Solitude

Looking at the slideshows we did to wrap up the camp, I found myself in tears. Because despite of all the hardships, here we are, completing the camp, which marks my end, of aiding my friends to strive for something I strived for during my times. There had been many reasons why I came back... but they never did settle as a reason rather than the strongest reason that is to serve Him.

I made a decision to come back because I know I can never wipe out my past, and I can never stand up again ever since that phase of broken heartedness. I came back to make a change in that environment, to tell myself, that the world is much nicer if I make it so. But then again, I never would have came back if Jieg never gave me the call for help when he started adding me online. I never would have came back if I never spoke to friends and teachers whom I've been neglecting since the day I left school.

I made a promise last year, that I am to come back if CF needed me no matter what. I never fulfilled it until I really did so four months back. It was a big step, a vast change and many adjustments had to be made that affected my future. Now, after the camp, my life has just hit me back and slapped me repeatedly accusing me for abandoning it too long. It's very difficult for me to climb up that mountain where I was 4 months ago, but I have to I guess, because now that these friends of mine have spreaded their wings, they no longer need me, nor require my services.

I have never been a very very nice senior. I know that myself, I apologize for I am rather emotional when it comes to them not doing what I would've done if I were to be in their shoes. It just hurts so bad to see them stand in restlessness and despair. And it hurts me far worse to see them let it go, something I've been trying so hard to make a difference since I was 16.

I loved every moment of it, but with my added on presentation slides with the snapshots I captured throughout this 4 months, it will be a memory for me that I will never forget. But I hope my presence and this phase of my return shall be forgotten by them soon enough, and may they realise that these has all been their doings and not mine. Because in the end, if they had not done something, whatever that I had strived for meant nothing. For they are the current vision and the eyes of the eagle, it is their choice and decision to soar up, not mine. I am just nothing but a passer by.

If given a choice to turn back time, I would've done the same decision again. If given a choice to do it again next year, I would, in fact, I've moved out of campus accomodation, to fully spend my time in Seremban, hoping that there'll be more opportunities for me to help and serve in. Maybe not these friends, I'm sure they are sick of me already, maybe others who wouldn't mind a stranger coming in and making big changes and being bossy and then disappear like the wind...