have not done what a proper guide would have done, I am after all still immature in the vocal field. I may be the root of our prolonging problems...

Training them has no more been fun. And turning into a dominating mode only scares me reminding me how hard I tried for the cf last time. I really want to call it quits now, but I don't want to be known as irresponsible either. I would miss out on my passion to working on music and to exploring each other's unique voices, but it's no more fun if it means I'll have to be that beast I tried so hard to vanish.

It's just too straining, and everybody's got their own reasons and problems. I could hold it in and compromise a few times, but I am just too tired.

I'm finally ill. Lost my voice which means I'll have no other way of talking, no method of shutting my thoughts off and not listening to other people. I asked myself, what happens when April comes? What happens when it's all over? What do you do, and where does that lead you?

It's March. I'm freaking out, I have no idea what happens when it's over. Let go, let go, I told myself, let go, but why am I drawing myself nearer? It's certainly not an effective method of letting go by going nearer. Will I make it? Because at this point, I feel as though I'm allowing myself to float to the realms of insanity.

Is it true that just because of what black episode of your life you cannot go forward and make better ones? I just can't seem to find the way out right now. What am I not doing that is preventing me from letting go?

We text, we meet, we talk, we love............ what does it take to make it happen?

It's just one person. A person out of the many chosen at that point of time, a person whom you once shared your heart and love with who doesn't with you anymore. Why is it so difficult to let go?

I still wear his heart for the memories. But here's the question, what does it take to let go?

I used to be very close to a friend of mine, E. It was funny at first because we used to quarrel back in school and hated each other in everyway we could? Yeah... and we weren't really people we'd like to remember. Months back when I returned to school, met him for abit. Since then we kept in touch. Became good friends not long after that, a type of friend who shared the same notorious lifestyle I am currently suffering.

I was heartbroken still, I'm not sure if I should be using past tense but anyways, he was too. He was someone who would listen to my stories back then. Recently, I have no idea what's up with the both of us. We would quarrel over petty things and keeping in touch or even bugging each other seem to be a pain in the neck. I tried, bugging him back on MSN... but, it's just not the same anymore.

You know, chemistry isn't just for lovers sometimes. There are times as such, when the chemistry in your friendship is fading, that's when the distant becomes obvious. I guess that's why people say friendships are like plants, you need to care it well and not let it wilt.

I don't know, even when we talk these days, there's nothing to talk about. Sigh...

So many people dying,
So many people getting hurt,
Their eyes are full of hate,
Their hobbies are to kill,
Life is like a rolling stone to them,
And death is something they enjoy watching.

Loving the sound of crashes,
Adoring the sounds of death,
Inviting more angels of death,
Allowing more people to die,
It is the latest entertainment in town,
I can smell death everywhere.

They tried to get me too,
I survived unharmed,
But no matter how fast you run,
All they have to do is just walk behind you,
Their cynical laugh ascends..
And soon you'll have nowhere to run,
They'll lick your pool of blood splattered,
That is what they call a healthy snack.

The world is cruel,
It is not just brutal,
It is way beyond any inhumane attributes,
We're all victims,
But we are also the culprits,
How fast can we run,
How long can we hide,
Till the Messiah saves us again?

Hayek was driving at the back of Salma and suddenly he decided to overtake Salma's car as he was anxious to see how sexy Salma was. As he passed by Salma's car and looked out of the window, Salma speeded and was ahead of Hayek. Unexpectedly, Salma braked to avoid a lorry containin petrol in fronf of her and Hayek who was driving at a great speed hit into Salma's car causing Salma to hit the lorry in front of her and blast.

Salma is burnt to death in the car caused by the negligence of Hayek. Jackie and Chan witnessed the acident and Jackie unsuccessfully tried to rescue Salma.

Salma's husband, Pitt was told of the accident and saw Salma's mutilated body at the hospital and Salma's mother, Pamela, saw the accident live on television during an outside broadcast. Salma's father, Anderson was told of the accident but could not bring himself to see Salma's body.

Tom and Jerry also witnessed the accident; in which Tom knew that Salma had in the car the only handwritten copy of his script for his new movie which took him 3 years to complete and Jerry realized that Salma was wearing an evening dress which she had rented from his boutique.

Advise all the parties (other than Salma), who have suffered nervous shock. Also advise Hayek if he was negligent or not.

SALMA + HAYEK = SALMA HAYEK
PAMELA + ANDERSON = PAMELA ANDERSON
PITT = BRAD PITT
TOM AND JERRY?
JACKIE CHAN

i love this assignment question =)

The reason why I said I need to stop all that is going on in my life is because I can feel that my body cannot take it anymore. I'm getting very restless and tired. I hadn't been practicing my piano pieces for nearing two weeks now. I have an assignment due this coming Tuesday and I've not started on a single thing. I have a class test this week too. Not studied a single crap.

