Friday, December 2, 2011

Growing Up Price.

Growing up isn't the easiest part of life but I don't suppose anyone is given a choice. For the past few months of internship and my last semester, juggling it all was my life's worst nightmare. I've come so far and this is the end of my semester, and somehow I felt that I did not do my best for my last two papers. I wish the fire in me did not die just a few days before having it all, but it's too late to turn back time now. I can only pray that my results are acceptable for the degree that I have always wanted...in which now, I'm not so sure if I want it anymore.

Despite what I have not learned throughout these past few months, but what I have learned, would be that life is a game of gamble. I have come to realize that in this world, you don't get candy for free. Every thing has a price to pay. Throughout my experience, a taste of what my career would be in the near future, debts are a high price to pay, and debts are the way to get around things. It isn't always on your side to play the "friend" card to get your way through.

I suppose this blog post is rather vague. But what I am trying to say is that I guess I have grown up a little more now. As I step into the world of adulthood, it scares me some times to actually realize what an animal world we live in. As cruel as it sounds, I sometimes fear because you'll never know who is truly your friend. I've been through the most difficult times in the past few months, and it was something that I would never forget. To actually go through so much emotional stress that it has became physical.

As we grow up, there are more responsibilities that we carry on our shoulders, and it's never easy. There's no turning back. When I stepped into the world of lies, my skin turned white out of shock. I once stepped into a world that I had to surrender my soul to the Devil. The Demons in there were out there to get you, watching you, and just waiting for the right time to get you. But I must say that God is amazing. The many fire pots I was put into, He saved me. Even though I never thought I would know myself again, I got out of it and I survived. He taught me that growing up is not going to be a joyride. It's going to be quite a ride, rather. And tomorrow, I have another battlefield to finish to pay off my "debts", one of the things I learned, is to never pull out that "friend" card just because I can. And as I walk out there to sell my soul to the Devil the second time, I hope that I would read this post again some time later and know that I survived yet again by the grace of God and that I would have grown up a little more again.

Image retrieved from: http://www.thelocalpoker.com/wp-content/uploads/14_4_orig.jpg

Life is very much like a round of poker, and Aces don't always come your way. Just don't meet the Joker.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Count Your Blessings

photo taken by me! =)




God's faithfulness are new every morning. Flowers wither but His love and faithfulness never will! I've been through a lot ever since I left Seremban, and ever since dad left. No matter how hard the road have been, despite the many times I thought that I wouldn't make it, I made it through a number of things through His strength. I'm almost through this huge mountain, Lord, I will trust in You!


photo taken by me again! =)

I thank God for giving me this wonderful church to serve in. Despite the distance, I believe He has a plan for me. This church has been a training ground for me to get back on my feet and continue battling spiritual warfare. Lord, thank You for letting me serve You. This is my first church that I've served in for a good two years after 3 years of church hopping. And not forgetting, that the Lord has blessed me with my other half. Thank you Jesus!


photo taken by me :P
I lost some friends, and I met some. I know that the Lord has never forsaken me. I'm very blessed to know the above two. Despite our differences, we actually got along pretty well. It has been a great blessing with their willingness to help, comfort and sharing and not forgetting the countless fits of laughter. Thank you girls for being there for me. :)


A friend who would send me everywhere and wouldn't mind dipping her feet into slimy waters.

A friend who would jump, run, squeeze for my photo shoot requirements! Sweats and trips but never complains :)


 Of course, not forgetting the one, I've truly been blessed with for the past two years and still counting...


<3

Despite the many troubles we've faced, it all depends on which road we decided to take, and the consequences we have to face. The journey mom and I have been through and still going, wouldn't have been possible without His love and guidance. And I am very blessed to have a mother who understands, cares, and lets me tease like a friend! Hehe!

We're almost there, mee!



A friend of mine shared this video with me last night :



I've been through a lot, despite the hurts and disappointments, I am truly blessed. :)

Here's a verse that I would like to share on this occassion,


"Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He saveth them out of their distresses.
He sent His word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. KJV Psalm 107:19-20"
 



P/S: I know my photography skills still suck, but I'm tryinggggg!!


