It hurts... (The idol nite)

First and foremost, I must warn those who are reading this post that it is rather rather long. I'm sorry but I've just got too much to say. And if you don't think you have the time to read it word by word then don't attempt it because you won't get my meaning in the end.I've stressed on certain lines for those who can't get the idea of what I'm trying to express.

In the end, I've decided to watch the competition. It was pretty boring at first but then the event started to sink into me. The songs the contestants sang was as though it was a message sent to me. It all started when my coursemate sang Angels brought me here...

"It was a long and winding journey,but I'm finally here tonight,
Picking up the pieces and walking back into the light,
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies,
There's nothing like that feeling when I look into your eyes,
My dreams came true, when I found you,
I found you, my miracle...."

My heart lurched when I heard those words, its not like I've not heard that song before but somehow it hit me that it was talking to me about my passion for music. It has been quite a journey to where I am today, especially for piano. Though vocal was something I attempted in the recent years, it felt as though it was eternity. I suppose I felt so because singing has always been a part of me.

A girl sang "I want to be inside your heaven"...

"I've been down, Now I'm blessed,
I felt a revelation coming around,
I guess it's right, its so amazing,
Everytime I see you I'm alive,
You're all I've got,You lift me up,
The sun and the moonlight,
All my dreams are in your eyes..."

I know all these songs are for lovers but so what? How I long to dwell inside the haven of music. It is a never ending journey filled with excitement, hopes and dreams. It hurt me so much when I sat there for about 5 hours? Unknowingly, I sang along with the contestants, thank goodness no one threw me out of the concert. I was as excited as the contestants. I could really feel the thrill of being up there. Music is all I've got. No doubt in that.

The duet session began and a pair sang "A whole new world"... reminded me so much of myself when I was 8. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in the previous posts but yes, this song was the start of my passion in singing after I sang "Baby one more time" by Britney at home. I remembered my friend Anna and I sang Amazing grace acapella version in a family camp few years back. Not forgetting the time we entered ACS Idol singing "True to your heart" . When I got the Stevie Wonder part, I felt so alive.

Though the songs performed today were merely for romance, it felt like romance between me and music. Yes it sounds awkward but that's me with music. It is pure love, so sacred that I am so intimidated to touch it at times fearing I may lose it. At times music to me is just like a bubble, if I'm not careful enough, I may just lose it with a pop. This is what I feel like right now..

So I wondered what D said in the earlier sms, its not worth doing something I'll regret. At that moment my heart beat faster, I could feel my mind spinning so fast that I could just blackout.. I really want to do something about it. Then I heard "Because of you" by Kelly being performed which lowered me back into my dilemma.

"I lose my way, and its not too long till you point it out,
I cannot cry, because you know that weakness in your eyes,
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life,
My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with."

If only I had much faith before trouble appeared, I believe I'd be able to handle it. But like lyrics said it wasn't even whole to start with pointed out that I've never really seen my own potential as a whole in the process, not once. Its really upsetting.

Throughout the concert, I wrote till my hands ache, thought till became numb. Wrote and thought of things that was not of my concern. I pictured myself if I were those contestants singing those songs and how I would've done it.. Its rather absurd since I didn't attempt the audtition and now planning to quit voice..

With that, this song came into mind:

(James Blunt's Carry you home)

"Trouble is her only friend and his back again,
Makes her body older than it really is,
And she says its high time she went away,
No one's got much to say in this town,
Trouble is the only way down, down, down

As strong as you were, tender you go,
I'm watching you breathing for the last time,
A song for your heart, and when it is quiet,
I know what it means....."

Do you know what it feels to me? Many may think I sound dramatic but its only the truth. It reflects as though music will breathe in me for the last time because trouble would not leave me not for a second...and its high time I went away...because I feel so tired of encountering problems over and over again. My inadequate music capabilities, money, time constraint, help needed, being new and alone in this area of music, I feel that I'm just too young to be handling all this.

Towards the end, my coursemate did not win, but to me, I felt that he won. The courage he had to strive till this far, the challenge he took to sing in front of so many people would be something I ought to learn if I ever were to be professionally involved in music.

I really don't want to quit, trust me, that would be the last thing I'd want to do if given a choice. However, I feel weaker day by day, and as Will Young sang in the song "Leave right now"..

"I think I'd better leave right now,
Before I fall any deeper,
I think I'd better leave right now,
Feeling weaker and weaker,
Somebody better show me how,
Before I fall any deeper,
I think I better leave right now"

Metaphorically, you've found the man of your dreams but you know it'll never work between the both of you. Before you do fall so deeply in love with him, you ought to leave. For those who know me well enough, I've already fallen so deeply in love with.......... Needless to say, its gonna hurt really bad if nobody show me how to find a solution out of this complicating mind boggling situation.

I'll never know whether the grass is greener on the other side with music if I quit. I will regret it I know but for now, with everything going DEAD again for the UMPTEENTH time, it seems the best to do. However, I pray that something will turn out right and may God show me the way or send me someone to help me out of this.. IF that really happen, Rascal Flat's God bless the broken road would be appropriate,

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars,
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road,
That led me straight to you"

My road is broken, would anyone take my hand and together help me out of this?