I’m still living in denial.

I told myself that I’d get over it

I told many others to get over it too.

The show must go on

And thinking about you just ain’t helping

If it’s true that we are our own teachers

I pray we all have the courage to go on

That every time we sing

We wouldn’t wait on you to correct us

That every time we sing

It’ll be our best

I told myself I’d write something about you

I’ve failed to do that so far

Cause every time I think of you

I hate the fact that you’re gone

I hate the fact that you made so many promises with us

And just left us all hanging

I know you didn’t mean to

I know it wasn’t your intention

You just got called Home sooner than you expected

When we heard what you’ve done throughout your lifetime

You’ve made us wish we knew you earlier

You’ve made ME wish we could turn back time

I get up in the morning

Wishing my Monday classes are still on

In fact, something inside me still tells me

That this is just a joke

That it ain’t real

You said I was dependent of you

Well you didn’t give me time to grow out of it

You said you’d put me through competitions

But you never saw me through any of it

I know as time passes,

You’ll be just a memory in my mind

The father figure I’ve had,

The father figure I’ll always have,

The guidance I had not only for voice

But in life.

I’ll write about you someday

Someday when I can think of you

About the times we shared

About the achievements we achieved

Without so much hurt

Without that sting in my throat

Without that burn in my chest

Without that dampness on my cheeks

Seriously, it's not my proposal but I'm blogging about it. Haha! Found my bro, to be a very simple guy, sincere and yet creative so two thumbs up for the successful proposal! You know, watching so many TVB dramas, Movies and etc, I found this proposal to be very realistic, easy going and sweet.

Now, with Jo and Bern done, I wonder who's next! Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Another year is about to begin.

I think of it as another stack of white piece of papers. It's gonna be up to us to paint it, write it, scribble it, throw it, mash it, whatever. Interesting isn't it?

Colour pencils and crayons,white sheets and papers. They paint them with passion, anger, sadness and joy. We've yet to see what He has painted for us. After each year, I sit down and ponder, that despite the many heartbreaks, I am grateful that I am still sitting here. But have I found true happiness?

Some have found theirs. In fact, those few seconds felt like their entire lives were hanging on a thin line...but when it was all said and done, the warm embrace of their love was enough a reward that would last them a life time. Congratulations to my dear brother:

A full post about this later....

Proposed 01/01/11

I've lost friends, I've gained a few. I miss the ones I lost, the ones I fail to save. I've failed goals, I've achieved some. It still breaks me to know that I failed what I failed. Do new year resolutions motivate us or push us too hard sometimes?

We busy ourselves just to stop thinking. We busy ourselves to stop hurting. We get replacements of everything and everyone. We just wouldn't stop. We don't know how to. We are afraid to. We are numb.

I'll be turning 21 this year. Another year has passed me by, and I'm starting to feel that life is short, and there's just so much I've yet to accomplish, but I don't know if I have the strength. Reading my poem for Jan 1, 2010, I had so much fire in me. Somehow, the flame's just a 'lil smaller now...

I look at myself, and the things I have, the things I own, the things I achieved, am I happy?

Lord, teach me to love myself and others.
Lord, tell me what do YOU want me to do for this new year.

Found a new interest in photography lately. Well, I've always loved photography, I just never took it seriously. Digital SLRs cost me a bomb, and I have no idea how far this will take me. Some close friends question, what about my passion in music? Well, it still is in me, but I guess I'm just trying to even it out a little and try to see what the other side of the world looks like and not just be a die hard singer who knows how to do nothing but only sing. After watching GLEE and somewhat, I just start to doubt myself that I don't see myself ever becoming a singer anything like that level...

Studying Mass Communication requires us to take up the Photo Communication class. I'm all excited about it. Speaking of which, studying Mass Comm is something so much more enjoyable than whatever I've tried to do before. But hey, let's get real. I am not the Mass Comm industry type. Will this course change me? I don't know, I'm taking baby steps to see what He provides for me in the near future.

So yep, I'm looking forward to taking more artistic photos and not be a phoDOH as described on LAMEBOOK. Haha!

Ever since we got together, money had always been a factor for the both of us. We never really questioned each others expenses. Somehow we just worked hard and got whatever we both wanted. This year, I pretty much achieved everything that I wanted. But what that really made my day were these Converse.

My sturdy PUMA finally gave its way in the middle of Christmas shopping this year. A gift from mom and brother two years back. My one and only sport shoes that has served me well throughout the earlier chapters of my college days.This year, mom and my sister and brother in law, Josephine and Winston Tan contributed to my new sport shoes, this time HP. Hushiee Puppies baby! :D

I had always hated Converse. I never liked the idea of the plastic looking front. I find the style very stupid. However, ever since I met Z, he loves Converse so much that he'd still wear his old OVER worn out pair until today. I've decided to give Converse a shot, and of course, I rewarded him with a brand new pair for Christmas for being such a wonderful boyfriend in the past one year.

When I snapped a picture of them shoes, I laughed. People come up with couple tees, couple mobile phone accessories, couple pendants, couple cups, couple purses and wallets but couple shoes? Hahahaha, this is seriously something new to me.

May this gift be a kick-start to our 2nd year relationship in 2011 :)

I had a conversation with a friend the other night, just before Christmas. I'm so very happy to see her enjoy her freedom now in the US. I was telling her about the presents I'm contemplating to buy or bought for my family members and she suddenly exclaimed, "I hate Christmas!" I was startled at first, but I soon began to understand why...

"...because everyone focuses on the presents and not the real meaning", she said. I explained that Christmas is all about loving and we express our love and care through gifts just like how the wisemen did on Christmas day when baby Jesus was born.

However, on Christmas day when I received a text message that my brother did not manage to get me a gift. I sulked all day and whined about it. Today it hit me, do gifts really matter? Looking back, it doesn't really matter, because the smile and the laughter and the joy we shared on that night, that very day, looking at them thanking God because you've bought them just the right gift because they couldn't afford it or never dreamed of having, just wipes away all those selfish thoughts.

I suppose that is how Jesus wants us to remember Christmas? He came to this world to give us a gift, and this gift was His life... as for us who are now still living on Earth, I suppose loving each other and sharing the Gospel is what should be our priority.

Merry Christmas Karen, you've opened my eyes to yet another perspective in life. Happy Holidays!

I was very down, knowing there are so many issues yet to be resolved in the worship team in my church. It just hurts me to see the what was once whole, now being tested, and one by one, soldiers of God slowly yet painfully defeated by the Evil one.

I was struggling a lot, asking God what could I do to help the situation? What else can I do? I'm only a woman, a very normal person, who has limited capabilities in this ministry. Spoke to Pastor and he said, "when you've done your best, there's really nothing you can do but to just wait for God to do the rest but we don't ever stop loving them" And then it struck me, maybe God is doing something, perhaps in a different perspective that we may or may not agree with but, I believe everything happened for a reason.

We were just singing Chris Tomlin's Unfailing Love that somehow touched me this morning. That no matter how we try to change according to the situations or chapters in life that we go through, God never changes. So why should we change away from Him, and not continue with what we are doing to serve Him and know that no matter what all our friends do to us, no matter who left us, no matter what happens, He never changes. He is our unfailing love when all love fails. He is the Alpha and Omega the comforter, the one you run to at the end of the day.

Dear readers, (if I have any, despite my long MIA from blogging) if you are facing so many disappointing chapters in life, and you are just so tired of TRYING to take control of things, remember, that God never changes, call upon Him and embrace His warmth. No matter how difficult the journey may be, do not stop loving, do not stop hoping, but have faith in the Almighty.