I've always been living in an unfair world. Well. I guess I made myself think that the world was unfair to me. As those of you who may have already known me, I carry with me lines and bulging eye bags of fatigue from worry and stress. Not forgetting that permanent frown I have across my forehead. I recently met someone, at first, I felt so irritated because she talks a lot about the past and I said to myself, I've got too much to worry about my future and the things that may take place the very next day, I don't have time for this.

But soon as I sat down to recall everything that she- Cindy has said to me in the few days that we have gotten close, it's like child's play, we met in a "sandbox" (college) and soon enough we were sharing Barbie (topics) and just somehow clicked. I soon got to realize that she's patiently reminding me that the world doesn't have to be that pitch black and cold all the time. Sometimes we just gotta learn to let go.

I could see the scars all over her face and I know she's been through her share of nightmares. I truly am happy and sometimes envious to see her at ease while I'm still battling with mine. But somehow I'm glad that she shares her past with me giving me courage to push on forward. Ever since Karen left, I never really had anyone to talk to about my feelings, and yes sometimes I really do feel like a turtle, it is so tiring to carry such a hard shell on my back when I'm really just so vulnerable on the inside.

When this new friend of mine told me that she's really looking forward to a long lasting friendship (she's been previously hurt by friends on several episodes) it somehow freaked me out a little because I've come so far in this journey alone. I once had a friend, and I depended too much on him that he had to leave me half way in hope that I would learn how to be independent. It has been so long since I have shared my emotions to anyone.

When I sat back and looked at all I have with me now, I realized how much I have neglected the people around me. I have been so headstrong with things in life, that I have failed to see past their needs. I was watching Glee just now, and when Rachel sang "The Only Exception" by Paramore to her boyfriend, she confessed that she should not have tried to control every inch of the relationship. It struck me that I am tired because I try to control everything on my plate.

I came home today, and I read the daily bread on Facebook. I thought I'd share with all of you,

“ Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. —Luke 12:32 ”

 I realize now that I have been very much a hypocrite. Sharing and telling that we should give all glory to Him, I have neglected the one simple thing He told us to do, "Cast all worries on Him" I pray that this renewed joyful heart would last, I pray that I will not turn back to look at the past when things don't go my way, because I know when I ask of Him, I will receive, maybe just not NOW, but I will when it is time.

Weird, I have no idea if I made sense in this post, but, yeh, mixed feelings. :)

I love you, big guy <3

Who would've known
That the word love
Would sting when mentioned?
Do you know how hard it is
To run the race in life
But to only come home
To endless rounds of bloodshed wars
That plays repeatedly in your mind?


I'm not talking about a bee sting,
I'm talking about gun shot wounds,
And slash wounds,
Burnt wounds,
That scarred my mind and to the very core of my soul.

I am tired,
Too tired to run my own race,
Too restless to hold her hand,
Despite the numbing pain,
I was made to give her hope,
Hopes that even I couldn't believe myself.

Have you ever ran
With glass pieces in the soles of your feet,
But there's no reason to scream,
Because the pain has been so familiar,
Have you ever been hurt so badly,
That you would just laugh in a pool of tears?



Here I am,
Still running with her,
Watching everything i dreamed of,
Pass by like a wind,
There's no time to turn back,
No there's no time to save more memories,
There's only running forward,
In hope that we'd find that promised land.

I’m still living in denial.

I told myself that I’d get over it

I told many others to get over it too.

The show must go on

And thinking about you just ain’t helping

If it’s true that we are our own teachers

I pray we all have the courage to go on

That every time we sing

We wouldn’t wait on you to correct us

That every time we sing

It’ll be our best

I told myself I’d write something about you

I’ve failed to do that so far

Cause every time I think of you

I hate the fact that you’re gone

I hate the fact that you made so many promises with us

And just left us all hanging

I know you didn’t mean to

I know it wasn’t your intention

You just got called Home sooner than you expected

When we heard what you’ve done throughout your lifetime

You’ve made us wish we knew you earlier

You’ve made ME wish we could turn back time

I get up in the morning

Wishing my Monday classes are still on

In fact, something inside me still tells me

That this is just a joke

That it ain’t real

You said I was dependent of you

Well you didn’t give me time to grow out of it

You said you’d put me through competitions

But you never saw me through any of it

I know as time passes,

You’ll be just a memory in my mind

The father figure I’ve had,

The father figure I’ll always have,

The guidance I had not only for voice

But in life.