What's wrong with me? I don't know. All I know is, I want someone to make me cry, let me scream. I'm getting out of control, I have pretended so much I don't know what I want out of myself. I have so many things to do yet I just sit down and let the time pass by and live with guilt and regret.

I told myself, Charmaine, let go, it's over, let all your past go, but it's just so hard. I can't help blaming those who have caused me to lose everything I strived so hard to build for myself. They enter your life and then they leave you taking everything you built. It's over but I want everything back. I know I sound like a lunatic. I'm trying so hard not to think like this, I really am. But this is just how I'm feeling inside.

Yes, I'm known by many that I never walk alone. I'm always with somebody. But does that really matter to me? When so many people walk by me, they don't really understand how I feel. I don't quite understand what I'm trying to express but I only know that I am still not happy. I'm still not as happy as how I used to be. What's wrong with me?

I hadn't been going to church in like so long. I tried so hard to get up and go, but my body and soul is just so depressing to actually go anywhere. My weekends are just lazing at home and don't think of anything and don't want to know what's there in my life. My head hurts all the time even though I am not thinking of anything because I am seeing everything in my mind flashing repeatedly, reliving guilt and regrets and wants and needs.

I believe I will go insane very soon. But there's no solution out of it as how I see it now.

I love you very much. You are a wonderful friend, please don't ever forget that. But you will always disappoint me the most. I don't care who else you disappoint, I don't care what others say about you, but this is between me and you. It's me we're talking about. You blamed me despite everything. Your father didn't understand, I get it, But you? You gotta be kidding me.

After five to six months of being with you, with intentions to give you comfort, support and a person to share problems with, you treated me as such when it comes to cf. We laugh, we joke, we play, we sing, we go nuts, remember the times at my house? Remember the times we had fun? But what are those to you whenever work comes stumbling and then you blame me for what has happened? I was always here for you, waiting on you..

Don't give me excuses about calling me. I see you every Tuesday, nowadays Wednesdays, and you tell me you can't speak to me about anything at all? Gosh, I spent a night at your home. You were next to me the whole time. When I was sulking over the superglue stuck on my hands, you could've said something about whatever that has been going on.

Why are you letting everything I built for you go? Was I nothing but an invisible person to you? Please, save me from this misery. I'm confused whether I helped you or did I murder you faster?

"I'm dreaming of a zinger burger,
Just like the ones my ex-boyfriend used to buy me,
Oh how I long to get to eat,
Oh my stomach is so naughty" (white christmas soundtrack)

That was what I text D and J, then, I rushed from class, to appointments and to the highway, darn! I wish my car was higher CC... then I can speed faster. I felt so stagnant at 130 km/H

I bombarded school, I nearly run Peggy down but nah don't worry, I didn't. I parked my car in a very rushing way... headed to the pavillion and talk talk talk.... then J said, turn behind you and there it was!

ZINGER BURGER SET! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Thanks to D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a blast at choir today. I felt weird as usual working with people who affected my life once. But as the week goes by, I got used to it, I'm not sure if I'm used to pretending or I'm really getting used to this new skin but either ways, I'm okay... I think. =.=

I was just driving J and D home and I mentioned that I lost my 8gb pendrive, then suddenly,

tadaaaa!!

J gave me a pendrive...woah *teary eyed* What a day, loved by two buntuts that I can never live without!

J has always caused me upsets, yet he treats me well... gosh, how can I differentiate my disappointments and happiness with you??

D, I'm stuffed till now.

I love you guys!! Don't mind me being greedy, but I'm going to need more support the more I show up at school.

My new specs are so darn nerdy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so crappy. Hahahahahaha I have no idea. This optician I went to only had full frames. The half frames were like so kiddy. Lol!! I have noi dea why I settled down on this but yeah... my mom was like "Heyya missy, missy, Miss Lee *whistles*"

=.= " hahahahaahahahah

okay world, like what Avin said, he can finally calll me Nerdy Maine. Gosh, lucky you, Av. I'm going to get your furry tail for this new nick name!

I look so nerdy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I'm even more percentages lower from wanting to be a leng lui... *sobs*

This weekend, I spent my valentine's with E and A. Never would I have expected to know the other side of the story of what me and A would've have become if I were to know it sooner before we split up even as friends. It would've been a massive change if we were together, that'll mean G would not be in my picture at all. Its so melancholic that I don't know which one I'd wish for. A is really different now that we've met. But the damage is done, I wish this girlfriend of mine whom I grew up with would one day stop making up stories and causing people heartaches because she sure torn the both of us apart.

