Picture from www.123rf.com

I never knew it would hurt that bad to talk about it. I thought I would have put it all behind me by now. But it still hurts like a fresh wound. That very day when you walked through that door with her in your hands. I couldn't set my eyes on her. At that moment, all I ever thought of what mistakes I would've done to deserve all these. Where was the love at home? When did it start going out the window?

You were so proud when you introduced her. Like she's your gem, the love of your life. What about what we had? Didn't we go through thick and thin to be where we are today, where you are today? I had to smile, I had to look so carefree. The look I gave and always would have gave ever since the day you walked out my door. That one thing I vowed to do when you decided to pack your bags and leave, I swore I'd never cry for you. I pretended you never had an influence in my life.

I remember that fine day, I woke up, I fell off the stairs, I sprained my foot and I was wailing so loudly. You came up to me and told me to shut up. From then I knew, the man who would carry me to bed was never there anymore. From that day I knew the torch I always carried for you, was switched off and will never be lit again. 

My feelings aside, you hurt your love of your life. How she suffered, how much pain she had to go through and for me to be with her reminding her of you with my presence each and every day. I hated myself. I hated the truth that I live your blood. I was ashamed of myself, my body, my name. But I couldn't hate you, no, I never once did. I still loved you but you never knew. You always thought I was after your money. You always thought I'd give in as long as you given me money and the things I wanted. There was only one birthday you actually tried to think of what I would like. Only one. The rest? It was all money. I never liked the things I bought with that money. They meant nothing to me.

I miss those Christmases we used to have. You'd take me out for my favorite meal. You'd be so excited to open the presents I got you. How you fumbled with the wrapper, you were never a patient person. Can love evaporate in time? Can it be forgotten as we grow older? Could it be transferred to another person, a sudden desire to love another person and not the ones you once loved?

She look like me you know. The eyes, the smile, the dimple. But I was never perfect for you, was I? I was never good enough for you. You told me you regretted not spending time with me. You told me that day. Isn't it 6 years too late? Where were you when I was heartbroken from broken relationships? Where were you when I didn't know what to do with the only one I have close to me when she was hurting? Where were you when I needed prayers? 

Now that I'm older. The walls I built around me becomes thicker, more complicated. Sometimes I don't understand why I'm here. Sometimes I wonder when the end will come to all these misery. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to give her the love you used to give her. I try and try again but it will never be the same. You took a piece of her heart away when you decided otherwise. You are so happy when I introduced you to the love of MY life, but did you know how hard I struggled to try to love? Did you know what I had to go through to trust someone else? Did you ever know how much I loved you? How for once, I wished, you'd just come back to us, and tell us everything will be alright, that nothing has changed. But till today, I'm just some one's daughter, who's pa forgot to pick her up from school anymore.

Image courtesy of Weddings-paradise.com

I've been watching a lot of romantic movies and proposal videos on Youtube lately. Not that I'm getting married anytime soon nor been proposed to yet, just feeling a little bit in the moment... Thus, here's what a young girl like me would dream about, silly me I know! But can't help it! :D

As much as I appreciate spontaneity, I would still want the proposal to be recorded-lah! :P So I have something to share with my kids when its their time! Hehe! * dreams *

I guess I've always been brought up simple, I don't need a fancy restaurant, but I've a fetish for table cloths, so a nice cosy place for dinner would be great!

I guess it's too much to ask but there are two main things that I'd really love to have for my proposal. Being a musically inclined person, I believe in expressing oneself through music. If my partner-to-be would sing me a love song, it would be so wonderful. I once fell in love with a man who sang me a really cheesy song by Adam Sandler. It's the heart that matters, and I know he meant every word of it...

Supposedly getting down on one knee gesture is the classic way of proposing. Personally, I take it as a sign that my soul mate is willing to let down his ego and guards and to open up his heart to love wholly. I don't fancy a huge diamond ring with the "4C" requirements but rather, the prepared heart to begin a life's journey with me.

On a separate note (has ZERO involvement to the proposal setting), despite my wild attitude and obviously over mediated person, I'm still very much a conservative girl. It would mean the world to me, if my partner-to-be has approached both my parents for permission. I always believed in parents' blessings, and that would lift the weight off my shoulders. However, most from our generation these days, often assume that marriage is only about "us against the world". To me, the world does revolve around us somehow, you can't deny it, and we should always honor the Commandment, "to honor our parents"

Image courtesy of Artofmanliness.com

Lastly, it would touch me deeply, if he were to recite the verse:-

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
It does not seek its own, does not take into account a wrong suffered;
Does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails, but now faith, hope love...
Abide these three;
But the greatest of these is love.




