Saturday, November 29, 2008

Steamboat Buffet

Today I went to Jon's church for youth service. That BFL that man! He text me the other night saying there was some guest speaker coming or something? J tagged along too. Yep, Jon was the worship leader and he was the "guest speaker" Hahahahahaha

But he looked so cute when he was trying to share a topic on LOVE. Let's see how many things he tricked me: -

1. Text me and told me to bring my friends cos its gonna be a gathering.
2. Guest speaker ------------ aha...yeah right..
3. Try out on the keyboard. -----I became the pianist for his worship impromptu.

OKAY, yes, we did have fun and learnt 1 Chorintians 4:13

In the middle of the service, Hau texted me and invited me for steamboat dinner. LOL, so much for wanting to go home early to rest my headache. How can I decline an opportunity to fellowship with my girlfriends? Trailed their car from Kemayan Square to Lobak. Yup, we ate from 6.30pm till 10.00 pm. Mom's very happy to hear that I guess, Maine finally ate!! XD

One funny thing which I don't think I'll ever forget was this... J gave me a goodbye hug as usual, nothing indifferent to me as that's how I socialize with my friends and a few of the junior's committee...... in the process I spotted queer eyes from my back mirror. When Hau hopped in the car to guide me, she said, "Hi, Charmaine, can I ask you a question?"

Guess what I said?

"No, we're not dating"

She said, "Oh okay...ahah you know what I wanted to ask"

Who wouldn't? hahahahahahahahaha.... !!!

But hell yeah, I had fun with my girlfriends tonight. I love you girls :-

1. Hau Eng Huan
2. Mandy Low Man Yee
3. Chong Xin Yi

xoxoxo

Monday, November 24, 2008

3 years

I hate it when he mentioned the three years,
Because it only brings back all the memories,
All the pain I have suffered along the way,
And to know that he wants more out of me,
To know that I will be disappointing him again,
Worst of all,
To catch glimpses of him,
Watching me,
Watching him sink lower,
With horror of disappointments,
For I carry with me,
A treasure that he wished he had,
Only to see me put to waste...
I loved him so,
Far worse, I love what he thought me very much,
But everytime I try to reach the stars,
I fall lower than the ground I stand upon,
I wasted 3 years of his time,
3 years of his presence here for me when I was down,
3 years of him replacing my hurt with notes and dynamics,
3 years of wanting me to please his ears with my melody,
3 years of needing to prove to him that I have a promise to keep,
3 years only to know that,
I am nothing whatsoever he wanted...

The eve...

As brave as I can be,
But when he sat me down sternly.
I revealed my cageless heart,
That I am nothing but a cowardice behind that mask,
The truth that spoke through my eyes tonight,
Showed him how weak I actually am,
The moment he noticed,
My trembling hands as I held my scores.

Its not that I have not tried,
Nor is it that I have not put enough efforts,
He's right yet again,
For it is not the fault of my voice,
But the fault of my soul,
I have yet to communicate,
Music and my soul together as one,
And everytime I look over my book and notice the player,
I fall even lower,
To know that my guardian is no longer there,
And will not be there to tell me how to sing,
Nor to give me that very prayer I badly need.


This torment I have tonight,
Is far harder to overcome than I thought,
As the eleventh hour strucked on the wall,
I dabbed my handkerchief on my tear stained cheek,
For it is indeed a nightmare,
To be afraid of something I love and cherish,
And to face something that makes an impact in my life,
With people who will not understand me...

The long conversation we had tonight,
Made me realise that I have taken many for granted,
Sadly its too late now for me to make ammendments,
For my time has come to face that stage,
A stage in which I will act upon,
With strangers I will not understand,
And floweth my vibrato moderato forte...
Within the four walls of that solemn hall,
Leaving behind me,
Nothing but the echoes of the una corda by the pianist...

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Vocal Exam

Yup, my vocal exam is just one and a half days away. I seem to be proceeding with my daily routines rather fine but I know that I'm freaking out like mad on the inside. Sigh, I really don't like this feeling, I mean, I enjoy singing but then... I seem to be so stressed out when it comes to classical. Perhaps its really not my thing even though I may have the high notes in me.

No idea how am I going to pull through it, I have yet to put in more ornaments, dynamics and the tempo of the songs. I'm trying to cope with everything and more things in these two days and at the same time saving my voice from any harm and threat till the day of the exam.

Nothing much to talk about it though, but rather, I'M FREAKING OUT!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Lousy lousy

I'm really upset tonight, because its not that I didn't try my best, in fact, I was so ready to show them what I prepared, but its all gone now. The moment I stepped in, she gave me a friendly wave, hah, unfortunately it worked the other way around. I begin to tremble. The exact feeling I had when I met people before campfire this year, only this time, the door slams behind me, and my teacher takes the seat of the judge.

I looked at my page of the book. Funny why I still looked at it, cos that day when D called and say I ought to prepare for my exams, I made very sure I memorised everything before I left home this morning. But when I found my page, it felt as though I've never learnt italian before. I tongue twisted my way through... here's an example:

"In the scented bud of the morning O, where the windy grass went rippling far..."

but I went...

"Into scented bud O of the morning, where the rippling grass went windy far..."

I hate myself. Especially for the song Sebben Crudele. My advantage was my fluency in Italian.. but I ruined it. The ornaments I prepared to make it more my song, to make it more my composition, more style to it, as required by the examiner......my teacher prepared me simple ones, but these few days, I worked out better ones to make myself stand out. Bull..... I sounded far worse than a six year old singing with a cough.

Alas, the Broadway song......shall we dance? Quoting D : My arse.......
I imitated the voice of "Anna" very well and impressive to have my teacher talk about it so much... but I saw him sink into his chair and watch me in disgust.

The pianist, I bet she thinks I'm horrible too. We didn't even look at each other after that. It was all too ugly. I hate myself so very much. The fire didn't rekindle, it fused. I bet D agrees with that too.

Lousy singer

I practiced with a determination,
I rejoiced as I captivated my sister's attention,
I memorised every word and every note,
I even found time to re-decorate apart from what he gave me,
I've plough through every piece,
I've sung to a near ace,
In the car,
In the toilets,
In front of my friends,
At home,
I headed out to rehearsal with confidence,
But when I stepped into the room,
And faced her face to face,
I somehow lost my grip,
It was as though I was never told she would replace,
I tried,
Believe me when I said I did,
I moved from one corner to the other,
I screamed,
I breathed,
I focused,
No matter how well I sung in my solitude,
Despite my hopes and dreams to please him,
Regardless of my promise to my dear friend that this would be,
One hell of a rehearsal,
It is indeed,
The gates of hell has opened,
Because I have never failed this bad before,
Especially when I've really worked it all out,
Something I decided to go for,
An achievement,
In which I will never grasp,
For the truth be told,
I am nothing but a lousy singer,
A disgrace to the most honoured Caladra,
Leaving a spit on my face by the producers of Broadway themselves,
For having the sheer guts,
To even hope,
To even have that slightest thought,
And belief,
That I could actually sing,
I earned myself tonight,
A title,
I am indeed,
A lousy singer...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Used

You told me once,
That you might be like him,
I never took heed,
But as four months passed,
I finally realised the truth,
The honesty you presented me,
The very first time you met me,
That my presence here,
Is to be at your service,
Nothing more.......
Nothing less....
Demands I am not allowed to speak of,
But to meet yours,
I am appointed to instead,
That's how I'm feeling inside,
When you treat me like this,
Because I've told you how I felt about these days,
I just wished,
We drew the line clearer,
'Cos now I feel used.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Imagine

This song made me come back for them... I gave them this song to remember, well, I hope they'll take time to really listen to every word, every intensity, and know why we did so much. :)




"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side...
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me!
I can only imagine. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus?
Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!


I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Son!
I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'?
Will I be able to speak at all?I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!! Only imagine!!!I can only imagine.
I can only imagine, when all I do is forever, forever worship You!I can only imagine."

Cruelty

I don't know how you do it,
But you do it so well,
You rip open that stitch,
Dig out my ugly flesh along with some capillaries,
Wonder your hands in that bloody wound,
Pushing and pulling,
Every ounce of my blood drip off your fingertips,
Every pound of my flesh is brutally ripped out,
You can be so emotional,
Yet so cruel,
The evil desire of yours,
To know and to feel every part of me,
Every part of my thought, my heart, my feelings,
Till you are satisfied and contented,
You leave me bleeding to death,
I mean nothing to you the minute you got what you wanted,
You just walk away pretending that nothing has ever taken place today.

5 things

5 things that is running through my mind right now.

1) My Vocal Exam
2) My ex who text me just now.
3) Our trip to Eagle Ranch
4) Jieg being 20 km away from me
5) My really messy room.


It's not really a tag, but I'd still do it anyways, Karen? You're tagged! lol

Shall We Dance?

