Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I refuse to cry

Its tonight that I decided to blog again..too much confusion to pull through and too much to think. I've struggled through an entire semester of this business programme in KDU, and truth be told, I suck at it and I can't help hating it as the day goes by. I have great friends in class, Soony, Jeff and the gang... funky people not to mention helpful too..I won't forget the day I frantically parked my car at the college entrance just to rush in to pass up my assignment and Jeff rushing out just to repark it for me. LOL...

As the days go by, I dreaded to go to class, I became more depressed, and soon I hated to go out of my room, all I wanted was to sleep and gloom in depressing songs on my playlist. I needed a change, I never knew I needed one till I was down with high fever and was suspected for dengue last 2 weeks, when my sister Jo was with me, so much for having fun with me in PJ, she ended up nursing me all night for a week. It was one of those evenings that she told me, "Maine, stop lying to yourself, this is not your kinda thing and you know it, look at you, juggling business and music, not sleeping, not resting and not even living a human being's life.......when will you acting that you are okay?"

I'm not. But what choice do I have? All my life my priority is to provide for mom. I have always pushed everything and everyone I ever loved and adored aside for the family's sake. I thought that was my destiny. Till then I realised, I really cannot cope with this course. I don't understand anything at all and constantly relied on Soony to help me with it....

I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I decided to go for Mass Comm... so I made a mistake in my choice the first time, why dad, why? Why do you always have to give me hell? I'm the only one who still loves you, the only one who never cast you out of my phonebook....the only one who still respects you....sigh

I drove home after my procedures at college, with all the financial aids I need to attempt in hope for some aid, I needed a break, I drove to a nearby mamak stall for roti pisang...of all days, they didn't have any today. I wondered on the streets for half an hour, and ended up buying 9 ice cream, went home shoved them in the freezer and took a nap. I got downstairs and realised the maid chose today to clear out the freezer and melted all my ice creams. That's it people, I don't have anyone to share my joy and pains with here in PJ, haven't you gotten enough of me?

Keith,Soony and Jeff tried to console me online and via cell..can't help it babe, you are such a nice friend, the only one who sticks with me in this course..or rather I stick with you..LOL...and Jeff, you're a funky man :P and I ain't gonna call you "kor kor" Baby...thanks for being there even though you are trying very hard to enjoy your hols and get out of this sickening depressed mode of mine LOL..

Karen...thanks for being there to the tip top max... you are always the one searching and researching to make my life easier and help me through you =)

I was just drifting into LA LA land while sitting in the dining area just now, I started sobbing, I told myself, I quote Kevin Quah, "I refuse to cry" but some things are easier said than done...

1 lovebites:

KarenK said...

awww....i love you too :)
be strong, when u feel like crying think of mandy the boxer :P
Miss ya *hugs*

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