1 Chorintians 13:4-7,13.

Image courtesy of Wholeheartedministries

I once asked a man, why he knew he loved me. He opened the Bible and said, when he asked God about me, He gave him this verse, and that would be the most beautiful vow of all. 

I've finally completed my Diploma. After two years of A-levels, which was a total mistake, then another two years of Diploma, I feel older already. But definitely not progressing. I envy the young lads who can take their time in the course. As for me, I sped it through like a train. I hardly made any friends nor memories that was worth keeping for the years ahead.

I worked without rest till the beginning of my new semester. I am currently enrolled in Bachelor of Communications in Public Relations affiliated with Murdoch University in Perth, Western Australia. The Diploma that I now hold, gives me an advance standing to the second year of degree. I suppose it is a fair reward for a person who's done foundation studies for four years and finally getting on to a degree. The scary part is, I don't get to start from scratch in my degree, make the silly mistakes a year 1 student would have. Everyone expects you to already know what's going on and what's next.

It's been hard few months since I've enrolled in this course. Fortunately, my family and church friends have been supportive. I really loved my job at the pharmacy. It was a part time job I go to daily after I resigned from the advertising company I was interning for. People at the pharmacy (near my college) were really nice to me. I felt at home, and I had friends. Some people to talk to. I've always felt lonely here in PJ. Always felt like I don't belong here...

Thankfully Z has always been there for me and have not stepped into the mall on weekends at all for the first two months! He's been with me through assignments and buttload of stress. Thank you! And not forgetting how he pampers me with my new crave for "Shared Tea" After many years of hating bubble tea, I'm finally in the trend! In Malaysia, Shared Tea is not as famous as Chatime and other bubble teas, but I do enjoy it. Read about it here.

I eventually lost control of time management and gave up my part time job. I'm a full time student now, and I hope it's for the best. I have more time with my loved ones and my new found passion for cooking.

Teriyaki Chicken Salad

Mainey's Hot Dogs

Sloppy Joe's

So yep, I can only pray and trust in the Lord with His word in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" as I accomplish this new load of stress!

Picture taken from thewordwhisperer2.blogspot.com

Dearest,

When I first met you, I couldn't trust you, you felt too good to be true, but you stuck with me. I treated you badly, I finally came around, you still held my hand and I owe you one. I tried to turn the table around and be the patient one to keep this relationship going. Little did I know that it took over a year and a half and I'm still playing this role.

It may seem normal to you, that we don't communicate for days or even weeks. But it's not for me. Let us not compare other relationships that we seem normal. To me, communication is the key, and if we're not the person we think of in the day and when we sleep at night, then may be we have not found the right one. I always loved your shy attitude. But now I'm starting to think that you aren't shy. You just don't want to hold my hand.

I love you so much that it hurts and consumes me. The feeling is so overwhelming that I would cry any minute in the day. I love you so much that I was willing to tell myself and the world that we are made for each other. Now I just feel that I'm falling into a deep, deep hole.

I hope one day you will realize that I have loved you with all my heart and that never once I thought of leaving you. That I am nothing like your past, and what I had hoped for the both of us is the present and now. I pray it wouldn't be long for you to realize so, at least it wouldn't be too late before my heart turns cold bearing the scars that I carry with me.

I guess I wrote it all down because I never had the heart to tell it to your face. Because I had always devoted myself to give you love and kisses, never would I want to argue about us. Never had I demanded for any materialistic items. I have always appreciated who you are and what you give to me. But things have to come to an end some day, before it's too late. I need to stop all these uncertainties. I need to climb out of this black hole. I need to stop loving and hurting at the same time. I hope some day I'll be braver and be able to love again.

"Someday I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior, standing on my own two feet"

 Picture taken at Central Park, BU, PJ.

5 days passed and he finally called. I am somehow afraid of technology. Through the Internet I know what he was doing and everything else. This is not about a cheating partner! But it would've been simpler if it was.. This is about me not being able to tap into his life, understanding and even joining him in doing what he likes or enjoys. To me, there are still too many gaps in this relationship that leaves me on the dotted line of insecurities.

I am not an expert in relationships. But after two years of being with someone, I would really expect to know more about that someone by now. Am I having high expectations? I really don't know, as far as I'm concerned, I don't think so. I want to be that someone in his life that when he thinks or hears about me, there's a sparkle just like how I would have for him in return. Forgive me if I sound as though I am trying to conquer his life, but I just want to matter.

I can feel the walls of our relationship cracking little by little everyday. But all I do is look forward to the more opportunities that we can spend time with each other. I'm not really sure if it is wise, but I was hold on to the fact that there is something called love that brought us together. Question is, is it still there or are we just lying to ourselves? If it's a lie, I really don't want to step out of this lie, if it is reality, I really am afraid of this reality.

I probably don't make sense at all in this post, but these are the questions that have been clouding me for several days now. Ever since I completed my internship, I just had so much time to think and to decide what I want to do in this new year, but matters like this, I can not afford to make a mistake. Am I in love or have we fallen out of love or have I been the only one falling in love every day?

Is a relationship really all about the 3 month mile stone where the honeymoon period ends and everything becomes dull and routine-like? Will I be able to commit my life to someone whom I seem to have run out of topics to communicate with? Or am I getting bored of this safe relationship and yearning for some hot juice drama?

It is all so blurry, thick and messy like a puddle of mud. I truly care for this person but I am unsure if it is a right choice. I am sick and tired of trying to have him be accepted by the family.

Most of all, I am tired because I feel all alone even though I am not alone. I feel loved yet unloved at the same time. I feel cared but abandoned.

I danced, I laughed, I smiled,

Your gaze was locked with mine,

Those were the days when you knew you fell in love,

Those were the days I knew you fell in love...

The endless hours of conversation,

It felt like there's no tomorrow,

The skyrocketing phone bills,

Our furious parents,

We couldn't care less,

Those were the days...

You held my hand for the first time,

We walked into the night and sat by the swing,

We watched kids pass by,

We witnessed the glorious sun go down,

And as the moon rise up,

We were with each other,

Those were the days...

Two years have gone by,

You are still by my side,

But that hand that once held me,

Is not the same as how it once felt,

The endless conversation,

Has found its ending,

And I have failed to find the beginning,

To even try to begin with...

However, some things have always kept us together,

I will never know whether it is by the power of the Almighty,

But I am here still because I am certain of my own heart,

That I have fallen in love with you since the day you wrote to me,

And I have loved you even more each day...

I wish you would come back to me,

The whole of you, not just the tangible you,

I pray you'd see it in my eyes that my heart aches to be loved,

And that I want to grow old with you,

I yearn for a little more comfort from you,

To end my misery of having you as mine,

But not quite mine...

Met up with a close friend of mine yesterday. If you have been following my blog since early 2008, then you should know the infamous, D by now. D came back from the States a few weeks ago and we finally had the chance to catch up, if you're reading this D, thanks for the coffee and yes I am still not used to Starbucks. Haha! :P

Good ol' D, always giving me space to share my thoughts and feelings, it wasn't long till we started talking about someone whom I use to know pretty well. Somehow it got me thinking tonight, of some things I have shared with this person. He used to be someone I could share my worries with when we were still in school and soon, one thing led to another. Unfortunately things turned ugly and we are no longer in touch. I remembered during those messed up times, there were exchange of words that one may not be able to move on...

However, I want to give credit to my darling even though he may not be perfect too, one thing that he did that made me realize for the past 2 years, is that when he set his eyes on me, he set his priorities straight too. I was once very insecure between him and his best friend, and he did all he could to assure me. That was something that we couldn't have back then, I always felt insecure. Its so different now with darling.

The future may seem shaky for me and my darling right now, but I sure am very glad that Z came into my life. Though I moved on pretty well before I met him, whatever we shared and still share is really so different, so fresh that I have no room to keep the past in mind. I thank God for taking control of things in my life, and knowing what's best for me. Even if there comes a day that we both may fall out of love (I hope not), I am just very contented with the memories I have of us in my heart and mind at this present state.

As for that someone I used to know, I pray that you will find love and that it will all work out for you. I still care and I always will, thank you for being a good friend when I needed one back then. I hope that one day, you can leave all the hate and anger behind and remember some of your old friends, and I sure would like to be one of them. :)

This is a night for me to again, count my blessing. I am very blessed with a pretty lame but loving darling, and a buddy who still listens to all my crap after all these years. :P