Joanna knew she had chosen to be with someone quieter. Leaving behind her wild days,all she wanted as she make her way into adulthood was to be with someone stable and mature and most importantly less drama.

She never thought much when she she met Jake through one of her childhood friends. In fact, the hangouts with Jake only happened because her buddy Sarah insisted.  Joanna had just gotten out of a relationship at that time. But somehow, Jake just made Joanna happy with little effort.

Seven years passed and still going strong. It was never an easy relationship. Six months into the relationship, Joanna knew that Jake was different. Jake wasn't just a man of few words.

Shutting behind her,broken pasts and disappointments, Joanna had always been bubbly and outgoing. But Jake, Jake was different. Joanna soon sat through  quiet dates where they would share a meal and go no further than how was your food.

Many times Joanna nudged and hinted Jake to be a little more romantic with her. But he never understood and Joanna often find herself in tears because she felt that she had worked so hard for each other. A resourceful person as always, Joanna tried to find ways to keep the relationship young and fun not willing to allow it to fall into too much of a comfort zone.

Jake had never really introduced Joanna to his friends. Jake had always been difficult at parties and gatherings. He would always be the odd one out either playing with his phone or super focused on his food. Joanna's family did not understand why Jake would not even try to create conversations. His quietness soon strained the relationship.

You see, Jake is an introvert. Now Joanna hated labels but Jake knew he had to make Joanna see who he really is and finally told her how he feels as an introvert.

Autumn came and Joanna went on a company trip to Australia. A breath of fresh air would help clear her mind, she thought. Few days later she texted Jake to see how he was doing.

When she got home,she realized that Jake had cleaned her apartment and pressed all her work clothes. Wrapping her cold hands around a warm mug of tea she began to reflect...

Jake would always clean after her knowing her busy schedule. He would scoop her out of bed on days she wished life wasn't so hard. He'd bake with her even though she'd never once fail to become a snappy lioness in the kitchen. He'd give up his weekend to chauffeur her around and with a little bit of pleading....massage her sore feet.

Jake's the kinda guy who'd choose his battles. He's the kinda guy who would defend what matters most to him. He's the kinda no of guy who'd let Joanna have her way but voice out to put her back on track when he needs to.

He's the kind of guy who speaks so little to the world but never fail to whisper loving words in Joanna's ear every chance he get. He's the odd guy out at a party but he's the crazy guy with funky dance moves when he's in the car with her.

One morning Joanna said, "I'd wish you'd talk more so I won't be the only one blabbering all day " Jake said, "There are some days I get out of bed and I just feel so tired because I spoke too much last night"

Joanna wondered if she could spend the rest of her life with someone like Jake. Her closest friends sometimes tell her to look for someone better, someone more responsive.

Staring out at her window tonight, Joanna knew that this was the partnership she longed for. Jake didn't love her any less just because he was not a romantic. Jake was no less as committed as she was. He just showed love in ways he knew how. Most importantly, he loved her in so many ways that flowers nor love letters could compare.

Love. We accept each other. We compromise and we embrace.the good, the bad, the ugly, the odd and the difficult. Sometimes it's not just about him sweeping off your feet like you'd see on TV. Nobody said this partnership was easy.

Similar to him lifting her out of bed on bad days and sitting by her through fever episodes never leaving her side, Joanna woke up one Saturday morning and went up to Jake with her ha nds around his neck and said, "So would you like a chatty morning or a quiet one today, love?"

We're 6 months into 2015. My last post was in 2013.

I'm not sure what happened but as soon as 2013 closed its chapter, my life took on a bullet train ride and it hasn't stopped since. And now, I'm turning 25 in two weeks.

I guess as I got older I realised that most of my blogposts were crappy writing, mostly just to kill time and whine about how unfair life is. But then again these are the memories that I'd like to look back on in the days to come.

Just 3 days ago, Z and I celebrated our 6th year together. How we got here, I'm baffled myself.

Short of 24 hours after our 6th year, we got into a really big argument. There were screaming, door slamming and then there was. 'We're done, it's over.'

