Friday, April 13, 2012

Once Home

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I never knew it would hurt that bad to talk about it. I thought I would have put it all behind me by now. But it still hurts like a fresh wound. That very day when you walked through that door with her in your hands. I couldn't set my eyes on her. At that moment, all I ever thought of what mistakes I would've done to deserve all these. Where was the love at home? When did it start going out the window?

You were so proud when you introduced her. Like she's your gem, the love of your life. What about what we had? Didn't we go through thick and thin to be where we are today, where you are today? I had to smile, I had to look so carefree. The look I gave and always would have gave ever since the day you walked out my door. That one thing I vowed to do when you decided to pack your bags and leave, I swore I'd never cry for you. I pretended you never had an influence in my life.

I remember that fine day, I woke up, I fell off the stairs, I sprained my foot and I was wailing so loudly. You came up to me and told me to shut up. From then I knew, the man who would carry me to bed was never there anymore. From that day I knew the torch I always carried for you, was switched off and will never be lit again. 

My feelings aside, you hurt your love of your life. How she suffered, how much pain she had to go through and for me to be with her reminding her of you with my presence each and every day. I hated myself. I hated the truth that I live your blood. I was ashamed of myself, my body, my name. But I couldn't hate you, no, I never once did. I still loved you but you never knew. You always thought I was after your money. You always thought I'd give in as long as you given me money and the things I wanted. There was only one birthday you actually tried to think of what I would like. Only one. The rest? It was all money. I never liked the things I bought with that money. They meant nothing to me.

I miss those Christmases we used to have. You'd take me out for my favorite meal. You'd be so excited to open the presents I got you. How you fumbled with the wrapper, you were never a patient person. Can love evaporate in time? Can it be forgotten as we grow older? Could it be transferred to another person, a sudden desire to love another person and not the ones you once loved?

She look like me you know. The eyes, the smile, the dimple. But I was never perfect for you, was I? I was never good enough for you. You told me you regretted not spending time with me. You told me that day. Isn't it 6 years too late? Where were you when I was heartbroken from broken relationships? Where were you when I didn't know what to do with the only one I have close to me when she was hurting? Where were you when I needed prayers? 

Now that I'm older. The walls I built around me becomes thicker, more complicated. Sometimes I don't understand why I'm here. Sometimes I wonder when the end will come to all these misery. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to give her the love you used to give her. I try and try again but it will never be the same. You took a piece of her heart away when you decided otherwise. You are so happy when I introduced you to the love of MY life, but did you know how hard I struggled to try to love? Did you know what I had to go through to trust someone else? Did you ever know how much I loved you? How for once, I wished, you'd just come back to us, and tell us everything will be alright, that nothing has changed. But till today, I'm just some one's daughter, who's pa forgot to pick her up from school anymore.

1 lovebites:

Grace said...

it's a tough journey. my husband walked through your journey, i empathized and learned how he survived it. if he can do it, you can do it too. buzz me anytime when you feel hurt again. love you loads. *HUGS*

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