Count your blessings! =)



Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Woks and pans

I cooked scrambled eggs with capiscium!







I also cooked my usual spaghetti bolognaise the other day, but this time with spinach spaghetti noodles. I don't quite like it, but it was worth a try.....and healthy






Not forgetting pork balls to go with 'em!



Maybe Buritos next ? :)

Monday, April 18, 2011

We're almost home.




We've been through years of struggle,
Countless wars and pains,
Just a few more leaps,
And we're there,
We're almost home


The lines on your face and hands,
Reminds me who I am ,
And who am I to become,
The veins on your arms,
Tells me what a mother you are,
We're almost home


No matter how the world sees us,
You kept me strong,
Even when you're weak, you gave m e strength,
Whenever we gave up,
We laughed it off and kept pushing forward,
We're almost home.


It has been hard,
It gets harder as the day goes by,
But it's all worth it when I'm with you,
You gave me hope in the midst of disappointments,
Like a toddler learning how to walk,
You guided me,
We're almost home.


I believe our race for happiness is almost here,
Just need to win this race,
I worry for you,
And you worry for me,
Lord please keep us both save,
Mum, we're almost home.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Servant Heart

A friend of mine told me, that she didn't want to sacrifice her time participating in any sidekick roles for a play. As I was hearing this, I reflected on a lot of things. Back when I first came to Banting, I felt that every one's wasting my time. I felt that I deserved better. Then when my pastor gave me a chance to serve, I felt that they should all listen to me when I coach voice, because I'm doing it for free. It wasn't long till I got into trouble, misunderstandings and arguments with the ministry. I was pretty disappointed because I felt that I did not fit in with the crowd. I even stopped serving for a couple of months because I thought that this church wasn't meant for me anymore.

As I spent those few months down there as part of the congregation, I realized how great our God is, He can make use of us anytime and also use someone else whenever we think we are too great for something. When I stopped coaching voice and serving, the team went on week after week. Then I realized that I'm not so great after all.


You know, sometimes we tend to overlook the minor roles in life. I met another pastor's daughter last week and I asked her, 'Do you serve in your church?' she humbly replied, 'Yes, I'm just an usher' In most churches that I have been to ( I'm not generalizing) , most pastor's kids have a certain responsibility or role to play in church. But this is my first time hearing a Pastor's child saying, "I'm just an usher". I was touched by her humbleness to serve in such manner, a person who did not want much of a name but just humbly serving God by welcoming people at the door every Sunday.

It was then I figured, it's not the talents that God has given us made us great, but its the heart that we have, that servant heart to serve Him and His people. We can have all the talents in the world, but if we think too much of ourselves and our sacrifices, we are not serving in proper manner. It's just when Jesus took those beatings for us before He was nailed upon the cross, what if He thought of Himself being a Son of God and did not deserve such sacrifice? If the lady thought much about her sacrifice, then she wouldn't have broken her most expensive alabaster jar to wash Jesus' feet. Our Father takes into account of every little thing we do despite how small the role may be. Thank You Father for enlightening me once again. :)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Warfares

Nightmares and morningmares,
You can attack me whenever you want,
But you'll never succeed,
Because my God is great and the Almighty,
What do you have to compare to rule over me?
You may whisper words in my mind and heart,
Whenever I'm alone I know you are near,
But the one next to me isn't you,
My Abba Father is always next to me,
Always IN me.
So get out of my house,
Get out of my head,
Get out of my mind,
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,
The Lord who has loved us enough to give up His own son,
I rebuke you, evil one,


Dear God,
Whisper me sweet words of comfort and strength,
I know You'll never leave me,
I know there would only be one pair of footprints in the sand,
You will be carrying me home and to safety.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Everlasting branch




Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. It is not His will for us to know what He has planned for us in our lives. We have to seek Him at all times and carry on this journey called- life along with His guidance. It has been years of pain and turmoil. Arguments and bitter tongues that numbed my brain and soul and to the very core of my heart.