What's over is over, I only look forward to my future. Valentine's is just valentine's. What I seek is eternity and commitment. But I must say, it was a wonderful weekend. We all patched up pretty well, though I couldn't really get to talk to K... I still can't get in touch with him till now. Sigh..

I remembered the heart shaped wax when we were lying on the field last night, and the heart shaped lollipop. The human nature, rather ridiculous at times, you really adore one person yet your ego tells you to do another. And now, there's nothing worth to be regretting about. Because its over.

A friendship is what I seek between us for now, and it should be the best. You're never serious, and I can never know when you really mean what you said. Even with that promise we made, I somehow know you'd just break it soon...

But I breathe in the night's air. I take in the breathtaking view of the stars, and I cherish our moment to catch up. As for the promise, I quote my friend D, time will tell.

And yes, time will tell if you're true to your heart.

Never would I have thought that he would actually think I liked him. It was a mixture of humour and disgust when he proposed that question. I was getting very uncomfortable as to just being a friend and nothing more, yet, he said certain things I did made him thought so. It's funny how people repay your generosity with a negative shock. Come on , buying him a cake is something normal to me and what I usually do to my friens. And yes, bear in mind I'm a type of girl who would go great lengths to surprise my friends. However, I'm upset too because the situation is now very awkward. I was grateful the times he consoled me of my grandfather's death but I never looked pass our status as good friends and never would. I wonder if he's just born vain or should I be lucky for being accused?

Because neither of it,would be a dice I'd want to roll in this game.

I never expected K to be telling him how I felt, but I know she only meant well for I was annoyed. I'm just sick and tired of my pile of work and the last thing I'd want is a confusion between my perspective of him as a friend and a crush. I've only loved one person in my life so far and I know where it led me to. I'm sorry, but don't flatter yourself, my heart's still closed =)

It's a lil melodramatic tonight. Yeah, tonight was the Holka Polka sketch in my college. And yesterday was I's birthday.. He was upset that his birthday went on horribly and things weren't working out especially when we were all arguing last minute during our final rehearsal. Things didn't go well for my work as well, I headed to Giant then and spotted a cake that was written " Special Chocolate" and immediately thought of him who loved chocolate.

I headed straight to college and contacted M and plotted the rest of the scenario. Yep, I tricked I saying that I needed help carrying some costumes and lured him to the N block. I succeeded in covering up my tracks in not letting him know that I was the culprit behind it all.

During make up before the grand opening of the drama, little did I know that he needed kisses on his face to show that princesses have tried breaking the spells with their kisses. Humpty Dumpty was instructed to do it and of course there was a havoc and roars of laughter that made the attempts fail endlessly. In the end, I had to do it. Yep, someone mentioned my name and I was the guinea pig. I did it of course, I'm the kind of person who would just want to get the ball rolling no matter what it takes.

But I'm upset, towards the end I busted myself. I accidentally announced that I went to Giant. He found out I was the one who bought the cake. But does it matter even if he finds out? He thanked me in an SMS about me saving him from Humpty's lips. But does it matter anymore when he went down to the hall and announced to people that it was a horrifying moment? I mean, come on, I know I'm not those hot girls that you adore, well that's not whom I would want to be even in my next life. It was done for the sake of art, and I bought you the cake with surprises to make you happy.

I'm sorry you had to put up with me then. I just wish you would know that I was really okay after whatever I had to do for the sake of this drama tonight, but it wasn't okay anymore. You wouldn't know would you? Yeah, horrifying moment... put the blame on me alright? I hope you enjoyed the rest of the show,because all I ever wanted was a dose of respect and not a thank you that you type and express another in public.

I've been so stressed out lately, even if I were to sit down and do nothing for a bit, my mind just keeps wondering on the load of stuff I need to complete. I feel so dumb putting myself in this situation sometimes. I tried to look on the bright side of it a few times, but I soon worn out of those positive thinking. I mean, let's face it. This is pure shit...

Tonnes of academic achievements to obtain. Within such a short time span is near to impossible. I get up before the sun comes up everyday and sleeps when its nearing the break of dawn. I survive through the day with a cup of Milo at dawn till night at seven to have a meal and that's it. It's not as though I do it on purpose or anything bu it's just my life ... it's been like that lately ever since the year started. It's getting harder everyday...

More demands... more needs more deadlines... Lesser sleep, lesser food, lesser time to breathe... I wonder when will I see the end of all these or if not, the end of me?

I'm so upset with it at the end of the days.... and I got no one to talk to about it because everybody's probably going through their own schedule and suffering the same... perhaps mine's just a tad heavier... I don't know...

