Today the heat is rather penetrating, I'm close to peeling off what's left of me. I hesitated on posting this yesterday, but I think it would be something I want to remember. I got back to Seremban on Tuesday afternoon, and I broke into a run from KTM to ACS. I got my cert the one I delayed for so long, I met teachers and juniors, brief greetings but I think I did pretty well. As I was coming down that stone staircase, you know the one where we'd dread to look at on Mondays, I glanced up towards the library, I was tempted to check out the choir but I wasn't sure if there was practice. I glanced over to the CF room, the urge to play on that lousy old piano was so strong, and to walk through the kitchen and the bible study room where I knew Arnan! Searched in my pocket, whoops, maine's no longer the president is she?

I got to T1, said hi to my faithful optician who is still so patient with me even though its probably my tenth time telling her I couldn't wear my lenses. I went to the loo and then as I was coming out I saw a bunch of boys at the KungFu kopitiam? One of them looked like G, but I was unsure, but guess what? I smiled, I smiled and I skipped, I couldn't be bothered anymore, it was as though I've got wings or something, I hopped to McD's. There's this boy behind the burger rack who was so hilarious, I ordered from the lady, and he yelled "thank you", I looked up and he turned red, hahahaha, then his co-workers laughed at him. The rest of the time he was looking and when I looked he turned. Gawd, what's wrong with you? LOL, perhaps I should come by again huh? :D

I got home (thanks for the ride Mandy), I called Jia Yi up and headed to her house for a "yam cha" session. I don't know why I did that but I just needed to be with people and thank god she didn't reject. We had a brief meet up but she told me enough stories about relationships she's gone through and how she put an end to it when the other party asked for inappropriate things. I envy her bravery, I seriously did. I got home, acted like a nuisance, then Grace kept smsing me to ensure I was alright. I wasn't I told her, its empty, but, I feel lighter I'm over that someone who's been depressing me. I wish I knew Darren many moons ago, I don't know why I said that but yeah, I'm so over G. I'm happy.

I had to do some survey questions for Business assignment. I went over to Xin Yi's and she told me she wanted to go for a drink, I picked Jia Yi up and we went. We landed our behinds at some kinda shop and talked. As we talked, I confessed my trouble of being afraid of the world, they talked things out with me and told me their experiences with relationships and stuff. That's when it hit me, they carried me home to comfort and love. That's what I meant, D. And yes, I got my friends back, but I don't want to lose you as well.

I finished my law test today. Then I felt a lil lonely, because I've not heard from D such a long time. But what am I to do? I stared at my lappy for hours, as I stared at my MSN, well one thing led to another and it was OK lah. I saw G online, I freaked awhile, then I decided to say hi and congratulate his performance. It doesn't matter, I just wanted to prove to myself that I'm able to stand up. I did. I wanted to share this with D but sigh!!! Then he came online. Eventually...talked a lil. The question, do I want to revive this friendship? Excuse my manners, but hell yeah. Sadly, you forgot about that question. Then you told me to let it flow. Sigh, mixed signals, fell back into my box again.

Xin yi said that she sees me each time with much more confidence and changes, Jia Yi said that I have a very tough front though fragile on the inside. They were rather comforting. So did Mandy, who msned and visited pretty often. Grace Kong, who worries over my meals all day. My room mate who always ask me "are you ok?" I think I'm coming out of my shell now. Have a lil faith in me would you? Don't leave, but like I said, "carry me home" when you know I'm too quiet.

The heat is rather consuming, but I feel much better now as a person. I want to cherish everyone I know, and I'm not letting anyone slip away like how I let it happen. Friends, I love you, and you...yeah the you who silently reads and don't tell me how you feel, I love you too, revive us will you? It'll be one step at a time I know but it'll be something I want so badly. People, enjoy the heat though typical Malaysians would be dreading it, but I feel so free that I will tonight. Cheers, "crutches", I'm standing because you guys stood by me

Read the below and tell me would you? My eyes no longer sparkle, my lips no longer shine.. my heart is quiet, too quiet............... don't tell me I'll survive, don't tell me I'm strong, tell me you're here and you'll care for me and carry me home to comfort and love. The days are approaching the anniversary of which family quarrels got more intense before it got broken, the day which my previous loved one was stranded in PD, the days where they all left...I'm getting nightmares, I can't feel anyone's support love and care, I keep having the picture of people walking out on me.... carry me?

Trouble is her only friend, and he's back again,

Makes her body older than it really is,

And she says it's high time she went away, no one's got much to say in this town,

Trouble is the only way is down, down down,

As strong as you were, tender you go,

I'm watching you breathing, for the last time,

A song for your heart, but when it is quietI know what it means and I'll carry you home,I'll carry you home.

It's not working is it D? We don't talk the same anymore, and it's killing me. One part of me is gone. You said to me, "You'll survive" I seriously do not understand the human behaviour. Shouldn't I be the judge of whatever that has been going on? Or perhaps I should ask, do you have to go that badly? You said you did not intend to completely put me out of your stage...well then, hand me my script for I am an actress who has lost all sense of completion in your stage because the script I had has changed.

Putting all my eggs in one basket may sound like a risky thing to you. As for me, I'd risk it. I live a busy life or should I say I choose to keep myself busy because whenever night falls, as I lay my head on the pillow, tears start to fall as I review what life has given me. My friend xin yi, I talk to her about everything. Back in school we'd call each other every single day and hang out most of the time together. Perhaps you've noticed her in church once in a while. I know how you felt when you were depressed because I've gone through it more than once. Back in form two, I met Annie who then left to another state and now we no longer talk. I'm still in touch with xin yi, but its way different now due to distance sake. Then I met you..

You made me see life in a whole new perspective just like how xin yi did. Have you ever felt the joy when you wake up in the morning, and you'd just jump out of bed because you know that life has treated you well and you know, that at the end of the day, your friend would holler and say "hey what's up?" I don't think you do.

It's so different now with you, there is a wound there and I can't seem to identify where and how. To watch you distant away makes me wish I've not known you at all. But no, if I've not met you, I think I've not seen one part of life yet. I spent my days watching your picture on your blog with your hand on the piano, I spent time listening to your repetoire and those around me, it gives me inspiration for music. How I'm feeling now is the same as how the F note on the CF piano is like, where its broken. I still remember whenever I needed that note, you'd reach your hand into it and hold it for me. But now, it remains broken without one moment of wholeness...

Remembered that smile you gave last Sunday as I watched, I wish I'd get that from you too someday. But when you wish upon a star, there's no difference who you are. Sadly, I could only wish...............I'm waiting for my script still...

I don't mean to pry, but seriously, young drivers these days have a lot more to learn about attitudes on the roads. Passing the exams and getting a license doesn't make you an eligible a.k.a GREAT DRIVER, open your eyes wider and check out what's printed right on top --- Probation!!!

Get the picture? If you still don't, look on your left of both front and back car screen. Capital P double dose.

Firstly, if you can't drive manual, beg your mom and dad to get you an auto. I'm so annoyed with those on the hill slope. My lord, they would go backwards and nearly knock my car. What's wrong with you? Just pull the darn hand brake!!!!!! Is it that difficult to do so? You don't know how? - Pull the hand brake, you know that long thing on your left before the gear? Yup that's it. Then release your clutch half way and increase petrol, 50-50. Got it? GOOD.

