Sometimes we humans are just plain negligent and this is when ignorance is a bliss. I fear myself too if I were to be high and mighty some day would I forget who I was before I am who I am then? We all strive to make ourselves a better person regardless physically, emotionally or spiritually. We buy concealers, we lose weight, we buy lipsticks, we scale our teeth, we change our fashions and hairstyles... I find that as a need a mode of vanity to be more comfortable with ourselves in this community.

I find it rather upsetting whenever some other people comment or criticize the way we are or the way we are striving. But tonight at a party I realised on thing that I've failed to see for quite a long time. We are all ugly. I mean, let's face it, no matter what you do or say, there will be one part in yourself that you do not like or wish were different and there would be one part of other people that you would not agree with as well.

To me, I think we should respect those who strive to look pleasant. Not to say that we are going against God's creation, but we are merely trying to make the best out of our features as how I would put it. So I don't find it as something to laugh about. Nor something to comment negatively about but rather something to learn from, something to be respected, adored and practiced.

We are all ugly, thats what makes us beautiful. It only depends on how we look at things and how you understand the difficulties it takes to become who you are and when you are who you are that you want to be, will you remember your strive to this journey or would you forget all the effort and look down on others who's just begun the same journey that you have succeeded?

I dedicate this post to someone who mattered to me tonight, and also I dedicate this post to myself because I know the pain, I know the hassle, I know the difficulty. And if you've been there done that, then take a minute and try to understand a person in that similar situation.

Life has been really hard lately. Ever since the year started, ever since whatever I planned for this year begun, I feel that life has no meaning at all, its just plain rough work, work till you drop. I find it very difficult to control my emotions lately, and I snap rather easily too. I tried to joke it off, cool off the situation with my surrounding people, but its getting harder as the day goes by. It's as though, I'm running out of jokes. You know what I mean?

Whenever mom leaves, I turn into a beast, trying to run the household properly, getting everyone to do their part of their responsibility. Well, it doesn't work anymore, and I'm always left with the chores. I turn to the right, there's a pile of clothes unfolded, I turn to the left, I see ants marching up to a dirty plate, I look out the window, the curtains are dusty and worst off mom's beloved garden was dying. How much can I do in a day and not forgetting my own personal heavy workload to deal with?

Every morning I get up and told myself, be professional, be ethical, be realistic. Yeah, but who am I kidding? I doubt I can hold out any longer cos it's starting to destroy me. I sweat cold sweat every few minutes, I'm so anxious over everything, at home I practically walk about with a rag to wipe dust. What's wrong with me?

There are bills to pay, a house to clean, a mouth to feed and its not mine. Living on one meal a day or less I guess. I just can't seem to find the time to care for myself anymore. When will this end I really don't know, and sometimes I wonder am I driving myself to this near suicide?

Tonight, mom called from work. I could tell that she's tearing throughout the conversation. Trying so hard not to yell her feelings out. As for I, I'm tired of listening to all the complains. I feel her pain and the most pain was that I could do nothing to help. I can try to learn how to do the laundry, change the tires, cook good meals, make lame jokes... but there are still so many things I fail to do. I want to make everybody happy. I want to say yes to everybody's wishes... and no matter how hard I try, I just fail to be that person I wish I could be.

I'm a type of person who's versatile in the most awkward way. I can go out partying, I can go out doing everything I wanted. I go out showing skin of not worrying about anything. I really wish I am that person, with nothing to worry about, nothing to want, nothing to need. Just to care for others. So tell me, why when everyone else is happy and celebrating this new year tonight, and I'm sitting here wishing there'd be a phone call for me giving me comfort assuring me that even though it sounds impossible, everything's going to be alright?

Tell me, why am I at such state of emotion on this joyous night?

I quote a personal message from my friend; "for the night has been unkind...

Allow me to finish it on my own repetoire...

Doth for the night has been unkind,
Everything her little heart seeketh,
Perishes deep with drapes of darkness,
Reality stabs into her very soul,
Eagerly pushing her way beyond her limits,
Seeking her every ounce of energy and womanhood,
Secluding her pain when day strikes,
Inflicting a character she does not wish to play,
On a stage she never would step foot on regardless of the fame,
Never ending story as so it seems now, where is the end of all this pain?

Let me know if you noticed how I felt tonight...

Honestly, I'm pretty upset with J still. I remember a few days before school started for him, he told me he needed me on Fridays, to speak to him, to catch up with him and to continue advising him as in like a commitment. I had classes 2-4pm on Fridays... and yeah, I asked my lecturer if he could change it. Obviously he did change it for me. I somehow felt as though I owe it to my classmates and to my dear teacher who probably had to face certain amount of difficulty because he had to care for his old aged mom too.

One thing I don't understand about J is that, he can be so committed to whatever he likes, whenever he wants to. Like when he had a crush on P? He remembers literally everything and does everything he needs to to gain attention or whatsoever goal. I'm not comparing as a lover or an infatuation sorta thing but sometimes I wonder, how long does it take him to realise that he has caused me to put my life on hold just to think that he actually meant all those commitments he said?

I said yes thinking this is what I wouldn't mind doing serving God. But this is way too much, too many times, too many negativity, too many sacrifices, too many consequences that led to nothing but me being in despair. Everytime we do come across each other, it beats my heart to yell at him and tell him how much trouble he's caused. But what's the point? I agree with what Pastor P said,

One pm sharp and I'll be as limpy as a wilting flower,
One pm sharp I start to chill and feel the quiver of ice down my spine,
One pm sharp my body shatter into little pieces when my muscles fail to coordianate,
One pm sharp when I'll lay very still in bed,
The only thing I could do is to lay still,
Gritting my teeth,
And pray for the discomfort to go away,
When I am not anywhere near my bed,
That is when I suffer the most,
Kneeling at wherever shades most,
And sob my tremors to an end...

When will this end?
I hope its soon,
Moving a stickshift as though I'm moving a pillar of the Roman times,
I am awake,
But I look as though I'm drugged,
This is unfair,
Because my life cannot be on hold any longer,
I need to hurry and rush,
Before I'm left behind,
Dear tremor,
Please leave me alone?

Pretty annoyed these days, its been accumulating in me. Okay, I know he came by to help the choir because I asked him to. I really really appreciate that and along the way, we made pretty good friends. But time's running short for me, and knowing my results are like crap right now, the last thing I'd wanna do is to have this darn choir thing stuck in my head in square one undone. Choosing songs should be done so long ago and not now. The members are not doing anything, now he's not doing anything anymore, who's going to do it?

I know one thing very well though, I am not going to make such big sacrifices anymore like I once did for this other boy.

You guys want it, you go do it yourself, when school starts and nothing's up, that means astalavista baby.

I met you today, and it's just so unusual. Well of course, we can't be as how we used to anymore, but that was not what mattered, we felt so.... smooth.... as if we never once hated each other. But I know you kept it short. I understand. When you told me that latest event of yours, it tears my heart to know that you are at that..but I also know that if I were to show another inch of concern, you'd vanish from me in just a snap of a finger.

It was worth the shot meeting up today, two tall glasses, a corner table, talking about nothing but everything. I wish and I hope that you'd remain like this forever. Because its very comfortable talking like this. It gives me the peace, there's no more fighting, no more hating, no more revenge, that's what I pray for.

I tried to reach out, but you obviously fringed yourself. Will there be a second time? It is indeed a start of a new year, or would we both be walking out separate paths, pretending not to once know and died for each other? I'm so confused, all I know is I still care.

Lemon tea/ lime tea.... it doesn't matter. If you can still distinguish the taste of both, that's all that matters really.