Monday, September 8, 2008

Distant Land

I'd like to say I'm sorry, I'm not at all interested in working with the choir this round. I don't know why, I just lost the fire to do it. Yes, I know you are mad at me for saying this and I've promised more than I could keep. I tried going through the songs you gave me but I just can't. I've lost my passion, I've lost my confidence. I don't feel like doing it anymore.

All a sudden, I feel that I should really consider not taking my exam in December. The lessons I had wore me down, it does not inspire me anymore. It's too robotic. I don't think I like singing anymore. These days singing is just nothing to me. I can listen to the radio for hours but I just won't sing a word. I sang the other day in CF and I heard myself, and guess what? I hate my voice. I feel disgusted. Why? Let me quote my friend, "that's a mighty good question" because I don't know.

I don't want to sing no more, I don't want to memorize lyrics no more, I don't want to learn new languages no more. You can fire me all you want but I'm just expressing how I feel. I've not sung in a few weeks now, your songs I mean. I went to church and I didn't feel like singing. Something's very wrong with me. I go to lessons but you are not as how I expected you to be. I know I have no right to expect but I just wished things would be as how it was back then when there was laughter whenever I cracked and there was trial and error and most of all, there was FUN and pure JOY.

I feel so monotonous. I know you're going to think I'm crazy. You told me before I had the voice for it but I don't think so because you used to show me how I sound, it's weird to me you know. Singing soprano is not my kinda thing just so you know, and I fear the way I sound, really, I fear it, it scares me. But no, you taught me what classical is all about, you taught me what I fear was something beautiful. You made me love something I thought was ugly and you made it so right. Now, why now? It's not that anymore. I was flipping through my books for my exam last night and then I asked myself, "What are you doing? What do you think you're trying to prove?'' I don't like the composition I have with me....

I don't like it, why take it? I used to like it, now I think I lost my soul for it. I feel so "kayu" so robotic doing it... ughh.. I'm disgusted with myself. I quote one song we should be singing in the choir next month "Distant Land" because I feel so distant with the pieces, my voice, and most of all the human touch.

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