It was then as if my soul left my body and I could see the two of us from afar and as I watched him walk away I knew that this was something we've fought for this far and we are letting something so precious slide off our hands.

And it was then I said, stop it. He turned and said that he's changed so much for me and I felt the same way too. We have gone through so much and for a second, I don't even remember how the fight mattered or how it all began.

We argued because we were late for church.

It slipped his tongue when I offered my keyboard for the Sunday service. He said we were running late and I snapped. I caused us to be late to church that morning. For months I've struggled keeping up with church and serving. Our church was far, it's about an hour and a half drive every weekend and my job has left me exhausted. And that Sunday among many other Sundays, I just couldn't peel myself off my bed.

I guess at the end of the day, I snapped because I was disappointed with myself. I felt broken and disconnected from God and Z's wrong choice of words at the wrong time was just the pin lifted off from a grenade.

It was definitely not right to yell at each other. I guess that's when one of us decided to call it quits.

And it was as if we completed each other. When one of us raise our voice, the other keeps calm. I don't know how us two hard headed, hot tempered idiots have learnt to grow to love each other so deeply over the years.

Here I am on my bed, thinking. He has blessed me with a man that is a total opposite of who I am. A man who does not even complement me in any way. But we have learnt to love, care and enjoy each other's company and interest.

He has also blessed me with a strong shoulder to rely on.

And a person whom I could run to and ask for as many prayers as I need to reassure myself at times when I feel disconnected.

He's a person who would wake me up every Sunday morning without fail and leave silently but patiently when I choose to nurse my battered body over going to church.

A person who would keep both my feet stable and remind me to cast my burdens unto Him and let tomorrow worry for itself.

A man who thanks the Lord for having me in his life and I for him in mine.

I love you.

It's finally 2013. Despite the usual, "This is my 2013's resolution" that I think many are busy listing down within the first quarter of the year, I now look back on the year 2009 when I first stepped into Grace Family Sanctuary, Banting.

I've grown up in White Fields Assembly, an independent branch from the FGA group and all my life I have never thought of moving on to another church. With unforeseen circumstances in life, I have moved on and finally met someone that I love and cherish who has also invited me to GFS in the earlier days of our relationship together.

I remember first stepping into the church feeling uncomfortable being a stranger, a new comer. Seriously detested the "welcome card" and to my horror, our dear Pastor Vic, whom I now have grown to love and respect, welcomed me in his Sunday Service greeting. The next thing I knew, a swarm of people came up to me and shook my hands, greeted me as though I was some very important person who just happened to stumble upon this place.

After several church hunts, mistakes that I have made in school, Christian fellowship, and college, the last thing on my mind was to serve. I told the Lord I was never going to be ready any time soon. Lo and behold my sweetheart told Pastor that I could sing. Could I? I hesitated but agreed to do so anyway.

With many ups and downs in my earlier days in this church, I've learnt so much through hardships and laughters. Some mistakes I carry with me in my faint memories that will sometimes still send goosebumps to my cheeks recalling the embarrassment of my idiotic actions. I still react that way sometimes, sometimes I even blame myself for those who left church. I always felt what I was doing was not good enough and that I have progressed too slow.

I've shown my ugliest sides to these people in this community. They've been there for me. Advised me. Lectured me. Given me a chance to learn an opportunity to serve. Nourished me. Guided me. Influenced me into who I am today. Friends I never thought I deserved. Friends I call brothers and sisters who I care about so dearly now. Up till this day, I have no idea what made me stay. The initial reason would be that very man I adore. But when I ask myself, is that all there is? I know there is more to it. This is a church that I've come to grow on to love and cherish and to serve my services. A training ground for me.

Every Sunday, in fact, every day of my life I am still trying to detect my mistakes. My wrong choice of words. My worry that I will offend someone, worried that my serving is not good enough, not pleasing enough. But I've come to realize again and again that the Lord has always been there for me, picking up the pieces and taking whatever I have to offer, bringing me forward further and farther. I've never took a moment in life often enough to sit and look back and notice the handiworks the Lord has done for me in my life, all the little miracles. This is something that I'd like to change as I step forward each day. Giving thanks and counting my blessings. And in these past 3 years my urge to serve has grown and grown.

