You make things so hard for me,
Some days you are just so close,
Other days you are just like everybody else,
I adore you a great deal,
But I'm just so sick of trying,
It's always me disappointing you than making you proud.

It's not that I do not understand your theories,
It's just that I'm too tired to practice it,
Whenever that happens you tell me to leave,
So what if I want to take my own sweet time to learn,
I'm just a man with two hands and feet,
I get tired too,
Just like you.

You keep asking me why,
You demand for an explanation for every failing attempt,
You said I do not require your approval,
But you sure as hell act like one,
It's not that I don't have proper support to sing all ten notes,
In fact, I can sing 20 or more,
But do you really want to know why I cannot?

It's the thought of worrying whether each note suits your liking,
Whether it is with enough support as required by you,
Is it with enough melody to that one particular note as how you like to hear,
Your thoughts,
Your liking,
Your comments,
Your decisions,
That's what's been affecting me lately.

So don't tell me I don't need your approval,
Because I've been worrying,
And pushing myself hard for your demands,
Trying to fulfill each and every of your command,
Learning not to say no to whatever you want,
In hope to get your nods more than you disapprove,
I'm just doing what I thought you would want to see,
Now I don't know what am I doing,
Nor what you would want to see,
So tell me how can I even sing a single note without knowing its purpose or path?

We celebrated earth hour at the Lake Gardens. Just the few of us, gathering about in a circle lighting up candles and making jokes out of nothing. The starving ones were munching away on the take away A&W orders. Seeping in the night's breeze I somehow felt that it was gonna be a great night...

After lighting up the candles, we snapped several photos of each other for remembrance. Then sitting down again, I suddenly suggested that we ought to play truth or dare. We spinned the lighter each time the question is announced.

It was then Vincent's turn to come up with a question and he asked. "Who was it that you passionately kissed before this" Darn, the lighter shot at me.

Gripping my wits, I honestly admitted that I only kissed one person and that person was Guy.

Alright, so the next question went on and on and on... till Joyce came up with a question, "What's the biggest decision you have made" Somehow we all agreed to answer it together.

When it was my turn, it's as though reality hit me. That is to finally realise and admit that the biggest decision made in my life was him after all. "That is to wake up the next morning and to know that my ex is never going to love me again"

Somewhat a moment of realization that despite the many months of hardwork, spooning myself with more workload and not allowing myself to stop, its just then I had the courage to gather my wits to not only tell my friends he's gone...but also to myself that he's gone.

Xy said I was rather sporting to be able to answer those questions. But to me, its not about being a sport in such situations..It's about me waking up from torturing myself in a daze, in a dream, a fantasy not wanting to allow myself to adapt to the new chapter of life without him.

Seeing him these days makes no impact on me, but sometimes I do wonder what if things were different back then... But then again, with only 3 weeks left for me to be in school and complete my mission, I couldn't care anymore. Life's starting to shine for me, and if he truly loved me before, he would've trusted me despite words of others and be with me till now.

The game got more intimate, we started answering questions that were rather kept to ourselves... but it was nice. We got to understand each other even better and know what we've gone through though we may not speak of it much. Earth Hour tonight was the best thing that's happened though many of us didn't really want to go at first.

To Anna, XinYi, Azlin, Vincent and Joyce, it was a great night. It wasn't just switching off our switches for an hour, but rather we gained an hour of understanding and friendship enrichment.

As the candles lit to its very core, we stared at the lake together in one accord and know that nothing beats our friendship despite how difficult life may get.

I did not sleep for a night on Thursday. How can I after that horrible argument? It was seriously poop. Took up half my focus which led me to force myself to stare straight into my law notes for my exam. Friday morning looking at my law paper and I was like @.@ but I did what I could. Answered it as fast as I could and got the heck to choir.

After sending them to where the place of camp were to be, I headed off to find a spot to nap. Couldn't drive no more, too risky. Sadly, I couldn't sleep. My mind was just too jammed up with everything. Xy text me and asked me out to pasar malam. On my way to her place, I started trembling and I took the short cut, you know the one near STM? yeah... so many humps and I kinda lost control there for abit. Got to her place and we headed off to pasar malam. While we were strolling, I started sweating like a sick puppy. Didn't buy much though, didn't feel like eating anything.

Xy and I headed to this Chinese shop we always go to. I had some satay, ah, finally some food in my tummy. Headed home and I sprawled in bed till today morning. Got up to prepare to start on my assignment but, after my bath I felt horrible, took a pill and went to bed. Gosh, I was shivering like mad. Slept for about four hours? Getting up and falling off again and again...