I’ll write about you someday

Someday when I can think of you

About the times we shared

About the achievements we achieved

Without so much hurt

Without that sting in my throat

Without that burn in my chest

Without that dampness on my cheeks

Seriously, it's not my proposal but I'm blogging about it. Haha! Found my bro, to be a very simple guy, sincere and yet creative so two thumbs up for the successful proposal! You know, watching so many TVB dramas, Movies and etc, I found this proposal to be very realistic, easy going and sweet.

Now, with Jo and Bern done, I wonder who's next! Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Another year is about to begin.

I think of it as another stack of white piece of papers. It's gonna be up to us to paint it, write it, scribble it, throw it, mash it, whatever. Interesting isn't it?

Colour pencils and crayons,white sheets and papers. They paint them with passion, anger, sadness and joy. We've yet to see what He has painted for us. After each year, I sit down and ponder, that despite the many heartbreaks, I am grateful that I am still sitting here. But have I found true happiness?

Some have found theirs. In fact, those few seconds felt like their entire lives were hanging on a thin line...but when it was all said and done, the warm embrace of their love was enough a reward that would last them a life time. Congratulations to my dear brother:

A full post about this later....

Proposed 01/01/11

I've lost friends, I've gained a few. I miss the ones I lost, the ones I fail to save. I've failed goals, I've achieved some. It still breaks me to know that I failed what I failed. Do new year resolutions motivate us or push us too hard sometimes?

We busy ourselves just to stop thinking. We busy ourselves to stop hurting. We get replacements of everything and everyone. We just wouldn't stop. We don't know how to. We are afraid to. We are numb.

I'll be turning 21 this year. Another year has passed me by, and I'm starting to feel that life is short, and there's just so much I've yet to accomplish, but I don't know if I have the strength. Reading my poem for Jan 1, 2010, I had so much fire in me. Somehow, the flame's just a 'lil smaller now...

I look at myself, and the things I have, the things I own, the things I achieved, am I happy?

Lord, teach me to love myself and others.
Lord, tell me what do YOU want me to do for this new year.

Found a new interest in photography lately. Well, I've always loved photography, I just never took it seriously. Digital SLRs cost me a bomb, and I have no idea how far this will take me. Some close friends question, what about my passion in music? Well, it still is in me, but I guess I'm just trying to even it out a little and try to see what the other side of the world looks like and not just be a die hard singer who knows how to do nothing but only sing. After watching GLEE and somewhat, I just start to doubt myself that I don't see myself ever becoming a singer anything like that level...

Studying Mass Communication requires us to take up the Photo Communication class. I'm all excited about it. Speaking of which, studying Mass Comm is something so much more enjoyable than whatever I've tried to do before. But hey, let's get real. I am not the Mass Comm industry type. Will this course change me? I don't know, I'm taking baby steps to see what He provides for me in the near future.

So yep, I'm looking forward to taking more artistic photos and not be a phoDOH as described on LAMEBOOK. Haha!

Ever since we got together, money had always been a factor for the both of us. We never really questioned each others expenses. Somehow we just worked hard and got whatever we both wanted. This year, I pretty much achieved everything that I wanted. But what that really made my day were these Converse.

My sturdy PUMA finally gave its way in the middle of Christmas shopping this year. A gift from mom and brother two years back. My one and only sport shoes that has served me well throughout the earlier chapters of my college days.This year, mom and my sister and brother in law, Josephine and Winston Tan contributed to my new sport shoes, this time HP. Hushiee Puppies baby! :D

I had always hated Converse. I never liked the idea of the plastic looking front. I find the style very stupid. However, ever since I met Z, he loves Converse so much that he'd still wear his old OVER worn out pair until today. I've decided to give Converse a shot, and of course, I rewarded him with a brand new pair for Christmas for being such a wonderful boyfriend in the past one year.

When I snapped a picture of them shoes, I laughed. People come up with couple tees, couple mobile phone accessories, couple pendants, couple cups, couple purses and wallets but couple shoes? Hahahaha, this is seriously something new to me.

May this gift be a kick-start to our 2nd year relationship in 2011 :)