I've not blogged in ages. Really. I don't even know why I still blog. But sitting down tonight reminiscing on those earlier days in GFS, I just want to thank the Lord for bringing me this far. Thinking back, at first I felt it was all a joke traveling this far for a service. Traveling the distance and leaving my comfort zone. I still complain from time to time. I am human after all, I get tired just like everybody else. But nothing is impossible in Him. Even when my faith had been shaken many times, I really thank Him for nurturing me into this woman that I am today. I hope you guys experience what I am experiencing right now. Like a whoosh of blessing, God's comfort and warmth surrounding you. Oh how He loves us indeed!

Sometimes I wonder why we clicked. Z and I are two very different people. Unfortunately, two things in common, egoistic and short tempered. I remembered our first few months of relationship we’d quarrel endlessly, but then again, those were one of my best memories with each other.

I love how we’ve both come this far. Three years down this road had not been easy. Here’s a tip, don’t threaten to end it. You’ll hurt each other more than you thought you have.  That’s something we both agreed not to do to each other. We are pretty comfortable where we are right now; close friends may even laugh and pass us off as old married couple.

What I miss most are those times we strive to make memories as if it was just us against the world. I miss the times we spent in Nilai walking down the lane to that roadside Economy Rice stall or that time we spent making recordings and laughing at each other.

Some claim that I am young and I expect all these petty things out of a relationship. To me, these are the things I’d like to carry with me as we share our mugs of coffee in a rocking chair when our kids have their own kids and all we have left to do, is to sit back and watch the sun go down.

A friend asked me if my current boyfriend is for real. I asked her, "What do you mean for real?" and she replied, "Someone you've decided to walk down the aisle with?" I smiled and shrugged, "Hah, we'll see what happens I guess?"

When I was in Primary School, I attended piano lessons and my teacher had always had a mug which she keeps her pencils on the table, I managed to find a picture of it. Believe it or not, I always stared at the words when I was forced to focus on my Theory homework. In due time, I actually lived it.

After so many years, and of course a year of hurt and complicated past relationship, I've learnt to lower my expectations in relationships. Often reflecting Mom and Dad, I never dared to hope. Guess that's why I never dared to hope anything out of us but to only pray and ask God to tell me what's next. I truly feel free writing about it here! :P Simply because he doesn't read my blog nor have a link to it! :P Guess I never dared to give it to him nor did I think that he would be interested. 

So after that day, I asked myself what is he in my life?

I want to be that missing piece in his life and I pray that he is the missing piece in mine. I dare hope I find someone that looks forward to snoozing that alarm clock with me and does whatever it takes to make the other person happy. I am very grateful to have this not-so-easy-to-please man in my life, because somehow he balances my world again. I'm definitely not an easy pleasing person as well!  Despite all the compromise we make for each other, we make it work. Not forgetting the few huge "hurricanes" we encountered with each other and we strive past it. 

What I pray now is that we strive for more memories ahead as we embark on the 4^th year together. I want this jigsaw puzzle to be more than just a thousand pieces but so much that it contains a lifetime of story and that we hold the missing piece to each other.

Truly touched by David Choi’s original music, Missing Piece tonight. Have you found your missing piece? How do you know if they are the one? =)

                                                                                                

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After months of turmoil and fresh stabs to my heart and soul, I am drawing myself closer to Him each day. Today was yet another day that I managed to have a meal with my Dad. I have no one to thank but the Almighty because it is only with His power that I am able to hang on to the situation and try my level best to salvage what’s left between us. It has not been easy for the past few months with Dad inviting me to meet more often than we had for the past seven years since the divorce.

At first it was extremely difficult with the piece of news that I now know about his new family. I remember running to my Pastor and say, “Pastor, how can he seem to be happier than I am? How can this happen? Did Jesus bless him with kids? But that was his mistress that hurt me and mom!”

I remember my Pastor gave me the diplomatic answer any pastor would have. “We never know what God has planned/in mind” I carried with me that sentence throughout the few months crying and trying to hide the news from Mom. Mom now knows but I know she hasn’t seen past what I have now.

I take the opportunity to thank God each time I have a successful meet up with Dad. It has never been easy, some times past hurts strike me so bad that I’d stop at the side of the road just blank. I guess when the divorce was fresh, I never had the time to stop to let emotions hit me and now I am paying the debts for it.

Just when I thought I was full of hurt and anger, I find each meet up to be more peaceful as the ones before. My Dad for the first time has begin to text me ending with ,”Love you”. I never had the thought of saying it back but I do hope some day I would. For now, I enjoy every piece of life together that we have missed. I know some people may feel like I have accepted his new family and his faults, it’s not entirely so. I now understand that God is asking me to look at him as my father, the one who has been my Earthly father and nothing else.

I remember reading a novel by Jodi Picoult on Mercy, I’d like to quote a passage here:

“She looked down. Somewhere, under their spread hands, was a stain. But as things stood, Cam was right. From this angle it could not be seen”

In short, the wife was trying to decide whether or not to accept her husband again after adultery. He stained a glass with grape juice and she tried very hard to remove it. But together they covered it so that at an angle it would not be seen.

I love my Mom, and I understand what she’s been through. But as a child, I have decided to face the Commandments I have learnt throughout Sunday School, “Honour your father and mother”

With the example on grape juice-stained-glass, I believe this is how God sees us past our sins. I’m not saying that He has forgiven Dad, that’s up to them to settle, but as for me, I now see the King of Glory, and the love of God is now my calling. I have decided to let go this burden that I am holding no matter how difficult this road to recovery will be, I choose to surrender to Him. I pray in due time, He will open my eyes further to see that marriage is a blessing, and whatever happens down the road is all crafted by His hands.

Each meet up with Dad, I thank Him again for giving me this opportunity before it’s too late.

I am truly inspired by this song, You Reign by Hillsong. I’d like to quote some parts of the lyrics here:

“What was Your last thought, as You drew Your last breath, where the victory was Yours for us to see”

Till Jesus’ last breath, He thought of love, I’d like to continue to grow on this seed of love in me, I am so tired of all the self-battles and torments. I want to live to see Him reigning over us! I want His Love to be my calling.

I hope when times get rough, I’d remind myself with this post and to continue to march forward! I pray that some day, all my open wounds would be stitched up entirely.

I'd never miss a chance of a good cuppa and a good book and some peace and quiet =)

My holidays are finally coming to an end. I truly fear the amount of workload and stress that I am about to face. At least back when I was working as an intern, I always had my brother to help me cover up my butt whenever I screw up. But this, this is gambling with my grades. There’s no turning point, no extra mile that you can choose to take to pay back for the lost grades. It’s now or nothing. My semesters are all 5-6 months long, I try my very best to balance it all between church, family, friends and of course Z. It’s never been easy, but I don’t want to give up either one.

My church is currently going through a season. People are coming and going and of course, being in the worship team, it has never been easy. I’m always inspired by Z, how he cares so much for the church and makes sure he serves as many times as he can. Sometimes I worry for him, he’s like this never ending battery that just keeps going no matter what happens. I remember coming to this church the first time when we first started dating, I really couldn’t see what he sees in the church. Surprisingly in due time, the bond with the church just grew on me. I remembered that at first, I told myself, I wanted to go to this church because that’s where Z would be, and if we were to ever get married, I want my submission to him begin now, not later. At least I can get used to it, you know?

Now it’s all me, Z has made me see that going to church as a couple don’t mean much unless you’re married. God still sees us as an individual. I begin to serve, and I begin to get involve, I wanted to understand what was so interesting. After getting to know the people here, I truly fell in love. It no longer meant this is my boyfriend’s church. But this is MY church too.

