Its tonight that I decided to blog again..too much confusion to pull through and too much to think. I've struggled through an entire semester of this business programme in KDU, and truth be told, I suck at it and I can't help hating it as the day goes by. I have great friends in class, Soony, Jeff and the gang... funky people not to mention helpful too..I won't forget the day I frantically parked my car at the college entrance just to rush in to pass up my assignment and Jeff rushing out just to repark it for me. LOL...

As the days go by, I dreaded to go to class, I became more depressed, and soon I hated to go out of my room, all I wanted was to sleep and gloom in depressing songs on my playlist. I needed a change, I never knew I needed one till I was down with high fever and was suspected for dengue last 2 weeks, when my sister Jo was with me, so much for having fun with me in PJ, she ended up nursing me all night for a week. It was one of those evenings that she told me, "Maine, stop lying to yourself, this is not your kinda thing and you know it, look at you, juggling business and music, not sleeping, not resting and not even living a human being's life.......when will you acting that you are okay?"

I'm not. But what choice do I have? All my life my priority is to provide for mom. I have always pushed everything and everyone I ever loved and adored aside for the family's sake. I thought that was my destiny. Till then I realised, I really cannot cope with this course. I don't understand anything at all and constantly relied on Soony to help me with it....

I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I decided to go for Mass Comm... so I made a mistake in my choice the first time, why dad, why? Why do you always have to give me hell? I'm the only one who still loves you, the only one who never cast you out of my phonebook....the only one who still respects you....sigh

I drove home after my procedures at college, with all the financial aids I need to attempt in hope for some aid, I needed a break, I drove to a nearby mamak stall for roti pisang...of all days, they didn't have any today. I wondered on the streets for half an hour, and ended up buying 9 ice cream, went home shoved them in the freezer and took a nap. I got downstairs and realised the maid chose today to clear out the freezer and melted all my ice creams. That's it people, I don't have anyone to share my joy and pains with here in PJ, haven't you gotten enough of me?

Keith,Soony and Jeff tried to console me online and via cell..can't help it babe, you are such a nice friend, the only one who sticks with me in this course..or rather I stick with you..LOL...and Jeff, you're a funky man :P and I ain't gonna call you "kor kor" Baby...thanks for being there even though you are trying very hard to enjoy your hols and get out of this sickening depressed mode of mine LOL..

Karen...thanks for being there to the tip top max... you are always the one searching and researching to make my life easier and help me through storms...love you =)

I was just drifting into LA LA land while sitting in the dining area just now, I started sobbing, I told myself, I quote Kevin Quah, "I refuse to cry" but some things are easier said than done...

I drove up to PJ again last night feeling rather contented as I've gotten my laundry done from the laundromat's and of course, had some light tong sui before dropping off my boyfriend at NUC..

Went straight to bed after my arrival and the unloading took the last bit of my energy. Till I woke up this morning and was getting ready for class, my mom texted me by saying "Hey did you take your jeans with you, its not here." DING DING DING! I didn't bring a single pair of jeans or anything proper to wear with me to college. @_@

Make shift fashion is what I have to bear with for the rest of the week. Fondling about my Sunday wears and my casual Tees...trying to make something relevant to wear to college. Sigh!

Well, wish me luck that I'd fit into my brother's jeans tonight LOL!

I miss you,

I hate the fact that I have to count 6 days till I see you again,

I hate you,

You always seemed OKAY no matter how we are,

I adore you,

The passion you have for God and the things and people you cherish,

I need you,

Every second, everyday,

I breathe you,

Nobody I want but you to wake me in the morns and tuck me in the dark,

I rely on you,

No matter how tough life can be I just need to dial your number,

I tear for you,

Everyday whenever I stare at our picture in my purse,

I smell you,

Of Armani and Romance but most of all.. the aura of love you bring,

I cherish you,

For the joy you gave me and the path to God you encouraged me to come back,

I feel you,

Of every hug and every embrace,

Most of all,

I love you,

Every heartbeat and every rise and fall of my chest,

No matter how far we are, or how many quarrels we have,

I love you.

