Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Faith?

Things didn't look good for the past few weeks, I mean, they got worse. Vocal classes were a dread and I actually feared going for it. On Monday when I met with D and J at Jusco, I hesitated to go home because I knew the clock was ticking and it would be time to go for vocal lesson. The three of us went on our separate ways as I headed over to Popular's. I always loved Popular at JJ because the choice of songs they play are really good. I walked for about 30 rounds around the CD section? It was then I noticed what I had been listening to. That singer was very much like me the first two months of vocal, breathy and weak. But somehow I found it rather sweet and soothing. Then I thought to myself, what's the biggie then? Since I can't sing for the exams now that I have no faith, why don't I quit and sing like how I used to?

I smsed a friend of mine to come over and give me an opinion on the singer but I got rather faint opinions which I could not interpret. When that friend left, I cried. Because to me, if a person who has no voice training could not make out what he or she thinks about the singer, I think the singer is a loser. I don't know, I just cried because I recalled whatever my teacher said, a wall of sound, full voice, beautiful sound, it was all I was told to give, and I have the ability to do it but I seem to be stumbling on blocks this year. I looked at my watch, time was running short, even more I cried, because I didn't know what to do. I know he was gonna ask me who's gonna be my pianist again, then I will get lectures again because I'm a sore loser for not being able to just get adapted to one.

I spent some time with Jieg at Starbucks after my palaver at Popular's. We shared a cup of vanillar and started laughing over the laptop and listened to some songs. He taught me how to listen to the drumbeats and it was good, it was music. But it was that mixed feeling again, music. I drove home awhile after I sent him off for the Mummy's movie. Driving home I said to myself, "This is it, no point freaking out for lessons every week, let it end now, before I go insane" So, I took a last glance at my stack of books, and then I recalled something D said at JJ, "Don't sing infont of me, sing when J's here" I took that in, and I think it is an add to my reason to quit. Pretty proven that I suck.

I headed to class that night. He prayed for me, he told God to show me the way. Show me where am I suppose to go, I dropped my books, I went speechless, my eyes were blurry. Why did he do that to me when I finally got the courage to leave? He told me all the things I ever wanted to hear, how unique I was, how much potential I had, how he wants God to show me.... but why now? It's just too little too late.......... I've tried out so many times I told him, I lost it. He said have faith, have faith in God, have faith in myself, look for someone else you can adapt to. I said no, I have tried, I told you the list of people I'll try out with, I did, I really did but no it doesn't happen that way, why can't you play for me? He said, that is not going to happen.

Faith, all my life I've been sharing my life story of my blindness and how I had faith in God. It was then I realise, I lost that faith I had. I finally got what I wanted out of my teacher, a little patience to see the real me on the inside and what I can give, but he gave me that a second too late. I wish my teacher could play for me or the other someone, it's like me with contact lenses. I can't wear it till someone puts it on for me for the first time, let me feel how it feels then I'll know what to do. I told myself two months after my post on Fire Rekindled, when the time comes, leave it all behind. He treated me for me and nobody else that very night, but it just so happened to be that night. Even if I ask now on my blog here, who's gonna give me that faith and strength? I'm no longer blind, but I am a blind musician all over again and I hate to disappoint my teacher again.

He could ask God to give me faith, but tell me, why when I finally had faith in someone, that faith is torn? Why is faith such a complex thing? It is like me with my middle range in voice, I go so faint when I sing notes from the middle C... where's faith from my dear listeners, where's faith in me, where's that faith in you?

2 lovebites:

Karen said...

hey...everyone has faith in you...well i do. But the most important thing that keeps you driven and that passion alive is the faith you have in yourself. Its hard when people keep letting you down but thats what faith is all about. So i say go on!! and dont give up k. Muakss roomie!!

p/s - i cant find that dream la aiyoh...tell me!!! After looking for it so long, i can be indiana jones already..;p

Vaga Luna said...

i met someone who had faith in me that much once, but i lost that someone all a sudden, including myself, i lost myself this time. that is the worse amongst all. when the going gets tough the tough gets going but sometimes when achieving something for myself, i can't do it with my own strength...

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