No it's not okay,
I cannot be a fool,
Please do not make me call you again,
It torments me even more,
I am recovering very well,
So hush my darling,
Don't remind me darling,
That you are not my baby.

Don't strum that guitar,
Don't hum a single tune to me,
What's not for work,
Lay it off far from me,
Leave, get out,
All you memories,
All the things you said,
Promises you broke.

Yes, my license is expiring,
And I can't wait for it to expire,
Before my feelings for you aspire,
For that will be another dread to pay,
I wanted so much out of us,
That made me still remain at where I am now in life,
Tried to move on but still standing here.

So go find your new love,
May it blossom well,
I only want you to be happy,
But please do not torment me,
I am nothing but someone whom you mistrust,
I want nothing but my own life back,
And only hope for pure love to return someday.

You make things so hard for me,
Some days you are just so close,
Other days you are just like everybody else,
I adore you a great deal,
But I'm just so sick of trying,
It's always me disappointing you than making you proud.

It's not that I do not understand your theories,
It's just that I'm too tired to practice it,
Whenever that happens you tell me to leave,
So what if I want to take my own sweet time to learn,
I'm just a man with two hands and feet,
I get tired too,
Just like you.

You keep asking me why,
You demand for an explanation for every failing attempt,
You said I do not require your approval,
But you sure as hell act like one,
It's not that I don't have proper support to sing all ten notes,
In fact, I can sing 20 or more,
But do you really want to know why I cannot?

It's the thought of worrying whether each note suits your liking,
Whether it is with enough support as required by you,
Is it with enough melody to that one particular note as how you like to hear,
Your thoughts,
Your liking,
Your comments,
Your decisions,
That's what's been affecting me lately.

So don't tell me I don't need your approval,
Because I've been worrying,
And pushing myself hard for your demands,
Trying to fulfill each and every of your command,
Learning not to say no to whatever you want,
In hope to get your nods more than you disapprove,
I'm just doing what I thought you would want to see,
Now I don't know what am I doing,
Nor what you would want to see,
So tell me how can I even sing a single note without knowing its purpose or path?

We celebrated earth hour at the Lake Gardens. Just the few of us, gathering about in a circle lighting up candles and making jokes out of nothing. The starving ones were munching away on the take away A&W orders. Seeping in the night's breeze I somehow felt that it was gonna be a great night...

After lighting up the candles, we snapped several photos of each other for remembrance. Then sitting down again, I suddenly suggested that we ought to play truth or dare. We spinned the lighter each time the question is announced.

It was then Vincent's turn to come up with a question and he asked. "Who was it that you passionately kissed before this" Darn, the lighter shot at me.

Gripping my wits, I honestly admitted that I only kissed one person and that person was Guy.

Alright, so the next question went on and on and on... till Joyce came up with a question, "What's the biggest decision you have made" Somehow we all agreed to answer it together.

When it was my turn, it's as though reality hit me. That is to finally realise and admit that the biggest decision made in my life was him after all. "That is to wake up the next morning and to know that my ex is never going to love me again"

Somewhat a moment of realization that despite the many months of hardwork, spooning myself with more workload and not allowing myself to stop, its just then I had the courage to gather my wits to not only tell my friends he's gone...but also to myself that he's gone.

Xy said I was rather sporting to be able to answer those questions. But to me, its not about being a sport in such situations..It's about me waking up from torturing myself in a daze, in a dream, a fantasy not wanting to allow myself to adapt to the new chapter of life without him.

Seeing him these days makes no impact on me, but sometimes I do wonder what if things were different back then... But then again, with only 3 weeks left for me to be in school and complete my mission, I couldn't care anymore. Life's starting to shine for me, and if he truly loved me before, he would've trusted me despite words of others and be with me till now.

The game got more intimate, we started answering questions that were rather kept to ourselves... but it was nice. We got to understand each other even better and know what we've gone through though we may not speak of it much. Earth Hour tonight was the best thing that's happened though many of us didn't really want to go at first.

To Anna, XinYi, Azlin, Vincent and Joyce, it was a great night. It wasn't just switching off our switches for an hour, but rather we gained an hour of understanding and friendship enrichment.

As the candles lit to its very core, we stared at the lake together in one accord and know that nothing beats our friendship despite how difficult life may get.

