Today, I had quite a day with the CF dudes, not forgetting the Mewahans attended and the extended help. It didn't go very well, but its was pretty satisfactory to all of us. But I just want to express my feelings and thoughts about someone who was or should I dare say, is still going through this camp with me?

He and I, we came back with an objective, a mission and a vision yet, along the way, I felt him slipping away. I struggled to push that thought to the back of my mind but today I just can't, the image of him just kept running across my mind. I'm so tempted to ask him what's going on but everytime I dial his number on the phone, I hesitate to go on because I don't think I'm prepared to hear whatever he has to say.

I miss him. Really. I do. I miss how fired up he used to be for CF and how he'd call me, D, and J just to catch up on how things are. Now.... I don't know where is he, how is he, what's going on in his life. It just feels as though, I do not know him anymore. Is this another phase of life where another person walks out on me? I don't know.

The news I had yesterday about grandpa, the problems that had been occuring with the CF lately, my exams and stuff like that........ I wish he cared. I never needed him to come all the way back to help me out physically or anything like that but rather, to be the listener he always had been for me when my parents got divorced or when I had a breakdown in other things. Was it something wrong that I have done? Well, even if I did, I guess I will never know.

I must admit that I am a disappointment to this brother of mine, for I am a failure. Along the way, I thought whatever I did was right and would bring us the outcome we both thought of. Now, my hands and feet are tied and bound to the grounds, I can do nothing no longer, and only surrender everything to God and fate and life and whatsoever. I feel abandoned in this event, I just needed him to care and not just care about the event but rather, care about me, and not be like the rest of them who pass me by......not realising how tired I am and not acknowledging me as a human being.

I want to call you..... but our friendship is so close yet so apart. I can only say I'm sorry, because I am a failure. And I don't know how long I can pull through these two weeks on my own now that you're not here......or er.....inconsistent... I just needed some support. But if I have disappointed you so badly then, I'm sorry, S. Maybe I shouldn't have been the one to share that vision after all.

I thought I would have a chance to know you,
But you contributed to my bitterness,
I only met you once,
And it wasn't very nice,
If I had came up to you,
The days when you were breathing,
Would that have made a change between us?

Somewhere deep inside me,
I hate you,
Because I deserved love from you,
But when I got the news,
Thinking I could fight back those tears,
Since there was no reason to cry,
I still felt that ache,
Even though we never started off right.

I begin to understand,
That all hurts and wrongs should never be kept,
When you're dead and gone,
The emptiness inside is far worse than the grudge,
I pray to God to help you,
No matter how much they hate you,
I still think you should've been saved.

As your body lowered down to six feet under,
You carry with you your past and regrets,
So is the two you owed your love and loyalty,
I played no role in it,
But I still wonder if there had been a chance of turning back,
If there'd be a chance,
To save your life.

I cried for you,
I had that scarce love for you,
You are still my family no matter what you did,
There is no point to list down your faults,
No one would care anymore,
You have paid all your debts in full,
The minute you breathe your last breath.

Wishing there had been another way to this,
I begin to wonder why you did so last time,
I wish I had a better way of knowing you,
And having a warmer closeness with you,
I know your departure must have been a torment,
Not forgetting your last few years of hell,
By the women you thought you deserved,
I can only feel sorry,
May you rest in peace...

I cried my heart out after the UPM performance, because it hurt so much as I watched the soloist take the stage. It wasn't fair. Looking back, how my mom hurt because I literally abandoned the family... how my music just fall apart one after another... how I lost myself, how I forgot everyone but only them. Never will I forget, my friends, teasing me ..."who's on the phone now? Jie guan? Darren? or Jonathan?....when will you have time for us?"

Though the term tease was used, it hurt me very much everytime it was mentioned. Coming back to CF was something so very beautiful and hopeful in the earlier chapters of it. I remembered the words Shaun and I shared, we're here to assist them. But look at me now, look at where I am, look at where I stand in the midst of them?

My life just seem to fall into pieces as the days go by. That night, it was my worst night. That look of disappointment from my teacher, was all it takes to break that last piece of my heart. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to love, and to make music. I gave my all for a bunch of wanderers, heart brokened, and faithless souls...

But the more I guide, the more I do the work, the more I cared, the more they left it to me, the more I taught, the more they refused to learn, the more I want to show them how I feel, they showed no sense of interest at all in how I feel. It was after all a one man show.

Darren once proposed...... not really once, more than once, to postpone the camp. But the fundamental fact that we all know, is that it will never happen at all if there's no one here anymore at that time....

I don't want any recognition. But I'm just so upset to see why they failed to see how much faith I have in them, how much love I have, how much I have done, and how much it takes to try.

That night I felt really stupid, as honourable as it sounded of being a person of selfless faith, I wished I was selfish after all. Because I'm just taken for granted every night every minute everyday. Nobody would care when its all been said and done, nobody would care what I have lost for their gains. Or if all else fails, what I have lost for their light effort in the importance of this.

I lost the closeness towards my family. I hated to see mom cry for such reasons. I hated to see my sister left alone when she needed me most. I hated to see my grandma not being able to have a quiet dinner with me because I'm so busy on the phone..

I lost my music. I hated to see myself quitting piano. I hated to see my vocal teacher upset with me. I hated myself for not having time to enjoy what I love.

I lost my church. I jump around for work..... where's my true self for God?