LOL, first of all I don't even know if there's such word? But what I've gotten to realize lately being in PJ is that, I'm no longer as hearty as I used to during my holidays. I remember the times when I used to be in college for Pre-U, it was hell trying to feed a spoonful of food down my throat. During my holidays, when I met Keith, through dates and outings I gained appetite, and with the outings with friends, I finally understood the joy of eating. It's not the food that mattered, it's not the taste, it's not the price, it's the people you eat with. Now that I'm alone again, I no longer eat as much as could have. The only times I eat well is when my brother and Amelia takes me out or with Kevin, Grace and the rest of the GFS gang... gee @_@

Stepping into this horrible looking building, I ask myself, what am I doing in a Business course? Then I looked beyond and tried figuring other paths that I might have taken if given a second chance. The answer was direct, I wouldn't have chosen another path either ways. The amount of uncertainties in every course brought me to the wisest thinking that is to choose on a course I believe I can survive with in this world...

Moving up to my rented room in PJ wasn't a very nice experience. To me, it was the start of parted commitments my boyfriend and I shared. It was the start of no matter how detailed you plan something, there will always be changes due to difference in geography. No matter how much you want to have your first times in things with your lover, it may not always come true. So yeah, I moved up with my brother, Amelia and Mom.

Packing and unpacking really drained my energy and did nothing to boost up my spirits for another start of 3 years in education...

Today I met a new friend. Through all the difficulties I went through trying to find where's my class? Who's my lecturer, where's the staff room, where's the freaking faculty?!!! I met Soon outside of Mr Lim, my head of programmer's office. In desperation I did not have a choice but to ask anyone out there at that time what's next. Having to travel up and down of Seremban, it sucks.

Amazingly, she was an easy person to tag along with. Friendly, and smart, now that I've gotten to know her, she loves Math and Economics. Well, Economics reminds me of Karen, and she's from North side too, Ipoh. Geez.... is this deja vu? KAREN!!! =P

But yeah, we made pretty good friends, and I think we're coming to a point where we might just be able to share anything and everything to each other xD

We laugh, we joke, we live life. This is yet another breaking point of mine. Sometimes I wonder when the ugly side of the world would end for me. Sometimes I choose to take it up and say it helps me be a better person. Choosing a degree of my second choice, not able to do something that I truly love, it's the same as my mom having to choose between having to continue having a husband and not. We make so many decisions in life, how many decisions out of the many are the ones we truly intended and dreamed for?

I've always wanted to be a musician as a profession. Yet the many obstacles in life make me do things that aren't the always what I wanted. Tears come and go, as I grow older, tears continue to come occasionally as such tonight, but when you dab a Kleenex on your cheek, you ask yourself, what good is there to cry? Then I ask myself, what is the point of blaming others for something I don't get to have rather why don't I choose to live life as it gives me and make the best out of it?

It is easier said than done. Trust me, I know it. What choice do I have? I sit down and ask myself, is Business degree what I want? No. But can I afford music degree? No. Which one gives you higher chances on putting food on the table for your mother? Which one gives higher opportunities to end your mother's misery as fast as you can? At the age of my final teen years, I have to make decisions as though I am already a family person. Life is just getting harder by the day, happiness is by me through and through but it is not the most of it, there are consequences to phase once one is done, all I care is to do what my mother dreams of me to be, and what I can do for her to enjoy a taste of luxury for a final years in life.

It is indeed very difficult for me to love someone, I have managed to do so for now, it has been very difficult for me to forgive someone, I have managed so, it has been very difficult for me to love a choice of career that is not my first love, I pray to God that You will show me how to love it and how to enjoy it for the rest of my life. My prayer remains the same every night, that may God grant my mother a life of enjoyment, and that He may give me the courage to continue the race for my mom till the end...

I am very scared to move to KL, I don't know anyone and so forth, I don't want to be apart from home, I don't know how long mom and grandma would live. I envy those who have both parents and those who can afford whatever they want. I have pulled through so many obstacles, I must say this is one big one that I am about to face.. and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough.