Friday, September 5, 2008


Hold on there sir, throughout the outings today, I do not think I have overstepped the border. I was merely joining the crowd who were teasing you so happenly. Hell, who knows what's going on in your life, not like you are a very transparent person to begin with. You made it sound as though I am the verdict behind these curtains of your stage, hey, it wasn't me who started the rumours of you being hooked up with her. Really, I think it is rather unfair of you to judge me so because others have done the same, I don't see myself different because you have treated me indifferently from them all. So, I was just getting the ball rolling, in which a ball they started rolling first throughout lunch.

I've always been someone who craps, well, if it took you so long to realise it then I'm sorry, because that is what I do to get to know people I was never close to as such today. The way they started teasing you sounded normal to me so I went along with it. If it hurt you then I have nothing to say. The funny thing is the text message you sent, "You know so little yet talk so much"That was rather rude really, because you don't know what I know and I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE who teased you today. I was just one person among the persons whom you were with today. You said I have no idea about you both, well then, why take it so sensitively? No one's accusing you both to be seriously in a "it's complicated" relationship, no one seriously accused you of having something for the other... geez, worst of all I was the one who swallowed your time bomb. Why end your text message there? You've always been so ambiguous, because you don't want people to really know you?

It wasn't anything huge today. But I sensed it for quite some time already. I never would understand why you treat me so unfairly relative to others you know. Perhaps I'm not in your good books? Well, maybe. I don't know, but enough is enough, you think no one knows how you truly feel, but my dear, it's all written on your face really. You see, everyone is able to hide their feelings but there'd be an extend where you won't be able to hide it anymore. I was pretty shocked to hear many saying that you're depressed. Wake up dude, everyone knows now. I just want to say, you don't want to tell me anything it's fine, I don't want to force you, but I think I deserve fair trial here. Level me up as the rest of them then you'll see that I did not cross your limit after all.

These days, talking to you is suicide. Rather upsetting for me really, because you used to be that someone special I could talk to and confide into. Now, at some point I feel ashamed of myself for trusting you so much, yes I know it's hurting to say such things but it's hurting very badly. I feel so naked now, because I exposed all about me to you. The trust I have/had in you makes me feel out of place nowadays because you're becoming even more unstable. You are very depressed, and you're losing your grip. You scare me very much now, you're so fun and nice to be with at one point and then after a sip of juice you'd turn into Mr. Hyde again. I really miss those days we used to be alright really, I was telling J today, that I don't think I can communicate with you anymore. He too said that he is very tired of seeing us both not seeing eye to eye for most things. He told me to tolerate but today after leaving your home, I screamed so loud in the car, and he spent most of his time trying to stop me.

I don't mean to be mean. I wanted to care. I always wanted to tell you that I'd be two steps behind you all the time but why pin point me at most things? Yes I am a little girl most of the time and a puppy minded person but hey, take a minute to ponder will you? I have feelings too, and it wasn't me who started all these, they started it and I just wanted to blend in. I'm sorry if I offended you, but it was for mere conversation sake. If anyone would've taken it seriously then it would've happened long ago. After much I've confided to you, you think of me as a different person. I'm really sad because you're so hard to please and unstable lately that I'd try to avoid you most of the time. On the contrary I feel that I speak to JG better. He's a lunatic but he treats me as a somebody. I don't mind you lashing out at me if you're upset, but give me a reason to face this. Seeing you it's like sitting for a major exam, I don't know what to say to get the conversation GOING and RIGHT for you, I don't know what to do to make you INTERESTED in the outings we all go out for, I don't know you anymore, or should I say I never knew you after all? All I can say is, you're getting out of hand, you cannot control it anymore. Everyone can see it in you, they're talking to each other wondering what is wrong with you.

No one will ever know who you are even if you read this. If you've become into this new you because of reading my blog so frequently back then when I was so darn depressed then I have no one to blame but myself. I blame myself for whatever happened. I think you'd like me better last year when you never really knew me. I think you'd like me better when I was a nobody to you. Perhaps, it would've been better. What's done is done, I told you all my secrets all my feelings all my everything, I willingly exposed my bareself because I wanted to be true to my heart and at that point I knew you would be a genuine person I could trust.

We had quite a lot of fun today, we always did no matter what, it was joyful. Now it's just sour.
One weird thing is, you love hearing me say "I hate you" to you. Funny, if you despise me, shouldn't you say that? You find the thrill of forcing that sentence out of me even if I never meant it anyways...

I'm very very very scared of you. I'm so scared of you I tremble most of the time underneath the table whenever we hang out. I miss the old you, it was just two months back. But if this is what you want for yourself, then I have nothing to say. J told me to suck it in, but he told me he knows I won't hold up any longer, he said he noticed the biasness too. But no worries, I didn't tell him anything beyong superficial. Alas, you never told me anything beyond superficial as well. I'm tired of being blamed. I'll take the blame myself this time. You take care, I will learn to be a mute. I long to talk tell you more about my music, but I held my tongue for so long because I don't think you'd care anymore. Again, sorry if I've offended you but I'm dumbfounded. I don't know anything anymore. I'm a somebody you know... at least I hope you know.

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