I have always been a thinker. I always am a fighter. I always needed my plans to be as bulletproof as possible, and often re-plan just so I won't miss out any unexpected changes that may take place.

When I met you, I lost myself in you, you gave me the joy I always hoped to have again. A hand to hold throughout the sunset and a listening ear to all my joys and pains. The moment chemistry sparked, I told myself I 'm not going to let this- us go. Thus, we clicked.

The stubborn me, needing to know if this relationship is bulletproof. I tested us in any bitchy way I can be. I needed to know if you'd still stand by me. You did. You made me see a different side of love, that this may just be different, that this may just be it.

Over the times, I've done my mistakes and I apologize. But looking at us in a third party's point of view, I'm nowhere fitted in your likes and dislikes. Staring at you, smiling with such joy with another, doesn't make me feel jealous. Just made me realize even more that I am not capable of it.

I don't want to continue in this illusion that we may work, we could work, we'll probably work. I don't want to be the one in a bucket of tears when it's all been said and done. I gathered my wits to put a checkmate to this, but I often chickened out and emotionally let the thoughts of not having you in my arms again slap me out of such courage.

It hurts me that you'd refuse to listen to my heart cries and claim to not have anything to do with it. It hurts me to see that you'd voluntarily listen and help others who need such company. I miss the times when we'd talk all night long on the phone and on the web. Does this mean we're only meant to be best of friends? Does this mean you're meant to be so near yet so far? What can I do to have your heart?

I long to be safe in your arms and secured with your love.
I looked upon heaven and pray that Father would show me which path to take and how to go through each and every day with such pain and yet at the same time such love from you.













Or maybe I'm just a loser in relationships.

As I make those long drives, I often doubt my destiny, the truth to the talent I was given as a child. If given a situation to start it all over, would I choose to own this talent or let it go to avoid any controversy? Life is an irony. We live our days trying to be a better person than yesterday and the day before yesterday and so forth. The irony here, is that despite a white piece of paper with a black dot somewhere on it, the art of a human being is that we would tend to seek the black dot instead of accepting the fact that the paper is actually- WHITE.

We harp on the past of what people once did to us and not how that person is at the present time whenever it doesn't please us. We run a race in our life, we decide our dreams and which we have decided to go forward with. One thing we did not realize is that this race involves other people's races as well. Sometimes no matter how much we want to play by our rules, other people's rules get involved in our race. It is time to realize that the world isn't as pretty as how we crayoned it on a piece of paper when we were 5.

Referring back to my current state of mind tonight, a talent is a gift, not a curse. However the world made it into a competition, the battle of the best to dominate others with what you have, and make this talent that we each individual have to be a reason to battle. We have meetings, feedback sessions hoping for progress in understanding each other as a team, but is this really the remedy of the situation? Is this what is meant by thinking out of the box?

Tonight I realized, that life isn't always how you want it to be no matter how big a dream you may have because there are other souls in it that will interfere with your dreams just so they get theirs. I realized that a talent may turn into a burden if we don't handle it well. I realize as I grow up now, that getting up every morning is a decision to make if we can face the episodes we have to face everyday. I now understand why some people won't mind not waking up the very next day, because not waking up might just be the next paradise for mankind.

How is it to put up a mask to look like I'm okay, when I know it is only fair if my lover do not take sides, but as a lover's lover, it is only natural for my lover to stand up for me in situations like this?

I apologize for such a merry-go-round post, but this is exactly how my mind works right now at this point of time. Things happen despite whether you want it to be. Everything is like clockwork...

My boyfriend introduced me this version of Fireflies by Owl City a cover done by David Choi

CHECK IT OUT! =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mm1920zk
wOA

So it was CNY! Though I know its quite long after CNY, but I think my grandma deserved the limelight up here. ^_^

My grandma's a gambling addict, yes, I have proof

Shot taken after grandma smacks her hand on the table saying, "ARGHHHHHH no blackjack!"

She eagerly flicks open other people's cards...

Which I won :D

S

She attempts another card hoping to change her luck

ROFL! Look how happy she is, and the amount of money! >_<

Well, more solid proof, I have a video of my grandma....

Okay, I'm waiting for my eggs to boil. (that sounded weird) I decided to give my readers an insight on what I eat in Petaling Jaya. Most people think living in PJ is like another world for me, but hey, I don't have ATM machine parents okay!

College cafeteria dish : Grilled chicken chop.
Comments : The chicken's good so are the potatoes, but the coleslaw sucks.

 My own cooking! Pasta bolognaise!!!!! Only one thing for sure, minced meat in every bite compared to stingy restaurants!!! LOL

This is a really HUGE banana. It costs RM 1 at 7-eleven, delivered to their outlets daily. It's filling enough for lunch. Just make sure your workplace/college has clean and comfortable loos for you to ahem after so much fibre.

 

My range of VONO MUSHROOM SOUP SATCHETS! What to do lar, no momma's loving soup anymore *sobs*

Okay, too bad I don't have a camera, but if you get to see this dish upclose, it looks like moulded swiss roll. It's called something Bomb! hahahahahaaha It's stuffed ice cream into a slice of swiss roll, topped with whipped cream. It's actually pretty nice. The KDU Hospitality students made it. But for such small slice, it does cost a bomb for RM 4 >_<

This cendol stall makes me happy on hot days after class. However, it makes me really really mad when I don't have a parking because this dude takes up one parking space. LOL
Anyways, it's Penang Cendol and Pasembur at the Choy Kee Restaurant parking spaces.

Last but not least! Spaghetti bolognaise from college cafeteria. Not so nice, but edible. I bought it cost the chef's cute. HAHAHAHA

Lord You are good and your mercy endures forever,
You gave me a talent and mom polished it for me,
Regardless my length in service,
I just want You to know,
That I'd give my all for You and at Your service,
May You grant me sweet melodies as I lay my fingers,
A talent which I have denied for years,
Talent which I envied in others throughout my time,
Pray that You'd be next to me,
And form melodies in my heart and the hearts of Your people,
I will follow You,
Jesus, lead me on,
As I walk my step of faith,
Showing You my passion,
And offer You my service,
As little as it may be,
It is from my heart's desire.

Valentine's and it wasn't like the usuals where couples go out and have candle light dinner. At least not for any of the people I know this year cause Valentine's and CNY fall on the same day. After dinner and much gambling, I sat down and typed my boyfriend an e-mail for the occasion. After much thought and after sending the e-mail. I took a moment to ponder about us and our future.

I tried to see pass what's happened and hope to feel a little faith in me to believe that similar incidents would not happen as of Original Kayu mamak shop. It's not just about not entering that shop again, it's about how much your loved one would strive and fight for you when you deserve all the rights in the world at that point of time.

It's sad to say, that this is a hindrance for me right now. I dare not say temporary because the way he treats me all along can soon fade away this imprint in me, But I am just afraid, of how much our relationship is weighed in his point of view and where would I stand as more months add up to our relationship. Through hardships and joy we share, we enrich our relationship. But will I one day, look back and again have this doubt of whether I am stood up for haunt me again?

Love you I do, but every girl wants her knight and shinning armour to be just as how the fairy tale story tells us. I don't need a man to ride a fancy car (a  horse) and have wavy hair (good looks) or even be a Prince (rich)
but be like Peter Cetera's Glory of Love:

I am a man who would fight for your honour

I'll be the hero that you've been dreaming of

We'll live forever

Knowing together that we

Did it all for the glory of love

For now, give me time to let me heal...