Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Thursday 8/10/08

Exams are just around the corner and preparing for it is just so darn draining. I don't know why I'm in such a mood where nothing else mattered and I just want to sit down and do nothing about everything. ..

I'm confused with my own feelings as well. Have I really let go of my past hurts? Am I really set free? I seem to work myself out to avoid such exhausting questions to haunt me but now that everything's falling into place, that little empty space in my mind is starting to fill up with those thoughts again.

Having crushes doesn't mean I've let go of things but at least it is a starting point of another chapter. But then again, the fear is still there and will be there till the one appears. J told me that G is treating him pretty nicely nowadays. I'm worried and I'm losing that grip I have with J. I know I have no right to judge this man who once was part of me. Yes, even for J, I'll soon have no right to say anything as well. Very very soon, just a matter of weeks. I'd like to say my service is done and accomplished but once again, I have failed to draw the line bewteen ethics and emotions.

I have allowed myself to step in too deep and now when it's time to come out and draw the curtains, I bring along a bag of mixed feelings with me and that lingering sense of worry. I kept reminding myself that I am here because of S and because of what we both thought was best to do. S reminded me repeatedly that the time has come for me to end it, it will have to end after the event, be prepared, it'll have to end......

Nothing is stopping me from letting go my work as an Ex-comm guiding them in anyway needed. But everything in me is stopping me from not caring about them that much, especially J. Time's running out for them for the event, as for me, time's running out for me to work J out and at least give me an assurance that he would not be hurt, fall, and disappointed again.

I know my presence is no longer needed and my departure mattered to them. Thus, I am slowly stepping down putting everything back into place as though I have never returned at all. I believe after the event, my presence here and now will remain faint and it would be their turn to lead the wind instead.

I don't need any recognition, I just want them to see how beautiful things can be. Sometimes its not the results that matters, it's just how you be strong for it, continue having faith and strive. As for J, he is still very insensitive, and it hurts sometimes when he doesn't know how to yet after so long being with me... but maybe it's just for the time being, I still have a lot of hope and expectations and faith in him because he's quite a tough guy.

I don't know what's next awaiting for me.... but now till the 25th November, it's still another bit of journey to pull through. Till then, it's time to start yet another new chapter for me, sometimes I wonder when would it be the last page of this book.

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