I want to post this because I want to remember the sentences that I had spat in my face today.

1. when I mentioned to have a slot for Saturday >>> "She's desperate"

2. when I mentioned a performance >>> " You're mean"
" You're harsh"

3. when I voiced the injustice >>> "What difference does it make even if I come to practice tomorrow?"

4. when I announced I would like to retire and was stating problems >> "I thought you said you retired?"

Seriously, from the two main people I cherished and loved, I hope you know how hurting you are yet again and disrespectful and inconsiderate.

A little add on to that particular someone, don't tell me lies just to pacify me for that one moment. Don't tell me you'll tell D to do etc, etc, etc, and you'll be there for me. And after when I asked you again for reassurance, you twist and turn your words and pretended the promises you made never happened. I'm not a kid J, I'm not, so quit being a jerk and be a man. I'm not a barbie doll. You lied more than once, and you're testing my relationship with you. I'm a person who hates crying, but you certainly succeeded in making it a habit for me. And I was right, you should've stayed ten yards away from me. You're just you, and you'll never change, you always overlook at other people's feelings and not bother thinking about how they would face after that. Let me repeat who am I to you for real, I'm just trash to you, J. Admit it.

Today, I've decided to let the conductor do it on his own. I came up with a little white lie and told him I would not be coming. Yep, they wasted half an hour and ignored the poor boy. However, those reading this blog may not agree with the wasted half an hour part but take it or leave it, you know that's not how it would've been in the usual days despite the amount of people present.

Okay, after much confusion and frustration, we got the choir working. I was quite disappointed because I wanted to start on the Medley today but then all these unnecessary stuff just kept popping up. Alright, I was still satisfied with the progress. Got to lunch, hah! That's when forget anemia or whatsoever, they just wiped out all the blood in me.

I don't really want to get into details about it but I am sick and tired of their selfishness. Really, of all people going against me, are those whom I spent months toiling with and getting crap from them till the day they made success in November 15th 2008. Respect? Forget it. I've never done anything that unorganized before. I could've sworn I made sure I informed all the necessary committees that may be clashing with my practices. I certainly did not train that particular committee to do whatever they just did today.

I wanted to lecture Jieguan. But what's the point? It's done. You won, all of you. I'm tired of fighting, I fought for you last year, and I am facing my consequences now. Yet, I thought that this is a blessing from God that despite what I have to face this year, with my insane schedule, I get to do what I love doing, music. But what is it to them? They just think its funny to come and go anytime they liked. Typical of them.

My mom said something really true that night. "Maine, you're not doing this because its a job you hired with your certs or education, you're doing this because you love music, but look at you, I see you getting heartbroken more than you gaining the sense of satisfaction that you should be getting"

I want to say, I'm tired. I would use the word "resurrect" because no one has seen how I speed on the highway yet. But I have been doing that for the past few months last year. I faced life and death alone. But doing it for choir now, it was fun, its something I love doing. Music is my life, I breathe music. But there is no music when the people making music treats you like trash.

I really love plunking notes for the past few weeks figuring out here and there. I love what I did, I love what we all had, I love tackling a person's problems, I love having to understand their difficulties in grasping melodies, I love being nothing but the person who finds the root of the problem and providing a solution for music. Tell you the truth, when they sang in harmony, it was pure, clean, fresh, air.

But a choir is not a one man show. Same goes to those who were involved in the camp last year, there's no one man show in anything like this. But look at the decisions you guys are taking?

You know whats funny? I had a friend who said he didnt want me to go through what hell I've gone through last year this time. I was really touched by his words because I thought he understands. Sadly, the person who said it, is the right arm of the people who are causing me endless episodes of upsets. Did you really mean what you said? Or you merely meant it out of a gesture of mannerism and whatever I felt and faced is just nothing to you?

Sometimes, there are people in this world that would just not stop lying to you. They think lying to you is making you happy for that moment. Well, what happens after that moment? The truth of course. On Tuesday, I had a very successful choir practice, really, I was very impressed with the attendance and the cooperation I had. I slept in class, got down to get coffee during class break and strived through the rest of the day. On Tuesday night, I got worried, what if they forget the parts again? No, I cannot let this happen, they are always losing it after getting that little progress. I called Peggy and she called the rest of the part leaders to arrange a small meeting for the next day.

I asked her later that night if everybody agreed. She said yes, I was more than happy when I heard Sheryi would be joining us too. I met Jieguan online. He said hopefully he can come and stuff...then I told him if its transportation and disturbing his mom I would gladly pick him up from home despite the distance. The conversation ended there which was then Darren came online. He had a shock that Jieguan agreed to my meeting because the cf was having one too at the same time frame. Okay, I didn't want to jump into conclusions so soon, so I called Jieguan and even texted him but to no avail.

Wednesday, my schedule was supposed to be like this :

8am-10am --- Class
10am-12pm--- Break
12pm-2pm--- Class
2pm- 3pm--- Teaching

because I thought everybody agreed, it turned into this:

8am-10am--- Class
10am-12pm--- Teaching
12pm-2pm--- Class
2pm---Go back to Seremban for meeting

Which of course, I was half an hour late for my afternoon class...