I do feel tired, traveling up and down every weekend and juggling visits to my hometown in Seremban. But I believe the dry season is about to come to an end if we persevere and march on in the Light of God. I believe that a new bud is about to blossom into a beautiful garden. I pray that as my semester begin, my fire to serve will not die down. Sometimes after staying up till the wee hours in the morning, I often struggle to get out of bed and act all childish whenever it’s time to get dressed to leave. I mean hello! I slept at 4am and I get up at 6am?! Z would always just answer me, “It’s up to you, but I don’t want to be late for practice”

Sometimes it ticks me off seeing him getting all punctual LOL! But it’s now coming to an end of my third year here, getting myself out of bed, serving with him having faith in him as well as having faith in the Him that is going to bless the land of Banting! Amen!

On a very personal note, I fall in love with Z every time I watch him serve along with me, I don’t know why, but I did ask for a man who loves Him as much as I do. And I am glad I am in this church with him. 

I believe we are all coheirs with Christ and we can stomp through any battle through His strength, the more I feel weakened, the more I charge forward. I used to think of convenience, and easy routes, but I know I've been called onto places to serve or contribute in whatever means I am capable of. How do I know this? Because the joy I receive afterwards makes it all worthwhile...

Just want to encourage you guys to check out the song Break Every Chain, and yes, through His Name, we can do all things! 

Image courtesy of Wallpapers789.blogspot.com

This new song has been flooding the mainstream radio stations lately. Somehow felt that it relates to me. Well, there’s high chance that I’m just cultivated into thinking it relates to my phase in life right now but anyways, who knows, eh?

Anyhow, just want to share the stages of relationship that I have recently come to senses with. I’ve recently been thinking about it and I have found a video by the WongFu Productions that best describes it, well, almost. Should you think my two cents is too long a read, I guess this video relates to most of you.  Take note, I did not just begin writing about the stages just because I watched the video. These are my thoughts in a relationship I’d like to pen down in hope I’d think otherwise in the future. Again, to those of you who are reading this, please, do not take it personally. I am not talking about you or myself. Or maybe if I am talking to myself, you will never know. That’s the fun of this site; nobody should know what fiction is and what is not.  So please, don’t spoil the fun. J

Stage #1 Boy meets girl

I guess this is the story where most that made it to their wedding days would be proud to share during their wedding toast. The classic story of boy meets girl and girl meets boy. From personal experience, this was the best moment for me; I tried to describe the feelings. But it was really hard not to quote Katy Perry, it was indeed, fireworks.

Stage #2 The Courtship

During the courting phase, we would somehow feel our heart flutters whenever we are out on a date with a knight that MAY BE just the one for us. I mean, we watch it in movies, right? My advice, a girl should have had it all before this phase ends, she should just demand the rights to more memories and more attention and more effort before the guy pops the question, “Will you be my girlfriend?”

Stage #3 Honeymoon

I suppose this is the stage where every couple enjoys or hopefully still enjoying. As for the men, it’s like getting a jackpot. The girl of their dreams is finally intertwining their hands together. I enjoyed my three months the most. I was a bad tempered woman but I was loved and cared for tremendously. I never knew how to appreciate it, until today. If you have no idea what this phase means. I guess you would know if you paid attention to how many hours you are hanging on the phone talking to that someone. You would know it, if you realized how many thousands of text messages you’ve sent to each other and some, maybe most of it are just one word answers and smiley faces because you are always at lost for words and you have to re-read your text several times just to know it’s to the right person.

Stage #4 Comfort Zone

It is sad that the honeymoon stage has to end. I’m sure many couples would agree with me that there should always be a way to turn back time and enjoy the first few stages again. Well, if you put effort in it, I don’t see why not. Comfort stage is not always bad, I mean it’s like what Serena would say on Gossip Girl, ‘’The three month mile stone, walk him through it” What she meant was, the fireworks were meant to dim a little, so you could see each other’s true colors. I guess this is the part where it terrifies a couple. One may be overly bad tempered and the other, has the ultimate ego that is almost indescribable? Just saying, again, not pin pointing anyone. But if you feel the same way, hey, put your hands up!

