I don't know how you do it,
But you do it so well,
You rip open that stitch,
Dig out my ugly flesh along with some capillaries,
Wonder your hands in that bloody wound,
Pushing and pulling,
Every ounce of my blood drip off your fingertips,
Every pound of my flesh is brutally ripped out,
You can be so emotional,
Yet so cruel,
The evil desire of yours,
To know and to feel every part of me,
Every part of my thought, my heart, my feelings,
Till you are satisfied and contented,
You leave me bleeding to death,
I mean nothing to you the minute you got what you wanted,
You just walk away pretending that nothing has ever taken place today.

5 things that is running through my mind right now.

1) My Vocal Exam
2) My ex who text me just now.
3) Our trip to Eagle Ranch
4) Jieg being 20 km away from me
5) My really messy room.


It's not really a tag, but I'd still do it anyways, Karen? You're tagged! lol

We've just been introduced,

I do not know you well,

But when the music started

Something drew me to your side.

So many men and girls,

Are in each others arms-

It made me think we might be

Similarly occupied.

Shall we dance?

On a bright cloud of music shall we fly?

Shall we dance?

Shall we then say "Goodnight and mean "Goodbye"?

Or perchance,

When the last little star has left the sky

,Shall we still be together

With are arms around each other

And shall you be my new romance?

On the clear understanding

That this kind of thing can happen,

Shall we dance?

Shall we dance?

Shall we Dance?

You told me you don't anymore,
I swallowed those hurtful words,
And with the help of my friends,
I moved on in life,
I am nothing but pure contentment,
With whatever I have,
Whatever I achieved,
Then you go and come around,
Saying you wanna be friends again,
Thinking that you really meant it,
Till today you told me what you intended,
You loved me still that's why you came back into my life,
You ignored my question,
Pretending you never said that sentence,
I don't know what to think,
I only know that you're unfair,
Because you hold on to the grudge of something I did,
Whereas I have showered you with love more than whatever I've done,
You had your mistakes too,
Hurtful ones with other girls,
Funny they never mattered to me,
Because I loved you so,
As of now....
You scare me,
For who you are,
For who I loved,
I hate that I love you so.

My journey has just begun,
And this journey will last only seven days,
Will I succeed in achieving something that I've had a passion,
But yet deny it out of fear and discrimination,
Or will I fall, fail due to my fraility...

I've made a decision to give it a shot,
The moment I made that decision,
I told him,
That watchful eye that faded 5 months ago,
In hope that he will keep watch for me,
I know I am not in the position to,
But I had to try,
Because at this point of time,
I have no one in hope for me,
I have nothing to hope for,
I have no one to turn to...

Thank you, dear you,
For telling me I would be in your prayers,
Because you're the only one who understands,
How I've been feeling and how I truly feel,
I am nothing but sorry, and regret,
For hurting you previously,
But you have given me hope,
With that simple sentence...

I pray to God tonight
That all the prayers I'll be receiving,
Will be heard by Him,
Because I really had no intention to sloth,
But rather I made a decision to push everything aside,
To what my heart told me to do,
Just that I never expected it to last for 4 months...

Now I'm on my own again,
Yet, much stronger and in hope,
I still fear their fall,
Funny thing is,
Why do I still worry and think about them,
Now that I have a time bomb in front of me?

I can only imagine what would life be,
The day I see them pass me by,
All grown up,
But coming back to do what was done this time...

As for my voice,
I made a decision to try this Tuesday,
Because of what I sang on Saturday,
And Sunday,
I meant every word I sang

My father I adore you,
May you not ever leave me,
Because you mean more than music to me,
You are my melody,
And it was my desire and still is to do what I did,
I want to sing to You,
That you'd be my vision and focus when I stand on that stage,
That you'll grant me that faith.

Looking at the slideshows we did to wrap up the camp, I found myself in tears. Because despite of all the hardships, here we are, completing the camp, which marks my end, of aiding my friends to strive for something I strived for during my times. There had been many reasons why I came back... but they never did settle as a reason rather than the strongest reason that is to serve Him.

I made a decision to come back because I know I can never wipe out my past, and I can never stand up again ever since that phase of broken heartedness. I came back to make a change in that environment, to tell myself, that the world is much nicer if I make it so. But then again, I never would have came back if Jieg never gave me the call for help when he started adding me online. I never would have came back if I never spoke to friends and teachers whom I've been neglecting since the day I left school.

