Monday, August 4, 2008

Its not easy

Have I really let go? While studying Economics, I accidentally clicked on to Arnan's blog which led me to Jieg's. And the last post he wrote was about that McD incident many months back where the you know who's mom was rather furious about. However, I believe that what I'm feeling now is just a sense of memory of what has happened not so long ago. Moving on in my new phase of life, its a pocket full of sunshine. I can see myself smiling till my jaw ache again now. I hope God will take me away to better places and show me the rest of life's greatness.

As happy as I am now, my main worry stands still--melody. The idea of quitting A-levels, vocal or whatever, its jamming my head.Today at piano lesson, I did not play a single piece, but I found myself weeping when my teacher asked me about vocal, even she said that he ought to read my post. She told me things that I've never seen in myself, or rather I knew but I never expected that I would hurt that bad. I understood why I feel so hurt for him now and its up to me what I think is best to do with my voice and him. There are so many things we spoke about and I really needed somebody's opinion. But till now, its still cooking up in me and I pray to God it doesn't affect my finals though I already know it is.

Worst of all, I wanted to tell somebody something so I smsed that somebody, but since it wasn't an appropriate timing I told myself, Girl you cannot do it now. I said thanks and switched off my phone. I stared at my lappy just now and decided to e-mail, oh dear, am I that naive to choose that form of communication? I typed my first sentence, hesitated, and decided to save it in drafts where unfortunately I clicked the send button. What could get any worse than this? It wasn't even a complete sentence. Dumb maine.

I told myself that things will get better in time. But what my piano teacher said was right, its not going to get better in time if I don't cure the hurt in me and do something about it. I really need an opinion, I don't know. I know I live and breathe music but its certainly not easy to be me.I asked God to show me a sign today since it was S that was worship leading, the songs she sang today gave me mixed signals, "I will be still and know you are God" and
"Worthy is the lamb" I couldn't see the signs but to actually be still and wait for God's reply, I've waited for so long though and something in me tells me to quit, but this two songs were songs I sang the best back then when I used to back up everyweek in church.

I'm in such a dilemma that I wonder when will it all be okay, I need to love again, you get me? To love them music and lyrics again, help me if you can whoever you are, wherever you are, to unlock this hurt I've heard and accumulated and release it in the open. I'm not fine without music. It is seriously not easy to be me, Maine Lee, the girl who couldn't gather her wits to say goodbye to music nor heal the hurt she has to smoothen the creases. My insomnia has led my mom to a decision that is to put me in KPJ after my finals. I hope someone or anyone can do something about what's bothering my mind so much and save me from this...I'm more than a bird, but I seem to fail to fly, I'm still struggling out of my butterfly cocoon but I think I'm losing oxygen. What hurts the most? Is being so close, and all I get to do is watching slip away.
I know nothing comes easy, but he has lost faith in me, will anyone of you tell me that you have heard me sing and you have faith in me so that I will be able to have faith in myself and strive on without being so blurry eyed at my music book?

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