Came down after awhile, thats when mom was like pretty upset. She said, "I watched you last night when I came over to take your books and things away from your face, your lips were blue, you looked dead, what on earth happen to you?"

I can't say anything now can I? Accept looked at her @.@

She left the room saying, "I regretted giving you that nude lipstick, cos I thought that was your real lip color all along till last night"

Sweat........ why was she upset for? I didn't know I was sick till then... =.=

Today's choir practice wasn't that smooth. I couldn't play the songs impromptu. I didn't expect to be a stand in pianist. But I was really impressed by Peggy. She woke up late yet she rushed the heck out of her life and got to the meeting. Peggy, if you're ever reading this, you're the best! I've never met a leader like you. :)

After choir was over, I was really drained, and still am actually. I've not slept since yesterday from 5am till now its nearing today's two pm. I moved into my room last night, I think I need to spend a few nights alone to just be with myself. I asked Ying kuan and Pauline whether they know how to get to where they had to go, they looked so blurr. Gawd, how can they even let two poor young girls figure their way like that? But I had fun sending them to their destination, they are very nice people.

This morning I drove off to college without sleep. I guess I really slept off at one point while driving, cos the next thing I knew the truck opposite of me was flashing his lights and honk the heck out of me. Then after that its as thought I didn't know what was brakelight? Cos the car in front was stopping and I kept going. geez.....

After dropping the two babes off, I was washed out entirely. I parked my car and I remember what they said "Remember to eat! To save your hair!" LOL!! Reminds me of my ex room mate.. "Kate moss!! Eat ah!" but these days, I prefer to be hungry. I'm not a lunatic, I mean it... I know when I'm depressed and when I need help. But for now, I'm okay with it. It keeps me alive.

They used to wander,
Trying to make everything better for those in need,
Didn't know it would be thought by others,
That these eyes are in their way,
These eyes are stopping them,
These eyes are creating hate...

I met you today,
I'm done with pretending,
My throat burnt struggling to make a sound,
I stared throughout the night yesterday,
My lenses fitted me with piercing pain,
They are all red and painful,
Their master forcefully irrigating their nerves,
But no one's going to know,
When you look into my eyes now,
Cos you wont see anything,
And I wont let you see anything

She said we'd patch up,
The other she said I should've released my anger physically,
He said he doesn't know,
He said, she said,
But I said,
I don't know what you want,
And I will never know,
Because you think of me otherwise,
Before we could even communicate,
So I chose to leave,
Virtually,
Eventually,
Physically...

But no one would have a glimpse at those eyes again.

As I stared at my empty tissue box,
And as I read his messages,
It's just so hard to make him understand,
What I really felt,
I walked out of his home,
Being all so subdued and so numb,
Yet when I got home I wanted to give it another try,
I wanted to fix the problem and not let it be at stall.

But you cut me off before I could say anything,
You don't even know what am I upset about,
You won't take a minute and read what I wrote,
I only begged you to stop giving me itsy bitsy promises,
Which I would hold on as tight as possible,
I never said you were a fool,
A fool I am for trying to patch things up,
As it leaves me lying in my own pool of tears.

Never did I compare you with others,
You thought I did all the time,
If I was so great, then who is the Almighty to compare,
But tonight will be the night that I know how you felt about me,
Tonight is the night I ever cried till dawn for being misunderstood yet again,
It's about time I faced reality that I no matter what I do,
He'd think of me otherwise even if it was out of care.

I want to post this because I want to remember the sentences that I had spat in my face today.

1. when I mentioned to have a slot for Saturday >>> "She's desperate"

2. when I mentioned a performance >>> " You're mean"
" You're harsh"

3. when I voiced the injustice >>> "What difference does it make even if I come to practice tomorrow?"

4. when I announced I would like to retire and was stating problems >> "I thought you said you retired?"

Seriously, from the two main people I cherished and loved, I hope you know how hurting you are yet again and disrespectful and inconsiderate.

A little add on to that particular someone, don't tell me lies just to pacify me for that one moment. Don't tell me you'll tell D to do etc, etc, etc, and you'll be there for me. And after when I asked you again for reassurance, you twist and turn your words and pretended the promises you made never happened. I'm not a kid J, I'm not, so quit being a jerk and be a man. I'm not a barbie doll. You lied more than once, and you're testing my relationship with you. I'm a person who hates crying, but you certainly succeeded in making it a habit for me. And I was right, you should've stayed ten yards away from me. You're just you, and you'll never change, you always overlook at other people's feelings and not bother thinking about how they would face after that. Let me repeat who am I to you for real, I'm just trash to you, J. Admit it.