We've just been introduced,
I do not know you well,
But when the music started
Something drew me to your side.
So many men and girls,
Are in each others arms-
It made me think we might be
Similarly occupied.
Shall we dance?
On a bright cloud of music shall we fly?
Shall we dance?
Shall we then say "Goodnight and mean "Goodbye"?
Or perchance,
When the last little star has left the sky
,Shall we still be together
With are arms around each other
And shall you be my new romance?
On the clear understanding
That this kind of thing can happen,
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance?
Shall we Dance?

Love

You told me you don't anymore,
I swallowed those hurtful words,
And with the help of my friends,
I moved on in life,
I am nothing but pure contentment,
With whatever I have,
Whatever I achieved,
Then you go and come around,
Saying you wanna be friends again,
Thinking that you really meant it,
Till today you told me what you intended,
You loved me still that's why you came back into my life,
You ignored my question,
Pretending you never said that sentence,
I don't know what to think,
I only know that you're unfair,
Because you hold on to the grudge of something I did,
Whereas I have showered you with love more than whatever I've done,
You had your mistakes too,
Hurtful ones with other girls,
Funny they never mattered to me,
Because I loved you so,
As of now....
You scare me,
For who you are,
For who I loved,
I hate that I love you so.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Webs

My journey has just begun,
And this journey will last only seven days,
Will I succeed in achieving something that I've had a passion,
But yet deny it out of fear and discrimination,
Or will I fall, fail due to my fraility...

I've made a decision to give it a shot,
The moment I made that decision,
I told him,
That watchful eye that faded 5 months ago,
In hope that he will keep watch for me,
I know I am not in the position to,
But I had to try,
Because at this point of time,
I have no one in hope for me,
I have nothing to hope for,
I have no one to turn to...

Thank you, dear you,
For telling me I would be in your prayers,
Because you're the only one who understands,
How I've been feeling and how I truly feel,
I am nothing but sorry, and regret,
For hurting you previously,
But you have given me hope,
With that simple sentence...

I pray to God tonight
That all the prayers I'll be receiving,
Will be heard by Him,
Because I really had no intention to sloth,
But rather I made a decision to push everything aside,
To what my heart told me to do,
Just that I never expected it to last for 4 months...

Now I'm on my own again,
Yet, much stronger and in hope,
I still fear their fall,
Funny thing is,
Why do I still worry and think about them,
Now that I have a time bomb in front of me?

I can only imagine what would life be,
The day I see them pass me by,
All grown up,
But coming back to do what was done this time...

As for my voice,
I made a decision to try this Tuesday,
Because of what I sang on Saturday,
And Sunday,
I meant every word I sang

My father I adore you,
May you not ever leave me,
Because you mean more than music to me,
You are my melody,
And it was my desire and still is to do what I did,
I want to sing to You,
That you'd be my vision and focus when I stand on that stage,
That you'll grant me that faith.

Solitude

Looking at the slideshows we did to wrap up the camp, I found myself in tears. Because despite of all the hardships, here we are, completing the camp, which marks my end, of aiding my friends to strive for something I strived for during my times. There had been many reasons why I came back... but they never did settle as a reason rather than the strongest reason that is to serve Him.

I made a decision to come back because I know I can never wipe out my past, and I can never stand up again ever since that phase of broken heartedness. I came back to make a change in that environment, to tell myself, that the world is much nicer if I make it so. But then again, I never would have came back if Jieg never gave me the call for help when he started adding me online. I never would have came back if I never spoke to friends and teachers whom I've been neglecting since the day I left school.

I made a promise last year, that I am to come back if CF needed me no matter what. I never fulfilled it until I really did so four months back. It was a big step, a vast change and many adjustments had to be made that affected my future. Now, after the camp, my life has just hit me back and slapped me repeatedly accusing me for abandoning it too long. It's very difficult for me to climb up that mountain where I was 4 months ago, but I have to I guess, because now that these friends of mine have spreaded their wings, they no longer need me, nor require my services.

I have never been a very very nice senior. I know that myself, I apologize for I am rather emotional when it comes to them not doing what I would've done if I were to be in their shoes. It just hurts so bad to see them stand in restlessness and despair. And it hurts me far worse to see them let it go, something I've been trying so hard to make a difference since I was 16.

I loved every moment of it, but with my added on presentation slides with the snapshots I captured throughout this 4 months, it will be a memory for me that I will never forget. But I hope my presence and this phase of my return shall be forgotten by them soon enough, and may they realise that these has all been their doings and not mine. Because in the end, if they had not done something, whatever that I had strived for meant nothing. For they are the current vision and the eyes of the eagle, it is their choice and decision to soar up, not mine. I am just nothing but a passer by.

If given a choice to turn back time, I would've done the same decision again. If given a choice to do it again next year, I would, in fact, I've moved out of campus accomodation, to fully spend my time in Seremban, hoping that there'll be more opportunities for me to help and serve in. Maybe not these friends, I'm sure they are sick of me already, maybe others who wouldn't mind a stranger coming in and making big changes and being bossy and then disappear like the wind...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My Mother

Perhaps its because I can see the signs of her aging face..
I never really noticed how old she has become as I grew up these years,
How I used to hate her when she was the uncool woman, always the one out of date and embarrasses me in front of me and my friends,
Then how she worked her way through to understand me when I turned 14.
Replacing my father's position, being both parent at the same time to ensure I don't lose out on any bit of love,
She tries her best to be fair to us four,
But I don't think we ever really noticed...

No, it's not like a wake up call today or whatsoever, its just that today I'm just so tired in running this camp.
Because I noticed coming back to CF has been the highest price I can never be able to pay.
Never will I forget how my mom rushed to cook just to send me back to school for something that has nothing to do with her...
Then my demand increased, they needed the car to the campsite...
Mom took the bus home from school...
Why did I let that happen?
I hate myself so much for that.

I have become just like that man who left her three years back,
Working her out without a limit,
Not caring how she felt...
How we fought when I couldn't get what I wanted.
I feel so unworthy today,
Because I thought I was serving, but instead,
I think I'm just being disobedient...

She went to work in another state,
Just because she knows she can't afford to pay for my final semester,
She hated her work there,
But she stayed on,
I thought I could make her feel better by telling her I have a business for her,
Cater for the camp, and get out of work there early by 4 days...
Lose the money there,
Get it here,
Be close to me,
And be a part of my work like how she always wanted to.
But here I am today,
Telling her, Mom, I'm sorry but I don't think you can cater anymore...

But she still rested my mind saying
"It's okay, I need a break anyways..."
I hate it when she pretends to be alright when I know she's disappointed,
It just reminds me so much on how hard she tried to put up a brave front three years back,
Till one very morning she just broke down hugging me and cried on my shoulders...

I made a vow that morning that I will never want to disappoint her,
But I seem to be doing so,
Over and over again,
With my studies,
My music,
My promises broken...

Again will I say, I hate that man who told me to come back for this camp... because he caused me so much to pay.
I don't know how else to feel nor do I know what should I do,
Because even the day when mom was to leave to work,
I was on the phone with the CF president because he wanted me to have lunch with the guitarist.
How my mom cried,
How she was upset,
Because she felt like she lost a daughter...

Yet before she left,
She told me to take care and do my best,
She said she believes that I will achieve in whatever I do.

She risked it all for me,
She lost so much,
Energy,
Hope,
Dreams,
Desires,
Needs and wants,
She still respond to me optimistically and gently,

Which makes my heart break even faster,
Making me doubt my return,
Because I wish I spent the past four months with her instead..

My life is falling apart,
I,
The child she has the highest hope on,
I hate myself,
There's no point for tears,
I don't know what is there to blame on,
But my mere stupidity and naiive soul,

I'm only sorry for her,
And to disappoint the lady,
The teacher who prayed for me when I was watching my dad leave,
The Ms Ng who listened to me instead of the others who gossiped,
I owe it all to her,
A spiritual mother..

I owe it all to my mother,
To my spiritual mother,
I never knew the price was indeed so high,
Where I am now still working my way through
Every penny every cent I owe...

Monday, November 10, 2008

You

You flipped to that page again tonight,
When you text me to ask me why,
I forgive you for what you've done,
But why now and not then?
Because the hurt you gave me then,
Not anyone could pay that price..

We doubted each other,
I will never know how and why,
Now we are talking,
I don't want to get too close,
Because you still make my knees weak,
If you knew the true me,
I'd still be yours...

Amazing how you could smell another's hair,
'Cos I could swear you said mine was what you wanted,
Giving me hopes and dreams,
That was far higher than the sky,
Leaving me to fall lower than the gates of hell,
I hate that feeling you give me,
That hot and cold,
Need me then you don't,
'cos I really needed you,
Till I was on my knees begging,
With bleeding lips...
But you turned and said
Nice to meet me anyways...

Don't tell me how hard it had been,
I know better,
'Cos you said you were mine,
But you never stayed,
You collapsed that part of my world,
In which I've turned off the lights now,
I don't think I ever want to turn it on again...