I did not sleep for a night on Thursday. How can I after that horrible argument? It was seriously poop. Took up half my focus which led me to force myself to stare straight into my law notes for my exam. Friday morning looking at my law paper and I was like @.@ but I did what I could. Answered it as fast as I could and got the heck to choir.

After sending them to where the place of camp were to be, I headed off to find a spot to nap. Couldn't drive no more, too risky. Sadly, I couldn't sleep. My mind was just too jammed up with everything. Xy text me and asked me out to pasar malam. On my way to her place, I started trembling and I took the short cut, you know the one near STM? yeah... so many humps and I kinda lost control there for abit. Got to her place and we headed off to pasar malam. While we were strolling, I started sweating like a sick puppy. Didn't buy much though, didn't feel like eating anything.

Xy and I headed to this Chinese shop we always go to. I had some satay, ah, finally some food in my tummy. Headed home and I sprawled in bed till today morning. Got up to prepare to start on my assignment but, after my bath I felt horrible, took a pill and went to bed. Gosh, I was shivering like mad. Slept for about four hours? Getting up and falling off again and again...

Came down after awhile, thats when mom was like pretty upset. She said, "I watched you last night when I came over to take your books and things away from your face, your lips were blue, you looked dead, what on earth happen to you?"

I can't say anything now can I? Accept looked at her @.@

She left the room saying, "I regretted giving you that nude lipstick, cos I thought that was your real lip color all along till last night"

Sweat........ why was she upset for? I didn't know I was sick till then... =.=

Today's choir practice wasn't that smooth. I couldn't play the songs impromptu. I didn't expect to be a stand in pianist. But I was really impressed by Peggy. She woke up late yet she rushed the heck out of her life and got to the meeting. Peggy, if you're ever reading this, you're the best! I've never met a leader like you. :)

After choir was over, I was really drained, and still am actually. I've not slept since yesterday from 5am till now its nearing today's two pm. I moved into my room last night, I think I need to spend a few nights alone to just be with myself. I asked Ying kuan and Pauline whether they know how to get to where they had to go, they looked so blurr. Gawd, how can they even let two poor young girls figure their way like that? But I had fun sending them to their destination, they are very nice people.

This morning I drove off to college without sleep. I guess I really slept off at one point while driving, cos the next thing I knew the truck opposite of me was flashing his lights and honk the heck out of me. Then after that its as thought I didn't know what was brakelight? Cos the car in front was stopping and I kept going. geez.....

After dropping the two babes off, I was washed out entirely. I parked my car and I remember what they said "Remember to eat! To save your hair!" LOL!! Reminds me of my ex room mate.. "Kate moss!! Eat ah!" but these days, I prefer to be hungry. I'm not a lunatic, I mean it... I know when I'm depressed and when I need help. But for now, I'm okay with it. It keeps me alive.

They used to wander,
Trying to make everything better for those in need,
Didn't know it would be thought by others,
That these eyes are in their way,
These eyes are stopping them,
These eyes are creating hate...

I met you today,
I'm done with pretending,
My throat burnt struggling to make a sound,
I stared throughout the night yesterday,
My lenses fitted me with piercing pain,
They are all red and painful,
Their master forcefully irrigating their nerves,
But no one's going to know,
When you look into my eyes now,
Cos you wont see anything,
And I wont let you see anything

She said we'd patch up,
The other she said I should've released my anger physically,
He said he doesn't know,
He said, she said,
But I said,
I don't know what you want,
And I will never know,
Because you think of me otherwise,
Before we could even communicate,
So I chose to leave,
Virtually,
Eventually,
Physically...

But no one would have a glimpse at those eyes again.

As I stared at my empty tissue box,
And as I read his messages,
It's just so hard to make him understand,
What I really felt,
I walked out of his home,
Being all so subdued and so numb,
Yet when I got home I wanted to give it another try,
I wanted to fix the problem and not let it be at stall.

But you cut me off before I could say anything,
You don't even know what am I upset about,
You won't take a minute and read what I wrote,
I only begged you to stop giving me itsy bitsy promises,
Which I would hold on as tight as possible,
I never said you were a fool,
A fool I am for trying to patch things up,
As it leaves me lying in my own pool of tears.

Never did I compare you with others,
You thought I did all the time,
If I was so great, then who is the Almighty to compare,
But tonight will be the night that I know how you felt about me,
Tonight is the night I ever cried till dawn for being misunderstood yet again,
It's about time I faced reality that I no matter what I do,
He'd think of me otherwise even if it was out of care.