Tired

I've been home all day, couldn't help myself recalling yesterday's outing with the boys, it was fun. It was something I should've been having throughout my last year in school instead of wasting it for some particular reason. I enjoyed every moment of it yesterday though I was being bullied most of the time. It was just a simple lunch but it meant more to me, because I love to spend time with great companions like them, jokes that may be lame from Jieg but hey, it is so much better than getting sweet talked by someone who wishes you dead, right?

Well, I've been doing nothing all day just trying to digest all I've heard and communicated about. The other evening on the phone, I was given a choice to ask the mother again if the player could be my player again, but I hesitated though tempted.... then yesterday when president blew my cover or rather I blew my own cover, I didn't know what to do next. Sigh, I have lesson with him again tonight, and he's so gonna ask me who's my pianist again. He warned me on Monday, that if I don't tell him soon, I am on my own and he will not give me one of his students. I can have one of his students but I just can't sing, I wish there'd be a soul in this world who would take one second and actually think of this statement thoroughly.

I don't know why I have this fear I just can't. I have tried many many times. Now, flipping through my scores again, I'm just jammed, sigh, I'm going to get another lecture tonight. I wish he had a twin brother or something.... I don't know how to express how I feel but it feels exactly like how it was back when I was four when it was all pitch black in blindness and no one was there to help me. Speaking of which, God knows how long my vision will last, its starting to blurr already. Music was something that brought me back into seeing, Mom was so depressed back then she didn't know what she could do to help me but to send me for organ lessons. It helped my muscles to relax and focus better till I could see again. But who could've known music could lead me to such distress now?

Perhaps I have faced too many disappointments in life that I just fail to accept a new player for myself. I'm a person well planned and well rehearsed before I do something. Now, I don't have a plan and I failed to adapt to the situation. Going to church there makes me think so much of what we have worked together with. I think I would like to just be a laptop one day, where you do nothing but till someone commands you to do something, I'm so tired of thinking, I'm so tired of trying to compose my songs when I know there's not a chance for it to be played and not a chance for me to sing it with a free voice. I'm locked up.