Insanity

The reason why I said I need to stop all that is going on in my life is because I can feel that my body cannot take it anymore. I'm getting very restless and tired. I hadn't been practicing my piano pieces for nearing two weeks now. I have an assignment due this coming Tuesday and I've not started on a single thing. I have a class test this week too. Not studied a single crap.

What's wrong with me? I don't know. All I know is, I want someone to make me cry, let me scream. I'm getting out of control, I have pretended so much I don't know what I want out of myself. I have so many things to do yet I just sit down and let the time pass by and live with guilt and regret.

I told myself, Charmaine, let go, it's over, let all your past go, but it's just so hard. I can't help blaming those who have caused me to lose everything I strived so hard to build for myself. They enter your life and then they leave you taking everything you built. It's over but I want everything back. I know I sound like a lunatic. I'm trying so hard not to think like this, I really am. But this is just how I'm feeling inside.

Yes, I'm known by many that I never walk alone. I'm always with somebody. But does that really matter to me? When so many people walk by me, they don't really understand how I feel. I don't quite understand what I'm trying to express but I only know that I am still not happy. I'm still not as happy as how I used to be. What's wrong with me?

I hadn't been going to church in like so long. I tried so hard to get up and go, but my body and soul is just so depressing to actually go anywhere. My weekends are just lazing at home and don't think of anything and don't want to know what's there in my life. My head hurts all the time even though I am not thinking of anything because I am seeing everything in my mind flashing repeatedly, reliving guilt and regrets and wants and needs.

I believe I will go insane very soon. But there's no solution out of it as how I see it now.