Today, I've decided to let the conductor do it on his own. I came up with a little white lie and told him I would not be coming. Yep, they wasted half an hour and ignored the poor boy. However, those reading this blog may not agree with the wasted half an hour part but take it or leave it, you know that's not how it would've been in the usual days despite the amount of people present.

Okay, after much confusion and frustration, we got the choir working. I was quite disappointed because I wanted to start on the Medley today but then all these unnecessary stuff just kept popping up. Alright, I was still satisfied with the progress. Got to lunch, hah! That's when forget anemia or whatsoever, they just wiped out all the blood in me.

I don't really want to get into details about it but I am sick and tired of their selfishness. Really, of all people going against me, are those whom I spent months toiling with and getting crap from them till the day they made success in November 15th 2008. Respect? Forget it. I've never done anything that unorganized before. I could've sworn I made sure I informed all the necessary committees that may be clashing with my practices. I certainly did not train that particular committee to do whatever they just did today.

I wanted to lecture Jieguan. But what's the point? It's done. You won, all of you. I'm tired of fighting, I fought for you last year, and I am facing my consequences now. Yet, I thought that this is a blessing from God that despite what I have to face this year, with my insane schedule, I get to do what I love doing, music. But what is it to them? They just think its funny to come and go anytime they liked. Typical of them.

My mom said something really true that night. "Maine, you're not doing this because its a job you hired with your certs or education, you're doing this because you love music, but look at you, I see you getting heartbroken more than you gaining the sense of satisfaction that you should be getting"

I want to say, I'm tired. I would use the word "resurrect" because no one has seen how I speed on the highway yet. But I have been doing that for the past few months last year. I faced life and death alone. But doing it for choir now, it was fun, its something I love doing. Music is my life, I breathe music. But there is no music when the people making music treats you like trash.

I really love plunking notes for the past few weeks figuring out here and there. I love what I did, I love what we all had, I love tackling a person's problems, I love having to understand their difficulties in grasping melodies, I love being nothing but the person who finds the root of the problem and providing a solution for music. Tell you the truth, when they sang in harmony, it was pure, clean, fresh, air.

But a choir is not a one man show. Same goes to those who were involved in the camp last year, there's no one man show in anything like this. But look at the decisions you guys are taking?

You know whats funny? I had a friend who said he didnt want me to go through what hell I've gone through last year this time. I was really touched by his words because I thought he understands. Sadly, the person who said it, is the right arm of the people who are causing me endless episodes of upsets. Did you really mean what you said? Or you merely meant it out of a gesture of mannerism and whatever I felt and faced is just nothing to you?

Sometimes, there are people in this world that would just not stop lying to you. They think lying to you is making you happy for that moment. Well, what happens after that moment? The truth of course. On Tuesday, I had a very successful choir practice, really, I was very impressed with the attendance and the cooperation I had. I slept in class, got down to get coffee during class break and strived through the rest of the day. On Tuesday night, I got worried, what if they forget the parts again? No, I cannot let this happen, they are always losing it after getting that little progress. I called Peggy and she called the rest of the part leaders to arrange a small meeting for the next day.

I asked her later that night if everybody agreed. She said yes, I was more than happy when I heard Sheryi would be joining us too. I met Jieguan online. He said hopefully he can come and stuff...then I told him if its transportation and disturbing his mom I would gladly pick him up from home despite the distance. The conversation ended there which was then Darren came online. He had a shock that Jieguan agreed to my meeting because the cf was having one too at the same time frame. Okay, I didn't want to jump into conclusions so soon, so I called Jieguan and even texted him but to no avail.

Wednesday, my schedule was supposed to be like this :

8am-10am --- Class
10am-12pm--- Break
12pm-2pm--- Class
2pm- 3pm--- Teaching

because I thought everybody agreed, it turned into this:

8am-10am--- Class
10am-12pm--- Teaching
12pm-2pm--- Class
2pm---Go back to Seremban for meeting

Which of course, I was half an hour late for my afternoon class...

I got to Parkson where the leaders were supposed to meet. Jieguan told Peggy he is very busy and will come later. I glanced at my watch and it was already 3.02pm while the meeting was supposed to be 2.30pm.

Talk about respect. Pooh!