Next, the funny thing is, you like the speed, yeah I feel your passion. But if you can't control the sterring then why do "bumper car" acts? You increase then you freak and you abruptly brake. Do you even realise how funny you look like from the back? hahahahahahahaha

If you can't park properly, park further away and do a lil walking yourself. I've been there done that. Taking up 2-3 parking spaces is so self-centered of you. Pity me, I find it such a hard time to park properly with my vision plus these behavioured parkers.

Lastly, if you're turning left, put the LEFT signal. What in the world are you doing putting the right? If you wanna stop at the side of the road just to wait for a friend, shut that darn emergency signal, it gives mixed signs. Before I leave, I must say, if you're driving manual again, when you stop your car, please remember to change it back to first gear cos you're getting on my nerves when the car jerks and dies.

So drive safe not drive fast, do it right and do it well. I love us P drivers!
I'm not saying I'm an ideal driver, I have double vision and that adds the spice of fear..

My first day of the week is a total bummer. Seriously, life is rather unfair. I walked into the class with great confidence with the experience I had singing yesterday. I knew that this is the time of my life to make a difference with music. The moment to signature my music. However, before I could even open my mouth to make a note, volcano errupted. I don't even know what happened. The words he used tells me he meant something else, but D told me something else. Now what's what? To my horror, one sentence was all that needed to break me to pieces. People, give me a break please? You folks can teach me a lesson some other day, but not such a time as this. My finals being a week away, the person I turn to left, the person I hope to walk his footsteps left. What's left? Dust.

Trinity will reply tomorrow. Trinity, the one and only opportunity I've been waiting since the start of July 2006. A grade 5. A starting point of what may seem a life of a singer. Well, I'm about to give it away because of what I heard..... because of what I almost become according to him. He said I'm the one whom he thinks he CANNOT help anymore. He thinks I should take a break and think of what I really want and whether music is it. Dude, I've been getting bad news all weekend and now this? You must be joking.

Music, the only aspect where I can find myself when the world leaves me cold, when I cry out in tune by the piano, is advised to leave by someone I trusted. Of course, he did not tell me to do so, but he said I'm at that point already. Its my call. Why can't people have faith in me at all? I'm not timid with music, hell no. But today it was so hurting that when he was done talking, I could no longer sing. I barely managed to whisper. One part of me left me. I'm doing all the sacrifices I can. I'm trying to work it out, but no one believes me. I spoke to many people tonight, trying to get their opinions, trying to make them understand, sadly, they said, "perhaps its not yours.. its not your destiny..forget about it..live your life in this misery and be done with it."

Tonight, is the point where everything is over. Human touch, music touch, my own touch on things and people, all gone in a wink of an eye. I tried to recall the voice who once told me, "Maine, I have faith in you so let's make some noise"..... though he told me that last Friday again, I can't recall his voice and I can't picture the wisdom and courage I had from his lips. The sentence, "that voice just now was horrendous" was a huge wave that drowned me. When my dear Guide tells me about Trinity, that's when I will gather my wits and say, "I have lost the music in my heart with all that has struck me, I will go to that phase you mentioned, I quit."

I quote what Berthold Auerbach said, "Music washes away from the soul and the dust of everyday life."

"Will you be singing tomorrow?" That was the last sentence I got. Well, I'm here though its totally against what I had in mind. When I was done singing, I knew I had to leave, I got downstairs and decided to make myself useful though cucumbers weren't really my thing. Grace knew something wasn't right cos I kept walking back and forth with the cucumber without doing anything about the ants crawling up my arms.

I couldn't help recalling the last few sentences we had last night. I wish I could undo things as to not get you involved with it at all because it hurts me really bad to see you like this. Draining you out would be something I never want to happen. I'm a little more careful with myself now as to not keep things inside me till I nearly sliced my wrists two years ago but I did it the wrong way. I caused you pain. I was so self absorbed into the comfort of having my heart beat at a normal pace with you being around that I have not noticed your sky rocketing blood pressure.

I don't know how to explain the way I'm feeling today, I've been watching you. I see you smile. It felt like, hmmm, smelling a fresh bouquet of roses. I didn't know how to react, because I'd give everything up for you to have that in you. The need to breathe normally with your presence was too intense that I did not realise the harm that caused this friendship. I can never lose you again, because when I was walking in Memphis with a broken heel, you were there.

Seeing you frown and to be too deep in thought about something depressing is not what you're here for. You're a song of joy, a person who has a song in him but may have not realised it. Allow me to mend it for you dear, that matters more even if I lose the highs, at least I'm spared the lows. :)

I could not drive, so I parked at the side to view a proper summary of what life has hit me just. As I hesitated at the mall, you gave me hope, as my knees weaken to step into the alley, you told me its gonna be alright. I took your word for it as I pass through that black curtained alley, groping in the dark I told myself that something good might happen tonight. Perhaps I've been into misery far too long and its time for something new. The minute it started, I was cold. You came. Three fires blazed and it was the start of my torment.

There's nothing for me to deny the fact that I relied on you a lot. However, I finally knew the main purpose of my coming tonight. It's time for me to face the music of the fact that the dusty road awaits my footsteps to the beginning of a new chapter being alone. I knew it as soon as you left at such a perfect moment. Leaving me behind when I needed you most. An act of training I suppose or perhaps you were caught in the middle for so long you didn't know what to do?

I get the picture you've been trying to give me lately. You've made it really clear that its time for me to leave and be gone. I'm timid still but I could feel that my heart is much stronger as the days come but why make it strong to break it once again? I have no one to blame for my trembling in your arms whenever I'm down. Tonight, is far much harder for me to act alright with two arrows shooting at me at once. One from him and now you. I am sorry I disappoint you and I acted like a child. I am sorry for clinging on to you. Never have expected it to hurt that way when you said its time for the closing chapter.

You have never disappointed me once. Though at times I may say it foolishly. I never hated you, in fact, I love you. Many times, words were never necessary for you to understand how I feel. As a result, I can't help it, perhaps the wound is still fresh. You told me once she left you offbalanced and you would not want that to happen to me. Well dear, sometimes its not because someone left you for other friendships but for sake for sake, in my case, you're just teaching me to become independent. Trying to mend my broken wing in hope that I will fly again. But I feel so small everytime I attempt to.

I don't know if I should've allowed this chapter of life to begin at all because it sure hurts a lot more than I expected. It is not merely 2 weeks like you mentioned. It was a wake up call for me instead. Usually I'd leave before I get any weaker or fall any deeper, but this time, it was as though the last bar of a piece was ended with an imperfect cadence, leaving it hanging without a proper ending nor a proper feeling. You wanted to walk me out, I wish I could complete that walk with you, I really do, but the piercing wound was bleeding so badly that I had to run away from it all. As I backed away from you, I stepped on a puddle of ashes, which was when I wished it would've been almost perfect if only I was at X-spot when the bonfire ceremony begun.

The chapter has ended and given me the same outcome. As to not have anyone in my life again and to continue this journey of leech-like misery, sucking me up till there is not a part of me left.

Perhaps I'll hear from you or perhaps I'll not. I sung you a song indirectly the other night. I dedicate that phrase to you now as a sign of gratitude which I will never be able to repay:

Taylor, the latte boy,

Bring me java, bring me joy,

Taylor the latte boy...

As the day approaches,

I long to just remain at the corner,

Hugging my arms,

Clinging onto myself,

And say a silent prayer,

For a closure of all this pain

It has been many weathers,

Many minutes and seconds,

You're still on my mind

I wonder if I am on yours,

And if you enjoy being in hurt,

Or is this the remedy to your freedom from me

I don't care,

I have no luck,

I've tried all I can,

This is how I am feeling,

Lonely and thirsty,

Living in the cruel situation of "its over"

Reflecting the torture chamber

Snapping off my tendons,

Crushing my spine,

I'm all out of faith,

For I am broken,

For the reason that I will never know

I feel no warmth,

But biting cold,

A lonely journey,

Even with many,

But without you,

I'm trapped in a room of four walls,

It will be like you quoted, "Cold Scream"

.....sadly, no one hears me...........

I finally met that particular person. After listening to what D said that sounded a little more than possible... But I was right all along. I knew G far too well to cause hurt over and over again. I'm only human. Why wouldn't anyone see that? No one believed me, no one sided me, no one bothered comforting me........

If there was not intention to meet, why bother asking? The way they passed me by as though I was invisible till I called out. This person daringly said I was not noticeable. What a brutal stab... but G too know me far better by bringing another party to avoid my emotions. Why won't you just disappear silently since I am so hateable? How many rounds of revenge would you like? Told me I needed to be there to watch the performance, I wonder how far away from truth is that?

I got home and to my horror, I was reading that same book. That darn novel, with both G and C in it. I wonder does that person remember the existence of this novel? Where we used to be so thrilled about... it hurts so bad that I wanted to run, run and never look back..run till its the end of me. I am a fighter but I am still human...I doubt I can hold my feelings any longer since I am now at point blank and bleaked..... I believe I have made my point on what I want really clear, but I will never know how you truly felt and feeling now. Its eating me up and I pray you'd notice how much it has eaten me up since you met me today and you can see it for yourself.

I got up this morning...asked D out for breakfast and you know what he said? He said he'll send his cat over to accompany me. Argh!! Poor me, being turned down by five people for just a meal?! I wonder where's the world's mercy has gone.. oh sigh
Alas! my good old granny, who boiled me chicken (white meat only) Slurrpppppp. :p

Got dressed by 12pm since I was gonna go for the concert...I arrived at my teacher's place (next to B-strong shop) but she was still having lunch so I wondered into the music room and played whatever that was there... till she popped in. Apparently her maid did not inform of my arrival. I should be thankful my teacher did not attempt to hit me with her aluminium water bottle, cos I pity the bottle.. haha

The poster for the concert I went for.

Got into the car, met my teacher's bro and my sister tagged along. The journey was cool, jokes and thoughts. We got to the Istana and guess what? We spotted people in jeans and shorts. So much for the formality. LOL. But anyhow, we should be glad we had the poise.

We headed to the counter and waited..........waited..............and waited...........no one attended to us so we decided to go check out the other exit and see if anyone's even here. HAHA, the counter was there after all.

I wonder how can anyone notice that the counter was there??

I enjoyed the concert very much. Best of all, I was invited by one of the singers to dance along with them on stage, hahahaha, if you're too shy to do that, don't ever get the front seats and corner. I had fun doing so though, had to learn how to be sporting. Well, I'm not as lucky as my sis who got asked TWICE.hahahaha

Watching the concert reflected alot of memories of me in choir due to medley they performed. It would be great if I can help the school choir now.... ha....I heard a gal sang Taylor the Latte Boy, I think I'd like to sing that one day. And hearing them today, made me see the wonders of music.

I had so much fun today. I mean yeah I had to rush for my moral assignments and so on it was rather stressful but top it up, I think today was great. I got up to find that it was already 9.05 am and I had an appointment with J and A at the cafeteria for breakfast. Haha, I know I'm not a breakfast person but hey what's food when it comes to company? I rushed like mad but it was worth it though it was a brief breakfast in which I didn't have the time to grab a bite myself. At least I managed to talk to them both. This two boys... I've not really sat down with them for a meal since they came to college.

Old timers.. its been years since I've known them. I'm really glad that they made the first move to ask me out. I've always thought that they've forgotten me. I really enjoy friendships as such cos we know each other so well and you know that no matter how long you've not spoken, there'd be a day where they do call you and ask how you are.

I've met friends here in college. I'd like to know them better. Hopefully there'd be a chance to improve in that aspect. It'll be awesome if I can get to know my mates as close as how I am with J and A.

I got back to Seremban just in time for a shower. Mandy picked me up shortly after that and we went on to pick out a cake for Hau. Got to the Hawaii steak house and we were both like "SURPRISE!!!" Socializing went on wildly as everyone's talking to everyone. lol.. it was nearly nine that I sneaked into the kitchen and got the cake out. Lighted it up with Mandy and walahh... sang birthday songs numerously to Hau. Made fun of her too. We practically sinked her head into the cake. AHAHHAHHA...

I rushed to Grace's aid after that at A & W. She was rather depressed the some what me before. I am still but I can control it now. Knowing she's a freshie on this, I'd be glad to be there for her. She cried her heart out. I could feel the pain, really I could, cos I know exactly how it feels like. However, just needed her to know that I'll be there for her. I gave her the green light that whenever she calls me, I'd come back from college if I have to. No probs on that.

Came home nearing midnight, I missed the online appointment with D. However, I continued chatting with the rest of my mates on MSN. A satisfactory day that I really enjoyed myself. I pray that hopefully mates in college whom I've gotten to know this year, would enjoy such events with me too. Did a replica of it for K on her birthday just not to that extreme. Hmmm.. I wonder who's next? Lol!

Anyways, its great to live life this way. You feel for the hurting, you clap for the joyful. Peace!

I've never met you,
Neither have you met me,
Perhaps we have passed each others by,
But none had taken notice,
Was there no opposites attract?

Both were so far yet so close,
Family ties that were rather bonding,
Your dad's been there to watch us through and through,
My mom's been there to watch you grow up,
But we've not watched each other for neither things

I finally got the courage to meet the mysterious you,
Whom I've heard so much about,
A boy rather cheeky yet respectful at times,
Playful yet serious,
Jolly yet poignant

A mixture of everything,
Seems to me like a pretty good blend,
It would've been great to have shook hands,
At least a sign of acknowledgement that we both exist

You did not wait for me,
Though never met,
I blamed myself,
I don't know if I could've made a difference,
But I wish I had a chance to give it a shot

I was never told you passed,
Though now I know,
I've heard much about you,
Funny,
People I know, know you
But we never met...

I have many doubts,
Questioning other people about how you were,
They tell me you're of no good,
No point being saved,
Who am I to believe when the real you is gone?
There is no proven hypothesis without evidence.
Now... I'm left with nothing but a scarce imagination of how you were.

How would it have been if we met?
How would it have been if I was at least nearby that night?
How would it have been if I could help the situation?
Why couldn't I do something?

I stop and stare,
But I don't see you anywhere,
Because you're gone,
Even before our gazes click...

Wherever you are,
I'd miss you,
A stranger whom I've never met,
Nor exchange words,
A stranger who's given me his History textbook,
Not knowing whom he gave it to,
I wish I knew you,
I wish I met you last Christmas,
I blame myself,
Of being no help to stop the hurt.


A thousand miles away you are, if only the plan to meet was fulfilled.... if I can just see you..
I'm sorry I'm too little too late, I grieve for you dear stranger...