Hurts to feel so alone, Hurts to feel so burdened, Hurts to feel so tired, Hurts to puke after eating, Hurts to sleep without worrying........

Sometimes we humans are just plain negligent and this is when ignorance is a bliss. I fear myself too if I were to be high and mighty some day would I forget who I was before I am who I am then? We all strive to make ourselves a better person regardless physically, emotionally or spiritually. We buy concealers, we lose weight, we buy lipsticks, we scale our teeth, we change our fashions and hairstyles... I find that as a need a mode of vanity to be more comfortable with ourselves in this community.

I find it rather upsetting whenever some other people comment or criticize the way we are or the way we are striving. But tonight at a party I realised on thing that I've failed to see for quite a long time. We are all ugly. I mean, let's face it, no matter what you do or say, there will be one part in yourself that you do not like or wish were different and there would be one part of other people that you would not agree with as well.

To me, I think we should respect those who strive to look pleasant. Not to say that we are going against God's creation, but we are merely trying to make the best out of our features as how I would put it. So I don't find it as something to laugh about. Nor something to comment negatively about but rather something to learn from, something to be respected, adored and practiced.

We are all ugly, thats what makes us beautiful. It only depends on how we look at things and how you understand the difficulties it takes to become who you are and when you are who you are that you want to be, will you remember your strive to this journey or would you forget all the effort and look down on others who's just begun the same journey that you have succeeded?

I dedicate this post to someone who mattered to me tonight, and also I dedicate this post to myself because I know the pain, I know the hassle, I know the difficulty. And if you've been there done that, then take a minute and try to understand a person in that similar situation.

Life has been really hard lately. Ever since the year started, ever since whatever I planned for this year begun, I feel that life has no meaning at all, its just plain rough work, work till you drop. I find it very difficult to control my emotions lately, and I snap rather easily too. I tried to joke it off, cool off the situation with my surrounding people, but its getting harder as the day goes by. It's as though, I'm running out of jokes. You know what I mean?

Whenever mom leaves, I turn into a beast, trying to run the household properly, getting everyone to do their part of their responsibility. Well, it doesn't work anymore, and I'm always left with the chores. I turn to the right, there's a pile of clothes unfolded, I turn to the left, I see ants marching up to a dirty plate, I look out the window, the curtains are dusty and worst off mom's beloved garden was dying. How much can I do in a day and not forgetting my own personal heavy workload to deal with?

Every morning I get up and told myself, be professional, be ethical, be realistic. Yeah, but who am I kidding? I doubt I can hold out any longer cos it's starting to destroy me. I sweat cold sweat every few minutes, I'm so anxious over everything, at home I practically walk about with a rag to wipe dust. What's wrong with me?

There are bills to pay, a house to clean, a mouth to feed and its not mine. Living on one meal a day or less I guess. I just can't seem to find the time to care for myself anymore. When will this end I really don't know, and sometimes I wonder am I driving myself to this near suicide?

Tonight, mom called from work. I could tell that she's tearing throughout the conversation. Trying so hard not to yell her feelings out. As for I, I'm tired of listening to all the complains. I feel her pain and the most pain was that I could do nothing to help. I can try to learn how to do the laundry, change the tires, cook good meals, make lame jokes... but there are still so many things I fail to do. I want to make everybody happy. I want to say yes to everybody's wishes... and no matter how hard I try, I just fail to be that person I wish I could be.

I'm a type of person who's versatile in the most awkward way. I can go out partying, I can go out doing everything I wanted. I go out showing skin of not worrying about anything. I really wish I am that person, with nothing to worry about, nothing to want, nothing to need. Just to care for others. So tell me, why when everyone else is happy and celebrating this new year tonight, and I'm sitting here wishing there'd be a phone call for me giving me comfort assuring me that even though it sounds impossible, everything's going to be alright?

Tell me, why am I at such state of emotion on this joyous night?

I quote a personal message from my friend; "for the night has been unkind...

Allow me to finish it on my own repetoire...

Doth for the night has been unkind,
Everything her little heart seeketh,
Perishes deep with drapes of darkness,
Reality stabs into her very soul,
Eagerly pushing her way beyond her limits,
Seeking her every ounce of energy and womanhood,
Secluding her pain when day strikes,
Inflicting a character she does not wish to play,
On a stage she never would step foot on regardless of the fame,
Never ending story as so it seems now, where is the end of all this pain?

Let me know if you noticed how I felt tonight...