Stage #5 Tolerance & Compromise

Ah… the title says it all. Tolerance. Actually I beg to differ why Comfort Zone and Tolerance should be in two separate stages. I believe they are both related because there is no way one can go on in the comfort zone without learning to tolerate. However, back to my point, tolerance is a stage where you try to absorb and embrace each other’s flaws. Now this is not the time to be practicing your flair in flirtatious words to keep each other interested, but rather, learn to understand and help each other to keep that fire burning for each other despite the flaws that are slowly uncovering their nakedness.

Stage #6 Crossroad

I have no idea what to call this stage at first but I suppose Crossroad fits the puzzle. If a couple fails to tolerate each other or rather, to hold on to that seed of love that brought them to each other, they will be stuck in a phase where its either you break up, or you accept each other and get married. Now, hey, get married? Isn’t that nice?

Marriage is not a game of monopoly where you decide you should get there just because your dice tells you to. Marriage is a life-long commitment with its famous yet obvious quote, ‘till death do us part’

Marriage is a blessing when got bring two people together to do greater things-Jayeslee said this on Sonia’s wedding video, in which I fully agree with. Before we say our ‘I do(s)’, we ought to make sure. And take my word for it; you wouldn’t want your kids to suffer when things go down the wrong way.

What stage am I now? That’s for me to know. What stage are you? Be true to yourself. Sometimes deluding ourselves that the comfort zone would be a little bit more bearable isn’t that true. Sometimes it’s time to let go, but before you do, ask yourself, is that seed of love truly lost?

On another note, sometimes one tries so hard to save what she had before, but her partner wouldn’t. Should she let go? But she’s the only one who sees the seed while the other still comfortably sited in the comfort chair?

Sometimes, we’re just too close to love someone, you know?

Points to ponder in life indeed…

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I never knew it would hurt that bad to talk about it. I thought I would have put it all behind me by now. But it still hurts like a fresh wound. That very day when you walked through that door with her in your hands. I couldn't set my eyes on her. At that moment, all I ever thought of what mistakes I would've done to deserve all these. Where was the love at home? When did it start going out the window?

You were so proud when you introduced her. Like she's your gem, the love of your life. What about what we had? Didn't we go through thick and thin to be where we are today, where you are today? I had to smile, I had to look so carefree. The look I gave and always would have gave ever since the day you walked out my door. That one thing I vowed to do when you decided to pack your bags and leave, I swore I'd never cry for you. I pretended you never had an influence in my life.

I remember that fine day, I woke up, I fell off the stairs, I sprained my foot and I was wailing so loudly. You came up to me and told me to shut up. From then I knew, the man who would carry me to bed was never there anymore. From that day I knew the torch I always carried for you, was switched off and will never be lit again. 

My feelings aside, you hurt your love of your life. How she suffered, how much pain she had to go through and for me to be with her reminding her of you with my presence each and every day. I hated myself. I hated the truth that I live your blood. I was ashamed of myself, my body, my name. But I couldn't hate you, no, I never once did. I still loved you but you never knew. You always thought I was after your money. You always thought I'd give in as long as you given me money and the things I wanted. There was only one birthday you actually tried to think of what I would like. Only one. The rest? It was all money. I never liked the things I bought with that money. They meant nothing to me.

I miss those Christmases we used to have. You'd take me out for my favorite meal. You'd be so excited to open the presents I got you. How you fumbled with the wrapper, you were never a patient person. Can love evaporate in time? Can it be forgotten as we grow older? Could it be transferred to another person, a sudden desire to love another person and not the ones you once loved?

She look like me you know. The eyes, the smile, the dimple. But I was never perfect for you, was I? I was never good enough for you. You told me you regretted not spending time with me. You told me that day. Isn't it 6 years too late? Where were you when I was heartbroken from broken relationships? Where were you when I didn't know what to do with the only one I have close to me when she was hurting? Where were you when I needed prayers? 