So here we are,I have made my hostel rental payment for the next semester yesterday. This means that I am officially the P3-04 resident till November. I don't know if I've made the right decision in this because I think I'm not really comfortable with the way things are. I have to constantly worry about home and I don't really like the college life here. I find that now being in college I face a lot of communication problems. Culture differences and lifestyle differences does affect. I don't feel like me most of the time. However, I think I developed one value -- patience.

Everything that is going on in campus life is no easy task to handle with. Its not as good as being home where I can say whatever I want and know that whatever I say would not be mistaken as sarcasm and crude. I'm pretty upset to be honest since certain lecturers have the impression that I'm not the kind who speaks of the truth and often think I'm sarcastic.

Rather upsetting really. Sadly, I can't really cope with the 8am classes. Next semester, I'll begin my semi on campus life and travelling. It'll be even more stressful but I don't think I have a choice. I think the only time I really enjoy myself in college was in the first semester where everything was rather superficial. Just adequate. Its not like I'm not happy with how I am now, its just that I realize that I don't quite fit in in the socializing part. Perhaps this is what they talk about life in the outside world.

Hmmm... its a good thing mum understands. But I must make clear that its not that I don't have great friends over here. I do in fact. I'm rather content and happy with them. Communication barrier is something I'd have to work on between mates and educators.

I hope I'll be able to mould myself into a better person. Wish me luck!

This post is attached with one segment of a song that I think suits me best. Waking up every hour at night and being so tired in the day is seriously not something anyone would like. However, I don't have much choice do I? Actually I do, doc's gave me some pills to help with my sleep but I don't think I'd like to take that extreme measure.

Its pretty freaky to get up in the middle of the night because I'm afraid of the dark. Terrified to be exact. Usually I'll freeze till someone comes for me. Last year's campfire was a great experience of being in the dark. Only two individuals in this world will ever know because we were the only ones in that situation. It was the time of my life but it'll no longer be sugar flavoured.

It is indeed the hardest story in which I've never really told anyone. Anyhow, I agree with the sentence that you can't get love without sacrifice. Sacrifices are rather painful. It'll hurt for a very very long time or perhaps forever. You may already enter into another phase in life by then but this sacrifice I made will be my shadow.

I wish you well by hoping that there'd one spur of moment in life that you'll think of me. I'll wish you a little bit of heaven and leave the little bit of hell for myself. I'd like the best for you.

I'm rather grateful of one thing though, despite sleepless nights, I still look alright. Even D couldn't really notice. My panda eyes usually fade after a layer of cream and foundation.I'm thankful that whatever I'm going through will only be known by me and its not showing. Since there is no more from you for a reason that I will never know , there is no hope no love no glory anymore.

Happy ending's over, the panda-eyed me wishes too that I can carry on just not together... when can I get my sleep?

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending,

No hope, no love, no glory,

No happy ending,

This is the way that we love,

It's like forever,

Then live the rest of our lives,

But not together

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life,

Can't get no love without sacrifice,

If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well,

A little bit of heaven, a little bit of hell.

This is the hardest story, that I've ever told,

No hope, or love, or glory,

Happy ending's gone forever more

I feel as if I'm wasted,

And I'm wastin' everyday.

(Repeat chorus)

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind,

Can't get no rest, keep walking around,

If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep,

I can think that we just carried on..

Gee... such a sentimental moment. I totally forgot that I had to replace my english tuition today. My two six year old and five year old respectively. I was not in the mood seriously because I had a tough time at vocal lesson. The kids were rather terrified cos I didn't smile and attempt to tickle them. I led them into the house and sat them down. Checked their homework and told them to colour two rulers since I was teaching opposites-- long ruler and short ruler. Then towards the end, their dad came early so I told him to sit at the corner first while I finish. I picked up a conversation book which wasn't from me but from their school.

I flipped through the pages and randomly picked one for them to read. That was hilarious, it goes something like this:

Hello, my name is PangPang (in chinese it'll be fat fat)
Hi, my name is SouSou (in chinese it'll be thin)

The PangPang part was hilarious seriously. At first the kids didn't notice it till I started rolling on the floor. SERIOUSLY, I DID!!

Then there came a page where it was :

Hello, daddy. I love you

I taught them separately this time because I saw their dad look up when I read that phrase. I asked the elder one, Jun Jie to point to me where is his daddy but he shot me the deadly look. I asked who's that man who's sitting over there? He said his my papa, so I asked what is papa in english? I had to coax him to say it out loud. He turned pink after that. So I let him go rewarding him with a waffle and jelly.

The younger one, Jun Wei was my next victim. He too read the phrase after me. However, he couldn't really get the meaning because he had difficulty reading the mandarin transalation. I knew the transalation well but I refuse to expose my knowledge in Mandarin. I do that pretty often, I'll just act blurr and silent whenever my friends converse in Mandarin. There was once in school where someone talked behind my back in mandarin, I merely turned around and smiled asking them in Mandarin, " Are you done?"

Since Jun Wei didn't get the meaning, he read the phrase sweetly. I told him daddy is papa. Then he roughly got the idea and similarly refuse to point me his daddy. So I said please pass this book to your daddy. He obeyed and went to his daddy. His daddy was over joyed when I said, "Jun Wei, call daddy." He did. His dad guided him through the transalation, word by word waiting for his youngest son to repeat after him slowly.

Pa pa, ni hao ma? Wo ai ni

Those were the exact words. When he completed it, his dad was so pleased and touched that he had to carry his son up and bid goodbye.

I'm glad I did something good today, because saying Hello, daddy I love you is something I could never bring myself to do.

I remembered really well I told him not to. But I got a message telling me that he did. I called by the way, but it wasn't what I expected either. The party I called didn't say anything much. I was pretty puzzled throughout the conversation as well. It was pretty short, probably about 38 seconds, yup, I checked. I don't really understand what happened but I'll just have to wait to find out.

I wonder what D said to him and I really really really X10000 want to know the exact words he used. I was pretty blurr with the messages I received. Sigh, two men on the phone. Gee.... the world can turn backwards and its not impossible.

I still don't get what happened but I'm hoping...

I knew there was a test today but I couldn't bring myself to study last night, many things occured so I had to get my mind off them books. What an excuse eh? I read a lil last night. Well actually I planned to study till midnight then sleep, but the book became my blanky till the next morning. hehehehehe....

I got to the library by 9a.m, then I sat down near the Engineering section? So I was reading and reading, then I noticed my hair was falling. I gripped a lock of hair (obviously not the dropped ones) and began to grumble. "What the? You dumb hair...bla bla...." Satisfied, I looked up and guess what? Mr. I was in front of me. Oh my God, what an embarrassment. He sat down in front of me giving me a wry smile. Gee, I think I turned pink. Hahahaha, usually in college I'm the dude who cares least about hair.

Anyways, we got to silence and started studying. I wondered why he's so quiet this time. You see, he usually would be nominated for the most annoying person's award. Till he begin to drum his fingers on the table...!! It was time to go since K messaged me saying she's already in the hall. Mr. I and I left the library, hmmm, he actually held the door for me. Never noticed his manners before. Or was it because he got up the wrong side of the bed this morning? We arrived at the hall, the door was open we popped our heads in and said "sei lor!!!" To those of you who don't know cantonese, it'll be "die lor"

Rushed my butt down to the stage of the auditorium to throw my bag there and get my pen, grabbed a copy of the exam paper from the table and got a seat. Lecturer S really panicked me. I looked at the questions and it was a double "sei lor". No idea what it was talking about. I calmed myself down and answered the best I could. Then I said a prayer.

