Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A child

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes, I couldn't tear myself away from my bed though the clock struck 7.30 and my class was at eight. I ran to the toilet before anyone could spot my eyes and start questioning. I turned the shower to its maximum heat, I still shuddered in cold no matter how steaming hot was the water, whatever happened last night still gave me the creeps and the chills down my spine. People wanted to know why, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. It was no biggie really, it was a situation where my mom wanted to get me a car, a smaller car for my safety in driving and to pursue more music lessons knowing my passion. Dad said no, I must say that I was disappointed but I understand my family situation so I shrugged and say its okay. However, he took a step into the danger zone. He called my mom countless times scolding her saying she's stupid and so on and that she's poisoning my mind. He told her he knows about the myvi we own now, oh ya he told me that too and he felt offended because we never told him. That statement from him was rather funny I thought, because he had nothing to do with this family anymore. He blamed my mom for separating me from both parents that I became like this wanting more material stuff, and I said, hey, who's the one who looked for another?

I hate the way his ego rises above all common sense. I hate the way he talks to us as though we're his little ants he can crush on anytime he likes. The watch he got me, hah, yeah it costs a fortune, but I never asked from him. I just peeped at the shop window each time I passed, was that a crime? I thought he really meant it by getting it for me, I was pretty touched that night the blue box was handed to me after vocal lesson. But nah, I was wrong, he thought he had to do it because I so called asked for it. Anyways, I kept telling him, dad, forget about the car, forget it, it's alright. But no he had to hold that against us all the whole night, literally calling each our cell phones ten twenty times. Scolding and shouting and full rudeness. He refused to listen which was then I yelled, " Stop it, stop talking and listen to me instead. I'm tired, I don't want anything, just let me study and live my life, I don't know what the both of you want out of me but I'm tired so please stop now." He scolded me even more, he said I was rude for shouting, I'm sorry but I snapped back, "So why are you shouting as well?"

He went on saying that he has no money to get me a car but don't mind putting in a few hundred bucks in my bank account every month, what the? I'm okay with that still till the part he said, "I've spent 20k for your studies..." That was it. I told him, you didn't. You only borrowed the money for us and mom's working now because she has to payback each month. I enjoyed that moment really, because he was shocked to know that I know so much. He paused, then went on saying how much else he paid. I voiced the breakdown of the family accounts and I assume it was then he realise how much I've grown up. He dared not argue much because I knew it all. He put down the phone and called mom to scold her somemore. I switched it on loudspeaker. Somewhere in the middle when he was so engrossed into scolding I calmly said, "It's ok, I heard it all tonight through mom's phone, amazing."

He tried calling me since, but I wouldn't answer. I've had enough. Enough is enough, and I need a break. No one knows how much I've struggled. Am I really the baby of the family? I don't think so, as far as I'm concern, I stood up for this family so much that I need a break. He called the rest of my siblings, some turned out calm, in rage and so on... he can call them all, but he won't reach me. It was a wake up call for him and me that I am 18 but I have a wiser mind and I can think and see with my own eyes and for me, I have heard enough, learnt enough, said enough.
I never expected to say certain things to him because I respected him as a father and I never wanted to do so but he pushed me far against the wall and that was the end of the rope. Till this very day, I failed to detect the flaw in my family that has caused him to fall into the traps of the enemies. The decision to walk out this house was something I will never be able to understand, however, I will always cherish the days he was my dad (full time), the times he taught me how to draw, how to count, how to eat french fries with ice-cream..... not forgetting the times he spanked me with his leather belt, the times he was so proud when I came home with a headprefect position.

Sad to say, he thinks I'm every other spoiled brat. I don't need any luxury. If you asked me what I'd do with a car, I'd pursue as many odd jobs as I can to help my mom. The funny thing is, he never realised what I really am.. camera phones? No one has the right to say anything about it really because I sold all my books, toys, and saved up so hard for it. A penny from the family? Heck no, if I did, that's luxury. The watch he bought me four years ago, I still use it, I don't fancy changing phones and watches etc. I wear unbranded clothes, night market clothes, so what? As long as I am clothed, I am content. I didn't choose form 6 doesn't mean I'm a brat, but it means I admit defeat that I cannot cope with the system. Did I waste money with the college fees? I'm still in the course aren't I?

Sometimes I just feel like laughing because whatever I do is to no avail, I still am assumed as a spoiled brat. Pardon me if I was rude to you last night but if only you treated us as somebody, it wouldn't have been so bad at all. How can I not love you when I have always been a daddy's girl? I knew that all this while, didn't you? Haven't you recalled the days I'd come home and run right up to you? The days you come home and I'll serve you tea? The days I'd call your office for no particular reason? The times I'd e-mail you cards for no occassion at all? Forgotten isn't it? The question is, when it's all been said and done, did I do my best as a daughter? You tell me, I'm still trying to be the best I can. My life is not just materials you know, to hell with Astro, streamyx, leather sofas, BMWs.... I don't need them all. Back when I was only 5 I've had them all, luxury, pure LUXURY, BMWs, Mercedes, abalones, expensive things, driving to the next state for dinner.......... it's nothing to me. Even when your "friends" bought me a string of pearls and genuine jewelleries, all I wanted was a small little room with a bed and a teddy bear. This is who I am as a daughter.

As strong as I am through it all, I am still your child, so think about the limit I can take as a child sometimes.

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