Sunday, January 29, 2012


 Picture taken at Central Park, BU, PJ.

5 days passed and he finally called. I am somehow afraid of technology. Through the Internet I know what he was doing and everything else. This is not about a cheating partner! But it would've been simpler if it was.. This is about me not being able to tap into his life, understanding and even joining him in doing what he likes or enjoys. To me, there are still too many gaps in this relationship that leaves me on the dotted line of insecurities.

I am not an expert in relationships. But after two years of being with someone, I would really expect to know more about that someone by now. Am I having high expectations? I really don't know, as far as I'm concerned, I don't think so. I want to be that someone in his life that when he thinks or hears about me, there's a sparkle just like how I would have for him in return. Forgive me if I sound as though I am trying to conquer his life, but I just want to matter.

I can feel the walls of our relationship cracking little by little everyday. But all I do is look forward to the more opportunities that we can spend time with each other. I'm not really sure if it is wise, but I was hold on to the fact that there is something called love that brought us together. Question is, is it still there or are we just lying to ourselves? If it's a lie, I really don't want to step out of this lie, if it is reality, I really am afraid of this reality.

I probably don't make sense at all in this post, but these are the questions that have been clouding me for several days now. Ever since I completed my internship, I just had so much time to think and to decide what I want to do in this new year, but matters like this, I can not afford to make a mistake. Am I in love or have we fallen out of love or have I been the only one falling in love every day?

Is a relationship really all about the 3 month mile stone where the honeymoon period ends and everything becomes dull and routine-like? Will I be able to commit my life to someone whom I seem to have run out of topics to communicate with? Or am I getting bored of this safe relationship and yearning for some hot juice drama?

It is all so blurry, thick and messy like a puddle of mud. I truly care for this person but I am unsure if it is a right choice. I am sick and tired of trying to have him be accepted by the family.

Most of all, I am tired because I feel all alone even though I am not alone. I feel loved yet unloved at the same time. I feel cared but abandoned.

Friday, January 27, 2012


I danced, I laughed, I smiled,
Your gaze was locked with mine,
Those were the days when you knew you fell in love,
Those were the days I knew you fell in love...

The endless hours of conversation,
It felt like there's no tomorrow,
The skyrocketing phone bills,
Our furious parents,
We couldn't care less,
Those were the days...

You held my hand for the first time,
We walked into the night and sat by the swing,
We watched kids pass by,
We witnessed the glorious sun go down,
And as the moon rise up,
We were with each other,
Those were the days...

Two years have gone by,
You are still by my side,
But that hand that once held me,
Is not the same as how it once felt,
The endless conversation,
Has found its ending,
And I have failed to find the beginning,
To even try to begin with...

However, some things have always kept us together,
I will never know whether it is by the power of the Almighty,
But I am here still because I am certain of my own heart,
That I have fallen in love with you since the day you wrote to me,
And I have loved you even more each day...

I wish you would come back to me,
The whole of you, not just the tangible you,
I pray you'd see it in my eyes that my heart aches to be loved,
And that I want to grow old with you,
I yearn for a little more comfort from you,
To end my misery of having you as mine,
But not quite mine...

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Old Flame

Met up with a close friend of mine yesterday. If you have been following my blog since early 2008, then you should know the infamous, D by now. D came back from the States a few weeks ago and we finally had the chance to catch up, if you're reading this D, thanks for the coffee and yes I am still not used to Starbucks. Haha! :P

Good ol' D, always giving me space to share my thoughts and feelings, it wasn't long till we started talking about someone whom I use to know pretty well. Somehow it got me thinking tonight, of some things I have shared with this person. He used to be someone I could share my worries with when we were still in school and soon, one thing led to another. Unfortunately things turned ugly and we are no longer in touch. I remembered during those messed up times, there were exchange of words that one may not be able to move on...

However, I want to give credit to my darling even though he may not be perfect too, one thing that he did that made me realize for the past 2 years, is that when he set his eyes on me, he set his priorities straight too. I was once very insecure between him and his best friend, and he did all he could to assure me. That was something that we couldn't have back then, I always felt insecure. Its so different now with darling.

The future may seem shaky for me and my darling right now, but I sure am very glad that Z came into my life. Though I moved on pretty well before I met him, whatever we shared and still share is really so different, so fresh that I have no room to keep the past in mind. I thank God for taking control of things in my life, and knowing what's best for me. Even if there comes a day that we both may fall out of love (I hope not), I am just very contented with the memories I have of us in my heart and mind at this present state.

As for that someone I used to know, I pray that you will find love and that it will all work out for you. I still care and I always will, thank you for being a good friend when I needed one back then. I hope that one day, you can leave all the hate and anger behind and remember some of your old friends, and I sure would like to be one of them. :)

This is a night for me to again, count my blessing. I am very blessed with a pretty lame but loving darling, and a buddy who still listens to all my crap after all these years. :P

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Happy Ending Wish

Today I was having dinner with a close friend of mine. We chose to dine at Lavender's. As we entered the restaurant, I fell in love with the decoration and settings of the place. It wasn't long till I started thinking to myself, how great this place would be if I were to be proposed to here. I suppose my imagination went wild after watching quite a number of romantic movies. But then again, as I look at my relationship with my other half at present, this is what I really hope to have one day.

The journey with each other have not been the least easy since the beginning. I guess this is what people meant by opposite attract. It's been over two years now, and in 3 months we would be approaching our 3rd year together. As I watched these movies, I wondered, will I have my happy ending some day? Perhaps 5 years down the road as I read this post again, I'd feel all foolish and immature but this is what I'm feeling right now, a 22 year old girl on her 3rd year relationship.

But I know no matter how much I want this happy ending to happen, God is in control, and that if it is His will for us to be together till the end of times, I'm sure he'll work something out between the both of us. It is indeed very difficult for me to put my whole trust in Him. I really love this man, and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. The flaws we each have, they come in between us without fail. The more we tolerate, the harder it becomes. There are times when I felt that I have sacrificed too much for us. There are times that I just felt like giving up and move on with the things I love in life. But I'm still holding on to the words my loved one once said, "I love you, and no matter whether you can sing or not, I still love you." Simple words, but they meant a lot to me. And I hold them dearly to my heart.

What the future lies remains unclear, but I do pray that we both pray to Him to continuously bless us and teach us to appreciate each other and to love each other more. I pray that someday, this little happy ending of mine would come true. Silver and gold I don't require, but a loving family is what I pray for. Even though mom and dad are divorced, but they gave me a loving family for the past 15 years of my life, and I'd love to give that to my children and theirs their own too.

Let's hope this happens some day! :)