The hall was freezing, my fingers literally turned blue. I finished whatever I could and then Karen gave me the are you finished look so I nodded and we both got up. I was so blurr. I nearly tripped my way down, just imagine? I'd roll down the steps and land face down on the mountain of backpacks on stage. HAHAHAHAHAHA. However, that episode did not take place. I got to the table and I was even more puzzled. There were three stacks, one stack for unused paper, another two for the answer sheets we were to hand in. So the two stacks were identical, suddenly I had a panic attack of stupidity thinking that I should answer the same question twice???

Don't you just feel like knocking my head? I wasn't even standing properly. I probably look like a drunkard down there. I stapled my papers all together and placed it where Karen placed. Turned around to take my bag. I took up someone else's and was staring at it. HAHA, I got mine and then walked out. I was busy replying SMSes after that. Oh and you know what? I lost my way to class. Pretty blurr, K was my walking partner thank god.

The test was really really really really really hard. Questions like explain absolute values, categorical imperative and I was like HUH? This is what I got for not revising enough. I'll have to work my way up through my remaining assignments. Sigh

When I got to Economics class, I turned into a nut. I started laughing at everything. I think I'm eligible to say this...


I AM OFFICIALLY.................................CRACKED

Its time for me to distant myself I know and yet I still felt so comfortable talking to him. He already made it clear why am I so stupid? I can't believe I told him my laxative incident. What an embarrassment. I must be firm this Sunday. I cannot cause him to have me as a burden anymore. If he does want to converse with me, I'm sure all my means of contact he has a copy of them already.


I'm glad he dedicated these three lines for me though:

1)would an acquaintance send sms even though he knows his credit is dangerously low?
2)would an acquaintance spend so much time talking to a person online even though it doesn't please his parents?
3)would an acquaintance go all the way down to kl just to be with you for a
concert?


Tough situation....

Please feel free to slap me back to reality.

You may do so by simply typing the word slap to my comments

The gut feeling that has been bothering me for the past few weeks was finally certified. I was right, she wasn't too keen on us. I won't be stating initials this time because the person who's reading this should know what role to play in this situation. I was pretty taken aback when I was told of the idea that she has. At the same time, I didn't know what to do. One side, I don't want to get you in trouble and you always leave me hanging when you said, 'no I'm not in trouble.....yet' On the other hand, I enjoy your company, thoughts and care in which I don't think I would want to lose out on that.

I'd like to say I understand how she feels. The battle of the sexes should be the title of this post. I cannot deny the fact, the one true fact that it is truly a blessing to have met you. Its been nearly four years now and I've never really known you till recently. There's so much in common and vice versa, conversations with you are my food for thought.

I'm the outgoing kinda person, and I really enjoy your company. You asked if I had any confidante whenever I'm down. You never really realised that that person is you. I find it so hard to tell you that, because I wouldn't know how you'd feel because it may not interest you.

In a nutshell, I am guilty, I'll admit it myself that I am truly happy having a friend like you. And yes I am innocent by the way. I don't want to be distant but I don't know if I'm allowed to be close anaymore either. I don't want to get you caught in the middle. Show me a sign will ya?

Regardless of the outcome from you, I'd just like to say that you've shown me what's the meaning of a friend in need is a friend in deed. I'd love to fulfill that appointment for a cuppa. I am so sorry I got you in suspection for something in which is not even happening.

I don't know why all a sudden I miss G so much. All I ever wanted was a friendship. I don't know why I had to be rejected from a friend to be a friend. It hurts too much to bear. I feel so ugly, unworthy and scarred. I thought I could brush it off my mind, but lonely nights as such, its not easy. I wonder how that person is doing, is this what you really want? Is this what you think is best? Isn't there another alternative?

Why must all good things come to an end?

I do not know how long I can put up a smiley front, its eating me up and soon I'll be nothing but dust from where I came from... I never knew there would be a friendship that I may never have for the rest of my life and the person whom I've met would just disappear from me forever.

I believe I'll never get over it because I'm not that kind of person. It'll be a pain that I will make sure that I will carry on with me till the end of time. Because it is a drug. Its bad for me but I cannot let go either. Walking through this lonely journey, my life may be filled with all sorts of happiness and decorations but there would still be that stab of pain piercing in me every single minute of my life. I know so because G taught me so. Never to let go but I was cut out instead...

Teardrops will flow at most nights till there isn't anymore... I doubt it'll ever stop cos I'm not planning to let it stop.

That person will most likely be happy but I doubt I will ever be

I woke up at about 7a.m. thanks to my sisther's annoying alarm clock buzzing my head off under my pillow. Sigh, seriously regretted getting a queen bed to share with. Lol!! I had to meet Grace Kong at 8, gee....... when will I ever get proper beauty sleep? I SMSed her to beg for mercy to let me sleep. She called me a pig and told me she'd wait till 9am. awwww.....!!

SADLY, the minute I shut my eyes, the alarm buzzed AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess its pretty obvious now on who's the pig. HAHAHA, kidding. I dragged my lifeless body out of bed with my eyes still shut and headed to my brother's room instead of the bathroom. It's a good thing I didn't brush my teeth against the computer keyboard.

Walked out and this time with only one eye shut. Got into the bathroom lingered around a bit for no reason at all and then decided to be lazy -- not wash my hair. HAHA. Stood at the door told my sis to smell my hair to give it a quality check. ---APPROVED! :D

Took a shower and dressed up with a teacher look,dumped my lecture notes into a canvas bag and walah!!... the car is mine for the day. Hehehe..Headed to the parking behind the store a.k.a Lee Sam road. Got off paid for 3 hrs parking and called Grace. Met her and unexpectedly Pei Shyen and Jia Yi was there too. Had a drink and landed our butts in the library. I had to run through some math questions before I teach today. I wouldn't want to teach the dudes something else would I?

Bout eleven we decided to leave for Jusco but had to make a stop at the new The Store for Jia Yi to collect her week's paycheck. That was funny, I wanted to turn right and head towards Courts Mammoth traffic light and go on to Jusco but they said turn left. So my signal was right ,left,right,left. The cars behind honked me out of my seat.

We decided to karaoke. I was rather nervous cos its been awhile since I've sung with a microphone and with a minus-one and not forgetting with friends. So I declined all offers for the first 30minutes, then Grace shoved the remote at me and told me to sing something. I chose 'Bad Day' since that was the recent one I've heard with a friend of mine. That went well and then another and another came by.

I sang: - Bad day
- Bleeding love
- A whole new world
- Angels brought me here
- In the begining
- Wake up call

Phew!!! And I had to teach after that. But I really had fun. Singing with the mic was like a mini concert, cool. I wish I have a chance to be on stage and do it for real. I felt so energetic I actually ran from the karaoke to the tuition centre to teach without panting at all. I FELT LIKE A NEW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I slept at three in the morning working out my tuition notes, I got up at 8 a.m. I was lingering about still in my nightie then I decided to go brush my teeth before I stink the whole floor and take a bath. I walked out in my bath towel as usual, well usually I do that because I'd be done before anyone gets up in the morning. And so, I walked out........just to realise everyone was walking about getting ready for class and the boy's block next to us could look over pretty clear now since the sun's up. I didn't know what to do. And I'm always in my embarrassing mickey mouse towel.. Argh!!