I made a promise last year, that I am to come back if CF needed me no matter what. I never fulfilled it until I really did so four months back. It was a big step, a vast change and many adjustments had to be made that affected my future. Now, after the camp, my life has just hit me back and slapped me repeatedly accusing me for abandoning it too long. It's very difficult for me to climb up that mountain where I was 4 months ago, but I have to I guess, because now that these friends of mine have spreaded their wings, they no longer need me, nor require my services.

I have never been a very very nice senior. I know that myself, I apologize for I am rather emotional when it comes to them not doing what I would've done if I were to be in their shoes. It just hurts so bad to see them stand in restlessness and despair. And it hurts me far worse to see them let it go, something I've been trying so hard to make a difference since I was 16.

I loved every moment of it, but with my added on presentation slides with the snapshots I captured throughout this 4 months, it will be a memory for me that I will never forget. But I hope my presence and this phase of my return shall be forgotten by them soon enough, and may they realise that these has all been their doings and not mine. Because in the end, if they had not done something, whatever that I had strived for meant nothing. For they are the current vision and the eyes of the eagle, it is their choice and decision to soar up, not mine. I am just nothing but a passer by.

If given a choice to turn back time, I would've done the same decision again. If given a choice to do it again next year, I would, in fact, I've moved out of campus accomodation, to fully spend my time in Seremban, hoping that there'll be more opportunities for me to help and serve in. Maybe not these friends, I'm sure they are sick of me already, maybe others who wouldn't mind a stranger coming in and making big changes and being bossy and then disappear like the wind...

Perhaps its because I can see the signs of her aging face..
I never really noticed how old she has become as I grew up these years,
How I used to hate her when she was the uncool woman, always the one out of date and embarrasses me in front of me and my friends,
Then how she worked her way through to understand me when I turned 14.
Replacing my father's position, being both parent at the same time to ensure I don't lose out on any bit of love,
She tries her best to be fair to us four,
But I don't think we ever really noticed...

No, it's not like a wake up call today or whatsoever, its just that today I'm just so tired in running this camp.
Because I noticed coming back to CF has been the highest price I can never be able to pay.
Never will I forget how my mom rushed to cook just to send me back to school for something that has nothing to do with her...
Then my demand increased, they needed the car to the campsite...
Mom took the bus home from school...
Why did I let that happen?
I hate myself so much for that.

I have become just like that man who left her three years back,
Working her out without a limit,
Not caring how she felt...
How we fought when I couldn't get what I wanted.
I feel so unworthy today,
Because I thought I was serving, but instead,
I think I'm just being disobedient...

She went to work in another state,
Just because she knows she can't afford to pay for my final semester,
She hated her work there,
But she stayed on,
I thought I could make her feel better by telling her I have a business for her,
Cater for the camp, and get out of work there early by 4 days...
Lose the money there,
Get it here,
Be close to me,
And be a part of my work like how she always wanted to.
But here I am today,
Telling her, Mom, I'm sorry but I don't think you can cater anymore...

But she still rested my mind saying
"It's okay, I need a break anyways..."
I hate it when she pretends to be alright when I know she's disappointed,
It just reminds me so much on how hard she tried to put up a brave front three years back,
Till one very morning she just broke down hugging me and cried on my shoulders...

I made a vow that morning that I will never want to disappoint her,
But I seem to be doing so,
Over and over again,
With my studies,
My music,
My promises broken...

Again will I say, I hate that man who told me to come back for this camp... because he caused me so much to pay.
I don't know how else to feel nor do I know what should I do,
Because even the day when mom was to leave to work,
I was on the phone with the CF president because he wanted me to have lunch with the guitarist.
How my mom cried,
How she was upset,
Because she felt like she lost a daughter...

Yet before she left,
She told me to take care and do my best,
She said she believes that I will achieve in whatever I do.

She risked it all for me,
She lost so much,
Energy,
Hope,
Dreams,
Desires,
Needs and wants,
She still respond to me optimistically and gently,

Which makes my heart break even faster,
Making me doubt my return,
Because I wish I spent the past four months with her instead..

My life is falling apart,
I,
The child she has the highest hope on,
I hate myself,
There's no point for tears,
I don't know what is there to blame on,
But my mere stupidity and naiive soul,

I'm only sorry for her,
And to disappoint the lady,
The teacher who prayed for me when I was watching my dad leave,
The Ms Ng who listened to me instead of the others who gossiped,
I owe it all to her,
A spiritual mother..

I owe it all to my mother,
To my spiritual mother,
I never knew the price was indeed so high,
Where I am now still working my way through
Every penny every cent I owe...