My Mother

Perhaps its because I can see the signs of her aging face..
I never really noticed how old she has become as I grew up these years,
How I used to hate her when she was the uncool woman, always the one out of date and embarrasses me in front of me and my friends,
Then how she worked her way through to understand me when I turned 14.
Replacing my father's position, being both parent at the same time to ensure I don't lose out on any bit of love,
She tries her best to be fair to us four,
But I don't think we ever really noticed...

No, it's not like a wake up call today or whatsoever, its just that today I'm just so tired in running this camp.
Because I noticed coming back to CF has been the highest price I can never be able to pay.
Never will I forget how my mom rushed to cook just to send me back to school for something that has nothing to do with her...
Then my demand increased, they needed the car to the campsite...
Mom took the bus home from school...
Why did I let that happen?
I hate myself so much for that.

I have become just like that man who left her three years back,
Working her out without a limit,
Not caring how she felt...
How we fought when I couldn't get what I wanted.
I feel so unworthy today,
Because I thought I was serving, but instead,
I think I'm just being disobedient...

She went to work in another state,
Just because she knows she can't afford to pay for my final semester,
She hated her work there,
But she stayed on,
I thought I could make her feel better by telling her I have a business for her,
Cater for the camp, and get out of work there early by 4 days...
Lose the money there,
Get it here,
Be close to me,
And be a part of my work like how she always wanted to.
But here I am today,
Telling her, Mom, I'm sorry but I don't think you can cater anymore...

But she still rested my mind saying
"It's okay, I need a break anyways..."
I hate it when she pretends to be alright when I know she's disappointed,
It just reminds me so much on how hard she tried to put up a brave front three years back,
Till one very morning she just broke down hugging me and cried on my shoulders...

I made a vow that morning that I will never want to disappoint her,
But I seem to be doing so,
Over and over again,
With my studies,
My music,
My promises broken...

Again will I say, I hate that man who told me to come back for this camp... because he caused me so much to pay.
I don't know how else to feel nor do I know what should I do,
Because even the day when mom was to leave to work,
I was on the phone with the CF president because he wanted me to have lunch with the guitarist.
How my mom cried,
How she was upset,
Because she felt like she lost a daughter...

Yet before she left,
She told me to take care and do my best,
She said she believes that I will achieve in whatever I do.

She risked it all for me,
She lost so much,
Energy,
Hope,
Dreams,
Desires,
Needs and wants,
She still respond to me optimistically and gently,

Which makes my heart break even faster,
Making me doubt my return,
Because I wish I spent the past four months with her instead..

My life is falling apart,
I,
The child she has the highest hope on,
I hate myself,
There's no point for tears,
I don't know what is there to blame on,
But my mere stupidity and naiive soul,

I'm only sorry for her,
And to disappoint the lady,
The teacher who prayed for me when I was watching my dad leave,
The Ms Ng who listened to me instead of the others who gossiped,
I owe it all to her,
A spiritual mother..

I owe it all to my mother,
To my spiritual mother,
I never knew the price was indeed so high,
Where I am now still working my way through
Every penny every cent I owe...