Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Fall

Everybody's changed. Frankly, I thought whatever we did last year would make a difference, and things would be better this year. Yet, things are like worse than before. I'm 19, and I'm older by 2 years. Sometimes when D greets me in the morning with the blunt, "what are you doing here" hurts me. I do understand that he meant that out of care but its just a little piercing sometimes. Now that I'm about to leave school, problems just rise and it creates a very upsetting moment for me to be leaving school. It's just so painful to see that whatever I've tried to do with them last year did not make a slight difference at all and despite of that it deteriorated the situation.

How much do they want this? Again I ask, why is serving Him different within school compound and the church you individually attend to? What if He was different that way too? Wouldn't we all have doubts in Him too? To those who battled with me last year, now that she's not exposed the full truth about what took place, have you no dignity for yourself and for those who fought with you to explain to the innocent minds about what TRULY happened?

I know CF has changed my whole life thoroughly and forever. In fact, it has changed me more than how going to church on Sundays has. I believe, I've learnt to be a better person ever since. But to watch them making a fool out of this CF hurts me so much. Do they not regret when they finally leave school? That they have done nothing but to disappoint the Almighty? Have they REALLY put in enough effort to try to make a change? Is that the best they can come up with?

I'm not saying that I am very eligible person and a person who always excel. I've had my falls too. In fact D is one of them who had been through my period of failure and depression. This is the same thing that has happened to the CF, aren't you going to stand up and do something about it? Is rebellion really something necessary? For mere past vengeance and her misunderstandings that has led to this? Is this true? Or is there more to it? Then why don't you guys make her see what we saw, or are you telling me YOU DID NOT SEE WHAT I HAD INTENDED FOR YOU LAST YEAR?

Holding a position so high up, reminds me of the priests in the temple in the Bible. Are you mere statues? Or are you going to use that authority God has given you based on Luke 10:19? Or you enjoy the fame and doing nothing? Isn't it time to see this CF grow? See that LOVE PAYS WITH HOPE? Isn't it time for you to reach out to those who need you the most? That listening ear that once we gave each other last year? What has happened to that bond? What has happened to unity? What has happened to doing stunts together?

I don't want to see the teacher like this. I don't want to see everyone moving like snails. I don't want to see us not being on front line to fight for Him. Why should we fight among ourselves?? But then again, this is WHAT I SEE, WHAT I WANT, and I am not the DIRECT contact of the current CF... I prayed so hard, pleaded to God to show them the way or tell me what is it that I can do...but I'm just so lost.

Dear Father, I really want this Seremban to have a revival among the youths. They are the hope of our generation. Lord, I pray that you would open the eyes of their heart and let them experience your pain, and let them know what you want them to do...and Lord, if there's anything you want me to do, I'd do it for you,Amen

Friday, April 24, 2009


I hate tears,
Tears are like the most painful thing in the world,
I teared so much that it hurt to tear more,
My eyes are swollen,
My thoughts are blue,
I lie in bed all day,
Hoping there would be a way,
It's just so painful,
But the tears just keep coming,
Flowing rivers streaming down,
Endlessly, bitterly,
My hands bruise from my clenching and unclenching,
My body shiver every time I recall the pain,
My tongue is scald without the need for heat,
My soul is dead and cold,
Rivers of tears would soon turn into blood

Monday, April 20, 2009


The days drag on miserably.
I'm in so much pain,
Though I'm not wounded,
I wonder why am I so depressed,
A type of life that does not resemble me,
I heart for joy and happiness,
But it seems too far out of my reach,
Don't know why you didn't come,
Don't know why it is not mine to own...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Vanilla Shake

I wish I knew how you feel, I wonder if you know how I'm feeling too. The times we shared is what I recall. I don't know what made everything go wrong that we barely spoke nor kept in touch. I tried, I called and I text. Coming up with the lamest and silliest questions I could ever think of just to hope to hear your voice or to have my phone buzzing with your text message. You used to care so much even when we quarreled you'd call me back endless times begging me to hear. We used to stay up together to complete our revision even though we were miles apart. I got so comfortable with you that you're the first person on my mind every time I have something to share. Your care used to be so warming that it would last me for days. Now we barely smile, we barely talk what more hug?