I got in my room, changed and I remembered I didn't do my laundry. So I rushed to the washing area and scrubbed like I've never scrubbed before. Rushed over the rinsing and alas! I poured the bucket of soap onto myself. Oh dear, and I didn't even have an extra pair to change into.

No choice, went to class with that horrible sight. After class I decided to print my assignment which was due today. After printing my roomie exclaimed that it should be exceeding 15oo words and I only had 1349. Oh crap!!So I rushed back to the room and editted my assignment. I carried my pail of laundry to the tumble dryer three floors down and two blocks away. No coins!!!!!!! I got to the mini mart nearby to exchange for coins. I gave her two ringgit change and asked for 2 fifty cents. What was I thinking?

I went back and asked for the other 2 fifty cents. Sigh!! Got to the dryer and found out someone left their clothes in there. I had to empty the machine myself. Ewww... Lingerie included. Finally, I could pop my clothes into the dryer and ran back two blocks and three floors to finish my editting.

I finally finished editting and decided to save into my pendrive till my laptop played tricks on me. It refused to save in the laptop, pendrive or anywhere.

I sent to K's e-mail and didn't work at all. Everything was not working. Clock struck 1.20pm and I had to hand in by two pm. I re-typed the whole assignment within 15 minutes and it was hell seriously. I typed so fast that I felt as though I was undergoing training for "The flight of the bumblebee"..

I got to the printing shop five minutes before class. Clicked on the "print" button but nothing came out. I got the same result after the second click so I asked for assistance. The boss filled in papers and then two copies were printed. Obviously, I told him I didn't want the other extra. He kept looking at the papers with dissatisfaction. Talk about ethics?! It was his mistake not mine. However, with his dumb act staring at my hardworked assignment I snapped.. " Forget it alright, I'll pay for the extra to satisfy you. Now take this and hand that over."

I got to class just in time to hand it over to my lecturer. My hands were trembling terribly by then. I barely had dinner last night now, no breakfast nor lunch. Sigh, and worse of all, I've not packed my luggage at all. I excused myself slightly earlier to get back to my room and took a quick shower and gather my things.

I got into the car and hit the road all the way back to Seremban. However, when I reached Rahang, a motorcyclist knocked on my window and I gave him the "What" look. He said something I didn't get after a few minutes I made out that he claimed our car brushed his hand. So as far as I was concerned there was no such thing. Because when we were caught in the jam 10minutes before he came by, there weren't any motorcyclist at all. We ignored him but I could see mom was getting worried.

When we were out of the jam spot in Rahang we noticed that he was still trailing us from the back. Demanding us to stop. I told mom to keep going and try to get him off our path. We drove till the traffic light before Giant? He became so agressive waving his hands in front of our car telling us to stop. Mom swirfed and sped off into Giant and then sent me to my teaching institute. I called our trusted family friend to help us out since mom was at the verge of tears... Uncle X told to go to the police station. But mom had catering to finish. So I suggested she get home immediately and park the car inside the house and lock all doors till its time to send the food.

I got up to the tuition centre still worrying. Called my sis to get home to mom. Sigh what an unlucky day....!!!!

I accepted a job that I shouldn't have. The fact that I'm not good in those subject is enough to kill. The education of those who would be attending my class is in my hands. Though I loved teaching, though given the lecture notes I can somewhat make out of it, I can't teach just like that. However, it was a help needed by a close family friend in which I failed to say no. This whole week I've got myself into a lot of things. Assignments especially.. sigh!!

Anyways, I arrived at the tuition centre obviously freaking out since I've gotta teach a bigger class now. Walked into the classroom to see bout 25 dudes? I walked straight to the front and the voices of them gossiping eventually died down.

Me: Goodevening
Class: Goodevening

So then they looked at me really awkwardly. The silence was defeaning so I decided to give it a shot and break the ice..

Me: um... One quick question? Am I in the right class? cos I was told to teach english here..
but no one seems to be talking to me.. and um.. should I speak a different language?

The class giggle a little so then I said " alright guys ready to start yet?Any questions you wanna ask me before I start the lesson?"

The minute they heard the word "guys" a smile curved up on their faces. They asked for my name and so the class begun.. I walked around a lot, gone to each individual explaining as much as I can wherever they didn't understand. Two indian boys were giggling and talking whilst I was teaching so I turned around and asked "What's so funny? I'm not pretty enough to teach is it?"(with one hand on my waist)... if so then I'll just go home now......" ---the class rolled with laughter. HAHAH

So they denied (thank god!!!) So then I said, I don't understand tamil though I'm indian but I don't want to let you know what I know and what I know is something that you don't wanna know. So then they freaked and kept quiet.

They cheated me by saying that their teacher would give them the answers after reading it once. So I said it wasn't fair. We came to an agreement where I'd do one question and they'd do one. So cute!! Like little kids..

I cracked more jokes here and there and soon the English class was over. They left and I could hear the boys telling someone out there that the teacher was pretty. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!
So sweet...!
The girls came to me and asked if I'd come back next week, sadly, no

Science class was hilarious. The first ten minutes I confused myself and them between exothermic reaction and endothermic reaction. It was a class of five. So I decided to sit down and stop the teaching pose and discuss with them as a group. I enjoyed seeing them looking at me so attentively and giggled at my examples..

So the Haber process cannot have too high temperature for the ammonia will decompose. It has to be just right. In a way, if you're a size M and you insist on buying L you'll probably be pulling your pants up every few steps or else.... (sneaky laugh). Buying a size S will probably make you turn blue and faint before you even get anywhere. Hence, "ngam ngam" I said. 450C would be it.

An hour passed, it was time to go, I couldn't finish the haber process's summary, but to my surprise they asked if I'd want to teach on till the next day cos they'd like to stay on. OMG!!! They're like the sweetest people I've ever met.

I really enjoy teaching.. :)

At that very moment when I was crying all alone again, I cried my heart out like a little child who's lost her blanky taking advantage that my room mate has gone to take a bath....
Amazingly, D's SMS popped up unexpectedly:

"I have faith in you, maine, so let's make some noise , I may not be able to help you with your music exam, but I sure as hell won't let you drop what you love that easily."

Smiling, crying and laughing at the same time with my tear stained cheek freaked my roomie out. K was like.. "OMG, are you crying? Oh dear... I don't know what D does to you when you guys chat you always end up like this."

Though the remaining few tears managed to escape the corners of my eyes I smiled and looked at her, "you're gonna have to read my blog to find out" She did and I showed her the loveliest SMS I've ever received. She understood then.

I thought that was it, I decided to see if D left me a comment on my page as well. Unfortunately no, but K and my other friend AJ left me comments that were uplifting as well. Honestly speaking, I've never had a chance to experience that much encouragement before.

It was a bittersweet moment because I poured out my sorrows and I've failed to put it back in that hole in which I used to keep them all in and at the same time I've found friends that cared and comforted me when I needed it the most.

this feeling i'm feeling now is a rich blend of bitterness but yet a touch of sweetness..