Now that I'm older. The walls I built around me becomes thicker, more complicated. Sometimes I don't understand why I'm here. Sometimes I wonder when the end will come to all these misery. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to give her the love you used to give her. I try and try again but it will never be the same. You took a piece of her heart away when you decided otherwise. You are so happy when I introduced you to the love of MY life, but did you know how hard I struggled to try to love? Did you know what I had to go through to trust someone else? Did you ever know how much I loved you? How for once, I wished, you'd just come back to us, and tell us everything will be alright, that nothing has changed. But till today, I'm just some one's daughter, who's pa forgot to pick her up from school anymore.

Image courtesy of Weddings-paradise.com

I've been watching a lot of romantic movies and proposal videos on Youtube lately. Not that I'm getting married anytime soon nor been proposed to yet, just feeling a little bit in the moment... Thus, here's what a young girl like me would dream about, silly me I know! But can't help it! :D

As much as I appreciate spontaneity, I would still want the proposal to be recorded-lah! :P So I have something to share with my kids when its their time! Hehe! * dreams *

I guess I've always been brought up simple, I don't need a fancy restaurant, but I've a fetish for table cloths, so a nice cosy place for dinner would be great!

I guess it's too much to ask but there are two main things that I'd really love to have for my proposal. Being a musically inclined person, I believe in expressing oneself through music. If my partner-to-be would sing me a love song, it would be so wonderful. I once fell in love with a man who sang me a really cheesy song by Adam Sandler. It's the heart that matters, and I know he meant every word of it...

Supposedly getting down on one knee gesture is the classic way of proposing. Personally, I take it as a sign that my soul mate is willing to let down his ego and guards and to open up his heart to love wholly. I don't fancy a huge diamond ring with the "4C" requirements but rather, the prepared heart to begin a life's journey with me.

On a separate note (has ZERO involvement to the proposal setting), despite my wild attitude and obviously over mediated person, I'm still very much a conservative girl. It would mean the world to me, if my partner-to-be has approached both my parents for permission. I always believed in parents' blessings, and that would lift the weight off my shoulders. However, most from our generation these days, often assume that marriage is only about "us against the world". To me, the world does revolve around us somehow, you can't deny it, and we should always honor the Commandment, "to honor our parents"

Image courtesy of Artofmanliness.com

Lastly, it would touch me deeply, if he were to recite the verse:-

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
It does not seek its own, does not take into account a wrong suffered;
Does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails, but now faith, hope love...
Abide these three;
But the greatest of these is love.




1 Chorintians 13:4-7,13.

Image courtesy of Wholeheartedministries

I once asked a man, why he knew he loved me. He opened the Bible and said, when he asked God about me, He gave him this verse, and that would be the most beautiful vow of all. 

I've finally completed my Diploma. After two years of A-levels, which was a total mistake, then another two years of Diploma, I feel older already. But definitely not progressing. I envy the young lads who can take their time in the course. As for me, I sped it through like a train. I hardly made any friends nor memories that was worth keeping for the years ahead.

I worked without rest till the beginning of my new semester. I am currently enrolled in Bachelor of Communications in Public Relations affiliated with Murdoch University in Perth, Western Australia. The Diploma that I now hold, gives me an advance standing to the second year of degree. I suppose it is a fair reward for a person who's done foundation studies for four years and finally getting on to a degree. The scary part is, I don't get to start from scratch in my degree, make the silly mistakes a year 1 student would have. Everyone expects you to already know what's going on and what's next.

It's been hard few months since I've enrolled in this course. Fortunately, my family and church friends have been supportive. I really loved my job at the pharmacy. It was a part time job I go to daily after I resigned from the advertising company I was interning for. People at the pharmacy (near my college) were really nice to me. I felt at home, and I had friends. Some people to talk to. I've always felt lonely here in PJ. Always felt like I don't belong here...

Thankfully Z has always been there for me and have not stepped into the mall on weekends at all for the first two months! He's been with me through assignments and buttload of stress. Thank you! And not forgetting how he pampers me with my new crave for "Shared Tea" After many years of hating bubble tea, I'm finally in the trend! In Malaysia, Shared Tea is not as famous as Chatime and other bubble teas, but I do enjoy it. Read about it here.