Honestly, I'm pretty upset with J still. I remember a few days before school started for him, he told me he needed me on Fridays, to speak to him, to catch up with him and to continue advising him as in like a commitment. I had classes 2-4pm on Fridays... and yeah, I asked my lecturer if he could change it. Obviously he did change it for me. I somehow felt as though I owe it to my classmates and to my dear teacher who probably had to face certain amount of difficulty because he had to care for his old aged mom too.

One thing I don't understand about J is that, he can be so committed to whatever he likes, whenever he wants to. Like when he had a crush on P? He remembers literally everything and does everything he needs to to gain attention or whatsoever goal. I'm not comparing as a lover or an infatuation sorta thing but sometimes I wonder, how long does it take him to realise that he has caused me to put my life on hold just to think that he actually meant all those commitments he said?

I said yes thinking this is what I wouldn't mind doing serving God. But this is way too much, too many times, too many negativity, too many sacrifices, too many consequences that led to nothing but me being in despair. Everytime we do come across each other, it beats my heart to yell at him and tell him how much trouble he's caused. But what's the point? I agree with what Pastor P said,

One pm sharp and I'll be as limpy as a wilting flower,
One pm sharp I start to chill and feel the quiver of ice down my spine,
One pm sharp my body shatter into little pieces when my muscles fail to coordianate,
One pm sharp when I'll lay very still in bed,
The only thing I could do is to lay still,
Gritting my teeth,
And pray for the discomfort to go away,
When I am not anywhere near my bed,
That is when I suffer the most,
Kneeling at wherever shades most,
And sob my tremors to an end...

When will this end?
I hope its soon,
Moving a stickshift as though I'm moving a pillar of the Roman times,
I am awake,
But I look as though I'm drugged,
This is unfair,
Because my life cannot be on hold any longer,
I need to hurry and rush,
Before I'm left behind,
Dear tremor,
Please leave me alone?

Pretty annoyed these days, its been accumulating in me. Okay, I know he came by to help the choir because I asked him to. I really really appreciate that and along the way, we made pretty good friends. But time's running short for me, and knowing my results are like crap right now, the last thing I'd wanna do is to have this darn choir thing stuck in my head in square one undone. Choosing songs should be done so long ago and not now. The members are not doing anything, now he's not doing anything anymore, who's going to do it?

I know one thing very well though, I am not going to make such big sacrifices anymore like I once did for this other boy.

You guys want it, you go do it yourself, when school starts and nothing's up, that means astalavista baby.

I met you today, and it's just so unusual. Well of course, we can't be as how we used to anymore, but that was not what mattered, we felt so.... smooth.... as if we never once hated each other. But I know you kept it short. I understand. When you told me that latest event of yours, it tears my heart to know that you are at that..but I also know that if I were to show another inch of concern, you'd vanish from me in just a snap of a finger.

It was worth the shot meeting up today, two tall glasses, a corner table, talking about nothing but everything. I wish and I hope that you'd remain like this forever. Because its very comfortable talking like this. It gives me the peace, there's no more fighting, no more hating, no more revenge, that's what I pray for.

I tried to reach out, but you obviously fringed yourself. Will there be a second time? It is indeed a start of a new year, or would we both be walking out separate paths, pretending not to once know and died for each other? I'm so confused, all I know is I still care.

Lemon tea/ lime tea.... it doesn't matter. If you can still distinguish the taste of both, that's all that matters really.

Minutes pass in vain,
Taking its stroll of pain,
Length of this path burdens me,
Is this a curse
Or is it mere choice?

The voices demanding more of you,
Instructing for your attention,
You make a wrong turn and the voices will change,
A symphony of negativity and shame,
As you continue limping through with your head hung low

Beats are getting faster,
Like your heart beats against your chest,
Pounding on you from the east to west,
When will you complete the quest?
To that faint picture of your stable nest

The more they demand of you,
The more sacrifices you make,
These aren't the fear that you should fear,
But rather fear that these fears would stop,
For when they stop haunting you,
That is when you worth no price,
And your name pays no dignity

My exam results are coming out on Wednesday, whatever it may be, there's no one else to blame but myself. I am preparing for the worst. Knowing I no longer have those prayers that used to back me up when I was with them. I never knew that a prayer for another needed a price to pay. Now, they no longer do that for me. I am on my own though this results is an aftermath. Will I still find it worth it? I really don't know.

I'm crying,
Tears like rain,
Howling for all the pain,
I'm nobody in any unusual type of vain,
But I've just got too much on my plate,
Sadly, I don't have such an appetite,
And I don't know how to clean this plate.

Troubles keep dicing at me,
The days are getting more difficult,
I just want a listening ear to hear me out,
But I only watched till the candle.... grow dim..


