Thursday, July 10, 2008

Opened up a healing wound

I would never have believed that I told D my deepest fear in life. The pain that I've kept with me since December 26, 2005. I never realized that I've still not gotten over it. It was the day Dad told me he didn't want me anymore. My Dad, the person whom I've trusted most, I've always been the daddy's girl. But that week was the worst Christmas I've ever had. A situation where the brutal truth was thrown out in the open that he must go away abandoning a family, abandoning his only daughter.

................."you can take maine with you if you want."
"No, I don't want to, I intended to send her away to MARA till this happened. I was supposed to be gone from this house before she returned.''

Send her away? I felt as though I'm sort of a product or something. I never could shed a tear in front of my family nor friends. Because it shows weakness and I'm not going to let that happen. The few days before he left, I sang whilst playing the piano, dad no longer made remarks nor sing along with me. The day he left, I'm on my own now..

It was never easy to be the tough one. But it wasn't the matter of whether you like it or not its my duty. I took it and I believe I did it well too. As the years gone by, slowly my friends and close relations came to know, it was harder to wear the mask over my face.

Metaphorically, it hurts that bad with me for music. I've loved dad so much but yet he decided to take his bags and leave me for good. Though I still see him occassionally, but we're now distant.

I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep was what sung by Aerosmith. It fits me real well because I don't want to be conscious when music does depart from me. I want to strive for it. Fight for it.. But............... ah............... the human nature..there's always the word but in everything.

But I don't want to go through it alone. I've been alone for far too long standing up
for so many things... I need someone to work hand in hand, someone who
would hear me out and let me cry whenever I can. To be myself again and not that
girl who would wait till the wee hours of the morning to cry herself to sleep.

What I need is just as easy as ABC... mutual understanding with one individual who shares the same passion. An individual who would say, "maine, you can do it, i have faith in you and let's make some noise"

Yes, rhythms,vibes and melodies are my limbs and the tendon that keeps my tongue connected to my mouth and that keeps me alive. Daniel Powter's Bad Day isn't enough for me. Though it'll be an ideal performance if I ever get to run through it.. but that's not my point in here. Its not just a bad day, is whether I'll ever step out of this bad day.

I've opened up a healing wound today to you.... a wound in which I thought would heal by now but so far have failed to do so.

I need it, I long for it more than anything. D, I don't want a person who listens just because he's always been given that responsibility to listen. Or maybe you're just too nice to say no. That's not whom I'd like to share my ups and downs with.

Lord, will you make my fantasy a reality? Cos I'm dying...

And dad, I'd like to say that I love you cos I was never given a chance to say so and never

To those who are reading my blog, I'm so sorry I'm such a depressing pig, I shall try to post something happy and funny to laugh about.

It is you who can help me step out of this, when will you be coming?

2 lovebites:

J E E N said...

hey! cheer up! you aint a depressed pig whatsoever. a blog is where you can pour all your feelings to! =)

Karen said... always here with ur pintu suka hati. hahaha....we can hv pizza again ;p

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