Don't question me now,
Because you only make my body sick,
Everything I am now,
Is because of you,
You're like a chemical,
Poisoning me little by little,
Till every joint and every pore,
Turn blue....
Till I am cold and frozen,
With eye lids that will never shut again.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

My head hurts..... I don't know what to say...
I'm sorry guys.

Fiasco

Is the camp really screwed?
I really don't know. I seriously hate the fact that there's nothing to be done in the end but to go on with the fiasco of the camp and let CF die. I mean, 46 members was a very encouraging number. But, one by one people drop out in the last week before the camp....

I guess, the journey for CF is about to an end...

I don't know what else to say and I don't know what else to expect. I only will hate and can only blame the person who caused me so much pain for bringing me back into this.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Lead

Darn exhausted today when I came back, cos I'm falling ill. I can feel it. Gonna need proper rest this weekend. Heh...yeah right as if anyone would let me. I was pretty tension when I was about to start worship today, dude, I'm no leader. Thank God they tolerated my fussiness and annoying attitude and hair pulling scenes.

Never did I imagine I had to lead B's worship. I've been preparing mine all week but never hers. Yikes, I thought... but oh what the heck eh? I'm really really grateful I had everybody's co-operation. Thank God.

I don't know if I've served the purpose that is to show B how it's done but I really felt like me when I did it. And the musicians and vocals were awesome....this people are undeniably talented. The way worship was brought up and quieten down, I don't think I've experienced that in a very long time.

It doesn't matter how well a person leads but rather how does the person relate to his or her team. That's something I learnt that I must master in order to gain better team work spirit.
I love them. :)

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Scraps...

The feelings are rather uncertain, alike waves, slapping the sides of the beach, and moving backwards to the sea over and over again. The heat is penetrating but somehow the uncertainty gives me a dose of fear but at the same time, a dose of tranquility.

I hadn't been back at that place in days. But communications these days were no hindrance for any news to be left unknowing. This is when I picture myself as the blind, not being able to see how they are but I can only see their situation through what I hear and how my heart feels from it. That is one type of music I've always loved.

They are striving hard, I can imagine, beads of sweat flowing down the feeble leader trying to seek for a solution that seemed so near yet so far. I can sense, the tension, the pressure on the shoulders of his assistant, waving away with his hand when he thinks about it but it comes right back into his mind shortly after that. The team, two girls, two very lovely girls. One, after hearing the ugly comment from me, she attempts to make a difference by promising more and more. I can picture her arranging and re-arranging a shelf but still fail to make up her mind because there is just too many things going on in her life at this very moment. Too many events. As for the latter, she has the wisest opinions amongst all of them but keeps her lips pressed firm, unspoken till she's questionned.

I hear they gather together themselves, and pray to the Almighty. I could see a sligh shade of the evening glow shine upon them, there was a spark of unity in them but will it burn? I pray it would. Prayers aren't merely words, their hearts,souls and mind should be united as well and together cry out to Him. They finally "gave themselves no rest" though the clock may be ticking fast in their world, but slow in mine........... it is never too late.

I noticed a smirk of satisfaction as I gaze upon my reflection. Are they finally stepping over the hedge and noticed and feel and know and understand how I have been feeling and still am feeling for the past four months about them and about this event? Sometimes I wonder why do I do what I do, but I will never have the answer to it because it's something in me that tells me it is a command not a thought.

Where I am standing now on this stage, I have been crying out for them, these people who are supposed to be leading, they are my main purpose of crying without fail. The world around them are dimmed, because it is up to them to share the light. My committee are only few, our hands and feet can only reach out to a certain extend. It's somewhat I quote, "pick up your bed and walk" There is no time to regret, there is no time to turn back, rather, save yourselves and your neighbours from more disappointments, but rather, hold on, strive harder and call the shots.

The opportunity costs of getting us here and now no longer mattered. It will only come into place if you let all else fail. Put a price to the efforts made, don't make us regret because it was not mere concern that made us dip our foot in but rather, the friendship, the love, the need and the hope we had throughout the past 7 months of our lives after we left school that we intended to share with you, your youthful souls.

The door keeps slamming, I have warned you so, so embrace yourself and not walk away from that door and seek for a window instead. God has made you who you are and commanded His authority upon you and there is no shame when it comes to Him. Seek Him more, cry out to Him as how I have cried out for you. Don't give up, no, its not time yet to be six feet under my dear, and even if there'd come a chance you should, I would lay my body before yours does.