I awake wishing for a better day,
But it's just a bad day for way too many days,
I've fallen ill,
Recovered,
And fallen again repeatedly,
This challenge that I plot for myself this year,
Had been a decision from the growing fire I did not realise,
Green eyes watching you,
Hurting you when you are least alert,
Smiles of joy fades away,
I see no silver lining in the sky...

I sweep the dead leaves on the ground,
I turned around and came back around,
I solved one,
There comes another,
My energy is wearing out,
And I don't have another.

This morning, I searched high and low for a shop that would fix my car. None was open, and none that was would do it for me.

I had vocal lesson and I totally forgotten about it.
It was a disaster that I chose to attend anyways. He lectured me about me not being focused enough and was rather upset towards my progress today. It hurt me because I couldn't tell him I had such a bad day this weekend... I opened my mouth to protest but I knew words wouldn't come and tears would instead. So I just took it all in and blamed my own stupidity.

I was sitting down just now playing the piano singing some praises. I sang "When the music fades"

It striked me that J actually called me last night while I was at Xy's place. He apologized for not catching up. Sadly, I am already broken, and his apology can be accepted but it would not make any difference anymore. Back a few months, he was all different, now, I don't even know him anymore. I don't intend to publish our episodes here but as I was telling E online the other night, that when my life is full of shit, there are only a handful of friends I could call.

As I continued singing, I cried so hard, I've never felt so stuck in my life. Sometimes, its just too little too late. I don't want to get too close and get myself hurt again. This person has made too many promises and fulfilled none. I hope someone would tell him that for me. I didn't talk to him much on the phone, cos it was too disappointing to. My life is going on even if he doesn't catch up. I don't need a fling caller. I don't need a fling companion who only talks about himself all the time. I may have a handful of friends whom I can rely on, I am lonely at nights, I am struggling, but that's the last thing I need on my list.

I never again want to be disappointed by this individual. It's just too high a price to pay. And I'm still paying...

Today, I woke up hoping for a better day. I headed to Perodua to get a price quote for my damages. Uncle said last night that it would be around RM 250. But after Perodua checked, it was above RM 300. Shortly after that I had breakfast with Errol. I'm very sorry towards him because I could not give him my full attention despite his efforts to come and help me work plans out for the choir in school. My siblings called me curious about how I'm going to settle the problem. I got lectured and advised from a few people, in the end, as I was still on the phone, I just knelt down and cried. It hurt too much. I don't think anyone would know how it feels to be at a point where you just don't know what else to do anymore. And the world was blaming you for every mistake that should not have belonged to yours.

I worked on the choir plans with E a little more, constantly interrupted by more frustrating calls. I faced difficulty with the careless driver. He dared me to make a report. I was afraid, not to the police, but being alone there at the station to defend myself. I put down the phone and my mind was trying to find a solution, but it was too exhausted to even remember why E was doing at my home. Yes, it was that bad a situation. I am only an 18+ year old girl. Messing with a young man is entirely out of the question. My brother's friend A was supposed to sleep over after attending a wedding tonight. Thank God he was willing to come over, drove my car and took me to Nilai to settle the argument.

The boy gave in. I literally turned white since morning. By late evening, Mandy called and said she could give me a lift after I park my mom's car at my sister's home porch. She waited for quite sometime outside as I couldn't find the key. Everything was so hectic. And at the same time E said he lost his way by taking the wrong exit from highway and was on his way to PD. I was responsible for that. I was responbile for everything. Mandy's time, E's safety...

I finally sat down again and went online, Xy was online too. I blurted my heartache to her and shockingly, she sprained her foot too. I didn't know what to do, but I knew enough was enough. I grabbed my keys and purchased a tub of ice-cream and headed to her home.

As I was on my way, I text her to ensure she was home. She was worried for me too and forbid me from visiting her and told me to stay put at home. But knowingly I wouldn't;

"Hey, you sure you okay"

Xy replies positively...

"Did I tell you I was santa girl when I was ten?"

She did not reply... but her dad accompliced with me as he was washing the car outside. Managed to sneak in... well, though she read the SMS much later, santa girl arrived first :P

Her dad was so nice and friendly, he even offered to polish my car. It was rather comforting. Someone who actually cared for my car too. Xy took me to dinner and shopped for Chocs as a gratitude to A who drove me up.

Mom left on Thursday night. I juggled my time on Friday. I was let off early by my lecturer at one pm. But since I promised J and A I'd send them home too, I waited for their class to finish at four. Finally, we could leave, as I exit the car park, a Vios knocked me from the back. And then I knew, that one portion of hell has just begun. When the car knocked me, honestly, I was panicky, but no one was there to help me. Yes, I was not driving alone in my car, but I was alone if you know what I mean. I got down, not daring to view my car damages, I walked over to the culprit's to inspect his and guess mine out from there. His was horrible. Front left light smashed, front left body crushed in like a carbonated drink can. What's left of mine?