I would never have believed that I told D my deepest fear in life. The pain that I've kept with me since December 26, 2005. I never realized that I've still not gotten over it. It was the day Dad told me he didn't want me anymore. My Dad, the person whom I've trusted most, I've always been the daddy's girl. But that week was the worst Christmas I've ever had. A situation where the brutal truth was thrown out in the open that he must go away abandoning a family, abandoning his only daughter.

................."you can take maine with you if you want."
"No, I don't want to, I intended to send her away to MARA till this happened. I was supposed to be gone from this house before she returned.''

Send her away? I felt as though I'm sort of a product or something. I never could shed a tear in front of my family nor friends. Because it shows weakness and I'm not going to let that happen. The few days before he left, I sang whilst playing the piano, dad no longer made remarks nor sing along with me. The day he left, I'm on my own now..

It was never easy to be the tough one. But it wasn't the matter of whether you like it or not its my duty. I took it and I believe I did it well too. As the years gone by, slowly my friends and close relations came to know, it was harder to wear the mask over my face.

Metaphorically, it hurts that bad with me for music. I've loved dad so much but yet he decided to take his bags and leave me for good. Though I still see him occassionally, but we're now distant.

I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep was what sung by Aerosmith. It fits me real well because I don't want to be conscious when music does depart from me. I want to strive for it. Fight for it.. But............... ah............... the human nature..there's always the word but in everything.

But I don't want to go through it alone. I've been alone for far too long standing up
for so many things... I need someone to work hand in hand, someone who
would hear me out and let me cry whenever I can. To be myself again and not that
girl who would wait till the wee hours of the morning to cry herself to sleep.


What I need is just as easy as ABC... mutual understanding with one individual who shares the same passion. An individual who would say, "maine, you can do it, i have faith in you and let's make some noise"

Yes, rhythms,vibes and melodies are my limbs and the tendon that keeps my tongue connected to my mouth and that keeps me alive. Daniel Powter's Bad Day isn't enough for me. Though it'll be an ideal performance if I ever get to run through it.. but that's not my point in here. Its not just a bad day, is whether I'll ever step out of this bad day.

I've opened up a healing wound today to you.... a wound in which I thought would heal by now but so far have failed to do so.

I need it, I long for it more than anything. D, I don't want a person who listens just because he's always been given that responsibility to listen. Or maybe you're just too nice to say no. That's not whom I'd like to share my ups and downs with.

Lord, will you make my fantasy a reality? Cos I'm dying...


And dad, I'd like to say that I love you cos I was never given a chance to say so and never
will.

To those who are reading my blog, I'm so sorry I'm such a depressing pig, I shall try to post something happy and funny to laugh about.




It is you who can help me step out of this, when will you be coming?

First and foremost, I must warn those who are reading this post that it is rather rather long. I'm sorry but I've just got too much to say. And if you don't think you have the time to read it word by word then don't attempt it because you won't get my meaning in the end.I've stressed on certain lines for those who can't get the idea of what I'm trying to express.

In the end, I've decided to watch the competition. It was pretty boring at first but then the event started to sink into me. The songs the contestants sang was as though it was a message sent to me. It all started when my coursemate sang Angels brought me here...

"It was a long and winding journey,but I'm finally here tonight,
Picking up the pieces and walking back into the light,
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies,
There's nothing like that feeling when I look into your eyes,
My dreams came true, when I found you,
I found you, my miracle...."

My heart lurched when I heard those words, its not like I've not heard that song before but somehow it hit me that it was talking to me about my passion for music. It has been quite a journey to where I am today, especially for piano. Though vocal was something I attempted in the recent years, it felt as though it was eternity. I suppose I felt so because singing has always been a part of me.

A girl sang "I want to be inside your heaven"...

"I've been down, Now I'm blessed,
I felt a revelation coming around,
I guess it's right, its so amazing,
Everytime I see you I'm alive,
You're all I've got,You lift me up,
The sun and the moonlight,
All my dreams are in your eyes..."

I know all these songs are for lovers but so what? How I long to dwell inside the haven of music. It is a never ending journey filled with excitement, hopes and dreams. It hurt me so much when I sat there for about 5 hours? Unknowingly, I sang along with the contestants, thank goodness no one threw me out of the concert. I was as excited as the contestants. I could really feel the thrill of being up there. Music is all I've got. No doubt in that.

The duet session began and a pair sang "A whole new world"... reminded me so much of myself when I was 8. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in the previous posts but yes, this song was the start of my passion in singing after I sang "Baby one more time" by Britney at home. I remembered my friend Anna and I sang Amazing grace acapella version in a family camp few years back. Not forgetting the time we entered ACS Idol singing "True to your heart" . When I got the Stevie Wonder part, I felt so alive.

Though the songs performed today were merely for romance, it felt like romance between me and music. Yes it sounds awkward but that's me with music. It is pure love, so sacred that I am so intimidated to touch it at times fearing I may lose it. At times music to me is just like a bubble, if I'm not careful enough, I may just lose it with a pop. This is what I feel like right now..

So I wondered what D said in the earlier sms, its not worth doing something I'll regret. At that moment my heart beat faster, I could feel my mind spinning so fast that I could just blackout.. I really want to do something about it. Then I heard "Because of you" by Kelly being performed which lowered me back into my dilemma.

"I lose my way, and its not too long till you point it out,
I cannot cry, because you know that weakness in your eyes,
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life,
My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with."

If only I had much faith before trouble appeared, I believe I'd be able to handle it. But like lyrics said it wasn't even whole to start with pointed out that I've never really seen my own potential as a whole in the process, not once. Its really upsetting.

Throughout the concert, I wrote till my hands ache, thought till became numb. Wrote and thought of things that was not of my concern. I pictured myself if I were those contestants singing those songs and how I would've done it.. Its rather absurd since I didn't attempt the audtition and now planning to quit voice..

With that, this song came into mind:

(James Blunt's Carry you home)

"Trouble is her only friend and his back again,
Makes her body older than it really is,
And she says its high time she went away,
No one's got much to say in this town,
Trouble is the only way down, down, down

As strong as you were, tender you go,
I'm watching you breathing for the last time,
A song for your heart, and when it is quiet,
I know what it means....."

Do you know what it feels to me? Many may think I sound dramatic but its only the truth. It reflects as though music will breathe in me for the last time because trouble would not leave me not for a second...and its high time I went away...because I feel so tired of encountering problems over and over again. My inadequate music capabilities, money, time constraint, help needed, being new and alone in this area of music, I feel that I'm just too young to be handling all this.

Towards the end, my coursemate did not win, but to me, I felt that he won. The courage he had to strive till this far, the challenge he took to sing in front of so many people would be something I ought to learn if I ever were to be professionally involved in music.

I really don't want to quit, trust me, that would be the last thing I'd want to do if given a choice. However, I feel weaker day by day, and as Will Young sang in the song "Leave right now"..

"I think I'd better leave right now,
Before I fall any deeper,
I think I'd better leave right now,
Feeling weaker and weaker,
Somebody better show me how,
Before I fall any deeper,
I think I better leave right now"

Metaphorically, you've found the man of your dreams but you know it'll never work between the both of you. Before you do fall so deeply in love with him, you ought to leave. For those who know me well enough, I've already fallen so deeply in love with.......... Needless to say, its gonna hurt really bad if nobody show me how to find a solution out of this complicating mind boggling situation.

