Friday, September 26, 2008

Last service

Yesterday was a day that I lost myself literally. I had no control of who I was yesterday and I had no idea what was wrong with me. After CF Jieg and I managed to spend sometime with Shaun at Wendy Kopitiam in Parkson. And yes, I thank God for making him come eventhough there was a moment Shaun could not make it for CF. Though I told him it was alright but when Grace and I finally sat down to relax and work on the accounts, the power circuit cut off. I messaged Jieg, he came in within seconds and said that I should not have switched on all four air-cons. That was it, I was hating myself so much for not remembering that point after being in CF for so long. I just sank down on the floor and was dumbfounded, I don't think anyone would come, I ruined it all.

Somehow, everything fell into place one after another. It wasn't perfect but it was the best that we could do. Though it may have not been my fault in the end, I just wished I could find a solution for it at that moment.

The yam cha with Shaun and Jieg was a better bond among us. Shaun was suggesting that he'd reach out to G, but the Jieg and I said no, it would be of no use and it's rather draining. Well I guess there's no point helping G now, but to only have faith in God and to continue uplifting this boy in prayer. That eyes that stared straight at me when I passed the corridor, I was taken aback for one split second, but then I smiled back at those eyes, because I have the comfort in me now and am no longer in that black hole, I hope he'd find his way out someday too. I really miss those times when he was all geared up for God and would talk endlessly about Him alone.

Evening came and that was when the weak me came into light. I dropped J at Jusco and I went on ahead looking for parking. As I looked I got irritated and annoyed and I eventually gave up. I parked out of Jusco and walked back. Since I was so darn late for the meet up I decided to sit at MPH. Who knew that I would pick up a book entitled, "When would there be good news?" My phone rang and then SY had difficulty with my performance for the drama and everything was going wrong. After her call my piano teacher called to change my lesson time. After that my sis called. Everything was nothing but WRONG.

Everything I encountered during that one hour clearly require me to do one thing. Quit from the camp and helping out. Since it took up so much time and I fail to balance things around me. I really didn't want to but then as I sat there.... I guess I had to so I called S and told him whilst apologized, but he said no, he said that that is how it's gonna be, we'll just have to pull through it. I said I can't. I can't anymore.... he didn't push me after that but he said that I ought to think about it.

When J was done with the meet up I told him bluntly I'm quitting. But when that disappointed look came unto his face it was so painful to carry on, I put up a rude front and said that I'm sick and tired of everything and I had everything. Gawd that was horrid, I hurt him even more. Then S started calling the both of us and was trying to make things right but we wouldn't stop yelling at each other. Poor J, he didn't even know what was wrong with me lashing out like that.

I stopped the car at the corner for a little while and the truth just seem to flow out... and I was very sorry and we finally understood each other's feelings at that moment. I just don't want to disappoint him anymore, I told him that I can't always tell you everything will be alright, because I wouldn't know. I just want to stop and not hurt him. But he said otherwise, he said that for better or worse, he will never be disappointed.

I'm amazed to see how matured he was.......... he told me that even if I had to leave now, I have already left a deep enough imprint for him. It was their last service for the year, but he said what we had was just the beginning.

I am scared, so very afraid that I would see that look on his face again, the look he had when G left CF........... that look of disappointment, that look of failure. The last person I wouldn't want to give him that state of emotion again, would be ME.

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