Tuesday, July 21, 2009

8 days

Sometimes I wonder why do I do this? Why make my life a living hell and rush over one after another task over and over again? Why not just have small dreams that I can achieve with the optimum amount of effort any normal human being would give? But no, I always choose to the extreme...

I find myself often risking through exams and competitions etc, with just limited time and resource. Yes, at times I do succeed, heck, at most times to be frank. But then again, how often would this succession last? I tell myself that I cannot take each task as gamble, as a fate game... because there are people who are relying on me for whatever achievements that I should be getting.

Back to back piano practice for 3 whole weeks without fail is really wearing me out. At times I cry by the piano after throwing my book across the hall and ask myself what a clown am I trying to become? What kind of joke am I trying to do on the exam day knowing there's no way of making my way through Grade Eight and I'm just gonna make the examiner pissed at me and probably mock me. But whenever I think of okay, let's give up now, say bye-bye to ABRSM and just continue with whatever I'm doing...

Then it struck me that I cannot possibly do that because mom paid and still paying RM 300 every month and RM 500 every month for my piano fee and new piano installment. The fact that she worked so hard to pay off my needs...I just know that fail or pass, I gotta keep pushing on.

I struggle for hours daily on the piano...I don't know where am I getting from here... I stay away from everyone to retain focus. I pray to God that He'd continue to show me the way because right now I'm living on thin line faith and I don't even know where to go from here with the exam kicking in within 8 days. Even my piano teacher gave up on me. I rely on nothing but words of comfort from friends and seek peace from God...I only pray I can continue to strive on till July 30th 2.32 pm and not let my mom's little spark hope get to waste. I'm sick of delaying this, altering that, I just want my life to keep going and in completion of all my dreams. No more sacrifices, I need my life back.