I dared not even take a look. I questioned him his intentions of settlement. Yet he merely said "Its okay lah I'll settle my own one" I find these brats rather insufferable. "I don't care how you settle yours, I want to know how you're going to settle mine" Together we walked to my car and inspected my damages. By the grace of God it was not a very major issue but it was major in the fact that my car's only 5 months old or so. I looked up hoping someone would voice something and stand up for me as well. But no one was saying anything to defend me. I was left all alone to defend myself and my rights. By the time I got into my car, I was shaking, but no one would care. No one said any words of comfort to me....not until I met A at his hostel block, and he calmed down a litlte bit.

Sometime's life is just so funny. You think you know a person well but then you don't really know in the end. Not too many days ago, a lecturer from my college and her husband and son died from a car crash on the exact road I take to college every single day. How was I suppose to feel? I was mortified. My foot tapping the accelerator is like a life and death decision everytime now. The question is, who's going to be there for me even if I do die in a car crash?

I got home. I called an Uncle from church. He came just two minutes after I arrived home. Sometimes I feel that certain friends are more family to me. I was just hurting too much. I settled whatever I could and resided on my desk. I was online, and Mandy and Xinyi came by to pick me up for a trip to the night market nearby. Everything was calm and peaceful, I thought that by nightfall good will return to my life. What could we have expected when M lost her purse in the middle of the market? Frantic hit me like buzzed wires... we searched high and low rounds after rounds... my head was spinning whizzedly. Mandy gave up. I gave up. We all didn't know what to do.

But let this be a testimony from me and Xinyi. When we were both hunting our pathways for the purse, we said, "God, do something, this can't be a bad day for her too. It's just way too unfair." Seeing M in despair we were utmost concerned. M dropped X to my home and left to her solace. As I dashed out of home with my purse and drove X out of my garden, the only thing we could do was to think of buying M a new purse and try to retrieve whatever that can be replaced most easily first. However, along the way, M called and said a good samaritan delivererd her purse home to her.

Didn't I tell you that God answers prayers?

X and I were starving and we settled down at a Mamak stall Jieg took me last time. Then awhile, Pauline, Jared and the rest of the youths came along. No, Jieg wasn't there if D's wondering whether he was. X and I ate and chatted, then it was my turn on deja vu again. I left my purse at home after all. I was tired, after the scene today at college. I drove Xinyi home and couldn't risk driving back without a license knowing I might just be the next culprit and I wont have a license to show.

I am very grateful Xinyi despite her fatigue, drove me all the way back to my home and returned to hers. I ditched my car at her place for the night.

This night I couldn't sleep. But I was grateful nothing happened to X. It was some kind of a game of bad luck. That just kept bowing its arrows on us...

She leaves tonight. I am rather nervous and weak to know what responsibility that lies ahead. 24 hours a day will no longer be enough. Catching up on my own load of work yet cleaning after my own dear granny. I'm not here to complain, just a tad of worry seep through my breath... because I have been very exhausted for the past two weeks and I do not know why. Is this another episode of depression? If so, what is this about? I really do not know.

As I clear that monthly stack of bills, as I clear after the mess from her meals, as I finally sit down and savor a moment of peace, food will no longer be on my list. My bed is my home, my privacy is my joy. I satisfy everybody's needs and wants for this period of time again as how I did previously when she left, but I just don't know how much energy I can put in.

The floors are waiting to be mopped. The dishes to be done. The bread storage to be filled. The breadspread needed to buy for her daily consumption. Checking on her from time to time. Checking on the accounts and making sure all bills are paid. I recall the last time this happened, I really hadn't the time for a meal till the day my stomach groans in agony. I'm trying to cope, of course with a little more hope, but who's going to be there for me when I'm all exhausted and not able to complete the tasks here at home? Who's going to call home for me to check on granny?

Worry,worry,worry, it has just begun, and I'm already hoping for the end...

Man born out of dust and plain dirt,
But revolutionized to only plaster a smirk,
Leaving one another not love,
But disappointments that engrave,
Resulting streams of tears farther than railway tracks,
Because it costs the world to resume from a crack,
What more if lies within the soul?

Through many toils,
We are who we are,
Yet you chose to be the one to injure,
Little gifts of detriment,
You crushed my hope that you would see,
Maybe at least care for the pain.

Each breath sucked in with broken promises,
Illness caught up within my pore,
Sending me shrills of heat and ice,
Taking in all of me like lice,
Tell me when will you notice,
Not even till the day I cure.

