I accepted a job that I shouldn't have. The fact that I'm not good in those subject is enough to kill. The education of those who would be attending my class is in my hands. Though I loved teaching, though given the lecture notes I can somewhat make out of it, I can't teach just like that. However, it was a help needed by a close family friend in which I failed to say no. This whole week I've got myself into a lot of things. Assignments especially.. sigh!!

Anyways, I arrived at the tuition centre obviously freaking out since I've gotta teach a bigger class now. Walked into the classroom to see bout 25 dudes? I walked straight to the front and the voices of them gossiping eventually died down.

Me: Goodevening
Class: Goodevening

So then they looked at me really awkwardly. The silence was defeaning so I decided to give it a shot and break the ice..

Me: um... One quick question? Am I in the right class? cos I was told to teach english here..
but no one seems to be talking to me.. and um.. should I speak a different language?

The class giggle a little so then I said " alright guys ready to start yet?Any questions you wanna ask me before I start the lesson?"

The minute they heard the word "guys" a smile curved up on their faces. They asked for my name and so the class begun.. I walked around a lot, gone to each individual explaining as much as I can wherever they didn't understand. Two indian boys were giggling and talking whilst I was teaching so I turned around and asked "What's so funny? I'm not pretty enough to teach is it?"(with one hand on my waist)... if so then I'll just go home now......" ---the class rolled with laughter. HAHAH

So they denied (thank god!!!) So then I said, I don't understand tamil though I'm indian but I don't want to let you know what I know and what I know is something that you don't wanna know. So then they freaked and kept quiet.

They cheated me by saying that their teacher would give them the answers after reading it once. So I said it wasn't fair. We came to an agreement where I'd do one question and they'd do one. So cute!! Like little kids..

I cracked more jokes here and there and soon the English class was over. They left and I could hear the boys telling someone out there that the teacher was pretty. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!
So sweet...!
The girls came to me and asked if I'd come back next week, sadly, no

Science class was hilarious. The first ten minutes I confused myself and them between exothermic reaction and endothermic reaction. It was a class of five. So I decided to sit down and stop the teaching pose and discuss with them as a group. I enjoyed seeing them looking at me so attentively and giggled at my examples..

So the Haber process cannot have too high temperature for the ammonia will decompose. It has to be just right. In a way, if you're a size M and you insist on buying L you'll probably be pulling your pants up every few steps or else.... (sneaky laugh). Buying a size S will probably make you turn blue and faint before you even get anywhere. Hence, "ngam ngam" I said. 450C would be it.

An hour passed, it was time to go, I couldn't finish the haber process's summary, but to my surprise they asked if I'd want to teach on till the next day cos they'd like to stay on. OMG!!! They're like the sweetest people I've ever met.

I really enjoy teaching.. :)

At that very moment when I was crying all alone again, I cried my heart out like a little child who's lost her blanky taking advantage that my room mate has gone to take a bath....
Amazingly, D's SMS popped up unexpectedly:

"I have faith in you, maine, so let's make some noise , I may not be able to help you with your music exam, but I sure as hell won't let you drop what you love that easily."

Smiling, crying and laughing at the same time with my tear stained cheek freaked my roomie out. K was like.. "OMG, are you crying? Oh dear... I don't know what D does to you when you guys chat you always end up like this."

Though the remaining few tears managed to escape the corners of my eyes I smiled and looked at her, "you're gonna have to read my blog to find out" She did and I showed her the loveliest SMS I've ever received. She understood then.

I thought that was it, I decided to see if D left me a comment on my page as well. Unfortunately no, but K and my other friend AJ left me comments that were uplifting as well. Honestly speaking, I've never had a chance to experience that much encouragement before.

It was a bittersweet moment because I poured out my sorrows and I've failed to put it back in that hole in which I used to keep them all in and at the same time I've found friends that cared and comforted me when I needed it the most.

this feeling i'm feeling now is a rich blend of bitterness but yet a touch of sweetness..

I would never have believed that I told D my deepest fear in life. The pain that I've kept with me since December 26, 2005. I never realized that I've still not gotten over it. It was the day Dad told me he didn't want me anymore. My Dad, the person whom I've trusted most, I've always been the daddy's girl. But that week was the worst Christmas I've ever had. A situation where the brutal truth was thrown out in the open that he must go away abandoning a family, abandoning his only daughter.

................."you can take maine with you if you want."
"No, I don't want to, I intended to send her away to MARA till this happened. I was supposed to be gone from this house before she returned.''

Send her away? I felt as though I'm sort of a product or something. I never could shed a tear in front of my family nor friends. Because it shows weakness and I'm not going to let that happen. The few days before he left, I sang whilst playing the piano, dad no longer made remarks nor sing along with me. The day he left, I'm on my own now..