Sometimes things are easier achieved if we just surrender it to God, no, that doesn't mean we should sit down and fold our arms across but rather, pray before we speak to every individual about our purpose, pray before we walk out of that class, pray before we pray together as a team, pray before we even decide to lift a finger for anything. Sounds tedious? Well, God is a jealous God, there's no such thing as ONE PRAYER THAT SAYS IT ALL.... be in detail, He will open more doors for you.

You don't really have much choice now that you see the walls are closing in. I've been feeling that way ever since my return. I have fallen weak along the way but you guys are the angels I have never met. No, its not just my saying, many have said the same. I wish I was like you guys back then when I was still at school. But my time was then and gone, my team will only return for this one glimpse that feels like hell though just 9 days away but we should all together leave an imprint of the struggle we struggled for God.

I may be very engrossed with this, but I admire and adore every individual you. Drown in tears and let Him save you. Try and fail rather than protect yourself and regret later. Sixteen years of life is just the beginning, I'm only two years away, and life is already a bumpy journey the minute I stepped out of school. Hold on, and not be whom I've been, tired, alone, heavy yet weary. Smile, though you may be disappointed now, just smile and think positive, think success, you won't know what's next in line if you do so.

Don't wait, pick up the pieces, make something out of them.

Isn't it simple?

1. Don't just pray, but cry out to Him
2. Smile though your spirits are weakening

Strive, before the sun goes down. :)

Monday, November 3, 2008

God's Catalog

“ By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. —John 13:35 ”


Tis the season to receive catalogs in the mail. Every trip to the mailbox ends with an armload of slick holiday catalogs. Each one claims to offer me something I need—immediately. “Don’t wait!” “Limited offer!” “Order now!”
The lure works. I open the pages to discover what I didn’t know I needed. Sure enough, I see things that suddenly seem essential, even though a few minutes earlier I didn’t know they existed. Manufacturers use catalog illustrations to create desire for their products.
In a way, Christians are God’s catalogs. We are His illustration to the world of what He has to offer. His work in our lives makes us a picture of qualities that people may not know they need or want until they see them at work in us.
Jesus prayed that His followers would be unified so the world would know that God sent Him and loved them as God loved Him (John 17:23). When Christ is alive in us, we become examples of God’s love. We can’t manufacture love. God is the manufacturer, and we are His workmanship.
As you browse holiday catalogs, consider what the “catalog” of your life says about God. Do people see qualities in you that make them long for God?

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Limits


I don't want to do this anymore

I can no longer differentiate what's right and what's not

Why do you hate my care?

Why do you not treat me like a human being

I don't know how else to please you

But my breaking point yesterday

Was when I recalled

How I begged you to pray for your people

I had to beg you to pray

You should know who you are

See my brokenness

When I begged you to come

When I begged you to pray

When I begged you to hear

I'm no beggar

But you made me one.


....................................................


As for you,

I became your best friend,

But that doesn't mean you turn to me

For every little thing you do

I forever will love you

But you never thought of me

You never noticed how tired I am

And how I cried when you don't learn

All of my hope for you...

I am hurt

Because I can no longer help you

I have reached my limits,

When you tell me you can't and you cannot,

How easily you forget God

to not ask Him for strength.

I wish I could be you,

Do nothing and just say I cannot.


...................................................................................


As for you,

I miss you so much,

Because I want you to hear me out,

You care for them but you forgot how I strived,

When will you come back and give me that support I need?

I am so broken that I don't see what else is ahead

I turn to you

But you just go further away from me

We were in this together

Where did you go?


..................................................................................


You,

You're a devoted worshipper,

You have a voice so sweet,

But you forgot your priorities,

You worried about what the world thinks,

But not Him,

You refused to ask Him to guide you,

You say you cannot satisfy all of them,

What about me?

I live to satisfy all of them,

Think about me will you ever?


...................................................................................


As for this man,

Who came by to help me,

And help the rest of them,

I am ever more grateful,

But I just hope you know what you're getting into,

Looking at how hurt I am yesterday,

You should know by now,

All my delight is in ruins,

They may be prepared physically

But how are they spiritually?

...................................................................................


As for myself,

All of my strength is used to the max,

I hope I have done a fairly well job,

Even though I will still be the blame for every little thing,

I apologize for my return if I have caused you annoyance,

I can only thank you,

For sticking with me till this far,

I have nothing left to say,

But only a wilting shoot,

Awaits for them to think of me...


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