Having you away and being inconsistent puts an ache on my nerves. Then when we finally meet, the pain being there far too long explodes the moment I set my eyes on you. I wonder if you ever do notice me around. Maybe you would when I'm gone. Every night I struggle to do what we both promised we would do at 11pm. Every time I pray I feel so alone not knowing if the commitment still exists. You said you carried my letters everywhere, I wish I had one too. These days we quarreled so much I feel cold when I'm with you... you've not hugged me for close to two months and seeing you these days you're like a total stranger I don't know how to respond.

The last message you text me was for work. Correct me if I'm wrong because I feel that I'm nothing but work whenever we come together. Is it true that because they don't understand us and stopped us makes you feel that it is logical for you to stop too? What about me? How would I feel? Sometimes I wonder if you would ever realize. I wish you knew how much I missed you, I wish you would be there for me as you've always been. Sitting at the corner of the room reminds me of how warm it was when you were here. I wonder by the time you really have time to think of me, where would we be on this face of the earth?

You used to accompany me till I fall asleep...now you're the reason why I can't bear to shut my lids at night...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

My lion...

I'm really happy with my music progress. Yesterday I sat down and just put myself in the position picturing I am performing with 3 other bandmates to sing Lion Sleeps Tonight. Just a blank paper and mechanical pencil infront of me and walahh.. I got it! I'm so happy... the pictures that ran across my minds were confusing... A bar... drunkards... girl strolling at the garden whistling.. mother singing to the baby.. a girl fearing to love again..it's just all it.. :D

"Hust my darling" reminds me when mom used to calm me down when I cried over G in the middle of the night... ".....don't fear my darling" tells me that everything's gonna be alright. Believe it or not, I wrote whatever I felt... and how my lifestyle is.. especially the "awimmoweh" resembles my busy schedule..on going never ending... and after the choir, it marks an end of my not letting go... "ahhhhhhhh (soprano) " my life slows down to a paceful tempo.. where normal human beings could breathe in.

Many many reasons why I came back for the choir. Guess that's just me... not wanting to see the cf fall...not wanting to see anyone disappointed, stuff like that. But this time, my coming back, I'm happier. I had cooperative people. They are more humane, and I enjoy my work, really. The challenges of music, voice difficulties... obstacles of coordination. It feels like paradise whenever I work with so many voices.

Exams are nearing, and their competition too. Everything marks an end... everything is about to end. My life is about to end. I told my sis that we both ought to go on a vacation after my exams. I confessed to her that I may be strong and tough but losing him has been haunting me ever since he left. My life is a drama and it's not OK to pretend I'm OK all the time. So yeah she's taking me to Langkawi after my exams. She understands me best cos she's been hurt the same way at the same time too. But she's found her new love. Mine's yet to come. A new life is going to begin very soon... I don't want to forget those who are involved in my current life, especially D, J, and many others... I just want to forget the painful past and be able to admit that "the lion sleeps tonight" and will never wake again.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


No it's not okay,
I cannot be a fool,
Please do not make me call you again,
It torments me even more,
I am recovering very well,
So hush my darling,
Don't remind me darling,
That you are not my baby.

Don't strum that guitar,
Don't hum a single tune to me,
What's not for work,
Lay it off far from me,
Leave, get out,
All you memories,
All the things you said,
Promises you broke.

Yes, my license is expiring,
And I can't wait for it to expire,
Before my feelings for you aspire,
For that will be another dread to pay,
I wanted so much out of us,
That made me still remain at where I am now in life,
Tried to move on but still standing here.

So go find your new love,
May it blossom well,
I only want you to be happy,
But please do not torment me,
I am nothing but someone whom you mistrust,
I want nothing but my own life back,
And only hope for pure love to return someday.