I've never been so hardworking before. *sobs* There's just so much to do and I'm not doing enough with the time I have. And that's just my studies in college, not forgetting my vocal and piano lesson which I am starting to slack these days. I find that I am procrastinating but I'm not entirely sure if that's what I am really doing because nothing seems to be lazy on my list so far and the only time I lay still is when I'm just too tired that I gotta sleep.

There's got to be a way out of all these juggling. I've not been practicing my piano and I am so dead, I've not memorised a single song I promised. I've not completed a single Economics assignment what more begin my revision? Shucks....there's just too much to do. I regretted delaying my Law assignment for so long. Here I am now, quarantined myself for 8 hours in the college library just to do nothing but my assignment and my one weekend late business tutorial. I need to practice my piano exam pieces and my voice is so horrible since that bad inflammation and I've yet to work it out to sing properly again.

What have I been doing? I don't know. I always have something to do. But I admit that the previous weekend you know the one with the Monday holiday... I really took that weekend off to sleep. Yes, I finally slept. And last weekend, well I watched Dragonball on Thursday, Love matters on Friday and spent time with mom on Saturday. Is that procrastination? You tell me :-s

I'm so dead, I feel like dying. My hands ache from all these load of writing. LOL and I'm typing right now. I'm so bored of looking at words. And I have a test this Friday. My mom asked me this morning, "You said you're happy being so hectic, are you still happy now?" Well, I am tired and in trouble, alot of trouble in fact, but am I still happy? Yes I am. No doubts about that. Why? I don't know. I chose my round of fun, I chose my round of hell. So I had fun, now I face hell. It's a cycle ain't it?

Well, wish me luck that I'll survive! Toodles!

1. Clear the mess on my bed.
2. Sort out paper files
3. Store clothes into wardrobe
4. Clear study table in mom's room
5. File up business past year papers
6. Print out economics past year papers
7. Print out recent law notes
8. Do laundry
9. Sweep bedroom
10. Record parts for choir
11. Complete law assignment
12. Memorise O mio Babbino Caro
13. 2 lessons this week for Andrea
14. Practice pieces and UPM scores
15. Economics Assignment
16. Extra choir practice on Saturday
17. Help Ps. P on Saturday afternoon

Eeeeeeeeeee I'm going to die!!!!!!!!!!! I regret procrastinating for the past one weekend. *sobs*

Tonight I came home after another long day of working with the choir. Hell yeah, so much for telling me to shut up, everyone just went haywire. It's as though, it's a fun thing? And then I realised, that I was wrong. It is my job, yes, but it's just an activity to them. So yeah, I shouldn't compare them with professional work.

First thing's first, they are awesome people, they make music with the bits and pieces of everybody's random talents and combine it together, it's just amazing when it comes to working out parts. We'd get all headache-y and then annoyed and stuff and joke about. That's life, I like that.

The first thing I did when I got home just now was to play up everything we worked out just now. I admit that I am a lousy pianist, so I had to work out every chord, I'm not as talented as those I worked with today. Sigh! I really admire their skills... But as I worked for about an hour, it sinks into me that it may have been because of me, that I have not done what a proper guide would have done, I am after all still immature in the vocal field. I may be the root of our prolonging problems...

Training them has no more been fun. And turning into a dominating mode only scares me reminding me how hard I tried for the cf last time. I really want to call it quits now, but I don't want to be known as irresponsible either. I would miss out on my passion to working on music and to exploring each other's unique voices, but it's no more fun if it means I'll have to be that beast I tried so hard to vanish.

It's just too straining, and everybody's got their own reasons and problems. I could hold it in and compromise a few times, but I am just too tired.

I'm finally ill. Lost my voice which means I'll have no other way of talking, no method of shutting my thoughts off and not listening to other people. I asked myself, what happens when April comes? What happens when it's all over? What do you do, and where does that lead you?

It's March. I'm freaking out, I have no idea what happens when it's over. Let go, let go, I told myself, let go, but why am I drawing myself nearer? It's certainly not an effective method of letting go by going nearer. Will I make it? Because at this point, I feel as though I'm allowing myself to float to the realms of insanity.

Is it true that just because of what black episode of your life you cannot go forward and make better ones? I just can't seem to find the way out right now. What am I not doing that is preventing me from letting go?

We text, we meet, we talk, we love............ what does it take to make it happen?

It's just one person. A person out of the many chosen at that point of time, a person whom you once shared your heart and love with who doesn't with you anymore. Why is it so difficult to let go?

I still wear his heart for the memories. But here's the question, what does it take to let go?