Thursday, March 24, 2011

Mixed Feelings

I've always been living in an unfair world. Well. I guess I made myself think that the world was unfair to me. As those of you who may have already known me, I carry with me lines and bulging eye bags of fatigue from worry and stress. Not forgetting that permanent frown I have across my forehead. I recently met someone, at first, I felt so irritated because she talks a lot about the past and I said to myself, I've got too much to worry about my future and the things that may take place the very next day, I don't have time for this.

But soon as I sat down to recall everything that she- Cindy has said to me in the few days that we have gotten close, it's like child's play, we met in a "sandbox" (college) and soon enough we were sharing Barbie (topics) and just somehow clicked. I soon got to realize that she's patiently reminding me that the world doesn't have to be that pitch black and cold all the time. Sometimes we just gotta learn to let go.

I could see the scars all over her face and I know she's been through her share of nightmares. I truly am happy and sometimes envious to see her at ease while I'm still battling with mine. But somehow I'm glad that she shares her past with me giving me courage to push on forward. Ever since Karen left, I never really had anyone to talk to about my feelings, and yes sometimes I really do feel like a turtle, it is so tiring to carry such a hard shell on my back when I'm really just so vulnerable on the inside.

When this new friend of mine told me that she's really looking forward to a long lasting friendship (she's been previously hurt by friends on several episodes) it somehow freaked me out a little because I've come so far in this journey alone. I once had a friend, and I depended too much on him that he had to leave me half way in hope that I would learn how to be independent. It has been so long since I have shared my emotions to anyone.

When I sat back and looked at all I have with me now, I realized how much I have neglected the people around me. I have been so headstrong with things in life, that I have failed to see past their needs. I was watching Glee just now, and when Rachel sang "The Only Exception" by Paramore to her boyfriend, she confessed that she should not have tried to control every inch of the relationship. It struck me that I am tired because I try to control everything on my plate.

I came home today, and I read the daily bread on Facebook. I thought I'd share with all of you,

Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. —Luke 12:32

 I realize now that I have been very much a hypocrite. Sharing and telling that we should give all glory to Him, I have neglected the one simple thing He told us to do, "Cast all worries on Him" I pray that this renewed joyful heart would last, I pray that I will not turn back to look at the past when things don't go my way, because I know when I ask of Him, I will receive, maybe just not NOW, but I will when it is time.

Weird, I have no idea if I made sense in this post, but, yeh, mixed feelings. :)

I love you, big guy <3

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Who would've known
That the word love
Would sting when mentioned?
Do you know how hard it is
To run the race in life
But to only come home
To endless rounds of bloodshed wars
That plays repeatedly in your mind?

I'm not talking about a bee sting,
I'm talking about gun shot wounds,
And slash wounds,
Burnt wounds,
That scarred my mind and to the very core of my soul.

I am tired,
Too tired to run my own race,
Too restless to hold her hand,
Despite the numbing pain,
I was made to give her hope,
Hopes that even I couldn't believe myself.

Have you ever ran
With glass pieces in the soles of your feet,
But there's no reason to scream,
Because the pain has been so familiar,
Have you ever been hurt so badly,
That you would just laugh in a pool of tears?

Here I am,
Still running with her,
Watching everything i dreamed of,
Pass by like a wind,
There's no time to turn back,
No there's no time to save more memories,
There's only running forward,
In hope that we'd find that promised land.