I lost my friends....

I lost my grip

I lost everything..................

Is it still worth it?

I don't know.

I just wish they would do something because everything I do is for them for the sake of God.
Where is their self will and the purpose of being a committee in this.

How many times do I have to be broken.....just for the sake of their revival, something not my own but theirs??

Or will it be true that they don't give a damn about God, about me........my family?

Don't say it's up to me...don't say I chose this path, because everything I did, I did it out of love, I gave every ounce of it to all of you, neglecting those loved ones I should be loving instead.

The many times I wanted to walk on them..... something holds me back. The strong desire to leave them is always taken away by something so strong within me, giving me unfailing hope and faith and patience for them.. but when will it happen?


I'm all out of love, because there is nothing left to be said. There is no hope anymore in me, I strive no more, you take control of how much you love Him. If you can't even do this, despite the fact He died for us, then........ I'm sorry.

This feeling she has,

The wounds she carried throughout childhood,

Flesh and blood covered the scars,

Her smile in disguise of her disappointments,

But as night falls,

She sleeps in fear,

In the night's cold without the most important warmth every child needs.



The one who brought her to the world,

The soul who connected hers before birth,

The embrace of seven months,

Interdependence of two lives in one body,

Leaving them both further more apart as the days come by,

Waking every morning with tear stained cheeks.



Her hollow laughter,

Her selfless heart,

The sweetness of her voice,

Tender fingers...

But a pair of slouching shoulders,

Marks the weight of the baggage she carry within her,

Through the days of her life.



The missing piece in the puzzle of her life,

Makes all the difference,

Relieves the chill down her spine,

Everytime she sees others who are joyful,

Holding hand in hand,

Loving so unconditionally,

But as for she,

She received nothing but a road so long a journey,

Where she walked with cuts and bruises,

Where she's left with no hope but only the desperateness,

To see the dim light of her life, come to an end.



I don't know how can I console her weak heart,

How to give her something I myself wished for,

But to only live in disappointments,

And to only dream of hope,

Having faith in a dead end,

Not knowing if that door of that important someone would be opened,

Not knowing if the reality of having shared the same heartbeat with meant something..



Does our breath mean anything to the one who breathed into us?

Our very first few steps,

Our rise and fall,

Nothing else nor anyone mattered as much in both of our lives,

As children,

As a wondering soul,

Wanting nothing but only that love.



Will you know how important you are,

How terrified we get looking through those dark cold eyes,

Not having that warmth from you,

Making me wish I never left your womb,

Because that was the only time you truly loved me,

Steady feet..... not wanting to break me.



I'm broken,

But still hoping,

Because I love you,

I want your love mom,

When will you love me,

Acknowledging me as a part of you...

Because I am nothing without you.

In the confrontation between the stream andthe rock, the stream always wins - notby strength but by perseverance." - H. Jackson Brown

Tonight's the UPM performance. Somehow I really don't want to go for it. It feels far worse than how I felt back when I played the piano for him in Glad Tiding's.

I don't seem to sing like how I would when I perform. Dolce seems to be a whole new meaning to me....... cos I make it sound so cruel. So much for sweetly....

I'm losing grip of my singing again. Mom called me last night, I told her I'm considering burning my vocal exam fees too. She said it's up to me. I know she's upset but I just don't know how else to go about it.

I need to find a way out of this. I'm drowning again...

I hate myself.

Well, I love Shaun!!!! weeeeeeee.... What a way of declaring my love for him. hahaha, shucks. Glad to see most of the things done lately. And D keeping his word for now about working his ass off. :)

My exams!!!! Well, I'm bucking up even more today. Not planning any outings. Just MGT MGT MGT MGT till I surrender myself. (p/s: MGT's Business Studies)

J's sick. Shucks, poor fella. Still calling me and coughing away and staying up. Need to give the bugger a slap to make sure he gets some rest. Mirroring my superwoman stunts is suicidal.

Yup, I walked out of my vocal class again. Well, I'm a person who don't waste any time. Since I don't remember the notes, I'm going home.

I sent my car to the car wash! Ten bucks. Foine, I'm too tired to wash so yea, lucky you people get business from me at 7.45am in the morning. hmph!!

I scolded Gracie yesterday night in public. She caused me a lot of trouble thanks to her absurd lifestyle of meeting up with men. She enjoys being a drama queen faking that she's in trouble and in a state of danger just to find her skimpily dressed and in an intimate position with a boy she's not met for a very long time. She made me drive out all the way and involving Kit Sing since it wasn't safe at such an hour at night, for stupid reasons. Enough is enough girl. Get a grip or get gone. I'm still considering whether I should expose her doings to her mom. I hate it when she uses my name saying I'm hanging out with her when I'm so not. It's unfair, the last time something happened, I got scolded by dad due to Uncle D's phone call complaining that I spend a lot of time with her outside with weird freaks.

I have a reputation, my integrity, not forgetting my dignity. I'm sooooooo at my breaking point with her. She's so vulnerable yet idiotic at times. I don't know what I can do to help her and at this point of time, I don't have the time, energy, effort, and money to do so. I need to aid those who appreciates help and progress from it first.

But I must express my gratitude to Kit Sing being willing to come out at such a short notice and so late at night. As we both know, that boy she met is no lousy "aqua", he ain't good, and it doesn't take a straight A student to notice that.