Friday, October 31, 2008


Today, I had quite a day with the CF dudes, not forgetting the Mewahans attended and the extended help. It didn't go very well, but its was pretty satisfactory to all of us. But I just want to express my feelings and thoughts about someone who was or should I dare say, is still going through this camp with me?

He and I, we came back with an objective, a mission and a vision yet, along the way, I felt him slipping away. I struggled to push that thought to the back of my mind but today I just can't, the image of him just kept running across my mind. I'm so tempted to ask him what's going on but everytime I dial his number on the phone, I hesitate to go on because I don't think I'm prepared to hear whatever he has to say.

I miss him. Really. I do. I miss how fired up he used to be for CF and how he'd call me, D, and J just to catch up on how things are. Now.... I don't know where is he, how is he, what's going on in his life. It just feels as though, I do not know him anymore. Is this another phase of life where another person walks out on me? I don't know.

The news I had yesterday about grandpa, the problems that had been occuring with the CF lately, my exams and stuff like that........ I wish he cared. I never needed him to come all the way back to help me out physically or anything like that but rather, to be the listener he always had been for me when my parents got divorced or when I had a breakdown in other things. Was it something wrong that I have done? Well, even if I did, I guess I will never know.

I must admit that I am a disappointment to this brother of mine, for I am a failure. Along the way, I thought whatever I did was right and would bring us the outcome we both thought of. Now, my hands and feet are tied and bound to the grounds, I can do nothing no longer, and only surrender everything to God and fate and life and whatsoever. I feel abandoned in this event, I just needed him to care and not just care about the event but rather, care about me, and not be like the rest of them who pass me by......not realising how tired I am and not acknowledging me as a human being.

I want to call you..... but our friendship is so close yet so apart. I can only say I'm sorry, because I am a failure. And I don't know how long I can pull through these two weeks on my own now that you're not here......or er.....inconsistent... I just needed some support. But if I have disappointed you so badly then, I'm sorry, S. Maybe I shouldn't have been the one to share that vision after all.

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