It was never easy to be the tough one. But it wasn't the matter of whether you like it or not its my duty. I took it and I believe I did it well too. As the years gone by, slowly my friends and close relations came to know, it was harder to wear the mask over my face.

Metaphorically, it hurts that bad with me for music. I've loved dad so much but yet he decided to take his bags and leave me for good. Though I still see him occassionally, but we're now distant.

I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep was what sung by Aerosmith. It fits me real well because I don't want to be conscious when music does depart from me. I want to strive for it. Fight for it.. But............... ah............... the human nature..there's always the word but in everything.

But I don't want to go through it alone. I've been alone for far too long standing up
for so many things... I need someone to work hand in hand, someone who
would hear me out and let me cry whenever I can. To be myself again and not that
girl who would wait till the wee hours of the morning to cry herself to sleep.


What I need is just as easy as ABC... mutual understanding with one individual who shares the same passion. An individual who would say, "maine, you can do it, i have faith in you and let's make some noise"

Yes, rhythms,vibes and melodies are my limbs and the tendon that keeps my tongue connected to my mouth and that keeps me alive. Daniel Powter's Bad Day isn't enough for me. Though it'll be an ideal performance if I ever get to run through it.. but that's not my point in here. Its not just a bad day, is whether I'll ever step out of this bad day.

I've opened up a healing wound today to you.... a wound in which I thought would heal by now but so far have failed to do so.

I need it, I long for it more than anything. D, I don't want a person who listens just because he's always been given that responsibility to listen. Or maybe you're just too nice to say no. That's not whom I'd like to share my ups and downs with.

Lord, will you make my fantasy a reality? Cos I'm dying...


And dad, I'd like to say that I love you cos I was never given a chance to say so and never
will.

To those who are reading my blog, I'm so sorry I'm such a depressing pig, I shall try to post something happy and funny to laugh about.




It is you who can help me step out of this, when will you be coming?

First and foremost, I must warn those who are reading this post that it is rather rather long. I'm sorry but I've just got too much to say. And if you don't think you have the time to read it word by word then don't attempt it because you won't get my meaning in the end.I've stressed on certain lines for those who can't get the idea of what I'm trying to express.

In the end, I've decided to watch the competition. It was pretty boring at first but then the event started to sink into me. The songs the contestants sang was as though it was a message sent to me. It all started when my coursemate sang Angels brought me here...

"It was a long and winding journey,but I'm finally here tonight,
Picking up the pieces and walking back into the light,
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies,
There's nothing like that feeling when I look into your eyes,
My dreams came true, when I found you,
I found you, my miracle...."

My heart lurched when I heard those words, its not like I've not heard that song before but somehow it hit me that it was talking to me about my passion for music. It has been quite a journey to where I am today, especially for piano. Though vocal was something I attempted in the recent years, it felt as though it was eternity. I suppose I felt so because singing has always been a part of me.

A girl sang "I want to be inside your heaven"...

"I've been down, Now I'm blessed,
I felt a revelation coming around,
I guess it's right, its so amazing,
Everytime I see you I'm alive,
You're all I've got,You lift me up,
The sun and the moonlight,
All my dreams are in your eyes..."

I know all these songs are for lovers but so what? How I long to dwell inside the haven of music. It is a never ending journey filled with excitement, hopes and dreams. It hurt me so much when I sat there for about 5 hours? Unknowingly, I sang along with the contestants, thank goodness no one threw me out of the concert. I was as excited as the contestants. I could really feel the thrill of being up there. Music is all I've got. No doubt in that.

The duet session began and a pair sang "A whole new world"... reminded me so much of myself when I was 8. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in the previous posts but yes, this song was the start of my passion in singing after I sang "Baby one more time" by Britney at home. I remembered my friend Anna and I sang Amazing grace acapella version in a family camp few years back. Not forgetting the time we entered ACS Idol singing "True to your heart" . When I got the Stevie Wonder part, I felt so alive.

Though the songs performed today were merely for romance, it felt like romance between me and music. Yes it sounds awkward but that's me with music. It is pure love, so sacred that I am so intimidated to touch it at times fearing I may lose it. At times music to me is just like a bubble, if I'm not careful enough, I may just lose it with a pop. This is what I feel like right now..

So I wondered what D said in the earlier sms, its not worth doing something I'll regret. At that moment my heart beat faster, I could feel my mind spinning so fast that I could just blackout.. I really want to do something about it. Then I heard "Because of you" by Kelly being performed which lowered me back into my dilemma.

"I lose my way, and its not too long till you point it out,
I cannot cry, because you know that weakness in your eyes,
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life,
My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with."