Till I see Him face to face, it is my destiny to hand my future in His hands. I encourage all of you, to not carry your burdens alone. I have done so for many years now, and I am older than my age. When I sang this song last week- "Till I see You" by Hillsong, I felt a load of burden in my heart. It was so heavy it was suffocating. I could not sing, it was as though you were living but you are actually dead. I felt restless and I could not sing. I felt heavy.

As I sang it again and again, I asked God, "God!! Where are You? Help me!" I cried out to Him in my heart. And then it was as though it was just a bad dream, the heaviness in my heart left me. I knew at that point that I was given a lesson to be still and know that He is our God Almighty. And we cannot do all things without Christ, because it is Christ that will strengthen us. (Philippians 4:13 )

It is indeed a storm that I am facing in reality. A storm that I doubt my faith in the sea. Just as the fishermen woke Jesus up because they had such little faith in the sea despite the fact that Jesus was with them. God uses different people in different situations. I've had friends who were with me in the past recent years, that have left me now. But I know He has plans for me and my family and the promised freedom is on its way.

With what little faith I have I say, give glory to Him. Give honour to Him; because the branch that you want to hold on to in times like this, would be the hand of God.


Let us trust in Him and live a child in awe of Him each day. Have a great week ahead! :)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Mixed Feelings

I've always been living in an unfair world. Well. I guess I made myself think that the world was unfair to me. As those of you who may have already known me, I carry with me lines and bulging eye bags of fatigue from worry and stress. Not forgetting that permanent frown I have across my forehead. I recently met someone, at first, I felt so irritated because she talks a lot about the past and I said to myself, I've got too much to worry about my future and the things that may take place the very next day, I don't have time for this.

But soon as I sat down to recall everything that she- Cindy has said to me in the few days that we have gotten close, it's like child's play, we met in a "sandbox" (college) and soon enough we were sharing Barbie (topics) and just somehow clicked. I soon got to realize that she's patiently reminding me that the world doesn't have to be that pitch black and cold all the time. Sometimes we just gotta learn to let go.

I could see the scars all over her face and I know she's been through her share of nightmares. I truly am happy and sometimes envious to see her at ease while I'm still battling with mine. But somehow I'm glad that she shares her past with me giving me courage to push on forward. Ever since Karen left, I never really had anyone to talk to about my feelings, and yes sometimes I really do feel like a turtle, it is so tiring to carry such a hard shell on my back when I'm really just so vulnerable on the inside.

When this new friend of mine told me that she's really looking forward to a long lasting friendship (she's been previously hurt by friends on several episodes) it somehow freaked me out a little because I've come so far in this journey alone. I once had a friend, and I depended too much on him that he had to leave me half way in hope that I would learn how to be independent. It has been so long since I have shared my emotions to anyone.

When I sat back and looked at all I have with me now, I realized how much I have neglected the people around me. I have been so headstrong with things in life, that I have failed to see past their needs. I was watching Glee just now, and when Rachel sang "The Only Exception" by Paramore to her boyfriend, she confessed that she should not have tried to control every inch of the relationship. It struck me that I am tired because I try to control everything on my plate.

I came home today, and I read the daily bread on Facebook. I thought I'd share with all of you,

Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. —Luke 12:32


 I realize now that I have been very much a hypocrite. Sharing and telling that we should give all glory to Him, I have neglected the one simple thing He told us to do, "Cast all worries on Him" I pray that this renewed joyful heart would last, I pray that I will not turn back to look at the past when things don't go my way, because I know when I ask of Him, I will receive, maybe just not NOW, but I will when it is time.

Weird, I have no idea if I made sense in this post, but, yeh, mixed feelings. :)


I love you, big guy <3

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Bloodshed

Who would've known
That the word love
Would sting when mentioned?
Do you know how hard it is
To run the race in life
But to only come home
To endless rounds of bloodshed wars
That plays repeatedly in your mind?


