You flipped to that page again tonight,
When you text me to ask me why,
I forgive you for what you've done,
But why now and not then?
Because the hurt you gave me then,
Not anyone could pay that price..

We doubted each other,
I will never know how and why,
Now we are talking,
I don't want to get too close,
Because you still make my knees weak,
If you knew the true me,
I'd still be yours...

Amazing how you could smell another's hair,
'Cos I could swear you said mine was what you wanted,
Giving me hopes and dreams,
That was far higher than the sky,
Leaving me to fall lower than the gates of hell,
I hate that feeling you give me,
That hot and cold,
Need me then you don't,
'cos I really needed you,
Till I was on my knees begging,
With bleeding lips...
But you turned and said
Nice to meet me anyways...

Don't tell me how hard it had been,
I know better,
'Cos you said you were mine,
But you never stayed,
You collapsed that part of my world,
In which I've turned off the lights now,
I don't think I ever want to turn it on again...

Don't question me now,
Because you only make my body sick,
Everything I am now,
Is because of you,
You're like a chemical,
Poisoning me little by little,
Till every joint and every pore,
Turn blue....
Till I am cold and frozen,
With eye lids that will never shut again.

My head hurts..... I don't know what to say...
I'm sorry guys.

Is the camp really screwed?
I really don't know. I seriously hate the fact that there's nothing to be done in the end but to go on with the fiasco of the camp and let CF die. I mean, 46 members was a very encouraging number. But, one by one people drop out in the last week before the camp....

I guess, the journey for CF is about to an end...

I don't know what else to say and I don't know what else to expect. I only will hate and can only blame the person who caused me so much pain for bringing me back into this.

Darn exhausted today when I came back, cos I'm falling ill. I can feel it. Gonna need proper rest this weekend. Heh...yeah right as if anyone would let me. I was pretty tension when I was about to start worship today, dude, I'm no leader. Thank God they tolerated my fussiness and annoying attitude and hair pulling scenes.

Never did I imagine I had to lead B's worship. I've been preparing mine all week but never hers. Yikes, I thought... but oh what the heck eh? I'm really really grateful I had everybody's co-operation. Thank God.

I don't know if I've served the purpose that is to show B how it's done but I really felt like me when I did it. And the musicians and vocals were awesome....this people are undeniably talented. The way worship was brought up and quieten down, I don't think I've experienced that in a very long time.

It doesn't matter how well a person leads but rather how does the person relate to his or her team. That's something I learnt that I must master in order to gain better team work spirit.
I love them. :)

The feelings are rather uncertain, alike waves, slapping the sides of the beach, and moving backwards to the sea over and over again. The heat is penetrating but somehow the uncertainty gives me a dose of fear but at the same time, a dose of tranquility.

I hadn't been back at that place in days. But communications these days were no hindrance for any news to be left unknowing. This is when I picture myself as the blind, not being able to see how they are but I can only see their situation through what I hear and how my heart feels from it. That is one type of music I've always loved.

They are striving hard, I can imagine, beads of sweat flowing down the feeble leader trying to seek for a solution that seemed so near yet so far. I can sense, the tension, the pressure on the shoulders of his assistant, waving away with his hand when he thinks about it but it comes right back into his mind shortly after that. The team, two girls, two very lovely girls. One, after hearing the ugly comment from me, she attempts to make a difference by promising more and more. I can picture her arranging and re-arranging a shelf but still fail to make up her mind because there is just too many things going on in her life at this very moment. Too many events. As for the latter, she has the wisest opinions amongst all of them but keeps her lips pressed firm, unspoken till she's questionned.

I hear they gather together themselves, and pray to the Almighty. I could see a sligh shade of the evening glow shine upon them, there was a spark of unity in them but will it burn? I pray it would. Prayers aren't merely words, their hearts,souls and mind should be united as well and together cry out to Him. They finally "gave themselves no rest" though the clock may be ticking fast in their world, but slow in mine........... it is never too late.

I noticed a smirk of satisfaction as I gaze upon my reflection. Are they finally stepping over the hedge and noticed and feel and know and understand how I have been feeling and still am feeling for the past four months about them and about this event? Sometimes I wonder why do I do what I do, but I will never have the answer to it because it's something in me that tells me it is a command not a thought.

Where I am standing now on this stage, I have been crying out for them, these people who are supposed to be leading, they are my main purpose of crying without fail. The world around them are dimmed, because it is up to them to share the light. My committee are only few, our hands and feet can only reach out to a certain extend. It's somewhat I quote, "pick up your bed and walk" There is no time to regret, there is no time to turn back, rather, save yourselves and your neighbours from more disappointments, but rather, hold on, strive harder and call the shots.

The opportunity costs of getting us here and now no longer mattered. It will only come into place if you let all else fail. Put a price to the efforts made, don't make us regret because it was not mere concern that made us dip our foot in but rather, the friendship, the love, the need and the hope we had throughout the past 7 months of our lives after we left school that we intended to share with you, your youthful souls.

The door keeps slamming, I have warned you so, so embrace yourself and not walk away from that door and seek for a window instead. God has made you who you are and commanded His authority upon you and there is no shame when it comes to Him. Seek Him more, cry out to Him as how I have cried out for you. Don't give up, no, its not time yet to be six feet under my dear, and even if there'd come a chance you should, I would lay my body before yours does.

Sometimes things are easier achieved if we just surrender it to God, no, that doesn't mean we should sit down and fold our arms across but rather, pray before we speak to every individual about our purpose, pray before we walk out of that class, pray before we pray together as a team, pray before we even decide to lift a finger for anything. Sounds tedious? Well, God is a jealous God, there's no such thing as ONE PRAYER THAT SAYS IT ALL.... be in detail, He will open more doors for you.

You don't really have much choice now that you see the walls are closing in. I've been feeling that way ever since my return. I have fallen weak along the way but you guys are the angels I have never met. No, its not just my saying, many have said the same. I wish I was like you guys back then when I was still at school. But my time was then and gone, my team will only return for this one glimpse that feels like hell though just 9 days away but we should all together leave an imprint of the struggle we struggled for God.

I may be very engrossed with this, but I admire and adore every individual you. Drown in tears and let Him save you. Try and fail rather than protect yourself and regret later. Sixteen years of life is just the beginning, I'm only two years away, and life is already a bumpy journey the minute I stepped out of school. Hold on, and not be whom I've been, tired, alone, heavy yet weary. Smile, though you may be disappointed now, just smile and think positive, think success, you won't know what's next in line if you do so.

Don't wait, pick up the pieces, make something out of them.

Isn't it simple?

1. Don't just pray, but cry out to Him
2. Smile though your spirits are weakening

Strive, before the sun goes down. :)

“ By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. —John 13:35 ”


Tis the season to receive catalogs in the mail. Every trip to the mailbox ends with an armload of slick holiday catalogs. Each one claims to offer me something I need—immediately. “Don’t wait!” “Limited offer!” “Order now!”
The lure works. I open the pages to discover what I didn’t know I needed. Sure enough, I see things that suddenly seem essential, even though a few minutes earlier I didn’t know they existed. Manufacturers use catalog illustrations to create desire for their products.
In a way, Christians are God’s catalogs. We are His illustration to the world of what He has to offer. His work in our lives makes us a picture of qualities that people may not know they need or want until they see them at work in us.
Jesus prayed that His followers would be unified so the world would know that God sent Him and loved them as God loved Him (John 17:23). When Christ is alive in us, we become examples of God’s love. We can’t manufacture love. God is the manufacturer, and we are His workmanship.
As you browse holiday catalogs, consider what the “catalog” of your life says about God. Do people see qualities in you that make them long for God?

I don't want to do this anymore

I can no longer differentiate what's right and what's not

Why do you hate my care?

Why do you not treat me like a human being

I don't know how else to please you

But my breaking point yesterday

Was when I recalled

How I begged you to pray for your people

I had to beg you to pray

You should know who you are

See my brokenness

When I begged you to come

When I begged you to pray

When I begged you to hear

I'm no beggar

But you made me one.

....................................................

As for you,

I became your best friend,

But that doesn't mean you turn to me

For every little thing you do

I forever will love you

But you never thought of me

You never noticed how tired I am

And how I cried when you don't learn

All of my hope for you...

I am hurt

Because I can no longer help you

I have reached my limits,

When you tell me you can't and you cannot,

How easily you forget God

to not ask Him for strength.

I wish I could be you,

Do nothing and just say I cannot.

...................................................................................

As for you,

I miss you so much,

Because I want you to hear me out,

You care for them but you forgot how I strived,

When will you come back and give me that support I need?

I am so broken that I don't see what else is ahead

I turn to you

But you just go further away from me

We were in this together

Where did you go?

..................................................................................

You,

You're a devoted worshipper,

You have a voice so sweet,

But you forgot your priorities,

You worried about what the world thinks,

But not Him,

You refused to ask Him to guide you,

You say you cannot satisfy all of them,

What about me?

I live to satisfy all of them,

Think about me will you ever?

...................................................................................

As for this man,

Who came by to help me,

And help the rest of them,

I am ever more grateful,

But I just hope you know what you're getting into,

Looking at how hurt I am yesterday,

You should know by now,

All my delight is in ruins,

They may be prepared physically

But how are they spiritually?

...................................................................................

As for myself,

All of my strength is used to the max,

I hope I have done a fairly well job,

Even though I will still be the blame for every little thing,

I apologize for my return if I have caused you annoyance,

I can only thank you,

For sticking with me till this far,

I have nothing left to say,

But only a wilting shoot,

Awaits for them to think of me...