Thursday, September 18, 2008


I was tired today, but one thing good, my lecturer was so kind to let me pass up my assignment on Monday or else I would never have made it to CF practice. In addition, he let us out of class 15 minutes earlier. 1.45pm, with my rate now, I'll still be late, so yup, I went against the rules and hired a cab, hehehe, mom will kill me I know but what's done is done. I told the man, KTM in less than ten minutes can you do it? He was like with the (got money for sure can lar) look and escorted me to his car. Well, it was worth the money at least, RM 10 for a 8 minute ride, boleh lah, worth it for the sake of time frame.

I ran to the other platform and waited for the train and finally arrived, reached Seremban, I wanted to run to school like how I would usually but sigh... as though I'm parked or something, can barely budge. Anyways!! Got to CF and things went well till they started to get restless, they were so exhausted, poor peeps, I wonder what happened in school today. All I knew was my neck was kiling me, thanks to me falling asleep on my test paper and getting up every hour trying to complete it.

They read my blog, I wasn't upset about them reading it just that I wanted it to be dead. I'm pretty much tired of people reading it and gaining from it but not me, okay I know I sound selfish but I'm tired. I don't want to feel exposed anymore that's why, because it feels as though they are ripping me apart for their own benefits and leaving me to fall apart each day. I'll apologize to them tomorrow the girls especially innocently receiving my bomb but of course the worse would be you know who.

I'm not obliged to but I want to, why? Because nothing is the end till it is the end. Pessimistic? J was previously, but yesterday night I told him to quit, he told me he will never do that, not again. B was once like that too, now she tells me whenever I call her on Wednesday nights how she feels and stuff. It's good to know, it made me feel good for them. I don't play a role in this in the end of the day, but I'm very happy to hear of the outcome in them.

But today, they were so confused with the littlest decisions and wasted a lot of time, it was no biggie really but I wasn't feeling okay, the minutes swift by and it was so hard to act OK with me feeling hot and cold at the same time, smiling at them, coaxing and comforting was something I have been doing for quite some time and it hurts me to see their faith still missing. J wanted a testimonial session tomorrow, I supported him with it, it's good to hear he wants to change something, he was trying to coax D to join along but he refused as usual, sigh..

Why did I cry? Well it was nothing personal. I was just very very tired, and I really wanted to play along but I wasn't prepared with the sudden change of songs, it's probably my third day of "fasting", and everytime I want to get things done and systematic and updated, one of them will have an objection, really, everytime. So............I was breaking down just now, I'm tired of hearing them say why they can't instead of trying to abolish the cannots. Sometimes I wonder if I'm invisible to them and if they remember that I'm with them all the way?

There it is, all said and done with. I have a lot going till December. The best part of it, I've not bothered looking for a pianist for my exam nor practiced. Yup, I'm an idiot.

CF is not an obligation but it is just the need of drawing each other nearer, and in case you don't know it yet, I love you peeps, so for Pete's sake, get something going, do something, don't wait. It's funny how we judge CF and not knowing it. Work it out as a family, it's either you afloat or you sink.

If you still don't get it, then I don't think you understand your theme for "From the inside out" just yet.

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