If only I had much faith before trouble appeared, I believe I'd be able to handle it. But like lyrics said it wasn't even whole to start with pointed out that I've never really seen my own potential as a whole in the process, not once. Its really upsetting.

Throughout the concert, I wrote till my hands ache, thought till became numb. Wrote and thought of things that was not of my concern. I pictured myself if I were those contestants singing those songs and how I would've done it.. Its rather absurd since I didn't attempt the audtition and now planning to quit voice..

With that, this song came into mind:

(James Blunt's Carry you home)

"Trouble is her only friend and his back again,
Makes her body older than it really is,
And she says its high time she went away,
No one's got much to say in this town,
Trouble is the only way down, down, down

As strong as you were, tender you go,
I'm watching you breathing for the last time,
A song for your heart, and when it is quiet,
I know what it means....."

Do you know what it feels to me? Many may think I sound dramatic but its only the truth. It reflects as though music will breathe in me for the last time because trouble would not leave me not for a second...and its high time I went away...because I feel so tired of encountering problems over and over again. My inadequate music capabilities, money, time constraint, help needed, being new and alone in this area of music, I feel that I'm just too young to be handling all this.

Towards the end, my coursemate did not win, but to me, I felt that he won. The courage he had to strive till this far, the challenge he took to sing in front of so many people would be something I ought to learn if I ever were to be professionally involved in music.

I really don't want to quit, trust me, that would be the last thing I'd want to do if given a choice. However, I feel weaker day by day, and as Will Young sang in the song "Leave right now"..

"I think I'd better leave right now,
Before I fall any deeper,
I think I'd better leave right now,
Feeling weaker and weaker,
Somebody better show me how,
Before I fall any deeper,
I think I better leave right now"

Metaphorically, you've found the man of your dreams but you know it'll never work between the both of you. Before you do fall so deeply in love with him, you ought to leave. For those who know me well enough, I've already fallen so deeply in love with.......... Needless to say, its gonna hurt really bad if nobody show me how to find a solution out of this complicating mind boggling situation.

I'll never know whether the grass is greener on the other side with music if I quit. I will regret it I know but for now, with everything going DEAD again for the UMPTEENTH time, it seems the best to do. However, I pray that something will turn out right and may God show me the way or send me someone to help me out of this.. IF that really happen, Rascal Flat's God bless the broken road would be appropriate,

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars,
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road,
That led me straight to you"

My road is broken, would anyone take my hand and together help me out of this?

Before I'd forget all the details its best I post this blog now. As those whom I've informed, I was given an opportunity to perform for my teacher at a performance in KL last Saturday. It was great!!!

First of all, D was invited last minute since I met him online. Amazingly he said yes. Then, we both got lost in One Utama trying to locate parking lot fourth floor. From M n S's boutique to Giant, we were in cold sweat as we were late.... phew!!!

Finally we found my teacher, hopped into his car and headed for the biggie. I was then told to play for worship. I was like okay cool.. Till I saw the scores with the wrong chords I was like OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!

D was keeping his cool as he stood next to me like a walking piano dictionary who literally told me the chords without much attempt on the piano himself. If it wasn't him there I think I would've just sat at the bench and pray that the ground would suck me up. Well apparently as I was about to sit on the stool provided, the stool was fixed too high in which I almost stumbled forward. My foot could not reach the pedal. And it was a keyboard in which I'm not really okay with. And guess what? MY BUTT WAS FACING THE AUDIENCE!!!!!


When it came to my turn to perform, I turned ice cold. I felt so low without anyone to give me support, thank God for D's presence. I really appreciate his support. I went out there and did my thing.

In the begining of worship I kinda lost all the tempo of the songs. Amazing grace was being dragged worse than ever. As for the accompaniment performance, I forgot how to end the song specifically as how my teacher told me to. I went on and on and I could feel the pressure on the crowd not knowing when to clap since I hadn't stopped. HAHHAHAHA it was really funny.
Knowing I did a mistake, the minute the song ended, I grabbed my book and was in a position to run for my life.

However my teacher whom had the authority with the help of the mic, told me to take a bow and mentioned my name. Aaaaahhh!!!! I got back to my sit next to D and prayed for the best. D calmly said that its all over now, but my hands were still shaking. Well, duh!! I almost ruined my teacher's show...

During the intermission, my teacher said I did okay. I was like, thank God!!!!!!!!!!

We stopped by at Dunkin's for a bite in which someone was too shy to accept one. Hmmm... it was all well after all.

Today was a day filled with a mixture of everything. I entered my hostel room around 8.40am. Could you believe I spent 3 hrs with my room mate, K downloading songs and singing them? When I attended my class, Economics by the way, my coursemate who's gonna be performing in a singing competition tomorrow was asked to sing in class. It was great. I had fun listening and hearing what my other coursemates had to say. Or rather, I was glad that I didn't have to do anything related to academics for that period. Lo and behold, I was dragged into the mud puddle as well.

