Wednesday, August 26, 2009

New Life

We laugh, we joke, we live life. This is yet another breaking point of mine. Sometimes I wonder when the ugly side of the world would end for me. Sometimes I choose to take it up and say it helps me be a better person. Choosing a degree of my second choice, not able to do something that I truly love, it's the same as my mom having to choose between having to continue having a husband and not. We make so many decisions in life, how many decisions out of the many are the ones we truly intended and dreamed for?

I've always wanted to be a musician as a profession. Yet the many obstacles in life make me do things that aren't the always what I wanted. Tears come and go, as I grow older, tears continue to come occasionally as such tonight, but when you dab a Kleenex on your cheek, you ask yourself, what good is there to cry? Then I ask myself, what is the point of blaming others for something I don't get to have rather why don't I choose to live life as it gives me and make the best out of it?

It is easier said than done. Trust me, I know it. What choice do I have? I sit down and ask myself, is Business degree what I want? No. But can I afford music degree? No. Which one gives you higher chances on putting food on the table for your mother? Which one gives higher opportunities to end your mother's misery as fast as you can? At the age of my final teen years, I have to make decisions as though I am already a family person. Life is just getting harder by the day, happiness is by me through and through but it is not the most of it, there are consequences to phase once one is done, all I care is to do what my mother dreams of me to be, and what I can do for her to enjoy a taste of luxury for a final years in life.

It is indeed very difficult for me to love someone, I have managed to do so for now, it has been very difficult for me to forgive someone, I have managed so, it has been very difficult for me to love a choice of career that is not my first love, I pray to God that You will show me how to love it and how to enjoy it for the rest of my life. My prayer remains the same every night, that may God grant my mother a life of enjoyment, and that He may give me the courage to continue the race for my mom till the end...

I am very scared to move to KL, I don't know anyone and so forth, I don't want to be apart from home, I don't know how long mom and grandma would live. I envy those who have both parents and those who can afford whatever they want. I have pulled through so many obstacles, I must say this is one big one that I am about to face.. and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough.