Sometimes we humans are just plain negligent and this is when ignorance is a bliss. I fear myself too if I were to be high and mighty some day would I forget who I was before I am who I am then? We all strive to make ourselves a better person regardless physically, emotionally or spiritually. We buy concealers, we lose weight, we buy lipsticks, we scale our teeth, we change our fashions and hairstyles... I find that as a need a mode of vanity to be more comfortable with ourselves in this community.

I find it rather upsetting whenever some other people comment or criticize the way we are or the way we are striving. But tonight at a party I realised on thing that I've failed to see for quite a long time. We are all ugly. I mean, let's face it, no matter what you do or say, there will be one part in yourself that you do not like or wish were different and there would be one part of other people that you would not agree with as well.

To me, I think we should respect those who strive to look pleasant. Not to say that we are going against God's creation, but we are merely trying to make the best out of our features as how I would put it. So I don't find it as something to laugh about. Nor something to comment negatively about but rather something to learn from, something to be respected, adored and practiced.

We are all ugly, thats what makes us beautiful. It only depends on how we look at things and how you understand the difficulties it takes to become who you are and when you are who you are that you want to be, will you remember your strive to this journey or would you forget all the effort and look down on others who's just begun the same journey that you have succeeded?

I dedicate this post to someone who mattered to me tonight, and also I dedicate this post to myself because I know the pain, I know the hassle, I know the difficulty. And if you've been there done that, then take a minute and try to understand a person in that similar situation.

Life has been really hard lately. Ever since the year started, ever since whatever I planned for this year begun, I feel that life has no meaning at all, its just plain rough work, work till you drop. I find it very difficult to control my emotions lately, and I snap rather easily too. I tried to joke it off, cool off the situation with my surrounding people, but its getting harder as the day goes by. It's as though, I'm running out of jokes. You know what I mean?

Whenever mom leaves, I turn into a beast, trying to run the household properly, getting everyone to do their part of their responsibility. Well, it doesn't work anymore, and I'm always left with the chores. I turn to the right, there's a pile of clothes unfolded, I turn to the left, I see ants marching up to a dirty plate, I look out the window, the curtains are dusty and worst off mom's beloved garden was dying. How much can I do in a day and not forgetting my own personal heavy workload to deal with?

Every morning I get up and told myself, be professional, be ethical, be realistic. Yeah, but who am I kidding? I doubt I can hold out any longer cos it's starting to destroy me. I sweat cold sweat every few minutes, I'm so anxious over everything, at home I practically walk about with a rag to wipe dust. What's wrong with me?

There are bills to pay, a house to clean, a mouth to feed and its not mine. Living on one meal a day or less I guess. I just can't seem to find the time to care for myself anymore. When will this end I really don't know, and sometimes I wonder am I driving myself to this near suicide?

Tonight, mom called from work. I could tell that she's tearing throughout the conversation. Trying so hard not to yell her feelings out. As for I, I'm tired of listening to all the complains. I feel her pain and the most pain was that I could do nothing to help. I can try to learn how to do the laundry, change the tires, cook good meals, make lame jokes... but there are still so many things I fail to do. I want to make everybody happy. I want to say yes to everybody's wishes... and no matter how hard I try, I just fail to be that person I wish I could be.

I'm a type of person who's versatile in the most awkward way. I can go out partying, I can go out doing everything I wanted. I go out showing skin of not worrying about anything. I really wish I am that person, with nothing to worry about, nothing to want, nothing to need. Just to care for others. So tell me, why when everyone else is happy and celebrating this new year tonight, and I'm sitting here wishing there'd be a phone call for me giving me comfort assuring me that even though it sounds impossible, everything's going to be alright?

Tell me, why am I at such state of emotion on this joyous night?

I quote a personal message from my friend; "for the night has been unkind...

Allow me to finish it on my own repetoire...

Doth for the night has been unkind,
Everything her little heart seeketh,
Perishes deep with drapes of darkness,
Reality stabs into her very soul,
Eagerly pushing her way beyond her limits,
Seeking her every ounce of energy and womanhood,
Secluding her pain when day strikes,
Inflicting a character she does not wish to play,
On a stage she never would step foot on regardless of the fame,
Never ending story as so it seems now, where is the end of all this pain?

Let me know if you noticed how I felt tonight...

Honestly, I'm pretty upset with J still. I remember a few days before school started for him, he told me he needed me on Fridays, to speak to him, to catch up with him and to continue advising him as in like a commitment. I had classes 2-4pm on Fridays... and yeah, I asked my lecturer if he could change it. Obviously he did change it for me. I somehow felt as though I owe it to my classmates and to my dear teacher who probably had to face certain amount of difficulty because he had to care for his old aged mom too.

One thing I don't understand about J is that, he can be so committed to whatever he likes, whenever he wants to. Like when he had a crush on P? He remembers literally everything and does everything he needs to to gain attention or whatsoever goal. I'm not comparing as a lover or an infatuation sorta thing but sometimes I wonder, how long does it take him to realise that he has caused me to put my life on hold just to think that he actually meant all those commitments he said?

I said yes thinking this is what I wouldn't mind doing serving God. But this is way too much, too many times, too many negativity, too many sacrifices, too many consequences that led to nothing but me being in despair. Everytime we do come across each other, it beats my heart to yell at him and tell him how much trouble he's caused. But what's the point? I agree with what Pastor P said,

One pm sharp and I'll be as limpy as a wilting flower,
One pm sharp I start to chill and feel the quiver of ice down my spine,
One pm sharp my body shatter into little pieces when my muscles fail to coordianate,
One pm sharp when I'll lay very still in bed,
The only thing I could do is to lay still,
Gritting my teeth,
And pray for the discomfort to go away,
When I am not anywhere near my bed,
That is when I suffer the most,
Kneeling at wherever shades most,
And sob my tremors to an end...

When will this end?
I hope its soon,
Moving a stickshift as though I'm moving a pillar of the Roman times,
I am awake,
But I look as though I'm drugged,
This is unfair,
Because my life cannot be on hold any longer,
I need to hurry and rush,
Before I'm left behind,
Dear tremor,
Please leave me alone?

Pretty annoyed these days, its been accumulating in me. Okay, I know he came by to help the choir because I asked him to. I really really appreciate that and along the way, we made pretty good friends. But time's running short for me, and knowing my results are like crap right now, the last thing I'd wanna do is to have this darn choir thing stuck in my head in square one undone. Choosing songs should be done so long ago and not now. The members are not doing anything, now he's not doing anything anymore, who's going to do it?

I know one thing very well though, I am not going to make such big sacrifices anymore like I once did for this other boy.

You guys want it, you go do it yourself, when school starts and nothing's up, that means astalavista baby.

I met you today, and it's just so unusual. Well of course, we can't be as how we used to anymore, but that was not what mattered, we felt so.... smooth.... as if we never once hated each other. But I know you kept it short. I understand. When you told me that latest event of yours, it tears my heart to know that you are at that..but I also know that if I were to show another inch of concern, you'd vanish from me in just a snap of a finger.

It was worth the shot meeting up today, two tall glasses, a corner table, talking about nothing but everything. I wish and I hope that you'd remain like this forever. Because its very comfortable talking like this. It gives me the peace, there's no more fighting, no more hating, no more revenge, that's what I pray for.

I tried to reach out, but you obviously fringed yourself. Will there be a second time? It is indeed a start of a new year, or would we both be walking out separate paths, pretending not to once know and died for each other? I'm so confused, all I know is I still care.

Lemon tea/ lime tea.... it doesn't matter. If you can still distinguish the taste of both, that's all that matters really.

Minutes pass in vain,
Taking its stroll of pain,
Length of this path burdens me,
Is this a curse
Or is it mere choice?

The voices demanding more of you,
Instructing for your attention,
You make a wrong turn and the voices will change,
A symphony of negativity and shame,
As you continue limping through with your head hung low

Beats are getting faster,
Like your heart beats against your chest,
Pounding on you from the east to west,
When will you complete the quest?
To that faint picture of your stable nest

The more they demand of you,
The more sacrifices you make,
These aren't the fear that you should fear,
But rather fear that these fears would stop,
For when they stop haunting you,
That is when you worth no price,
And your name pays no dignity

My exam results are coming out on Wednesday, whatever it may be, there's no one else to blame but myself. I am preparing for the worst. Knowing I no longer have those prayers that used to back me up when I was with them. I never knew that a prayer for another needed a price to pay. Now, they no longer do that for me. I am on my own though this results is an aftermath. Will I still find it worth it? I really don't know.

I'm crying,
Tears like rain,
Howling for all the pain,
I'm nobody in any unusual type of vain,
But I've just got too much on my plate,
Sadly, I don't have such an appetite,
And I don't know how to clean this plate.

Troubles keep dicing at me,
The days are getting more difficult,
I just want a listening ear to hear me out,
But I only watched till the candle.... grow dim..


I awake wishing for a better day,
But it's just a bad day for way too many days,
I've fallen ill,
Recovered,
And fallen again repeatedly,
This challenge that I plot for myself this year,
Had been a decision from the growing fire I did not realise,
Green eyes watching you,
Hurting you when you are least alert,
Smiles of joy fades away,
I see no silver lining in the sky...

I sweep the dead leaves on the ground,
I turned around and came back around,
I solved one,
There comes another,
My energy is wearing out,
And I don't have another.

This morning, I searched high and low for a shop that would fix my car. None was open, and none that was would do it for me.

I had vocal lesson and I totally forgotten about it.
It was a disaster that I chose to attend anyways. He lectured me about me not being focused enough and was rather upset towards my progress today. It hurt me because I couldn't tell him I had such a bad day this weekend... I opened my mouth to protest but I knew words wouldn't come and tears would instead. So I just took it all in and blamed my own stupidity.

I was sitting down just now playing the piano singing some praises. I sang "When the music fades"

It striked me that J actually called me last night while I was at Xy's place. He apologized for not catching up. Sadly, I am already broken, and his apology can be accepted but it would not make any difference anymore. Back a few months, he was all different, now, I don't even know him anymore. I don't intend to publish our episodes here but as I was telling E online the other night, that when my life is full of shit, there are only a handful of friends I could call.

As I continued singing, I cried so hard, I've never felt so stuck in my life. Sometimes, its just too little too late. I don't want to get too close and get myself hurt again. This person has made too many promises and fulfilled none. I hope someone would tell him that for me. I didn't talk to him much on the phone, cos it was too disappointing to. My life is going on even if he doesn't catch up. I don't need a fling caller. I don't need a fling companion who only talks about himself all the time. I may have a handful of friends whom I can rely on, I am lonely at nights, I am struggling, but that's the last thing I need on my list.

I never again want to be disappointed by this individual. It's just too high a price to pay. And I'm still paying...

Today, I woke up hoping for a better day. I headed to Perodua to get a price quote for my damages. Uncle said last night that it would be around RM 250. But after Perodua checked, it was above RM 300. Shortly after that I had breakfast with Errol. I'm very sorry towards him because I could not give him my full attention despite his efforts to come and help me work plans out for the choir in school. My siblings called me curious about how I'm going to settle the problem. I got lectured and advised from a few people, in the end, as I was still on the phone, I just knelt down and cried. It hurt too much. I don't think anyone would know how it feels to be at a point where you just don't know what else to do anymore. And the world was blaming you for every mistake that should not have belonged to yours.

I worked on the choir plans with E a little more, constantly interrupted by more frustrating calls. I faced difficulty with the careless driver. He dared me to make a report. I was afraid, not to the police, but being alone there at the station to defend myself. I put down the phone and my mind was trying to find a solution, but it was too exhausted to even remember why E was doing at my home. Yes, it was that bad a situation. I am only an 18+ year old girl. Messing with a young man is entirely out of the question. My brother's friend A was supposed to sleep over after attending a wedding tonight. Thank God he was willing to come over, drove my car and took me to Nilai to settle the argument.

The boy gave in. I literally turned white since morning. By late evening, Mandy called and said she could give me a lift after I park my mom's car at my sister's home porch. She waited for quite sometime outside as I couldn't find the key. Everything was so hectic. And at the same time E said he lost his way by taking the wrong exit from highway and was on his way to PD. I was responsible for that. I was responbile for everything. Mandy's time, E's safety...

I finally sat down again and went online, Xy was online too. I blurted my heartache to her and shockingly, she sprained her foot too. I didn't know what to do, but I knew enough was enough. I grabbed my keys and purchased a tub of ice-cream and headed to her home.

As I was on my way, I text her to ensure she was home. She was worried for me too and forbid me from visiting her and told me to stay put at home. But knowingly I wouldn't;

"Hey, you sure you okay"

Xy replies positively...

"Did I tell you I was santa girl when I was ten?"

She did not reply... but her dad accompliced with me as he was washing the car outside. Managed to sneak in... well, though she read the SMS much later, santa girl arrived first :P

Her dad was so nice and friendly, he even offered to polish my car. It was rather comforting. Someone who actually cared for my car too. Xy took me to dinner and shopped for Chocs as a gratitude to A who drove me up.

Mom left on Thursday night. I juggled my time on Friday. I was let off early by my lecturer at one pm. But since I promised J and A I'd send them home too, I waited for their class to finish at four. Finally, we could leave, as I exit the car park, a Vios knocked me from the back. And then I knew, that one portion of hell has just begun. When the car knocked me, honestly, I was panicky, but no one was there to help me. Yes, I was not driving alone in my car, but I was alone if you know what I mean. I got down, not daring to view my car damages, I walked over to the culprit's to inspect his and guess mine out from there. His was horrible. Front left light smashed, front left body crushed in like a carbonated drink can. What's left of mine?

I dared not even take a look. I questioned him his intentions of settlement. Yet he merely said "Its okay lah I'll settle my own one" I find these brats rather insufferable. "I don't care how you settle yours, I want to know how you're going to settle mine" Together we walked to my car and inspected my damages. By the grace of God it was not a very major issue but it was major in the fact that my car's only 5 months old or so. I looked up hoping someone would voice something and stand up for me as well. But no one was saying anything to defend me. I was left all alone to defend myself and my rights. By the time I got into my car, I was shaking, but no one would care. No one said any words of comfort to me....not until I met A at his hostel block, and he calmed down a litlte bit.

Sometime's life is just so funny. You think you know a person well but then you don't really know in the end. Not too many days ago, a lecturer from my college and her husband and son died from a car crash on the exact road I take to college every single day. How was I suppose to feel? I was mortified. My foot tapping the accelerator is like a life and death decision everytime now. The question is, who's going to be there for me even if I do die in a car crash?

I got home. I called an Uncle from church. He came just two minutes after I arrived home. Sometimes I feel that certain friends are more family to me. I was just hurting too much. I settled whatever I could and resided on my desk. I was online, and Mandy and Xinyi came by to pick me up for a trip to the night market nearby. Everything was calm and peaceful, I thought that by nightfall good will return to my life. What could we have expected when M lost her purse in the middle of the market? Frantic hit me like buzzed wires... we searched high and low rounds after rounds... my head was spinning whizzedly. Mandy gave up. I gave up. We all didn't know what to do.

But let this be a testimony from me and Xinyi. When we were both hunting our pathways for the purse, we said, "God, do something, this can't be a bad day for her too. It's just way too unfair." Seeing M in despair we were utmost concerned. M dropped X to my home and left to her solace. As I dashed out of home with my purse and drove X out of my garden, the only thing we could do was to think of buying M a new purse and try to retrieve whatever that can be replaced most easily first. However, along the way, M called and said a good samaritan delivererd her purse home to her.

Didn't I tell you that God answers prayers?

X and I were starving and we settled down at a Mamak stall Jieg took me last time. Then awhile, Pauline, Jared and the rest of the youths came along. No, Jieg wasn't there if D's wondering whether he was. X and I ate and chatted, then it was my turn on deja vu again. I left my purse at home after all. I was tired, after the scene today at college. I drove Xinyi home and couldn't risk driving back without a license knowing I might just be the next culprit and I wont have a license to show.

I am very grateful Xinyi despite her fatigue, drove me all the way back to my home and returned to hers. I ditched my car at her place for the night.

This night I couldn't sleep. But I was grateful nothing happened to X. It was some kind of a game of bad luck. That just kept bowing its arrows on us...

She leaves tonight. I am rather nervous and weak to know what responsibility that lies ahead. 24 hours a day will no longer be enough. Catching up on my own load of work yet cleaning after my own dear granny. I'm not here to complain, just a tad of worry seep through my breath... because I have been very exhausted for the past two weeks and I do not know why. Is this another episode of depression? If so, what is this about? I really do not know.

As I clear that monthly stack of bills, as I clear after the mess from her meals, as I finally sit down and savor a moment of peace, food will no longer be on my list. My bed is my home, my privacy is my joy. I satisfy everybody's needs and wants for this period of time again as how I did previously when she left, but I just don't know how much energy I can put in.

The floors are waiting to be mopped. The dishes to be done. The bread storage to be filled. The breadspread needed to buy for her daily consumption. Checking on her from time to time. Checking on the accounts and making sure all bills are paid. I recall the last time this happened, I really hadn't the time for a meal till the day my stomach groans in agony. I'm trying to cope, of course with a little more hope, but who's going to be there for me when I'm all exhausted and not able to complete the tasks here at home? Who's going to call home for me to check on granny?

Worry,worry,worry, it has just begun, and I'm already hoping for the end...

Man born out of dust and plain dirt,
But revolutionized to only plaster a smirk,
Leaving one another not love,
But disappointments that engrave,
Resulting streams of tears farther than railway tracks,
Because it costs the world to resume from a crack,
What more if lies within the soul?

Through many toils,
We are who we are,
Yet you chose to be the one to injure,
Little gifts of detriment,
You crushed my hope that you would see,
Maybe at least care for the pain.

Each breath sucked in with broken promises,
Illness caught up within my pore,
Sending me shrills of heat and ice,
Taking in all of me like lice,
Tell me when will you notice,
Not even till the day I cure.

Warning bells ring,
You beg me to sing,
Though romance is not what is discussed,
To you I am just a fling,
That you know I would allow you to cling.

A stranger knows me better within days,
I have been with you beyond grays,
Yet, you see me as though I am a stray,
The insensitivity and blissful aura you play
Leaving me omitted from where your heart and mind lay.

Fatigue overwhelmed me as I worked around the clock,
Sometimes I wonder why I suffer,
Relations asked me why I bothered,
Simply I only said,
It is a bill I have yet to pay,
The obstacle or the fee for me to cross over,
Because I am finally sober.

They aren't just mere recognitions,
The price I pay for all the challenges,
Comes with a mighty amount of pain,
But the sweet surrender are those diplomas,
Carrying them home to bring a smile on her face.

I detest everything she wished for,
But the years in my life taught me otherwise,
A duty of care I owed my mother's love,
I want ot make her feel worth it,
With the mound of my success in stored,
Though I may tire for the rest of my days,
If giving up comfort and rest is all it takes,
I do it for her,
In hope that she knows my intentions.

Sand flowing through the funnel,
As I strive along the tunnel,
I recall faint memories of being here once,
Only this time it was no longer for solace,
But mere chance of victory,
To grant me the joy that I deserved.

Many doubts and fears I carry with me,
It is the only path to lead me home,
You have taken everything I ever wanted,
Though I pleaded for mery you never granted,
You made my heart sore,
Now this is the remedy for the core.

Love me not and you shall never,
For I was the fool and you were the clever,
I am grateful for the presence of others,
They warmed me up when you snatched my covers,
I shall be the sculptor of my life,
For I am no longer your wife.

I am ready now,
To allow this bitterness to depart from my soul,
Because the stench is getting rather foul,
I want my life back,
May you bless me back on track.

Today, D told me that they are planning to have the camp as a tradition from now on. I'm really touched. Never will I forget the reasons for returning, for going through that hassle. There were so man reasons to begin with. I recovered from my misery because of the help of those few who were in the committee, and it was something I could do in return. Secondly, I abused my powers when I was the president, it was time to fix it. As for J, I left him hanging for 8 months and I was responsible for that.

When I heard news G left them. When I tried to get out of the pain from G, I chose to haunt him. Haunt him till I'm over myself for him. I chose to serve God and pray for him despite how much I was hurt. Look at me now, I am truly happy. He, he's just another chapter that I'm done with. And its a moment where I knew that my friends and family would stick up for me.

They wanna make it a tradition, my prayers would be with them. Now, I live a life knowing how it hurt to be disappointed and abused by someone whom was once yours, instead of allowing it to pull me down, I want to make use of this experience and care for those who needed to be cared for. Why? Because you guys were there for me too.

I love all of you

Let this be a tradition for all of us, spread the love, spread the care, spread the comfort, cos you can help avoid spilling blood. I've been there, I know.

Muacks!

It was the Kidz Explosion, a Christmas programme held by Jonathan's church on the 23rd of December in which I signed up to help like two months before..hehehehe

Cute right? Like sesame street... by the way, the one at the most bottom ain't a puppet, just so you know. Hahaa

See? Kids!!

Kids again!! They even took over worship!

This cute little handsome drummer... eee he makes my heart beat in rhythm *winks*

(I know, I always say I hate kids, but aren't they adorable?)

But wait......those are just the nice pics..........

Two situations here. One big kid who wants to big a kid still ( the kneeling down one) hehe
The big guy back there being bullied by the younger one...kids nowadays.. mengganas

Cowboy carol for christmas? Yeeeeeehaaa!!! lol

Ah, our handsome prince, the MC of the day!! pfffttt!!(must give him credit lah rite? he's got higher chances of reading my blog)

See these two mascots? Jonathan nearly tricked me into being the female one. You bad bad boy!

But they are so cuteeeeeeeeeee..... they let out alot of air during the party...if you know what I mean. hahaha

Check out the pastor groovin babeh!

Oh no! The youths are taking over...they can't take it knowing their old anymore!

Woah........I thought Jon wouldn't wanna groove. woohoo... check them all out wriggling eh? =.=

Pastor decided to get off his chair and join in too...too bad I had to snap this pics..else I'd be one of those "pairs" out there XD

The big kid --- Rodger..

Wanna quote me pulak.. instead of saying "say wha" he said......


"Talk to hand lady!"

Foine!!

Of course food was one of the agenda in which J came in time rather conveniently after his youth service in TOW...and enjoyed the meal while I rested to recharge my batteries...as in 'my' batteries?

The stars!!!

The gang!! My picture with them is in Uncle P's camera lah...sigh!