Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Little me :(

I'm very happy to see my visitor's counter reached 1000!!! weeeeeeee..... thank you dear readers, you're far too kind. :)

It's only the first week of college and I'm struggling so hard to get used to the system again. Competition's getting tougher this round as we compete quota with those who are taking A-levels in Malaysia trying to impress the UK examiners. Sigh....

I found out that my exams begin on the 13th of October - 22nd of November. I only have three subjects to sit for so I pray and hope it doesn't clash with the CF camp we're up to. Apart from that, I've said yes to my vocal teacher back in April that if UPM's got another project, I don't mind coming in as a guest singer again. This time UPM's on the 25th of Oct, in the middle of my exams. I've been a composer for choir, I've been a conductress, for UPM, I'm a choir member, I like the experience, at least I completed the full circle of the CHOIR, its good to know how it feels for every part of it. Sigh.... but this is no joke, it is no longer how I sit down at the school library last year where I hear them sing and then I go "ah hah!! wrong note" or plunk on the chords and then "yes!! end it with a minor key for dramatic effects" this is real work, real project. The members are all so well focused, we go there to make music, no one plunk notes, no one have the time to be blurr, typical musicians.

Herewith, with my exams ending so late, my vocal exam will be in the middle of December in which gives me no time at all to look for a pianist. Ahhh!! I'm so stressed out. I'm done with my songs already, I know them all well enough and now I'm just memorising them. Now is the time I work with a pianist, but I got no time to hunt for one. I wonder if there's a pianist hotline? hahaha
Juggling exams, UPM choir, vocal exams, and not forgetting! My Theory exam is in March..... I have to decide soon whether I wanna be a stuntman or not... if I do, that means I'll be taking Theory Grade 8, if I don't, I'll be taking Theory Grade 6. Well, for those of you who knows my behaviour for music, doing stunts and all, you should know which Grade I'd be choosing right? :) By the way, I forgot to mention that I have not studied neither syllabus, and I'm applying for the exams, hahahaha, they take 2 years to complete one grade and I take what? umm.. 6 months? Superwoman? I think I'm just gambling with life and death sorta thing.. did that with vocals and piano, and now this. What's next?

Anyways, ever since that night, Monday, I've been stuck here in Nilai since, really gave me space to think. I was pretty upset still, my roomie was helping me out with the CF poster... I think what D said is right, I really feel like VENTING OUT AT SOMEONE...arghhhh... just look at any person's eyes and just scream.. I bet I'll get some relieve there and then.
I miss S all a sudden. The meet up that day for CF was too short, I wanna tell him bout my family, LOL, I don't know why I tell him my problems sometimes. I bought a retarded punching bag but it doesn't release my anger, sigh, furthermore, this Friday's CF is in the CF room, bet the Pn. C would be there. God knows how she's gonna treat me. I'll be so darn alone there, hope to find a seat at a corner.

Yesterday my door was stuck. We had to call for maintenance help. The service guy came, and something else happened, it was at 11pm. I don't like it. I hate it. I hate the thought of it, the sight of him and everything that he did. Get it out of my head!!!!

I need a hug, I need more hugs. I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. There's so much to do, so many things to plan and decisions to make in life. So many sad situations this week, I'm so worn out.... I want someone to talk to so badly, I want to be cared for, I wanna be a lil girl for just a little while. I wanna be petted, I wanna be tickled at, I wanna be playfully teased at. Call me crazy but I'm so tired of being the growing teen... can I just be a little girl for JUST A LITTLE WHILE? I want to be loved... friendship love... I want hugs, oh gosh it brings tears to my eyes when I think of how lonely I am sometimes. When do I get that chance?

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