I'm not talking about a bee sting,
I'm talking about gun shot wounds,
And slash wounds,
Burnt wounds,
That scarred my mind and to the very core of my soul.

I am tired,
Too tired to run my own race,
Too restless to hold her hand,
Despite the numbing pain,
I was made to give her hope,
Hopes that even I couldn't believe myself.

Have you ever ran
With glass pieces in the soles of your feet,
But there's no reason to scream,
Because the pain has been so familiar,
Have you ever been hurt so badly,
That you would just laugh in a pool of tears?



Here I am,
Still running with her,
Watching everything i dreamed of,
Pass by like a wind,
There's no time to turn back,
No there's no time to save more memories,
There's only running forward,
In hope that we'd find that promised land.


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Denial


I’m still living in denial.
I told myself that I’d get over it
I told many others to get over it too.
The show must go on
And thinking about you just ain’t helping
If it’s true that we are our own teachers
I pray we all have the courage to go on
That every time we sing
We wouldn’t wait on you to correct us
That every time we sing
It’ll be our best

I told myself I’d write something about you
I’ve failed to do that so far
Cause every time I think of you
I hate the fact that you’re gone
I hate the fact that you made so many promises with us
And just left us all hanging
I know you didn’t mean to
I know it wasn’t your intention
You just got called Home sooner than you expected
When we heard what you’ve done throughout your lifetime
You’ve made us wish we knew you earlier
You’ve made ME wish we could turn back time

I get up in the morning
Wishing my Monday classes are still on
In fact, something inside me still tells me
That this is just a joke
That it ain’t real
You said I was dependent of you
Well you didn’t give me time to grow out of it
You said you’d put me through competitions
But you never saw me through any of it

I know as time passes,
You’ll be just a memory in my mind
The father figure I’ve had,
The father figure I’ll always have,
The guidance I had not only for voice
But in life.

I’ll write about you someday
Someday when I can think of you
About the times we shared
About the achievements we achieved
Without so much hurt
Without that sting in my throat
Without that burn in my chest
Without that dampness on my cheeks

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Bernie's Proposal

Seriously, it's not my proposal but I'm blogging about it. Haha! Found my bro, to be a very simple guy, sincere and yet creative so two thumbs up for the successful proposal! You know, watching so many TVB dramas, Movies and etc, I found this proposal to be very realistic, easy going and sweet.












Now, with Jo and Bern done, I wonder who's next! Weeeeeeeeeeee!

New Year 2011

Another year is about to begin.

I think of it as another stack of white piece of papers. It's gonna be up to us to paint it, write it, scribble it, throw it, mash it, whatever. Interesting isn't it?

Colour pencils and crayons,white sheets and papers. They paint them with passion, anger, sadness and joy. We've yet to see what He has painted for us. After each year, I sit down and ponder, that despite the many heartbreaks, I am grateful that I am still sitting here. But have I found true happiness?

Some have found theirs. In fact, those few seconds felt like their entire lives were hanging on a thin line...but when it was all said and done, the warm embrace of their love was enough a reward that would last them a life time. Congratulations to my dear brother:

A full post about this later....

Proposed 01/01/11


I've lost friends, I've gained a few. I miss the ones I lost, the ones I fail to save. I've failed goals, I've achieved some. It still breaks me to know that I failed what I failed. Do new year resolutions motivate us or push us too hard sometimes?

We busy ourselves just to stop thinking. We busy ourselves to stop hurting. We get replacements of everything and everyone. We just wouldn't stop. We don't know how to. We are afraid to. We are numb.

I'll be turning 21 this year. Another year has passed me by, and I'm starting to feel that life is short, and there's just so much I've yet to accomplish, but I don't know if I have the strength. Reading my poem for Jan 1, 2010, I had so much fire in me. Somehow, the flame's just a 'lil smaller now...

I look at myself, and the things I have, the things I own, the things I achieved, am I happy?




Lord, teach me to love myself and others.
Lord, tell me what do YOU want me to do for this new year.