Warning bells ring,
You beg me to sing,
Though romance is not what is discussed,
To you I am just a fling,
That you know I would allow you to cling.

A stranger knows me better within days,
I have been with you beyond grays,
Yet, you see me as though I am a stray,
The insensitivity and blissful aura you play
Leaving me omitted from where your heart and mind lay.

Fatigue overwhelmed me as I worked around the clock,
Sometimes I wonder why I suffer,
Relations asked me why I bothered,
Simply I only said,
It is a bill I have yet to pay,
The obstacle or the fee for me to cross over,
Because I am finally sober.

They aren't just mere recognitions,
The price I pay for all the challenges,
Comes with a mighty amount of pain,
But the sweet surrender are those diplomas,
Carrying them home to bring a smile on her face.

I detest everything she wished for,
But the years in my life taught me otherwise,
A duty of care I owed my mother's love,
I want ot make her feel worth it,
With the mound of my success in stored,
Though I may tire for the rest of my days,
If giving up comfort and rest is all it takes,
I do it for her,
In hope that she knows my intentions.

Sand flowing through the funnel,
As I strive along the tunnel,
I recall faint memories of being here once,
Only this time it was no longer for solace,
But mere chance of victory,
To grant me the joy that I deserved.

Many doubts and fears I carry with me,
It is the only path to lead me home,
You have taken everything I ever wanted,
Though I pleaded for mery you never granted,
You made my heart sore,
Now this is the remedy for the core.

Love me not and you shall never,
For I was the fool and you were the clever,
I am grateful for the presence of others,
They warmed me up when you snatched my covers,
I shall be the sculptor of my life,
For I am no longer your wife.

I am ready now,
To allow this bitterness to depart from my soul,
Because the stench is getting rather foul,
I want my life back,
May you bless me back on track.

Today, D told me that they are planning to have the camp as a tradition from now on. I'm really touched. Never will I forget the reasons for returning, for going through that hassle. There were so man reasons to begin with. I recovered from my misery because of the help of those few who were in the committee, and it was something I could do in return. Secondly, I abused my powers when I was the president, it was time to fix it. As for J, I left him hanging for 8 months and I was responsible for that.

When I heard news G left them. When I tried to get out of the pain from G, I chose to haunt him. Haunt him till I'm over myself for him. I chose to serve God and pray for him despite how much I was hurt. Look at me now, I am truly happy. He, he's just another chapter that I'm done with. And its a moment where I knew that my friends and family would stick up for me.

They wanna make it a tradition, my prayers would be with them. Now, I live a life knowing how it hurt to be disappointed and abused by someone whom was once yours, instead of allowing it to pull me down, I want to make use of this experience and care for those who needed to be cared for. Why? Because you guys were there for me too.

I love all of you

Let this be a tradition for all of us, spread the love, spread the care, spread the comfort, cos you can help avoid spilling blood. I've been there, I know.

Muacks!

It was the Kidz Explosion, a Christmas programme held by Jonathan's church on the 23rd of December in which I signed up to help like two months before..hehehehe

Cute right? Like sesame street... by the way, the one at the most bottom ain't a puppet, just so you know. Hahaa

See? Kids!!

Kids again!! They even took over worship!

This cute little handsome drummer... eee he makes my heart beat in rhythm *winks*

(I know, I always say I hate kids, but aren't they adorable?)

But wait......those are just the nice pics..........

Two situations here. One big kid who wants to big a kid still ( the kneeling down one) hehe
The big guy back there being bullied by the younger one...kids nowadays.. mengganas

Cowboy carol for christmas? Yeeeeeehaaa!!! lol

Ah, our handsome prince, the MC of the day!! pfffttt!!(must give him credit lah rite? he's got higher chances of reading my blog)

See these two mascots? Jonathan nearly tricked me into being the female one. You bad bad boy!

But they are so cuteeeeeeeeeee..... they let out alot of air during the party...if you know what I mean. hahaha

Check out the pastor groovin babeh!

Oh no! The youths are taking over...they can't take it knowing their old anymore!

Woah........I thought Jon wouldn't wanna groove. woohoo... check them all out wriggling eh? =.=

Pastor decided to get off his chair and join in too...too bad I had to snap this pics..else I'd be one of those "pairs" out there XD

The big kid --- Rodger..

Wanna quote me pulak.. instead of saying "say wha" he said......


"Talk to hand lady!"

Foine!!

Of course food was one of the agenda in which J came in time rather conveniently after his youth service in TOW...and enjoyed the meal while I rested to recharge my batteries...as in 'my' batteries?

The stars!!!

The gang!! My picture with them is in Uncle P's camera lah...sigh!