I'll never know whether the grass is greener on the other side with music if I quit. I will regret it I know but for now, with everything going DEAD again for the UMPTEENTH time, it seems the best to do. However, I pray that something will turn out right and may God show me the way or send me someone to help me out of this.. IF that really happen, Rascal Flat's God bless the broken road would be appropriate,

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars,
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road,
That led me straight to you"

My road is broken, would anyone take my hand and together help me out of this?

Before I'd forget all the details its best I post this blog now. As those whom I've informed, I was given an opportunity to perform for my teacher at a performance in KL last Saturday. It was great!!!

First of all, D was invited last minute since I met him online. Amazingly he said yes. Then, we both got lost in One Utama trying to locate parking lot fourth floor. From M n S's boutique to Giant, we were in cold sweat as we were late.... phew!!!

Finally we found my teacher, hopped into his car and headed for the biggie. I was then told to play for worship. I was like okay cool.. Till I saw the scores with the wrong chords I was like OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!

D was keeping his cool as he stood next to me like a walking piano dictionary who literally told me the chords without much attempt on the piano himself. If it wasn't him there I think I would've just sat at the bench and pray that the ground would suck me up. Well apparently as I was about to sit on the stool provided, the stool was fixed too high in which I almost stumbled forward. My foot could not reach the pedal. And it was a keyboard in which I'm not really okay with. And guess what? MY BUTT WAS FACING THE AUDIENCE!!!!!


When it came to my turn to perform, I turned ice cold. I felt so low without anyone to give me support, thank God for D's presence. I really appreciate his support. I went out there and did my thing.

In the begining of worship I kinda lost all the tempo of the songs. Amazing grace was being dragged worse than ever. As for the accompaniment performance, I forgot how to end the song specifically as how my teacher told me to. I went on and on and I could feel the pressure on the crowd not knowing when to clap since I hadn't stopped. HAHHAHAHA it was really funny.
Knowing I did a mistake, the minute the song ended, I grabbed my book and was in a position to run for my life.

However my teacher whom had the authority with the help of the mic, told me to take a bow and mentioned my name. Aaaaahhh!!!! I got back to my sit next to D and prayed for the best. D calmly said that its all over now, but my hands were still shaking. Well, duh!! I almost ruined my teacher's show...

During the intermission, my teacher said I did okay. I was like, thank God!!!!!!!!!!

We stopped by at Dunkin's for a bite in which someone was too shy to accept one. Hmmm... it was all well after all.

Today was a day filled with a mixture of everything. I entered my hostel room around 8.40am. Could you believe I spent 3 hrs with my room mate, K downloading songs and singing them? When I attended my class, Economics by the way, my coursemate who's gonna be performing in a singing competition tomorrow was asked to sing in class. It was great. I had fun listening and hearing what my other coursemates had to say. Or rather, I was glad that I didn't have to do anything related to academics for that period. Lo and behold, I was dragged into the mud puddle as well.

They coaxed me into singing. Just as I expected, my fingers started to shiver as though I was left stark naked in Iceland. I was dumbfounded not knowing what to sing with all eyes focused on me. I decided to sing just the chorus of my coursemate's chosen song A whole new world...

I almost got off pitched but I improvised last minute trying to save my dignity. LOL. But I enjoyed the experience of actually singing Porgi Amor in class after that. I found it a little offending when they looked uncertain with classical typed voice. However, towards the end all's well that end's well..

Back in my room, I found a webpage that allowed me to download tonnes of piano scores in which gave life to my devillish thinking of D. I saved so many songs that I fail to count them. HAHAHA, I shall coax him into playing.

Its K's birthday by the way. Walked all the way down for papaya, but K came up with the idea of treating us for Pizza. So we ordered, got back to our room with J tagging along. How can she not? Its food, her reason to live. Ate and ordered second round. Could you believe that?

We ordered a bowl of worms dipped in ketchup with balls and more wings. LOL.. that's if you get what I meant.

It was a pretty cool day.

I've never thought that I would have that passion for voice again. Seriously, my plan yesterday was to tell my teacher that I've decided to quit. Period. However, on Sunday, D offered for practice before my vocal lesson and I have no idea why I went for it. I arrived at his place after having a session of annoyance with the guard at the guard house who could not even tell me that I was supposed to hand in my driver's license. I was pretty annoyed with the way he looked at me.

Anyways, driving off from the guard house to D's house, I almost run the plastic cones down. Well what do you expect? I was fuming then. I was tired and hungry. I popped my head in cause he refused to answer whether his mom was alright with it. Guess that was no turning back so I hopped in....

Me: Auntie
D: See that wasn't that bad...

Anyways, D immediately landed his behind on the piano chair and started playing my piece. The pangs of nervousness hit me as my hands begin to tremble with apprehension. I had to sing there and then. No more shelter behind the door of my teacher's studio. I'm out in the open now, and D's residence was a villa style and yes, I assume it wouldn't be difficult for my voice to travel to the rest of the neighbourhood.

I couldn't really give my fullest soprano voice but I managed to not crack. Everything was smooth flowing till D came up with an experiment as in to sing a song that I was darn familiar with from one key to another in ascending. LOL!!! But I had fun.

Apparently somebody was having a bad cough for quite some time. I got to know when his mom said no to that thirst quenching chilled apple juice fresh from the refridgerator. Regardless of the fact that he may have already spread the disease to me, he attempted the drink again as his mom popped out for a phone call. No offence D, you need lotsa practice with your acting.

You see, his mom came in just in time as I finished my sentence...

Me: Your mom said cannot drink ah!!
D: How does that affect my cough?
Me:(I gave him the you want to die look)

Then D in some way, put the box at his side, hello?? HAHAHAHAHA, how can that ever work?

Practice lasted for about 3 hrs. Till he begin his convincing act

D: Why can't you just bathe here?
Me: No, I've asked too much, I'll bathe at Ian's.
D: Why our toilets are so unworthy for your use? I'm offended, I'm offended on behalf of my family.
Me: What the??!!
D: You stink, get away, go to the loo!! You stink ewwww!!

Oh sigh, what am I suppose to do with this dude? I left shortly after that (without taking a bath) and headed to Ian's. I sneaked into the bathroom had a jolly good time till my phone started singing, "I think I better leave right now" I was dressing up when I think I heard someone trying to get in the door(studio). My first expression was like "aaaahhhhh!!!!"

Anyways, the lesson went on well. I think with D's help I managed to open up my voice faster than my usual self. I was told I've improved, etc. Hopefully it continues to. I've never felt so alive with singing till that day. Hooray to that and hopefully my career path would be it too.

Thanks D. I will remember to take a bath at your place next time. LOL!

N/B: I felt rather dizzy the other night, I went to bad earlier than expected, I didn't even get the chance to take off my specs or change into my jammies but I just lied and slept. My phone rang, it showed : xxxxxx House, so I answered, the voice said, "Maine, can you come over to my place now? So I asked what's up? Anything urgent? The voice only said, "Heck yeah, come now." I drove there to that house and then I nervously stepped into the house and found the person who called me and this lady. Then the voice said, "Let's start practicing now" and headed to the piano, then I said huh? Its impossible you're not allowed to. Then the lady said, "He's allowed to now" It was so overwhelming that I just couldn't believe my ears, I dropped my keys, my phone, my purse... that's when I woke up, it was a dream after all"