They coaxed me into singing. Just as I expected, my fingers started to shiver as though I was left stark naked in Iceland. I was dumbfounded not knowing what to sing with all eyes focused on me. I decided to sing just the chorus of my coursemate's chosen song A whole new world...

I almost got off pitched but I improvised last minute trying to save my dignity. LOL. But I enjoyed the experience of actually singing Porgi Amor in class after that. I found it a little offending when they looked uncertain with classical typed voice. However, towards the end all's well that end's well..

Back in my room, I found a webpage that allowed me to download tonnes of piano scores in which gave life to my devillish thinking of D. I saved so many songs that I fail to count them. HAHAHA, I shall coax him into playing.

Its K's birthday by the way. Walked all the way down for papaya, but K came up with the idea of treating us for Pizza. So we ordered, got back to our room with J tagging along. How can she not? Its food, her reason to live. Ate and ordered second round. Could you believe that?

We ordered a bowl of worms dipped in ketchup with balls and more wings. LOL.. that's if you get what I meant.

It was a pretty cool day.

I've never thought that I would have that passion for voice again. Seriously, my plan yesterday was to tell my teacher that I've decided to quit. Period. However, on Sunday, D offered for practice before my vocal lesson and I have no idea why I went for it. I arrived at his place after having a session of annoyance with the guard at the guard house who could not even tell me that I was supposed to hand in my driver's license. I was pretty annoyed with the way he looked at me.

Anyways, driving off from the guard house to D's house, I almost run the plastic cones down. Well what do you expect? I was fuming then. I was tired and hungry. I popped my head in cause he refused to answer whether his mom was alright with it. Guess that was no turning back so I hopped in....

Me: Auntie
D: See that wasn't that bad...

Anyways, D immediately landed his behind on the piano chair and started playing my piece. The pangs of nervousness hit me as my hands begin to tremble with apprehension. I had to sing there and then. No more shelter behind the door of my teacher's studio. I'm out in the open now, and D's residence was a villa style and yes, I assume it wouldn't be difficult for my voice to travel to the rest of the neighbourhood.

I couldn't really give my fullest soprano voice but I managed to not crack. Everything was smooth flowing till D came up with an experiment as in to sing a song that I was darn familiar with from one key to another in ascending. LOL!!! But I had fun.

Apparently somebody was having a bad cough for quite some time. I got to know when his mom said no to that thirst quenching chilled apple juice fresh from the refridgerator. Regardless of the fact that he may have already spread the disease to me, he attempted the drink again as his mom popped out for a phone call. No offence D, you need lotsa practice with your acting.

You see, his mom came in just in time as I finished my sentence...

Me: Your mom said cannot drink ah!!
D: How does that affect my cough?
Me:(I gave him the you want to die look)

Then D in some way, put the box at his side, hello?? HAHAHAHAHA, how can that ever work?

Practice lasted for about 3 hrs. Till he begin his convincing act

D: Why can't you just bathe here?
Me: No, I've asked too much, I'll bathe at Ian's.
D: Why our toilets are so unworthy for your use? I'm offended, I'm offended on behalf of my family.
Me: What the??!!
D: You stink, get away, go to the loo!! You stink ewwww!!

Oh sigh, what am I suppose to do with this dude? I left shortly after that (without taking a bath) and headed to Ian's. I sneaked into the bathroom had a jolly good time till my phone started singing, "I think I better leave right now" I was dressing up when I think I heard someone trying to get in the door(studio). My first expression was like "aaaahhhhh!!!!"

Anyways, the lesson went on well. I think with D's help I managed to open up my voice faster than my usual self. I was told I've improved, etc. Hopefully it continues to. I've never felt so alive with singing till that day. Hooray to that and hopefully my career path would be it too.

Thanks D. I will remember to take a bath at your place next time. LOL!

N/B: I felt rather dizzy the other night, I went to bad earlier than expected, I didn't even get the chance to take off my specs or change into my jammies but I just lied and slept. My phone rang, it showed : xxxxxx House, so I answered, the voice said, "Maine, can you come over to my place now? So I asked what's up? Anything urgent? The voice only said, "Heck yeah, come now." I drove there to that house and then I nervously stepped into the house and found the person who called me and this lady. Then the voice said, "Let's start practicing now" and headed to the piano, then I said huh? Its impossible you're not allowed to. Then the lady said, "He's allowed to now" It was so overwhelming that I just couldn't believe my ears, I dropped my keys, my phone, my purse... that's when I woke up, it was a dream after all"