I got to Parkson where the leaders were supposed to meet. Jieguan told Peggy he is very busy and will come later. I glanced at my watch and it was already 3.02pm while the meeting was supposed to be 2.30pm.

Talk about respect. Pooh!

I've never been so hardworking before. *sobs* There's just so much to do and I'm not doing enough with the time I have. And that's just my studies in college, not forgetting my vocal and piano lesson which I am starting to slack these days. I find that I am procrastinating but I'm not entirely sure if that's what I am really doing because nothing seems to be lazy on my list so far and the only time I lay still is when I'm just too tired that I gotta sleep.

There's got to be a way out of all these juggling. I've not been practicing my piano and I am so dead, I've not memorised a single song I promised. I've not completed a single Economics assignment what more begin my revision? Shucks....there's just too much to do. I regretted delaying my Law assignment for so long. Here I am now, quarantined myself for 8 hours in the college library just to do nothing but my assignment and my one weekend late business tutorial. I need to practice my piano exam pieces and my voice is so horrible since that bad inflammation and I've yet to work it out to sing properly again.

What have I been doing? I don't know. I always have something to do. But I admit that the previous weekend you know the one with the Monday holiday... I really took that weekend off to sleep. Yes, I finally slept. And last weekend, well I watched Dragonball on Thursday, Love matters on Friday and spent time with mom on Saturday. Is that procrastination? You tell me :-s

I'm so dead, I feel like dying. My hands ache from all these load of writing. LOL and I'm typing right now. I'm so bored of looking at words. And I have a test this Friday. My mom asked me this morning, "You said you're happy being so hectic, are you still happy now?" Well, I am tired and in trouble, alot of trouble in fact, but am I still happy? Yes I am. No doubts about that. Why? I don't know. I chose my round of fun, I chose my round of hell. So I had fun, now I face hell. It's a cycle ain't it?

Well, wish me luck that I'll survive! Toodles!

1. Clear the mess on my bed.
2. Sort out paper files
3. Store clothes into wardrobe
4. Clear study table in mom's room
5. File up business past year papers
6. Print out economics past year papers
7. Print out recent law notes
8. Do laundry
9. Sweep bedroom
10. Record parts for choir
11. Complete law assignment
12. Memorise O mio Babbino Caro
13. 2 lessons this week for Andrea
14. Practice pieces and UPM scores
15. Economics Assignment
16. Extra choir practice on Saturday
17. Help Ps. P on Saturday afternoon

Eeeeeeeeeee I'm going to die!!!!!!!!!!! I regret procrastinating for the past one weekend. *sobs*

Tonight I came home after another long day of working with the choir. Hell yeah, so much for telling me to shut up, everyone just went haywire. It's as though, it's a fun thing? And then I realised, that I was wrong. It is my job, yes, but it's just an activity to them. So yeah, I shouldn't compare them with professional work.

First thing's first, they are awesome people, they make music with the bits and pieces of everybody's random talents and combine it together, it's just amazing when it comes to working out parts. We'd get all headache-y and then annoyed and stuff and joke about. That's life, I like that.

The first thing I did when I got home just now was to play up everything we worked out just now. I admit that I am a lousy pianist, so I had to work out every chord, I'm not as talented as those I worked with today. Sigh! I really admire their skills... But as I worked for about an hour, it sinks into me that it may have been because of me, that I have not done what a proper guide would have done, I am after all still immature in the vocal field. I may be the root of our prolonging problems...

Training them has no more been fun. And turning into a dominating mode only scares me reminding me how hard I tried for the cf last time. I really want to call it quits now, but I don't want to be known as irresponsible either. I would miss out on my passion to working on music and to exploring each other's unique voices, but it's no more fun if it means I'll have to be that beast I tried so hard to vanish.

It's just too straining, and everybody's got their own reasons and problems. I could hold it in and compromise a few times, but I am just too tired.

I'm finally ill. Lost my voice which means I'll have no other way of talking, no method of shutting my thoughts off and not listening to other people. I asked myself, what happens when April comes? What happens when it's all over? What do you do, and where does that lead you?

It's March. I'm freaking out, I have no idea what happens when it's over. Let go, let go, I told myself, let go, but why am I drawing myself nearer? It's certainly not an effective method of letting go by going nearer. Will I make it? Because at this point, I feel as though I'm allowing myself to float to the realms of insanity.

Is it true that just because of what black episode of your life you cannot go forward and make better ones? I just can't seem to find the way out right now. What am I not doing that is preventing me from letting go?

We text, we meet, we talk, we love............ what does it take to make it happen?

It's just one person. A person out of the many chosen at that point of time, a person whom you once shared your heart and love with who doesn't with you anymore. Why is it so difficult to let go?

I still wear his heart for the memories. But here's the question, what does it take to let go?