I eventually lost control of time management and gave up my part time job. I'm a full time student now, and I hope it's for the best. I have more time with my loved ones and my new found passion for cooking.

Teriyaki Chicken Salad

Mainey's Hot Dogs

Sloppy Joe's

So yep, I can only pray and trust in the Lord with His word in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" as I accomplish this new load of stress!

Picture taken from thewordwhisperer2.blogspot.com

Dearest,

When I first met you, I couldn't trust you, you felt too good to be true, but you stuck with me. I treated you badly, I finally came around, you still held my hand and I owe you one. I tried to turn the table around and be the patient one to keep this relationship going. Little did I know that it took over a year and a half and I'm still playing this role.

It may seem normal to you, that we don't communicate for days or even weeks. But it's not for me. Let us not compare other relationships that we seem normal. To me, communication is the key, and if we're not the person we think of in the day and when we sleep at night, then may be we have not found the right one. I always loved your shy attitude. But now I'm starting to think that you aren't shy. You just don't want to hold my hand.

I love you so much that it hurts and consumes me. The feeling is so overwhelming that I would cry any minute in the day. I love you so much that I was willing to tell myself and the world that we are made for each other. Now I just feel that I'm falling into a deep, deep hole.

I hope one day you will realize that I have loved you with all my heart and that never once I thought of leaving you. That I am nothing like your past, and what I had hoped for the both of us is the present and now. I pray it wouldn't be long for you to realize so, at least it wouldn't be too late before my heart turns cold bearing the scars that I carry with me.

I guess I wrote it all down because I never had the heart to tell it to your face. Because I had always devoted myself to give you love and kisses, never would I want to argue about us. Never had I demanded for any materialistic items. I have always appreciated who you are and what you give to me. But things have to come to an end some day, before it's too late. I need to stop all these uncertainties. I need to climb out of this black hole. I need to stop loving and hurting at the same time. I hope some day I'll be braver and be able to love again.

"Someday I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior, standing on my own two feet"

 Picture taken at Central Park, BU, PJ.

5 days passed and he finally called. I am somehow afraid of technology. Through the Internet I know what he was doing and everything else. This is not about a cheating partner! But it would've been simpler if it was.. This is about me not being able to tap into his life, understanding and even joining him in doing what he likes or enjoys. To me, there are still too many gaps in this relationship that leaves me on the dotted line of insecurities.

I am not an expert in relationships. But after two years of being with someone, I would really expect to know more about that someone by now. Am I having high expectations? I really don't know, as far as I'm concerned, I don't think so. I want to be that someone in his life that when he thinks or hears about me, there's a sparkle just like how I would have for him in return. Forgive me if I sound as though I am trying to conquer his life, but I just want to matter.

I can feel the walls of our relationship cracking little by little everyday. But all I do is look forward to the more opportunities that we can spend time with each other. I'm not really sure if it is wise, but I was hold on to the fact that there is something called love that brought us together. Question is, is it still there or are we just lying to ourselves? If it's a lie, I really don't want to step out of this lie, if it is reality, I really am afraid of this reality.

I probably don't make sense at all in this post, but these are the questions that have been clouding me for several days now. Ever since I completed my internship, I just had so much time to think and to decide what I want to do in this new year, but matters like this, I can not afford to make a mistake. Am I in love or have we fallen out of love or have I been the only one falling in love every day?

Is a relationship really all about the 3 month mile stone where the honeymoon period ends and everything becomes dull and routine-like? Will I be able to commit my life to someone whom I seem to have run out of topics to communicate with? Or am I getting bored of this safe relationship and yearning for some hot juice drama?

It is all so blurry, thick and messy like a puddle of mud. I truly care for this person but I am unsure if it is a right choice. I am sick and tired of trying to have him be accepted by the family.

Most of all, I am tired because I feel all alone even though I am not alone. I feel loved yet unloved at the same time. I feel cared but abandoned.